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- Edition #1: The Journey Begins
Edition #1: The Journey Begins
The Rides of March
Daniel Alexander
March 01, 2024 • Estimated Reading Time: 14 minutes
Table of Contents
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The Rides of March
Hello Valthakai, Crone-worshippers, tax evaders, and birth control takers…
Welcome to The Valthakan Times newsletter, dedicated to bringing you the latest on all things fantasy, the Crone, and more.
We have gone through some exceptional updates together, not the least of which has been establishing the Crone Literary Universe Patreon, hitting 300,000 followers on TikTok, 160,000 followers on Instagram, paneling at Dragonsteel Convention, and making so many new friends along the way!
Naturally, the only response is MORE as the Crone seeks to establish a media empire that can help with her money laundering schemes.
To give you a sense of what we will be doing here, The Valthakan Times is dedicated to providing you with book recommendations, discussions, and of course deliverables from the Crone herself.
So whether you are enjoying this on your lunchbreak or skim this at a stop light, we are glad to have you here.
With the IRS breathing down our necks,
The Crone and Daniel
See I’m worried because you’re hearing ‘book recommendation’ and I’m meaning ‘book threat’
Daniel’s Books of the Month
 Title: The Dollmakers Author: Lynn Buchanan Genres: High Fantasy, Somebody Hug This Person, Yes I Absolutely Will Pack Bond With This | I am so excited to share this novel with you, as I was lucky enough to get an ARC for it, and even the pre-final edits blew me away! Enter the continent called One, a place unique in its world for the unity it experiences across its varied countries. It’s probably something to do with the Shod, horrific monsters that like to disassemble man and man-made things to add to their lurching forms. Luckily, humanity has discovered their greatest weapon against such creatures: Dolls. Journey alongside Shean, apprentice dollmaker and survivor of the Red Tide, as she seeks to prove she and her creations are capable, and willing, to defend humanity. The Dollmakers comes out August 13th, 2024 |
 Title: Empire of the Vampire Author: Jay Kristoff Genres: Dark Fantasy, Nobody is Having a Good Time, Please for the love of God Give this Man a Break, French | If you’re looking for a novel with a happy ending and everyone having a good time… maybe skip Empire of the Vampire. But if you want to hear the last words of Gabriel dé Leon, silversaint and vampire hunter, as he recounts his battles against the Dead, this will be the book for you. Sunlight is no longer deadly to the creatures that stalk the night, their empire has expanded across the world, and the Empress of Men and Wolves wishes to add Gabriel to her historical archives before he is killed. Humanity has lost and its defenders are gone. The sequel, Empire of the Damned comes out March 12th, 2024 |
 Title: Unsouled Author: Will Wight Genres: Progression Fantasy, Wow Your Family Kind of Sucked, Stop Being This Polite, Ooh Yeah Punch Him FINALLY, Found Family | Copper to Iron to Jade. The growth of your mind, body, and soul, as you follow your Path and achieve power, social status, and respect. Unfortunately, Lindon is Unsouled, unworthy of a Path within his culture of Sacred Valley. Luckily, they’re full of shit! This is genuinely one of my favorite series. Join Lindon as he receives the one thing he always wanted: a chance to prove himself. His own Fate is entwined with that of the world of Cradle and beyond. Unsouled is the first of 12 novels in the Cradle series. |
Empire of the Vampire is just a bunch of fucking horny Christians
Dear Crone
An advice column
Dear Crone, Was it wrong to tell this creepy guy that was hitting on me that I had a girlfriend when I didn't? I'm female and bi Love, Luz | Dear Luz, I am sorry you had to deal with this. My only concern is that most often this WILL NOT be a deterrent to men such as this, and it may put you in danger if they are homophobic. Unfortunately, saying you have a boyfriend MIGHT help, but it would be better for you to inform the bartender/bouncer of the situation, as well as see if there are other women around who you can join, even briefly. Always remember dearie! Eyes, balls, or throat! Worst case scenario, jam something in them! Love, The Crone Dear Luz, Please be aware we are not legal counsel. Sincerely, Daniel |
Dear Crone Please help! I found myself stuck in a love triangle between a stunning blonde haired childhood friend and a mysteriously beautiful dark haired stranger. What do I do? Sincerely, Tropelle | Dear Tropelle, Fuck ‘em both Love, The Crone Dear Tropelle, Birth control first, Love, Daniel |
Dear Crone, One of my friends is absolutely whipped for a red flag, but it's been a year and he's still not moving on or seeing it. Can he be helped? Worriedly, Anonymous | Dear Anonymous, The answer is rather straightforward. You can't do shit. Unfortunately, until your friend recognizes the red flag, any attempt to get involved will just drive a rift between you and your friend. You may want to ask yourself if their partner truly has a red flag or if you just prefer your friend single. Either way, the best thing you can do is step back and let the situation take care of itself. Supportively, The Crone |
Dear Crone, How do I settle for someone boring and safe when all I want is someone exciting and wild? Questioningly, Medusa’s Love Child | Dear MLC, Truthfully, the answer is therapy. There is the expression “children raised in chaos become adults triggered by peace.” It's entirely possible that people that you've dated are boring. They lack passion, drive, or interest in things that are vital to who you are. But it's also possible that you've confused the heightened emotions of your past experiences with interest or connection, which is very easy to do. The truth is, safety does not equate to boredom, it equates to stability. And you can find stability in consistently exciting behavior, whether that's travel, date nights, laser tag, fucking in a park. Reducing things to labels as simple as exciting or boring won't really help you. But speaking to a professional is genuine advice as it will help you work through your association between excitability and instability. Suffering from the same thing, The Crone |
Dear Crone, How do I not hook up with a guy that I made out with just because he's the first person that's ever been interested in me, even though I'm not into him? Concerned, Extremely Naive Person | Dear ENP, At the risk of sounding like a Catholic priest, remove yourself from the temptation? Though it sounds like the temptation isn't there. If you're not into him, just don't hook up with him. If he expects anything, that's on him. You, you don't owe him shit. Operate on the assumption that more people will be interested in you because that's what will happen. This will not be a one time thing. And know that “no” is a complete sentence. Protectively, The Crone Dear ENP, Your body count doesn’t increase if you realize they’re ugly after! Unhelpfully, Daniel |
Dear Crone, What is the best way to evade paying taxes to Rhysand when he knows you specifically need to pay your taxes? Tea partily, @fearlessdreamer2007 | Dear @fearlessdreamer2007, If the books are anything to go by, get pregnant and he won’t tell you a thing. Still mad about it, The Crone |
Dear Crone, AITA for asking my boyfriend, (28M), to perform sex scenes from ACOTAR with me, (26F)? Concerned, Florence | Dear Florence, Fucking no, are you kidding? Men dream of receiving written instructions. They fucking beg for communication. Don't make him do anything he's uncomfortable with. Don't push. But I promise you, he'll be more than happy if you set the scene a little. Body paint, lingerie, lots of lube. Have fun, Florence. With my blessings, The Crone |
Need Advice?
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A book doesn’t need to be good to be entertaining but dammit if it isn’t a nice surprise
The Hard Covers
Reconciling Fantasy with Our Reality
Arbitrary Moral Standards for Fictional Characters
Hello and welcome to The Hard Covers, where each month we will be going over conversations that I think need to be discussed as we continue to enjoy fantasy literature.
For this edition, I wanted to focus on the moral standards applied to various fictional characters, and how they’re most often arbitrary when considering the fantasy setting!
Now as a warning, I will attempt to discuss the basis of these conversations in rather vague terms, as I don’t wish to spoil certain plot points for popular novels, but I’ll try to leave breadcrumbs so you know who I’m talking about.
The first, most shocking example I’ve seen has been an argument I witnessed that brought up the Geneva Conventions in a discussion about the Fae… Truthfully, I had to put my phone down, and it made me wonder what was the purpose of trying to enjoy fantasy if you’re going to apply the real world to your reading.
In this discussion, we had a character that was frankly… spiraling. Emotionally, mentally, and physically this woman was not doing well, and was pushing away the family and friends that were trying to help her.
Fortunately for this woman, these same friends and family were nobility of the country they lived in, and they decided to resort to tough love, placing her on a mountain estate that she could technically leave at any time, but she wasn’t physically strong enough because of what she was doing to her body.
Now to clarify, this estate was massive, with a fully staffed library, kitchen, dining area, pool, and several attractive men coming and going frequently.
So she was fully cared for, but technically trapped. And many, many people were very upset at such treatment.
It was… mind blowing to me that people couldn’t seem to fathom that a non-Earth culture doesn’t have earthly standards for rehab, therapy, and acceptable behavior.
So I’ll reiterate this point as clearly as I possibly can: if you’re the immortal lord and lady of a magical nation, you can tell your sister that she can’t spend your money and drink this much. Cope.
Moving on a bit I wanted to draw attention to another series that I read close to a decade ago. In this, we witness our main character (who is 17 at the time) have sex, and the OUTCRY this caused was astonishing.
Now, I can fully understand why some people may be offended by this, but the main character was part of a MURDER CHURCH.
For three books, we witness this girl assassinate HUNDREDS of people, and more than one reader drew the line at her having a consensual relationship with someone HER AGE.
It was such an arbitrary moral stance to take. Not the least of which is because people at that age engage in intercourse, but the sheer cognitive dissonance required to be okay with graphic violence but draw the line at sex in a fantasy setting.
Truthfully, I found it to be a welcome relief from the gratuitous violence against women that we often see in these fantasy settings (Game of Thrones I’m looking at you).
We got to watch several assholes get stabbed and she ended up in a sapphic relationship, win/win in my books.
In short, if you’re going to engage in fantasy literature, I do think you have a responsibility to suspend disbelief not just in the conceptual aspects of elemental manipulation, shapeshifting, or shadow-wielding, but also in the social norms that you come from.
The best parts of fantasy only come in fully submerging yourself in the world, and accepting— and appreciating— how different it is from your own.
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