Dear Crone,

My "friend" has an ex-boyfriend who she was in a toxic relationship with (it was mostly her fault), and he's been coming to me with a lot of his issues.

At certain points, it's gotten flirty.

I do genuinely care about him, but I'm not sure what to do here.

Plus, recently, he's been avoiding me.

What do I do with the mixed signals??

Sincerely,

Wretchedly Confused

Dear WC,

… you’re putting “friend” in quotes, which makes me think you’re not too worried about your dynamic with her, so that’s a start!

I’m sure you think your friend was the main reason the relationship was toxic!

That’s exactly what I would tell you if I was an ex talking to you as well.

Girl… you have dick-colored glasses on.

The fact that you’re struggling with mixed signals is already a sign that he’s also toxic, there’s no such thing as a one-sided issue in a relationship.

Do whatever you want, I’m sure he’d love to be pursued by you, but don’t be surprised when things aren’t as fantastic as you thought.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I'm reaching the (youthful?) age of 24 summers, but I've never fallen in love or even shared a kiss with anyone.

I put it down to a very sheltered childhood followed by a lack of risky (and fun) behaviour.

I'm worried that it's getting late and awkward for me to join the dating game.

Any advice on how to start?

Wistfully,

LonelyMaiden

Dear LonelyMaiden,

There is no such thing as a late start to the dating game.

People can drop in or out for any number of reasons, and when you first foray out, you don’t need to be blatantly obvious about your lack of experience.

What will make things easier is understanding what you are looking for. You have the advantage of being far more developed in knowing what you like and want in the long term.

In terms of how to start, the answer is “small.”

You do not need a massive high school whirlwind. You can go on one date and see if they make you laugh, make you feel good about yourself, are interesting to talk to, etc.

Don’t look for explosive, strong emotion, that’s typically a child’s perspective on love, and your experience will be something more organic, requiring work and growth.

If you’re asking more literally, friends of friends or hobby groups are a great way to meet people outside of dating apps.

Don’t use dating apps…

Though you are welcome to succumb eventually.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Hi! So I accidentally found my engagement ring in my partner's underwear drawer.

It's beautiful, and I’m soooo excited to say yes to her.

How should I act surprised?

Much love,

Lez in Love

Dear Lez,

Mazel tov in advance clearly!

I’m guessing you don’t know when, exactly, she’ll pop the question, so at the very least, you’ll end up being surprised to some degree.

You’ll need to do what you normally do when you get excited, whether that’s flapping your arms, swearing, or crying.

I promise it’ll end up being sincere regardless of what you do.

Send a photo of the rock when you get it!

Love,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

So I live abroad and recently one of my friends in the US was trying to set up a movie night where we call and both watch the same movie.

I accidentally double-booked myself and, unfortunately didn't give her much notice due to the time difference.

I apologized, took all the blame, and said that we'd reschedule, but she just flat-out refused, saying that she doesn't make plans for things that don't happen.

And now she hasn't contacted me in weeks.

Should I reach out?

Leave her be?

Guilty,

Space Cadet

Dear Space Cadet,

Clearly, you hurt your friend more than you intended to.

It’s possible this movie night meant a lot to her with you being so far away.

This does not mean you’re a monster, and there’s frankly nothing wrong with accidentally overbooking yourself, but in this instance, I do believe that reaching out is best.

If you’re sincerely committed to a make-up plan and want her in your life, absolutely follow up with her.

But understand she may not give you the time to potentially screw up a second time.

Be open, be understanding, and accept the outcome may not be what you desire.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’m in my first year of med school and being told to embrace failure.

That goes against decades of fear, stories that exalt perfection, and the real impact of future failure on patient’s lives.

How do you change your mental narrative and believe it?

Organically,

ThreeGoblinsInAWhiteCoat

Dear ThreeGoblins,

You don’t need to believe it yet, but you’re going to experience it regardless.

You’re going to make mistakes, and it’s better to make them now, during your studies, than during future operations on patients.

Repeating the above mantra is a start, but in the end, you’re welcome to let failures haunt you so long as you get up each time and try again anyway.

When it comes to processing failure, you don’t need to be unaffected or accepting of it.

You can let it boil your organs for all that matters.

As long as you keep trying.

And over time, the boil will get a little less severe as you realize you can handle your own failures, or prevent them in the first place.

Regardless, you won’t feel like you know what you’re doing until like… three years into residency.

Scalpel,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

The family has concerns my grandmother is possibly having sexual affairs with my 21-year-old cousin's husband/baby daddy.

They technically broke up a year ago but are still legally married.

Grandmother doesn't seem to care it's her granddaughter's husband.

What should we do?

Sweet Homily,

Bog Witch

Dear Bog Witch,

What the FUCK?

Granny is boning a 21-year-old?

He’s the granddaughter’s husband?

What the fuck can I do?

What the fuck can you do?

Has anyone told your cousin?

That’s kinda all you can do, but if they’re separated, why bother?

Granny’s nasty, but clearly, he’s into that.

Keep the baby away from his father and great-grandma.

I need a drink,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have narcissistic parents, one of which is diagnosed bipolar and depressed.

They are fighting again because mom is cheating, and my dad knows it but she’s denying it.

This is not the first time, but I think they're heading for divorce.

Idk what to do because he’s trying to turn me against my mom, and she’s getting mad at me when I try to talk to her.

Help,

My Parents are Killing Me

Dear My,

Your parents, unfortunately, are not going to reliably be adults during this process.

Whether or not they get divorced is not your fucking problem.

Obviously, it will affect you, and you can have your feelings about it, but you don’t need to participate in any conversation with one parent about the other.

Your father is behaving inappropriately in trying to turn you against your mother; don’t participate in those conversations.

If your mother is getting mad when you talk to her, don’t.  

It may be a good idea to look into support group resources or professional help that you can afford as that will be where you will find the assistance you need during this time, as they aren’t going to be coming from your parents.

Your focus and concern is on yourself, let your parents implode if they want.

Thinking of you,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My roommate has given birth recently.

Due to specific reasons it was a shock that both parents are still getting their heads around.

My roommate and the dad are together.

Somehow, I've been left doing a lot of the grunt work that parents should do.

I'm worried that this will continue, and I will end up a parent to a kid that isn't even mine.

Paternally,

Definitely Not the Father

Dear Definitely,

Stop doing the work.

No, you aren’t available to do X, Y, or Z.

Make it abundantly clear that you have zero interest in raising this child, which should be the case, seeing as it’s not yours.

I would recommend apartment hunting to get yourself out of there, quite frankly, because if they’re already relying on you to help, their situation is going to deteriorate long before it improves.

You can even suggest the dad takes over your lease, as I’m assuming they don’t live together.

It takes a village; you didn’t sign up to be part of one.

Bluntly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Are you a fan of the vampires in Vampire Diaries, Twilight, or in the Underworld series?

What is your opinion on what makes a vampire?

I need to know your thoughts on vampires.

From your fan,

jessatlgirl

Dear jessaltgirl,

This is a great question!

I’m actually quite a fan of vampirism in TVD, can’t stand the bullshit in Twilight, and am unfamiliar with the Underworld equivalents.

For the most part, my vampiric requirements are:

1. Hot

2. Undead

3. Enhanced strength, speed

4. Fangs

5. Feed on blood

6. Sunlight vulnerability¹

Bonus points for

1. Shapeshifting

2. Mental powers

3. Magical affinities unique to each vampire/clan

My favorite version of vampires are actually the Higher Vampires in The Witcher series!

Without going too into detail, they’re a humanoid species far removed from their bat-like lesser kin.

Each Higher Vampire has an ability unique to their identity, but most interestingly, a Higher Vampire can only be killed by another of its kind.

Meaning you’re immortal, eternal, and damn near all-powerful unless your neighbor hates you.

Like me!

Fang-tastically,

The Crone

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