Dear Crone,

A guy who knows my brother DM'd me. Usually, I wouldn't text back, but I'm tryna to put myself out there.

From the get go I have to carry the convo cause he doesnt know how to flirt/talk to a girl eventually the convo dies.

The next day, he texts me again and again I carry the convo, just when I’m ready to let it die, my friend asks for a face pic, so I ask and he’s finally flirty, but then I ask what do I have to do to get a pic and he texts back 2 hours later and says just think of something.

Pls help,

Am I The Problem?

Dear Am I,

There are two major possibilities here:

1. He’s not that into you

2. He’s a horrible texter

We don’t need to expound on the first scenario just yet, but it is important to recognize that being able to connect meaningfully through written media is a skill.

And, many, many men are hopeless failures at it.

I’m not inherently saying that a dry texter will make you do the heavy lifting for the entirety of the relationship, but if you already feel like Sisyphus, why bother?

If you want to play some mind games, talk more about yourself, it’s not like it can make his response times any worse.

Let him know you’re going out, or having fun, or what your hobbies are.

If there’s a positive shift in his communication, that’s a sign of interest.

Otherwise, he may not particularly care.

Do yourself a favor, refuse to text first, and if he initiates, great; if he doesn’t, you’ve lost nothing.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I am breaking up with my longtime boyfriend soon, and it’s sad, but I’m devastated at the thought of never seeing his cat again.

We’ve been together his whole life, and it breaks my heart to think of leaving him.

I don’t know how to cope.

Please help,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

This has to be one of the funniest write-ins we’ve ever received.

Fuck that guy… but his cat.

There’s little I can offer for comfort, as cats have decent long-term memory for the humans they bond with.

All you can do is hope that your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend will spend the free time he’s about to have making sure his cat is well taken care of.

At least one pussy is going to be loved.

I’m not going to joke and suggest you steal him because if something like that happened to Daniel, both he and I would be in prison for murder.

Cautiously,

The Crone

Dear Anon,

Seriously, don’t take that man’s cat.

But maybe you can look into adopting your own!

Just make sure the agency is reputable, and don’t go with breeders!

Sincerely,

Daniel

Dear Crone (&Daniel, obvi),

I have spent the last 6 years coming to terms with the fact that I am bisexual.

Almost everyone important to me knows.

My super-religious family is the exception.

If I come out to them, I run the risk of losing them altogether.

How do I go about grieving this lost relationship?

Thanks in advance,

Bi-Secretly Bisexual

Dear BSB,

Given your wording, I’m assuming you are planning to come out to them anyway and then process the loss of your relationship.

I’m going to suggest you don’t do that just yet.

First, ensure that you are safe. This means you have control over your own housing, income, and transportation.

If that is already the case, then I would suggest meeting with a professional prior to any action.

This will hurt you, and the best thing you can do is make sure you have a safe place to process it.

I want you to make sure that you have a support group before any sort of discussion with your family.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have a friend of over 5 years now who has suddenly cut me out.

We were fine, but I had to cancel an errand run with her.

We are both busy, and I thought she would understand.

Since then, she doesn't reach out, and I am putting in all the effort.

She ignores me and has made me feel bad in front of our peers.

When I ask if I upset her, she simply says no.

I wish I knew what I did so I can fix it.

Should I have not canceled?

What do I do?

Confusedly,

Tummy Aches

Dear Tummy Aches,

You’re going to spend your life running into and engaging with adults who refuse to verbalize their issues.

And so the best thing you can do, is take them at their word.

She’s said nothing is wrong.

Mazel tov!

Nothing is wrong.

There’s nothing for you to fix.

You don’t need to keep putting in the effort if she isn’t reciprocating, even more so if she’s making you feel bad.

Ask yourself two questions:

1. Would she have cared if you were upset?

2. Do you want this to be the treatment you receive every time she gets mad?

I didn’t think so.

You move on. You find friends who are competent communicators.

And you let her wallow in her own issues she’s too immature to work on.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone (and Daniel),

I got my hair cut the other day and I think my hairstylist hates me because she gave me a bowl cut reminiscent of that little girl from Toy Story.

Do you have any tips on how to grow it back as fast as possible?

Hairlessly,

Baldheaded And Angry

Dear BAA,

Haircare falls squarely under Daniel’s demesne.

Over and out,

The Crone

Dear BAA,

I admit I had to google which girl you were talking about, so let me just say:

Rosemary oil mixed with jojoba or coconut oil and massaged into the scalp is a common method.

I’m also a massive fan of a flaxseed treatment. Simply boil the flaxseeds until the liquid gelatinizes, strain through a cheesecloth, and apply to your hair.

I normally leave it on for 10 - 15 minutes before rinsing it out (I have absolutely left it in for an hour before).

Vitamin E (present in the gel) is exceptionally beneficial for hair but it’s recommended to limit it to once a week or every two weeks.

Finally, biotin supplements are supposed to help with hair growth.

All of the haircare products I use are here!

Get growin!

Daniel

Dear Daniel and the Wisest Crone,

I have been cautiously attempting to move out of home, though I worry I won't be able to comfortably cohabit with housemates as a lifetime of siblings and parents has made me desperate for a whole space that is just mine, but I also know that's not necessarily economically feasible, plus I have a feeling I probably would get lonely.

Do you have any suggestions on how to move out?

Nestingly,

Biggest Baby Bird

Dear BBB,

This may be the time for baby steps.

It’s easy to get caught up in the ideal penthouse suite with a weekly cleaning service.

Unfortunately, reality costs money.

Depending on how many people were in your home, I would hunt for a living situation that is an improvement.

This means you would have your own space and fewer overall bodies in the house.

The first time you move out, I always recommend having housemates, as it teaches some vital skills and keeps you from being lonely.

Outline your finances first, and if you can afford your own place, that is quite impressive and not inherently a bad option. But I think you’ll enjoy the experience of living with people your age that you aren’t related to.

Know what it is you want in terms of space and location, and prepare to have sit-down discussions regarding chores and household responsibilities!

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone, I just moved in with my boyfriend (yay)!

I work a bit far from home, and after work, he and I go directly to training.

I am home only around 10pm everyday.

Weekends are usually competitions.

This means I am not able to cook, clean, or do anything in the house.

My boyfriend, who works remotely, does it all.

He says it doesn't bother him, but I feel I am not pulling my weight here.

Am I a bad gf?

Tiredly,

IsItfeminism

Dear IsItfeminism,

It looks like you have a partner that is quite competent at being an adult.

That is no small flex.

And I believe that you can take him at his word that it doesn’t bother him.

However, it may be beneficial for you to have a discussion to see where he feels like he needs help.

If you cannot cook an entire meal, perhaps you can meal prep breakfast or lunch for him for the morning or put the bins on the curb, or a dozen smaller things that are easy to handle later in the evening but can go a long way in giving him something less to worry about.

The main principle here is understanding where he feels he does need help.

If he can handle cooking and cleaning but can’t stand unpacking the dishwasher, that is where you step up.

I also want to stress the importance of gratitude. You don’t necessarily need to reciprocate by doing other chores, but if there are events he’d like to go to, or things he would enjoy having planned, or certain proclivities he’s interested in trying, maybe you can pull your weight there, so to speak.

Don’t take anything for granted, and be open to where you can assist him.

Gratefully,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

This is not really a question but more of a book theory.

I have noticed a trend in fantasy books where the funny, blonde side character almost always dies.

I have shared my theory with my book friends, but they don’t read enough to give a reliable opinion.

What are your thoughts on this theory?

Are funny blondes the “red shirts” of fantasy books?

Curiously,

Abby Michelle

Dear Abby Michelle,

I think you’re on the right track but you have the wrong characteristic.

If I can point you to the Maasverse as an example, it is not typically blondes that die, but rather, the first side character introduced.

Whether that is a love interest like Sam or a friend like Danika.

Typically, it is the first character we bond with besides our MC.

It’s a tactic to prove an author isn’t fucking around with their storyline. Allegedly anyway.

Typically, this character is some kind of mentor whose impact on the MC is strengthened by their absence.

It’s all fucking mind games with these people, and we keep enjoying it.

Laughingly,

The Crone

Dear Daniel/Crone,

I am not sure what advice I am seeking here, probably just a listening ear.

So here goes, I have a shitty self-esteem, and I was doing well.

Until the Ithaca Saga was released, specifically the final song.

It was then I realized I am not the person someone would wait/fight twenty years for.

Normally, this doesn't bother me, as I am not interested in romantic endeavors right now (nor have I experienced one before, maybe that's why), but I can't shake it off.

Help!

Formally stupid,

Dumbass Epiphanies

Dear Epiphanies,

Odysseus and Penelope are a part of the great myths lauded across millennia of culture.

Consequently, they’re a bit unique in their circumstances.

I will point out that they had a prior relationship, a time when they met, fell in love, got married, and had a child together, all before Odysseus left for war.

It was a few years, to be sure, but there was a lot of brickwork— or, in their marriage bed’s case, tree work— that went into their successful relationship.

Of course, that is little comfort. So what I will say is, if you think you are not the person someone would spend 20 years clawing to get back to, why don’t you be the person who would do the clawing?

That sort of dedication attracts, and you may eventually find someone who reciprocates it.

I’m also going to point out that ten years of war, loss, near-death experiences, more loss, goddesses hitting on you, gods getting in your way, more near-death experiences are going to harden the resolve of many an individual.

It’s as much circumstance as mettle.

Soothingly,

The Crone

Dearest Crone,

The last two years have been absolute hell for me.

So many things went wrong that I stopped being able to find anything worth living for, I'm pretty sure I survived solely due to the efforts of my cat and spite.

Now, I am trying to remind myself that there are, in fact, good things in the world and things worth living for.

So far, I've focused on finding one thing each day that makes me smile and taking a picture.

What else do you recommend to help me remember that I can be happy?

TiredofBeingSad

Dear TiredofBeingSad,

I absolutely love your dedication to yourself. It is so worthy of praise.

You’ve run into one of the most mature ideas you’ll ever have: the fact that happiness is a choice.

With that in, I hope you’ll appreciate the irony here when I tell you to avoid social media.

Or at least allow yourself time away from it.

It is echo chamber-y bullshit designed to snare your attention with the worst headlines possible and drag you away from the feeling of the wind on your face or the pleasure of a simple picnic with your friends.

I love that you are taking the steps to actively seek out happiness.

And I want you to know that Daniel and I are going to be doing it, too.

I’ve preached speaking to professionals so much I’m practically blue in the face.

But I am going to stress the importance of rituals.

Give yourself a set time each week to clean or bake, or give yourself a small, enjoyable task to accomplish so you can bask in your achievement.

Allow yourself to celebrate the little things because life is a celebration of little things.

And when the big things do happen, be sure to scream it from the rooftop.

I am also going to recommend that you simply do the thing.  

If you have been dying to wear an outfit, or try out a silversmithing class, or go to Build-a-Bear because it's been two decades, go if it will make you happy.

Sending so much love,

The Crone