Dear Crone,

How do I get over a girl who will never love me back? (I'm female and lesbian btw)

Longingly,

Bell

Dear Bell,

Unfortunately time (and wine) are the only things that heal the sting of rejection.

This isn’t the sort of thing where you force yourself to move on, but instead, as you continue to go about your day-to-day, you’ll find yourself thinking of her less and less, and it will be less painful as well.

Kindly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I broke up with my ex about six months ago, there was no fighting or anything, we just didn’t work well together.(which I know sounds like absolute bullshit)

BUT he got a new gf and I hate her. Should I move on or should I know throw a brick at her head?

Ragingly,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

It sounds like you’re still hanging out with your ex and his new gf, so all I’m going to ask is why?

If you wish to remain friends that is commendable but space would be ideal to allow you for time to mourn the relationship.

I wouldn’t shift the blame to his new girlfriend, as she is merely a scapegoat for your negative feelings.

It’s okay to not be immediately accepting of a new situation, but you must take the gradual steps to eventually be so.

Sincerely,

The Crone

Dear Anonymous,

Brick.

Love,

Daniel¹

Dear Crone,

So I've fallen for my manager.

I fell for his personality BEFORE I realized he actually was my manager truly.

But now that I know, I have to keep my crush secret.

But now I have to face him after having sex dreams about him every night. What do I do?

Splooshingly,

Thirsty Subordinate

Dear Thirsty Subordinate,

This is definitely a unique write-in as I find myself conflicted between my standard escapades and advice that will actually ensure you remain employed.

I could suggest you go the Grey’s Anatomy route and throw caution to the wind, so long as you avoid planes, earthquakes, floods, buses, schools, WWII reenactments, WWI reenactments, the theater, the theATRE, and your mom for the rest of your life.

But this isn’t the sort of issue that is harmless for yourself and those around you.

Right now doing nothing is an acceptable route, however it seems that there is a degree of separation between you two if you didn’t realize he was your manager?

It’s not an impossible scenario, merely an awkward one.

Casually look into the HR requirements for dating coworkers, or imagine him doing the Cupid Shuffle with a sweat stain down his back, either or.

Goadingly,

The Crone

Dear Thirsty Subordinate,

Hot.

Smuttily,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I have better s*x with my invisible husband and visible toys than I ever did with a man.

But religious guilt kills. What do I do?

Catholically,

Ellie

Dear Ellie,

The only way to work through guilt like this is to embrace it while you feel it and recognize that participating in a physical need is nothing to be ashamed of.

It is also possible that this guilt is affecting the way you communicate with your partners, and may be why you find physical intimacy with a man less satisfying.

Seeking out a proper professional to speak with is something I always recommend.

But if you need to hear it from me first, your body was built for that kind of pleasure, whether you believe in G-d or not, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Ellie,

Some of these things have settings so strong you can’t hear a jackhammer over the roar, much less the voice of Hashem.

Maybe that would help?

Oscillatingly,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I was suspended from my college for failure to perform academically.

Does this make me a failure? All my friends say no but I literally failed at school.

Thank you.

In the middle of an ongoing crisis,

Ace in the hole

Dear Ace in the hole,

The difference between failing at something and being a failure is whether you allow this moment to define yourself.

I cannot speak to your unique circumstances, but what I can suggest is that you assess where you wish to go next.

If college truly is something that you would want to try again, there are avenues that you could pursue for re-admittance.

Or it is possible that a different trade or profession would be a better fit for you.

Your job right now is to plan what happens next.

You aren’t a failure if you fail, only if you let that be where your journey ends.

Supportively,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How can I tell if my friends like me?

And if they don't how do I leave the group?

Anxiously,

Annabel

Dear Annabel,

This is one of those scenarios where you must look at their actions as opposed to their words.

Do they reach out, invite you to participate, and care how you are doing?

If the answer is yes, then yes they do.

Similarly, it is your responsibility to do the same, and if you have made yourself unavailable recently it is possible they are simply waiting for you to reciprocate.

If they don’t seem interested in being around you— based on the criteria above— then the good news is you can simply leave. They aren’t going to stop you.

But my first bit of advice when you feel like everyone hates you is to drink some water and have a nap.

Love,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How do most people react to you popping up in their universe?

Curiously,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

A range of anything from weeping awe to screaming fear.

Occasionally there is distaste, prophecy, orgasms, and warfare.

All the usual stuff.

Explanatorily,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have reader friends and I occasionally give them book recs but my problem is that they read slower than Feyre.

Should I stop giving them recs or just deal with it?

Impatiently,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Such is the age old bane of people like us: slow readers.

However the only thing you can do is encourage them.

Like any skill or muscle, it grows stronger with time.

Simply keep throwing books at their heads and have back ups to read when they’re too slow.

Literarily,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

What do I do if my man talks to his shadows more than me?

Communicatively,

Lady of the Shadow Daddy

Dear Lady of the Shadow Daddy,

If history is anything to go by, you can simply stand there for the next 400 years while he wonders why you’re so mysterious.

Move on, pining is for trees.

Sternly,

The Crone

Dear LSD,

You shouldn’t have to fight for his attention.

Either move on or learn light magic.

Photonically,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

This isn’t really advice per say but just wanted to give a shout out to the girl who said men found her intimidating in the last newsletter,

The right one will love it we fierce women are not made for everyone. My husband hopes it goes to our kids.

Emphatically,

HarpyHaze

Dear HarpyHaze,

Hells yeah.

Arsonally,

The Crone

My Dear Crone,

You are an inspiration to us all.

Please tell Daniel that while I would never date a content creator he is so beautiful that every time I see a video I reconsider that.

I am a great friend but terrible at dating, how do I fix that?

Sincerely,

A fellow large nosed, curly haired and emotionally unavailable nerd <3

Dear Fellow,

Do you understand the spellwork that goes into keeping this vessel’s ego in check?

Three potions, dancing naked in the moonlight, and three grimoires sealed in silver chains!

And that’s just to keep his Tiktok Id at bay.

In response to your question. You need to assess why you label yourself as terrible at dating.

Do you struggle with communication? Are you simply nervous on dates? Or are you uncomfortable being in social settings?

All of these have slightly different fixes, but the overall theme will be exposure. The only way to improve is to do it, and while that may be intimidating, your obligation isn’t to be an ideal partner or perfect match, but to simply enjoy your time with your date.

Romantically,

The Crone

Dear Fellow,

Thank you ❤️.

Love,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I am currently in quite the predicament.

I have too much to do and not enough time to do it.

I have my dance, singing and musical theatre classes, and then on top of that I’m balancing my hobbies (painting, reading, etc)

Crying, 

Sadlonelylesbian

Dear Sadlonelylesbian,

The question I have to ask you is: do you want to be doing all these things?

There is a fine line that crossing can turn your hobbies into a chore, and it is very easy to burn yourself out if you cannot handle it all.

It may help you to try to structure these obligations into a calendar, and see if you can group certain ones into a single day to leave more time elsewhere.

Remember hobbies and interests are only fun if you aren’t forcing yourself to do them.

It’s entirely acceptable to choose ones that you want to focus on now and hold off on the rest until your schedule opens up.

Calendarily,

The Crone