Dear Crone,

I think I have a crush on my best friend.

It's really hard to know, if he feels the same 'cause he's a really flirty person.

I don't wanna ruin our friendship but I also can't go on like this.

What do I do?

Desperately,

Sad Little Friend

Dear SLF,

This is the time to weigh the two possibilities before you.

What matters more? The chance of a romantic relationship, or the long term friendship?

This is not to say the two are mutually exclusive, but it is likely that being honest about your feelings could cause some temporary changes to the friendship.

You also need to ask yourself if rejection is something you can handle, or if it would become too painful to maintain the friendship should he not return your feelings.

What I will say is people are often less flirty than you think, it may be YOU seeing a specific side of him.

Best of luck!

Yentally,

The Crone

Dear Almighty Crone,

We’re nearing our 10th anniversary.

We’re impossibly in love. Here’s the kicker: we don’t live together.

Finances are not an issue.

How do I ask him for the next step?

Marriage, a house, whatever, I’m ready, he’s not.

Exhaustedly,

Hopelessly Devoted

Dear Hopelessly Devoted,

I am very happy for you to reach your ten year anniversary.

That’s a wonderful, highly impressive milestone!

Now threaten his life.

Sorry, Daniel occasionally jumps in before his turn.

But what I think we need to put delicately is that there’s no such thing as “not ready” after ten years.

It is completely normal for you to want a next step, and this necessitates a serious discussion about your plans for the future.

It is unhealthy, and unfair for you to wait around for him to be ready after all this time, and obviously there is serious history between you two, but that isn’t an excuse for him.

You were both there for 10 years, you’re ready, and you have a right to know why he’s not, and want something more.

I am not saying the answer is ending the relationship, but I do believe that is better than waiting even another 6 months.

You sit his ass down. You say what you want as clearly as possible, and you see his response.

If he wants you, he makes the next step.

If he asks for more time, waiting is up to you.

I certainly wouldn’t.

Supportively,

The Crone

Dear Hopelessly Devoted,

Please understand we want this to work out for you.

That being said, send him an invoice.

Dear lord.

Very much single,

Daniel

Hi beloved Crone to end all Crones,

How do you get over someone you’re still very close to?

My ex and I split up almost a year ago but we’re still best friends, yet I just… feel stuck?

While he’s moving on.

Thank you,

Fe

Dear Fe,

While it certainly is possible for exes to remain friends, that is often dependent on the ability for both parties to properly mourn the relationship.

If you’re still constantly together, that doesn’t really give you the space to process the end of the romantic aspect of your history.

Additionally, this doesn’t mean he is in the wrong for moving on, but it is likely he processed the break up differently, whereas you may need more time to emotionally untangle.

Personally, I would recommend some time actively apart. Not avoiding each other, but giving yourself the space to feel his absence and grow to accept it.

You’re only stuck if you’re repeating the same patterns, and if your ex is part of that cycle, removing him from it— impermanently— could help.

You’ll never guess what Daniel is about to suggest.

Cyclically,

The Crone

Dear Fe,

Attending a social setting without him will serve the dual purpose of giving you space as well as making friends that are separate from the ended relationship.

Try pole dancing!

Dizzily,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I stopped talking to a long time friend, for many reasons.

My sister says I should be nice and reach out, but I feel done with having to cater to her needs and be treated poorly.

Should I?

Also, when’s the appropriate time to unfollow her?

Platonically,

Juniper

Dear Juniper,

While reconciliation can be healing… if you feel like you’re better off without her, why bother?

Ask yourself the question:

“Do I want to see her anytime soon?”

If the answer is no, unfollow.

Burning bridges isn’t a good idea, but sometimes it’s nice to leave the rodeo.

Independently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My boyfriend’s ex wife (divorced for ~6mo) is 7mo pregnant and says it’s his.

I know I want to stay with him, but I don’t know if I should.

Calling for help,

EP

Dear EP,

To start, I certainly encourage your boyfriend to take a paternity test and confirm things.

But what is more relevant to you is are you ready to be a stepmom to a newborn with… two month’s notice?

If your boyfriend wants to be a father and stay in the child’s life, you won’t just be dating him. You’ll be dating his family, including his ex-wife.

Is that something you are capable and want to do?

If not, it is entirely understandable to end the relationship.

But it is important to realize that, however wonderful the relationship is going now, the dynamic is going to change drastically when the baby arrives.

Additionally, if the child is his, and he doesn’t want anything to do with the baby?

Run.

I’ll be honest, it isn’t something I would be willing to handle.

Nervously,

The Crone

Dearest Crone (and resident pole enthusiast),

I’ve just changed careers from barista of 3 years to my dream job: working from home in publishing.

I’m struggling with time management now that I make my own hours. Any sage wisdom?

Sincerely…

Tired, Wired, hoping not to get Fired

Dear TWF,

Trust me when I say time management is a muscle you have to exercise.

It helps me to start with large blocks of time. That is, multi-hour slots in my calendar where I get a specific type of work done, whether that is for The Valthakan Times, Tiktok/Instagram, or Patreon.

Once you get into the routine of specific work at specific time of day, you can train yourself to be more productive in tighter time frames.

It is also important to note that knowing when you’re most productive is also exceptionally helpful.

I am pretty much useless until 11am, so I wake up early and handle smaller items first— groceries, reading, scripting— and dedicate late afternoon to nighttime for the bigger projects.

Responsibly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How do you keep your curls looking so nice and uniform?

Hair Carily,

Margie

Dear Margie,

The basics of the routine are

Conditioner wash → scalp brush → apply curl cream → wet brush → apply mousse → scrunch

Shampoo 1-2 times a week depending on how much I am working out.

And use a clarifying shampoo once a week to prevent product buildup. You can find specific clarifiers but I use an olive oil soap bar!

Make sure everything is sulfate, silicon, and phthalate free!

Curlily,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How do you get a personal benefactor?

A sugar daddy also works.

Thanks!

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

If I knew, I probably wouldn’t need to travel so much.

If there’s one thing you won’t underestimate hopping between worlds, it’s the lengths the IRS is willing to go to nab your ass.

There are various sites for it but good luck keeping your faith in humanity.

Fiscally,

The Crone

Dearest Crone,

I’ve been dealing a lot with anxiety lately about my writing career, my relationship, and my overall self-esteem.

Aside from therapy (I’ve already booked an appointment), how do I best deal with these feelings in the moment?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

I commend you for starting your therapy journey.

What’s important to remember is that attempting to avoid to the anxiety will typically cause you to feel more of it as you start a negative feedback loop with your own emotions.

So you have to keep in mind that being anxious is not a failure in something within you, it is an emotional habit that may have served you previously but does not any longer.

The next time you are feeling anxious, acknowledge it verbally, and then ask yourself “why”?

What is the current cause of your anxiety, and when you identify it as your writing, your relationship, or your self-esteem, look deeper.

Is it about the quality of your writing or your deadlines?

Is it about your partner’s effort or your attraction to them?

Is it about how in shape you are or how your hair looks?

And repeat those questions further, the deeper you go, the more useful a discussion you will find in your therapy sessions.

Meditatively,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

When do you know when it's time to leave a toxic work environment, despite finding some parts enjoyable?

Grindingly,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

This requires some future perspective.

I’m glad you find some parts of your work enjoyable, but are they truly enough to outweigh the toxic aspects in the long term?

If they are, that’s wonderful, and you should consider what steps you could take to mitigate the negatives in your work environment.

But if it is more of a bandage on a bullet wound situation, I would suggest starting to look elsewhere.

It is also important to consider if you could find the positive aspects you enjoy at another place of employment, or if they are exclusive to your current job.

Being able to tolerate the bad is part of being able to enjoy the good, your limit lies in how long you consider the latter to outweigh the former.

Productively,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I think I’m addicted to spicy novels and dark romance, I worry they are rotting my brain but I love it

Literarily,

Stressed, Depressed, and Caffeinated

Dear SDC,

Dopamine hits are wonderful but perhaps try a palate cleanser?

Maybe the DSM5?

Psychologically,

The Crone

Hi Crone,

I'm turning 21 and having that average person's crisis that I haven't been kidnapped by a beautiful mythical man yet to their realm.

In general, no man even wants to take me to dinner.

Should I give up?

Romantically,

Too Old to Find My 1,000 Year Old Mate

Dear Too Old,

I need people to stop having life crises when they’re 3000+ years younger than me.

It makes me feel too old.

But no giving up is not the answer, you most likely need a change of environment, a new social setting, club, or hobby.

I will warn that the mindset of “no man even wants to take me to dinner” is something that will bleed into your unconscious actions, and will be noticeable to some degree to the people around you.

Reframe how you approach these interactions, you are not too old or lacking.

Besides Feyre was 21 in A Court of Frost and Starlight!

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How does one befriend the Suriel as you have done?

Inquisitively,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

The trick is to have a matching cloak and be a gossipy bitch.

There’s a club, it meets Tuesdays.

Sassily,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Thanks to you I am now on an obsessive spiral into Brandon Sanderson’s novels.

I’m going to use your guide and read them all!

So thank you I am no longer bored as hell :)

Cosmerely,

Aleah (aka bored as hell)

Dear Aleah,

Buckle up dearie you’re in for a wild ride.

For those curious check out Edition #2 for my full reading order.

This isn’t an offer it’s an order!

Threateningly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I hope to grow old gracefully, such as you have.

Would you advise accepting a deal from the fae king in exchange for the spun starlight of my dreams?

I don’t sleep that much anyway, so it sounds like a good deal?

Majestically,

Lady of the Fair Mist

Dear Lady,

Given your flair for the dramatic I would absolutely say go for it.

But if he seems withdrawn because he’s a hideous monster (read as: 6’6”, chiseled, and has fangs) then you must slowly allow him to work through his deep insecurities.

Take your birth control!

Antipregnacy tropily,

The Crone

Dear Daniel,

Where did you get that red top, the simmering one with the pussybow.

I need it.

Sincerely,

Lady in (hopefully) Red

Dear Lady,

You seem to be rather confused about the Crone part in Dear Crone but I will leave it to my vessel.

Sassily,

The Crone

Dear Lady,

Thrifted!

But it looks a lot like this thing!

Love,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I have just lost a beloved pet. I knew that time was a ruthless adjudicator but it is too soon.

Can you recommend something to get my mind off this?

Sincerely,

Makaria

Dear Makaria,

It is never easy losing a beloved pet, but the truth is this isn’t something that gets better by avoiding it.

You will simply have to continue your day-to-day, and when you feel the loss, allow your self a moment to embrace it.

It does get easier, even if the pain doesn’t fade quickly.

You can take comfort in knowing that your pet will be loved long past their time with you.

They were loved, they were happy, and they were safe. Take pride in that, just as much as you grieve their absence.

Comfortingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Can you please ask Daniel for suggestions on motivating yourself for pole conditioning?

I'm terrified of my studio's conditioning class (very self conscious about my weight) and I can't convince myself to do anything alone.

Exhaustedly,

Plus Sized Pole Fairy

Dear PSPF,

I will leave it to him.

You don’t get to see it but I’m actually doing a magical girl transformation to let Daniel take the reins.

Maaaaake up,

The Crone

Dear PSPF,

I completely understand the self-esteem issue at play here, and so might I suggest you look to classes that aren’t necessarily conditioning?

If your studio is anything like mine they will offer a host of other classes, just trying something outside your usual schedule is often the first step to growing more comfortable on the pole.

In my case, I was doing our standard curriculum before incorporating theater/choreography lessons, and I’m just now starting the floorwork series.

Being self-conscious is extremely understandable, so baby steps are in order.

You will hear it from me first that no one is watching you except to cheer you on. But you can take time finding that out. Pole isn’t a marathon, it’s for your own pace.

Seriously though I’ve almost concussed myself and someone clapped because they thought I did it on purpose.

In the name of the Moon,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

Update from the Greek god roomie situation.

This man has now also joined my sports team and I see him shirtless like every day.

Still personality of an empty tub of ice cream but I am being swayed towards my roommates side.

HELP!

Dewdrop

Dear Dewdrop,

I’m so glad you’re back!

Send a photo of him (consensually) at this point, it seems I need a visual assessment before I weigh in.

Perhaps personalities can be learned? If an AI can do it so too can you fill this empty ice cream tub with some Neapolitan.

Or at the very least vanilla.

Enablingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

What matters most?

Philosophically, 

Antoinettr

Dear Antoinettr,

At the risk of copyright infringement?

The Journey.

Our destination is the same, so all that matters are the steps that you take to meet it.

Radiantly,

The Crone