Dear Crone,

I have this old FWB that keeps popping into my life even though he is married and they have a kid.

We have the same friends so I don't want him to ruin my friendships over cutting him off.

Short of placing a bounty what should I do?

Sincerely,

Looking for Escape

Dear Looking,

If he’s looking for a side chick you have an obligation to inform his wife.

And I also expect you to respect yourself enough to not be one.

If he’s simply a member of your friend group, there’s nothing you really need TO do.

The surest way to keep boundaries is to only hang out with him in group settings, and if he tries to be with you alone that’s a red flag.

Don’t presume the worst of someone, but prepare for it.

Love,

The Crone

Hello dearest Crone,

I've been dating this wonderful man for 2ish months, and it has been great.

But I'm feeling self-conscious that nothing "relationship-y "(cuddling, kissing, etc.) has happened.

Is there a right time for these things to occur?

Respectfully,

Down Bad

Dear Down Bad,

Pace is exclusive to each relationship. If this hasn’t happened yet, and you would like it to, it is time to bring it up with your partner.

There is a strong likelihood that either they are replicating a previous behavior from a past relationship, or are waiting for you to make the first move OR say that you’re ready for it.

If they don’t pry, they may be trying to avoid pushing it.

Just talk.

Either way, nothing about it is wrong so long as both of you are on the same page and okay with the pace.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

The guy I have a crush on has read Fourth Wing and ACOTAR because I told him to.

Is this true love?

Should I ask him out?

Literarily,

ShouldIGetTheWingLeader

Dear ShouldIGetTheWingLeader,

True love is a feeling, true lust is a chemical reaction.

Try not to get confused between the two.

Either way, there’s no point in not asking him out if you like him.

I say go for it.

Matchmakingly,

The Crone

Dear ShouldI,

Just to play the devil’s advocate, many of the men who enjoy the series are… y’know… 💅 

Just be aware they may like Cassian as much as you do.

But yay reading buddies!

Give it a shot.

Hopefully wrong,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

Old high school crush in town asks me to dinner.

Just broke up w/ his girlfriend.

Should I pursue a relationship?

He drives a red Ford pick-up. Bench seat.

Questioningly,

Anon

Dear Anon,

If he’s not staying in town, I would say a relationship is a rather difficult pursuit.

But if it won’t cause drama there’s nothing wrong with fogging up the windows.

Picture to burnily,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I like this boy, he has treated me better than so many others.

He has 90% of what I seek in relationships.

The 10% is the initiative to take control of his own life.

I am afraid that his only plan after college is to follow me.

Plz help:)

Crying all the time :)

Dear Crying,

I want to caution and say that the ability to take initiative is far more than 10% of what you should want.

If you are okay with making the decisions for the rest of your life, then I would say pursue what you will with him.

But that lack is a severe deficiency in an adult.

A healthy partner is one that builds a life WITH you, not AROUND you.

Simultaneously, if he wants to follow you after college, and is making the necessary steps to find employment, rent or buy property with you, and seems serious about being a part of your life, that is a good sign of a strong commitment.

The difference is in how far he is able to plan ahead, if the answer isn’t past dinner that evening, I would say you may be missing more than 10%.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crying,

I think it is also good to point out that if this didn’t bother you, you probably wouldn’t have been seeking a second opinion.

It is absolutely understandable why that sort of behavior would raise concerns.

It’s up to you to decide how much that 10% is actually worth.

Encouragingly,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

My partner and I are moving in a few months.

He's never moved out of state before and is nervous for his family's reaction.

They're not very supportive and play the family card when it suits them, how would you suggest we tell them we're moving?

In-lawily,

Forest Fey in a Big City

Dear Forest Fey,

Congrats on the big move!

That’s very exciting!

Obviously, having an unsupportive family is tough, but the good news is, those fuckers are going to be (several?) states away.

If the move is set in stone, and this is something you BOTH want to do, you can make it a simple dinner conversation.

“Oh by the way we found a new place and are moving in XYZ time.”

Don’t approach this scenario as fall out, they are simply excited and want to know more details about how often they’ll see you.

You’ll need to be a strong support behind him if the family freaks, and I would recommend establishing social circles quickly via work or hobbies once you move.

At the end of the day, if you’ve never disappointed your parents, you probably are forgetting to do something.

Sylvanly,

The Crone

Dear Forest Fey,

It also needs to be abundantly clear that as his partner you absolutely supersede his family in terms of your future together (especially if you’re married).

If the MIL tries to guilt her son and turn him against you kill her you will both need to establish healthy boundaries.

Moving away is not a betrayal, or an abandonment, it is a very normal thing to do, and if they’re gonna be unsupportive… I’m trying to figure out a diplomatic way of saying they can choke.

Nah that’s what I’m going with.

Encouragingly,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I'm auditioning for a very high-level music program that's across the country from where I live.

Frankly, auditions scare the shit out of me, and I'm reconsidering sending in what I have.

I could use some copy-and-paste encouragement!

Unsurely,

Indecisive

Dear Indecisive,

No copy pasting here!

I think you’re future tripping a bit, the potential acceptance spiraling into moving details, costs, and very understandable concerns of the future.

If you truly believe what you have is your best foot forward, all you need to do is send it.

If you want to redo something, go for it.

The goal is not:

To-apply-and-get-in-and-then-graduate-top-of-your-class-and-then-get-hired-to-be-a-songwriter-for-Adele-and-then-slowly-fall-in-love-inspiring-a-new-era-of-albums-and-then-slowly-have-the-spark-fade-because-what-were-you-thinking-falling-in-love-with-international-singing-sensation-Adele-there’s-no-way-you-could-live-up-to-her-expectations-so-now-you’re-divorced-all-because-you-got-into-a-high-level-music-program-across-the-country-oh-my-god-why-did-you-divorce-Adele-get-her-back-please!

The goal is to submit your work. Let everything flow from there.

You got this.

Surely,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Somehow, people in moderate positions of power over me end up developing a power trip against me.

It happened in high school with coaches, and now in grad school with my dept chair.

Is it pheromones?

Bad vibes?

My hair?

Apparently begrudged,

Mosquito

Dear Mosquito,

I honestly cannot speak to the actions of others, all I can suggest is you maybe need to readjust your behavior.

As frustrating as academia can be— trust me I know— dept chairs don’t really have the time for a power trip over a single grad student.

They may be abrasive, poor communicators, and frankly rather intimidating, but it typically isn’t personal.

This doesn’t excuse rude behavior, but it’s important to realize it definitively ISN’T about you.

Keep doing your work, keep making progress.

At the end of the day, you’re there to learn, and get your degree.

You’ve got this.

Academically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I befriended a girl a couple months ago, but as I got to know her, I realized I hate how she makes me feel and it feels like she is always trying to one-up me by becoming me.

I suck at setting boundaries but I need change.

Please help.

Annoyed,

Fed Up with Frenemies

Dear Fed Up,

You don’t need to set up boundaries if you just drop her.

You don’t like how she makes you feel.

She’s annoyingly competitive to be around.

Say you can’t make it, eventually she’ll stop inviting you to things.

Simply,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I overheard my dad talking about possibly divorcing my mom.

Now that possibility is very real and it scares me.

But I don’t want to talk to them about it cus that will just make the conversation happen sooner.

I don’t know what to do, any advice?

Unknowingly,

Trying My Best

Dear Trying,

I’m sorry you overhead such a conversation, that is difficult news to deal with.

Truthfully, there is nothing you can do.

A potential divorce is not your problem, your concern, or your fault.

While I don’t inherently recommend avoiding the topic, it’s acceptable to wait until your parents are ready to discuss it with you.

This is not your burden to bear.

Patiently,

The Crone

Hello Crone (and Daniel),

I am throwing a SpongeBob party; Should I go with a Mr Crabs or Doodlebob costume?

P.S. What would the Crone (and Daniel) want on a friendship bracelet if given one?

Under the sea,

Bookworm5299

Dear Bookworm5299,

Doodlebob.

And a black cat charm.

Me hoy minoy,

The Crone

Dear Bookworm5299,

Doodlebob.

A crescent moon.

Me hoy minoy,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I’m sick of being stuck in this dimension, but my portals keep collapsing like ectoplasmic souffles.

What rituals and materials do you use to plane hop?

Travel buggedly,

African Rain Frog

Dear ARF,

Well if you’re using ectoplasm the only place you’re going is the underworld.

The major ingredients are stardust, good looks, and hardcore mathematics so you don’t overshoot.

Mathemagically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My 10 yr has been being groomed on tiktok/insta/roblox for months now and i just found it on his tablet that he lost and couldn't find.

I am so distressed. I already contacted my local police.

Idk how to get online safety through to him :( help

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

To start I’m very sorry for what happened to your child.

I hope the police are able to do something.

If your child is too young to understand online safety, it’s your responsibility as a parent to keep them offline.

Truthfully,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Relationship advice.

What comes next in a relationship when marriage and kids are off the table?

Futuristically,

What Comes Next

Dear What Comes Next,

It’s entirely up to you.

So long as being unmarried and child free is a mutual decision, your next steps are whatever you want them to be.

Live that DINKy life.

Sincerely,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My dilemma is that I have a strong desire to be intimate with the person I’m dating but a strong desire to hold off until we make things official and exclusive at the end of summer.

For context we started seeing each other in march of this year.

Conflictedly,

Teamjacob

Dear Teamjacob,

This boils down to the question: what is more important?

The intimacy?

Or the legitimacy of the relationship?

Neither is inherently correct, it is exclusive to your boundaries.

Of course, seeing as we are almost three months into your relationship, it would be more than appropriate to ask to define it.

But that’s up to you.

Encouragingly, 

The Crone