Dear Crone,

While abroad I (18F) got a crush on a handsome 22 yo Spanish man. He noticed me and asked me on a I-think-it-was-a-date, before knowing my age. He has a great vibe and seems to love life. I find myself thinking of him too often. Any tips?

Europeanily,

The Spectacular and Pathetic Romantic

Dear The Spectacular,

It sounds like you had a wonderful whirlwind romance with a Spanish lover.

There might even be a book about that somewhere, but in the meantime you can write your own version.

Why do you feel like you’re thinking of him “too” often?

It sounds like you had an experience that you are savoring.

I’m not sure if this is the part where I tell you to drop everything and fly back to find him, but I’m not going to given how expensive air travel is.

I do caution because you are in different stages of your life, but I would argue distance is probably more of a factor than that.

If he left you a way to contact him, that’s great, if not, you are welcome to simply bask in the memory.

Just because something is over doesn’t mean it wasn’t valuable.

And just because it was wonderful does not mean you won’t feel this way again.

Don’t throw down roots just because the roses smell nice right now.

You have time.

Love,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I hope this finds you well. I'm finally in a place that I'm ready to seek a partner.

However, the type I'm interested in are typically not venturing to the dreaded public spaces.

How do I find a (relatively) emotionally stable & available queer nerd?

Sincerely,

The queer nerd who's willing to leave the house

Dear Queer Nerd,

It’s important to realize that at the end of the day we’re solar powered computers that get sad if someone doesn’t hug us.

As such, the link between (relative) emotional stability and willingness to go outside is fairly positively correlated.

The trick here is to find nonsexual queer friendly spaces.

Which shockingly rules out gay volleyball clubs… or so I’ve heard.

This does not mean you cannot enjoy sexual queer friendly spaces, but those aren’t typically the best place to find commitment seeking people.

Overall, hobby groups that unite queer people over a common interest is a great place to start.

Clearly you’re aware of your own type, delve deeper into that.

You’re not attracted to “emotionally unstable/unavailable nerds who don’t go outside”

There are aspects to these individuals that you find enjoyable, and that you will find in emotionally available nerds who do go outside.

Your willingness to pursue is a credit to you, and I assure you it’s going to slam into you face first.

Vitamin D-ily,

The Crone

Dear Queer Nerd,

Repetitively,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

So I'm asexual (aromantic?).

My closest friend (asexual too) said he likes me.

I don't know what romance looks like for me and I hate touching so holding hands or cuddling is a no.

So should I go for it or no?

Yours truly stressed,

Me :0

Dear Me :0,

My first instinct is to say no.

Not to be cruel to your friend, but out of respect for his own desires.

By your own admission, you are unsure what romance would mean to you, and dislike touching.

In the case of the latter statement, there are plenty of ways to showcase affection besides touch, and that would be a conversation with your friend in regard to boundaries.

But given that you haven’t yet figured out what a relationship would look like to you, it means you probably are not ready.

This is not a negative, but merely an imperative to investigate your desires through the lens of your sexuality.

If the thought of saying yes is stressing you out, a no is safer for you.

Encouragingly, 

The Crone

Dear Me :0,

I understand that a large portion of this stress comes from a desire to avoid hurting your closest friend.

But the surest way to do that is to engage in a relationship you are not ready for.

Disappointing him now will save him real pain later.

Make it clear you value the friendship, but aren’t sure what a next step would look like for you.

You got this,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I’m dating again after 10 years. It’s hard and I feel myself consistently saying “how do I do this again?”

It feels strange and uncomfortable. But I do want to be in a loving relationship.

Any tips to approach dating again more confidently?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

The good news is dating IS strange and uncomfortable.

You are opening yourself up to strangers in the hope of truly connecting with someone.

Chances are if you feel completely comfortable all the time always, you’re either hiding something or boring as fuck.

The trick is mindset.

You aren’t hunting for the sire of your progeny, you’re back in the game to meet new people.

You will improve your self confidence by improving your routine.

Going outside, working out, and socializing outside of dating pressures will literally make your brain feel good about who you are.

And you should feel good.

You’re starting a new adventure after all.

It’s important to remember that everyone in the dating scene is also single and looking. You’re literally in the best company possible.

As long as you don’t vomit all over yourself at a block party surrounded by Europeans a foot taller than you like Daniel did.

You’re good.

Slay the house boots downily,

The Crone

Dear Anon,

It was ONE TIME.

Seriously,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I'm in love with my best friend!

He lives with me and we used to date, but now he's not interested in me.

Other than performing a lobotomy on him while he sleeps, or accepting his shit taste in women and moving on with my life, what are my options?

Medically,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I’m going to hold your digital hand when I point out that you have outlined your only options.

Given that very few people can pull off jumpsuit orange, I’m going to be firmly anti-lobotomy, if not for his sake then for the sake of your undertones.

If he’s not interested and this is hurting you, you need a change of environment, and I would suggest not living with him any more.

Barring that, every other choice will cause issues.

He’s a person who made a decision. And do you really want someone whose first pick isn’t you?

Get out and go ride a dragon… or three.

Innuendoily,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I'm about to graduate from my master's, and I have to move out from my parent's house (and find a job) in the next two or so months.

I feel like I'm changing too many major things at once and I'm scared.

How do you deal with change?

Nestily,

Baby Bird

Dear Baby Bird,

I am going to take you at your word and assume that whatever your circumstance you need to graduate, move out, and find a job ASAP.

Break it down.

1. Graduation

   1. Show up to class

   2. Don’t black out on weekdays

   3. Schedule necessary equipment checkout/lab time

   4. Turn in my research/work on time

2. Move out

   1. Budget

   2. Find potential roommates

   3. Find places accepting new tenant

   4. Find co-signers if necessary

3. Job hunt

   1. Update resume

   2. Research salary expectations for someone with your degree

   3. Apply to literally everything, I don’t care if it says 10 years of experience if they weren’t still looking the application would be closed

Obviously it may be more detailed with your personal situation but that’s the gist of it.

The truth is you don’t deal with change, it happens regardless.

That’s the whole point.

You handle how you react to it.

Plan and execute something, and the nice part is stuff will happen even if it fills you with anxiety.

But once you’ve proven to yourself you can handle it you will stop stressing out about stuff like this.

I believe in you!

Excitedly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I went to art school. Work in an art-ish focused career.

I got married. Had kids. We bought a house.

I love my husband, and being a mom. But now what?

I did everything we are supposed to do, but I’m somehow feeling unfulfilled, and ungrateful.

Sincerely,

And then…

Dear And then…,

It’s wonderful that you have achieved so much. Truly.

A house, children, and loving your husband is beyond many people’s wildest dreams.

This is not a criticism of your gratitude, but a genuine accolade to something that is incredibly fucking difficult.  

Both of your described feelings are valid and while there is an internal aspect to them, there are external changes you can make.

You’ve done everything you are supposed to, so what do you want to do next?  

Outline goals for yourself.

They can be anything from fitness to travel destinations. Maybe starting a blog or—fuck it— getting away with arson.

Having something to orient your behavior towards is primally important. We’re a rewards motivated species.

We certainly wouldn’t have children if the process were annoying.

I would highly recommend speaking to a therapist and, if they advise, your husband as well.

“Now what?” is now entirely up to you. It’s daunting, but it’s exciting.

At the end of the day both gratitude and fulfillment are choices to feel a certain way, but there are factors you can identify that make these feelings distant.

This is simply another step on the journey.

While the feelings may be overwhelming, it too will pass.

Sincerely,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I am battling lifelong trauma, unmasking, and bad health.

I feel so lonely. I'm not close to my family and I've lost friends. Plus, asexual.

I do have a pup and a cat but how do I combat the desire for companionship?

Love,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

You don’t need to combat your desire, you’re feeling something that everyone feels.

Regardless of your trauma, unmasking, or health, you are still worthy of companionship.

I believe a first step is seeking professional help, as someone who is personally familiar with your history can better provide resources and support groups for those with similar experiences.

The surest way to continue feeling lonely is to try to reject the part of yourself that doesn’t want to be.

Acknowledging what you want is the first step on the path to getting it.

Slow and steady.

Warmly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I'm really in a bind financially right now, and I have to rely on my friend for pretty much everything, and I’m really embarrassed that I can’t cover my basic living needs on my own.

How do I pay my friend back for everything she is doing to help me?

Sincerely,

A broke babe

Dear Babe,

This is a two part answer.

The first is showing gratitude, making it clear that you appreciate your friend in a way that makes it clear to her.

This can be as simple as asking what you can help with.

The second is to find a way out of this.

Budgeting, job hunting, and finding ways to earn or save money, whether that means moving, or doing odd jobs, whatever can get you back on your feet.

This is a tough position to be in, but the best way to pay your friend back is to get back on your feet and help her when she needs you.

It may take time, but failing only happens if you stop trying.

Encouragingly,
The Crone

Dearest Crone,

I’m 17 years old (save your lectures) and my biggest dream is to go to Yale for astrophysics.

I got into a summer program but imposter syndrome is really getting me— please help in any way you can!

Anxiously,

Burnt Out Gifted Kid 🫶

Dear Gifted Kid,

Consider my lectures saved!

Congratulations on getting into your summer program, so long as you don’t accidentally eat another applicant you probably aren’t the imposter!

No seriously.

The surest way to beat imposter syndrome is attend and do your best.

Not necessarily the best, but so long as you are committed to learning and striving to improve, you can’t be an imposter.

In my experience, nobody knows what they’re doing until it snaps into place like Archimedes in a bathtub. Especially when a STEM degree is involved.

That isn’t being an imposter, that’s life.

You don’t need to know everything, it’s okay to make mistakes, go out and learn dammit.

And when you’re receiving a Nobel prize, thank the old witch in the computer.

Love,

The Crone

Dearest Crone,

I love you and Daniel’s videos! I’m a fantasy writer and well I just have to ask…

Do you want to read my book, Chest of the Tide?

Sincerely,

Hopeful & Inspired, Megan Lynae Green

Dearest Megan Lynae Green,

We’d love to!

Consider it on our TBR but if there’s more we should know about your series feel free to reach out!

Contact information can be found here!

Love,

The Crone

Dearest Megan Lynae Green,

Thank you so much for your submission!

And if you or anyone you know wants to promote their revolutionary birth control, grimoire for sale, or cloak shop with The Times send them here!

Love,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

If I were to build a nicely sized book shed, what would be a cost effective way to do it and place the spells and curses in a timely manner?

Spellcastily,

One of the Many Children of the Corn

Dear One of Many,

The best way to get your shed built is to go wander around a home depot looking lost until a kindly lesbian shows you the true path.

In terms of spellcasting, slow and steady wins the race.

Summer Solstice is the best time for water proofing spells, Winter Solstice for fire proofing, though a full moon can do if you’re in a pinch.

I’d recommend getting a diary with a blood lock. If you can’t summon one directly from Tir Na Nog store bought is fine. Shop local.

If you’re feeling nasty you can get it to cast fireball on itself if someone other than you opens it, but again make sure you’ve fireproofed the rest of the shed.

Write down your curses and how to break them. Yes it’s a security risk but it’s a pain to call ΔΔΔ because you forgot how to undo being plagued with visions of those you’ve lost.

If you think it can’t happen to you. It will.

Keep the Priapnioran stuff in a soundproof chest.

You’ll know why soon enough.

If the lesbian sticks around I want an invite to the wedding.

Matchmakingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Is Daniel single and taking SO applications?

Thank you!

Anonymous

PS sorry if I made you uncomfortable, Daniel!

Dear Anonymous,

Is he single? Yes.

But truthfully he’s a better fit in a psych ward than a relationship right now.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Anonymous,

Not uncomfortable that’s very sweet.

But yeah the Crone clocked that one.

🤷 ,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I am unfortunately stuck in a “why not both” trope if it could extend to “why not ALL of them”.

None have asked to be ‘exclusive’.

Is it wrong of me to assume exclusivity with one or to keep up with all of them/play favorites?

Rhythmically,

Tango

Dear Tango,

If you’re up for it… I see no reason to make it end.

Never assume exclusivity, it needs to be verbalized.

If you want that, I would bring it up with the harem member in question.

If not, I say fuck it. And him. And them too.

Keep us updated this sounds juicy.

See if you can get them to compete for your attention like an Ancient Greek princess.

Messily,

The Crone

Dear Tango,

It certainly takes two but who knows maybe seven works.

It’s times like this that remind me of my favorite philosopher: Megan, daughter of Poseidon, who argued

“You ain’t never gotta fuck him for a thing, he already made his mind up before he came,”

Neigh,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I’m 18 in college with 2 jobs and I’m constantly stressed and burnt out by it all, so I decided to dropout but I don’t know if that’s really the best idea.

Could the Crone offer guidance? (Love the hoodies already bought one)

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I’m glad you’re keeping warm.

I immediately hesitate to encourage dropping out, as that’s a significantly more permanent decision than other options.

I do not know the full details of your circumstance, so all I will ask is: do you have a back up plan?

Will dropping out permanently interfere with your ability to provide for yourself long term, or even help with your burn out?

Typically quitting entirely doesn’t help the feeling that comes from overwork, do not confuse a desire for a break with a need to escape.

If you can financially support yourself, and have a back up plan to university education, I will still suggest giving yourself some deadline— end of the semester or the season— to see if things can improve.

I understand that you are overworked, but trying to change jobs to something less demanding/more fulfilling is a better option than ending your formal education early.

I would also greatly suggest meeting with your department councilor to see if there are ways to adjust your academic schedule or consider a temporary leave.

Additionally, they should have resources to meet with professionals that can help you work through your feelings at little to no cost.

This is not the time to rush to an answer.

Don’t worry about next week or even tomorrow, focus on today.

Breath,

The Crone