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- Edition #48: The Annual Special!
Edition #48: The Annual Special!
Daniel Miscounted, Obviously

Welcome to The Valthakan Times

Our First Edition was March 1st, 2024!
Greetings Valthakai, Pisces, Seattlites, and people who are soon going to realize it was seasonal affective disorder,
Daniel completely miscounted, and so THIS edition marks a year since we began this newsletter.
Since then, we have grown to over 15,000 subscribers, launched our premium Valthakan tiers, and continued to develop as a community.
Needless to say, it has been an honor.
For those wondering where the fuck the remaining four editions are, The Valthakan Times was initially a Friday newsletter before switching to Monday postings!
Something Daniel completely forgot.
When the Crone first launched her advice column, she thought that most people would view it as an opportunity for a laugh, but the vulnerability our fans have shown in sharing the issues they have has touched her wizened old heart.
We hope that we have honored the write-ins we received, please know that while we may not be able to address every one, your bravery in sharing a part of your life means everything to us.
To let Daniel be sappy for a moment, it has been a massive journey for him to claim that he enjoys writing to… actually sharing it.
With the Discord, his ARC, and his transcriptions of the Wanderings of the Crone, he has made more progress than the past 10 years combined.
Who knew all you’d have to do was write?
Thank you to everyone who has helped make this newsletter a success, and by that I mean YOU!
Enjoy!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel

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Every meal was mushrooms or fucking potato

Daniel’s Books of the (Last) Year
Given the excitement of this annual milestone, I decided to share the three books that I simply devoured in 2024.
You’ll also find quotes in today’s edition from elsewhere in the following series!
![]() Oh no! The vampires are French | It is so, so easy for a sequel to fuck up what made the previous book special. Empire of the Damned did the opposite. While I waited close to three verkakte years for this book to be released, it was well worth every second, delivering exactly what a sequel should be. Humanity has lost, and the man that should have been its savior is now a prisoner of Empress Margot Chastain. The Empress of Wolves and Men has declared Gabriel de Leon will share his story for her historical records before he is summarily executed. Life sucks, but the Dead suck harder |
![]() Your mother still won’t understand you | While it may seem insane to you to mention the seventh book in a twelve book series, I am doing just that. I have been lauding Cradle for well over a year now, because it’s just that good. I am on my fourth reread, and I can’t get enough of Lindon each time. Declared Unsouled, his clan shuns his desire to learn magic, because what point is there in investing in someone incapable of following a Path? Over a decade of being declared worthless, and Lindon realizes the incredible: his clan is a bunch of fucking morons. What is a mere Jade to a Gold? Or beyond? |
![]() OH FUCK what now? | How often have you been able to blame god(s) for your problems with definitive proof? Well look no further than Vigrið, a land broken by the apocalyptic, inter-pantheon battle of the divine. But most do not care for such history, content (or struggling) to eke out their lives in a frigid land full of monsters. Orka, merely seeks to find her son. Elvar wishes to prove herself the warrior she clearly is. Varg hunts vengeance for his sister. With the trilogy finally complete, I can happily say that The Fury of the Gods delivers. Vigrið demands sacrifice, and that’s exactly what you are going to see. |

Your hair lacks volume and defin—

Dear Crone
An advice column
Dear Crone and Daniel, I almost broke my friend’s leg. I cannot parallel park, and the car behind me was a Dodge Charger that I didn’t want to hit. My only thought was to take a page out of Daniel’s sister’s book and have my friend stand between the two cars and I HIT HER! I didn’t hit her HARD, just enough for her to yell at me. She’s mostly fine, just in a brace. How do I thank her and apologize? Mathematically, Kneecap Eliminator | Dear Kneecap Eliminator, I hope you know that Daniel was sobbing with laughter while reading this. When requiring assistance to parallel park, the trick is enlisting someone with depth perception. I’m glad your friend is okay. My suggestion is either to promise them to take them to the airport the next time it’s applicable, or you could get a decorated pastry apologizing for the event. Though I genuinely discourage offering anything that admits to this in writing. But maybe you can promise to practice a bit between some trash cans. Laughingly, The Crone |
Dear Crone, I have a guy that I like. A LOT. And everyone keeps saying he likes me too, and he certainly acts like it. He's practically the Golden Retriever guy that every girl dreams of having. But he says he wants to get to know me before making an affirmative decision. However, he keeps saying things like 'I can't wait to see you at rehearsal' and 'Seeing you was the best part of my shift,' and it's infuriating me. What in the seven realms of hell am I supposed to do? Sincerely, Distressed, Not A Damsel | Dear Distressed, I’m tempted to say “go on a date with his best friend,” but honestly, a man can do worse than be cautious. However, I will say that there is a fine line between “making an informed decision” and simply leading you on. You can’t do anything to convince him, but you can clarify that you aren’t waiting around. Keep going about your typical day, and be slightly less available than usual. Whether that’s busily focusing on rehearsal or being unable to stop by his work until after his shift. Make him work to see you. Delicately, The Crone |
Hello sweet lady, I could write today for a number of reasons, but let’s start with this gem. My mother wants to join the Ukrainian military, and I want to go with her. Let’s lay down the facts. Ukraine? An active, occupied, war zone?! Yeah, I guess, why not? I'm a senior in high school, graduating in June. I'll take a gap year to learn the languages (and probably self defense, too), so I don't see why not. In fact, I'm excited! ...... So what is this sinking feeling in my gut? And why am I crying? Anonymous | Dearie, First of all, it’s Crone. Second of all, your mother is having a psychotic episode. Put her on mood stabilizers. I’m not sorry to be this harsh, but why would any army on the planet take a (presumably) 40-50 year old foreign woman, and her 18-ish year old daughter and put them in active combat? Especially when you don’t speak the language! It sounds like both you and your mother need some direction in your lives. If you want to join the military, may I suggest the one in your home country? You’re crying because your mother needs a clinical assessment. I cannot stress this enough. To paraphrase Tyra Banks, I’ve never yelled at a girl like this before. This is not a viable or healthy way forward for you. You need to reassess. Emphatically, The Crone |
Illustrious Crone, I was wondering if I could get some advice on whether or not I should leave my boyfriend of 10 years. Yes you read that right BOYFRIEND of 10 years. We have talked about marriage and he understands how important it is to me, we have a child together and he is a wonderful father and attentive partner and we’re in a good place financially and every time I bring it up he says he wants to but here we are 10 years later (11 in June). What the hell do I do? Anonymous | Glamorous Anon, As delicately as possible, you gave him a wife without any expectations or obligation to be a husband. The only way a marriage will work is if he actually wants that commitment, which after ten years, I’m sorry to say he doesn’t. The last thing you need is a shut-up ring and resentment. If there was no child in the picture, I would suggest ending the relationship, but given that he is a good partner and father, I don’t think blowing up your child’s home life is the way to go about this. Couples therapy would be my minimum suggestion, but you may need to come to terms with the fact that he won’t marry you. Honestly, The Crone |
Dear Crone, Two years ago, I started writing. I’ve written every single day since, and I love it like nothing I’ve ever loved before. I’m nearly done with my first book. It’s not perfect, but I’m proud. Problem is I’ve never told a soul about it. I’m scared people might think it’s terrible, or that they’ll laugh. I want to share my work. I want feedback, because it’s a vital part of growth. How do I put myself out there, let people beta read, and finally share the things I love? Cautiously, Lone Writer | Dear Lone Writer, I want to start by congratulating you for reaching this step. The fact that you’ve managed to keep your writing under such wraps is also rather impressive, but obviously that has made finding BRs a bit of an issue. If you’d like to find beta readers, I suggest joining online writing clubs. Communities with that focus prioritize productive critical environments and will allow you to read other authors’ work. Websites like Reedsy can help match you with editors or publicists if you need to find editors. Daniel has used the site to store his writing! Remember that criticisms are not personal, and it doesn’t matter how much work you have put in, there will always be room to grow. That is a good thing. The first critique may feel like a knife to the chest, but pulling it out and examining it will make you a better writer. Take the first step, maybe have a preferred cocktail on standby. Encouragingly, The Crone |
Need Advice?

Because a cleaved head no longer plots

People Watching With Daniel
A fun change for this edition
While normally this would be where I include The Hard Covers section, recent travels have me feeling poetic.
So every few editions, I may slip in some people watching observations as part of my therapy practices.
While the online world can often get overwhelming, it’s fundamentally fake.
And per my therapist’s suggestion, I actively choose to be off social media (I’m aware of the irony) and connect with the day-to-day of my average, real world routine.
Yes, I spent $120+ a session to get told to touch grass.
But you know what? It works.
In Vancouver, I typically bus to get to places, and in fighting against my phone addiction, I’m usually subtly checking people out.
Recently, I sat next to a woman who reminded me of just about every kindly elementary school teacher I could think of. Frizzy, ruddy hair, smile lines and crow’s feet, and an aura that I can really only describe as spring.
I’ll admit this was rude, but I glanced at her phone to see what she was so engrossed in.
It was pictures of herself, roughly edited— likely with Canva— to include floral prints and decorations. Bright colors and cheesy quotes.
She opened her browser, and I saw her most recent Google searches.
“How to be an interior designer”
“Design school”
And a few different color palettes.
It made me… happy.
She was in her 40s, which, to clarify, is not old, but is often past the time people seek to pivot and pursue their passions.
I had no doubt this woman on the bus had some job that she didn’t find fulfilling, and here she was, dedicating a few minutes of her commute to pursuing joy.
I didn’t speak to her, and I’m glad I didn’t interrupt her.
Instead, I basked in the sonder with Lady Gaga vocalizing in my ears.
She got off the bus three stops later, and all I can say is I hope she makes it.
Though she should probably invest in a privacy screen.
So when was the last time you people watched?
I check people out... |

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