Most Deariest Crone, notwithstanding Daniel,

I’m looking into getting into dating/relationships for the first time in my life now that I’m in my 40s, yay therapy!

How do I casually explain that I’ve never had a proper relationship without going into the nittiest grittiest of why?

I understand and value that I’m different, and boy howdy am I, but how much of that needs to be downplayed or glossed initially?

Potentially honestly,

An adult adulting

Dear Adult,

Congrats on this next step for you.

When it comes to first dates (or just getting to know someone) the rule of thumb in the beginning is “less is more.”

You don’t need to disclose all the lore.

That isn’t the sort of thing that pops up in conversation for the most part (at first).

If things progress, you can share the details, whatever they may be.

I wouldn’t start a date with a PowerPoint on your romantic history, but maybe before the wedding?

Slow is an acceptable pace, and you can assess in the moment how much, and what, you reveal.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’m ready for my thot era.

I think.

I’ll be 25 this summer and I can count the number of dates I’ve had on one hand.

And while my research in the art of sex is extensive, hands-on collaboration will be new for me.

But I’m tired of pretending I don’t want a partner.

I’ve got the confidence, but I need practical advice.

How do I find people who aren’t “intimidated” by me?

Is there a secret to dating apps that makes them not-so-hellish?

Am I going to be forever alone with my cats and books?

Cozily,

Not Desperate But Getting There

Dear Not Desperate,

The secret to dating apps is deleting them, craving attention, redownloading them, and then remembering why you deleted them in the first place.

Repeat said cycle until you bump into your life partner in the street.

I will say that most club or bar goers are typically social butterflies; they aren’t usually “intimidated” by strangers.

Which is to say, so long as you engage positively, you will get positivity back.

Many people will be driven by their insecurities in social settings, causing them to lash out before someone can insult them first, even if the interaction would have gone well otherwise.

Given your self-stated confidence, I will suggest a bar or pub scene that you can go to with friends.

Trivia nights or themes will encourage interaction with strangers, and it will be where you can test the waters in person.

Besides that, interest groups or clubs are always a great choice. Volleyball leagues are very popular with those in their 20s right now. 

Bravely,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My partner and I have been together for 6+ years and it took me this long to process what he told me at the beginning of our relationship.

He will never get married.

We have a great relationship and life, but I'm still bitterly disappointed.

I realized that my desire to get married is largely in part to a very religious family and upbringing with the desire of not being the "scandalous daughter."

I want this relationship so how can I finally process it and move on?

Longingly,

Ring-less Wraith

Dear Wraith,

This is a job for ✨ therapy ✨ 

You will be dealing with familial expectations, as well as the unattainability of your own desires.

That is not something that people typically healthily process alone.

You recognize your wish for this relationship to last, therefore, you have a goal in mind.

Resentment can creep up, but he was abundantly clear from the beginning.

There is nothing he can do to help you with your feelings, besides being the partner that you want to stay with.

Focus on the why behind your desire, and understand that your relationship can have other goals besides a ring.

This is not the end of something, but rather a new direction for it.

Gently,

The Crone

SOS!!

Dear Crone, and Daniel,

I ACCIDENTALLY CAME OUT TO MY MUM YESTERDAY.

For those who don't remember, I've written in a few times about uni and then my girlfriend (six weeks strong!).

However, my family didn't know I was gay, so they think she's a friend.

We've been doing long distance (she lives in the next state, as does my family) which sucks, and I was coordinating flights to see my them when I asked "Hey Mum, what are your thoughts on gay people?" so I could make an educated decision on how to tell her when I DID come out (I thought she would react badly).

She obviously saw straight through that, and one thing led to another where she used her ruthless detective skills to figure out who it was.

Accidentally proudly,

Actress

Dear Actress,

The good news is, if she was able to figure out it was you, she probably suspected it for a while.

Most parents who would react poorly usually are deeply in denial about the very obvious signs that their children are exhibiting.

That being said, she may also need time to process this, as your identity will force her to readjust her expectations for your life.

This is not meant to be a source of guilt but rather a simple observation that parents have ideas about the direction their children are going, and coming out can alter them.

For now, you keep going about your day, and if she wants to approach you to talk about it, let her.

Slowly is the best way to handle these situations.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I've started writing a book.

I chewed on it for a few weeks before telling my therapist.

She agreed that I should and I have begun. She suggested I write a book based on my life. Everyone loves what I have so far.

However, it is going to get pretty dark. Like vanta black dark. Is it normal to be nervous? Or am I over thinking it?

Curiously,

Possiblyoverthinking

Dear Possiblyoverthinking,

Is writing about the darkness helpful to your processing of that trauma, or is it more a reliving of it?

While it is completely normal for darker topics to engender a powerful reaction, your goal should be to remain honest to your story as opposed to trying to horrify your reader base.

If it will be the equivalent of a “dark humor” bomb that makes everyone at the cocktail party uncomfortable, I would say reel it back.

But given that your therapist has signed off on it, and your beta readers have given you such positive feedback, I don’t think you need to worry about that unless you completely alter the tone of your story.

So after all that, I’m sure you’re just overthinking dearie.

Keep writing, and check in with yourself to make sure that it is helping you process, not retraumatizing you.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I guess I'll just jump into it.

My mom and I used to be really close, but that has changed.

She is unwilling to admit when she is wrong about topics she has no personal experience about that me and my sibling do, such as being queer/disabled/poor.

Whenever we point this out to her, she acts like we don't have enough life experience to have formed opinions. I

I have considered going low contact, but can't because I depend on her for financial assistance while I am looking for a job.

Frustratedly,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

Stubbornness in a parent is a test from the cosmos.

Trust me, my vessel would know.

But I don’t think that cutting off a family member for the crime of frustrating you is a good path to take.

Your mother likely will not change, and so long as she isn’t actively harming you, you can accept that certain topics aren’t worth discussing with her.

She is helping to take care of you, but she is ignorant about some things, so be it.

Stand by your ideas and choices; acceptance of who your mother is may bring you closer again.

Otherwise, that’s the sort of thing to drink and bitch with your siblings over.

Cautiously,

The Crone

Most esteemed Crone,

I have a crush on a good but not really close friend's ex (they broke up almost a year ago), and I'm unsure what to do.

I got a vibe from him but nothing big, and I don't really want to make a move unless I talked to my friend first, but why would I do all of that if I'm not sure he likes me?

I'm going back and forth between wanting to take a chance and thinking that he is literally just a guy and should just hit him with my car.

What do you think?

Hyper-Independent Single Oldest Daughter

Dear HISOD,

To start, what is your not-really-friend’s opinion on her ex?

Rage, disdain, or indifference will give you a good indication for how that conversation will go.

I think it’s fine to bring it up now, as you have a clear interest in the man, but understand she may not be okay with it.

In which case… do you care?

I think after a year, anyone is fair game, but I tend to take the long view of things.

I say go for it, but be prepared for a less-than-positive reception from your friend.

Curiously,

The Crone

Dear omniscient Crone,

My boyfriend just told me a girl friend of his asked him to go traveling with her.

He informed me that her friends aren’t able to go and she doesn’t want to travel alone.

Additionally, she’s in a healthy relationship of three years and even told him that I may not be comfortable with it.

My first reaction was jealousy (I think) and I told him I’m not comfortable with it.

Am I just being insecure?

I trust him but I don’t know…

Unsurely,

Graceless Girlfriend

Dear GG,

Stab that bitch in the left tit.¹

The day I let a man travel with another woman because she “doesn’t want to go alone” is the day I reenact Medea’s crash out.

You’re not jealous, you’re having a very rational response to a woman clearly overstepping normal boundaries.

I’m sure you trust him! This woman… not so much.

I don’t care about her alleged healthy relationship, her man can take her on that trip she wants to go on so badly.

Yours will be at home head first in the dinner you shaved for him.

Emphatically,

The Crone

Hey Crone,

I’m feeling stuck in life at the moment.

I recently got a promotion at work, something I have been aiming for for a while now, and love my job and industry, school camps here in Aus, have great friends (though forever single 😅) and hobbies I love.

Yet I still feel stuck, like nothing I’m doing is fulfilling, and still feels like there’s this part of me that’s just empty and I have no idea how to fill it, to become unstuck.

Please help,

This Stuck Aussie Gal.

Dear Aussie Gal,

It seems like you have achieved everything you should want.

Now you have to figure out what it is that you actually desire.

Given your mentioning of your single status, a partner is likely involved in that.

You may also wish to set your sights on some new goals, whether financial, fitness, or hobby-oriented.

Sometimes, you may just need something new— trying out a new restaurant, recreational activity, etc.

Lastly, gratitude is the way to go. Life will not always be a rollercoaster or burning passion, it will be many small, treasured moments as well, and learning to appreciate those is its own skill.

The void in you will require some deep introspection, something that I always recommend involving a professional.

Understand that while these feelings may be frustrating, they are real and temporary.

Be inquisitive and open with yourself.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

There is this guy best friend and we've been friends for a long while now.

I really liked him.

And I have even told him that.

Though he rejected me and we became closer after that, I couldn't help but feel like I lost something.

And now he has a girlfriend, and while I have no ill feelings towards her, it just gets harder to see them together when he tells me about her.

This might just be my acute singleness talking, but I feel horrible about myself when I see them like that…

Disappointedly,

Persephone’s Ichor

Dear Persephone,

Your feelings are very understandable, this situation is a blow to anyone’s pride, after all.

It sounds like their relationship is still in the honeymoon phase, and you don’t need to be around for it.

Space to not hear about this guy’s girlfriend is going to be the best remedy.

You can be subtle about it, but give yourself time away from him, it’s the best way to move on.

You’re having a normal reaction to rejection and bravely dealing with it head on, which is commendable.

But you can give yourself a break from it too.

Gently,

The Crone

Dearest Crone,

While I see your point, my mother is incredibly capable.

I could list all her accomplishments, but that would take up space.

Point is, I trust her with my life. She would also not be in the front lines, but would work a desk job.

She speaks four languages, including Russian, and has a military background.

The question is no longer 'is this a good idea?' but 'how do I convince myself I won't die in an air raid, and while I'm at it, continue my life?'

Lovingly,

Ukraine Bound

Dear Ukraine Bound,

I cannot convince you that you won’t die in an air raid, as that is a very real possibility.

You continue with your life by going outside anyway.

That is not meant to be blunt or cruel, but that is the reality.

In your mother’s case, I found that the Ukrainian military will only accept foreign nationals with demonstrable Ukrainian heritage between the ages of 18-45.

While I’m unfamiliar with your nationality or heritage, it’s possible the only person eligible to enlist will be you.

What is the plan if your mother, for any number of reasons, is turned away?

This is far more than an adventure, it’s a very real risk to your lives.

There are other ways to support the causes you care about without uprooting yourselves and moving to a foreign country.

I just want you and your mother to consider them.

Honestly,

The Crone