Dearest Crone,

If you’ve ever seen Bohemian Rhapsody, my bf left me to explore his sexuality a la Freddie Mercury.

How do I cope, and is there hope that he’s simply bi?

We’d discussed a house & marriage & kids. I’m crushed.

Is he just running scared?

Upset,

Mary Austen

Dear Mary Austen,

This is certainly a touch and go situation.

The odds of a straight man running scared and using experimentation as an excuse is frankly slim to none, so yes it is possible he is bisexual OR gay.

But his sexuality is irrelevant to how you’re feeling in regard to his desire to have this experience without you.

If he does decide he wants to stay with you, are you comfortable with someone who needed an experimental phase while he was with you to discover that?

There is a lot more here than just hoping he is “simply bi”.

You cope by asking yourself these questions, and realizing that just because a discussion occurred doesn’t mean it was going to work out the way you wanted it to.

Supportively,

The Crone

Dear Mary Austen,

This sort of topic tends to be a shit show on ask threads where the response will try to suggest you be an ally and support his experimentation.

I’m happy to tell you I think that’s bullshit.

Regardless of his sexual exploration, it’s completely understandable to feel betrayed or hurt.

Part of coping is accepting that your feelings for the situation are valid.

Even if he was just running scared and wasn’t with anyone else regardless of their gender, would you feel safe to have a future with him?

I’m not saying there is a clear answer, I would suggest couple’s therapy if anything.

But know that your emotions here are completely normal.

Supportively,

Daniel

Hi Crone!

I've been with my partner for 2 years (best friends for 7) and he's a wonderful man that I love dearly.

My question is about the future, he's not really at ease around my kid or my cats.

We can’t really move past dating, can we?

Maternally,

FantastyLifer

Dear FantasyLifer,

While I hesitate to call it an obstacle, it is a very necessary consideration for the future of your relationship.

It is a serious discussion that must be had, as he may not want children.

Simultaneously, depending on your child’s age it’s possible he is trying to give them the space they need with a new adult figure in their life.

Comfort is a factor of time, but considering the cats are an issue as well it sounds like a difference in desired lifestyle.

Talk first and outline your concerns.

They’re very real and you have to protect your kid (and furbabies).

Communication is key.

Talkatively,

the Crone

Dear Crone,

I admired a guy with all I wanted in a partner: funny, smart, mature, bilingual, dance, sing, and hot.

But he's older and married, so I cut contact.

Now, struggling to move on, despite knowing it's wrong.

Need advice to break free from this cycle.

Sincerely,

A hopeless romantic hopelessly lost

Dear Romantic,

I have good news and bad news.

The good news is: you’re breaking the cycle!

The bad news is: this is exactly what it feels like to break a cycle.

Recognizing a person isn’t available is a very necessary life skill— one that many people of all ages struggle with.

Moving on is as much a product of time as it is of effort.

It gets easier day by day, and you can take comfort in knowing you have absolutely made the right decision.

Ending habitual behavior is by definition, uncomfortable. We thrive off of repetition and stability.

Luckily, you have picked the more stable option in the long term, it will just take a while for the rest of you to catch up to it.

One day at a time, and before you know it, there will be a funny, smart, mature, trilingual, dancer/singer, hot man who wants you and will be available.

Journey before destination.

Radiantly,

the Crone

Dear Crone,

I recently got a partner and I think I might be in love.

He says he’s not sure if he’ll EVER be in love, seeing as he doesn’t know what it feels like.

On principle, I refuse to say it until he does.

First (real) relationshippily,

Hopelessly Devoted

Dear Devoted,

From the basis of your write-in, I believe it’s safe to assume this is a fairly young relationship.

Figuring stuff out is 99% of what it means to date as you grow up, and I would theorize that your partner is attempting to understand what love means to him before he says anything.

Truthfully, I would argue that is healthier than simply saying it because he feels like he should.

You’re more than welcome to wait, I don’t see an issue with that, but understand he may process emotions in a vastly different way than you do.

Patience is a virtue, though there’s a difference between waiting 3 months and 3 years.

I would just say see how it goes.

Sincerely,

the Crone

Dear Crone,

I’ve been dating the same guy for 3 years.

He is the only relationship I have had since my 16 year failed marriage.

I have kids and a real job and all the things.

My issue is, this guy and I break up every few months.

How do I know when to quit?

Honestly,

Slow Learner

Dear Slow Learner,

The answer for “when to quit” is almost always “the first time”.

It is possible for relationships to recover from breakups— provided the cause was external.

But if this is a common scenario, it’s unhealthy for you, him, or for your children.

There is a craving one can develop for this sort of drama, the lack of stability mistaken for a form of entertainment.

Cyclical patterns like this essentially serve the purpose of being able to complain about them.

There’s nothing wrong with being a slow learner provided you actually (and eventually) implement what you have been taught.

Give yourself a break.

Calmly,

the Crone

Dear Crone,

My two closest friends are far closer to each other than they are to me.

I'm happy for them but sometimes it feels like I don't belong anymore.

We're going to different colleges soon and I'm half expecting to lose them.

What should I do?

Sincerely,

Lady Lonesome

Dear Lady Lonesome,

It’s very common for friend groups to drift apart as time, environments, and life gets in the way.

If you still enjoy their company now, I would suggest simply enjoying the moment with them.

Once you separate, you can still try to keep in touch, but if the effort isn’t reciprocated, you are allowed to let them go.

It is not personal for these sort of things to happen, and you will absolutely make new friends once you’re in college.

Just because something is temporary doesn’t make it any less important.

You’re starting a new chapter in your life, and I for one am very excited for you!

Educationally,

The Crone

Dear Lady Lonesome,

What was no doubt the number one piece of advice that I received when going off to college was join a club. 

Any sort of interest group is a great way to get introduced to new people.

This can be a sport, a hobby, or even something you have always wanted to try but didn’t have the time for.

Whatever you do, don’t sign up for classes before 10am. 

Sleep more than you study, study more than you party, party as much as you can!

Academically,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I am a person who is currently not ready for a romantic relationship.

However, my mother keeps hinting at such things during every conversation we have, making it really awkward to continue.

How can I fix the situation going on?

Frustratedly,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

Welcome to life and living.

As annoying as it may be, I would argue that this is a manifestation of your mom’s love for you.

She wants you to be happy, and thinks you’re G-d’s gift to this earth.

So of COURSE you should be seeing someone because there are a string of potential partners FIENDING for the chance to whisk you away.

I commend you for recognizing that you aren’t ready for romance, and want to remind you that in the end you’re the one in charge in this regard.

“Fixing” the situation would mean finding a partner, but before you do that remember that it’s just words.

Roll your eyes and smile is how Daniel normally deals with it.

It’s also possible that she thinks you may be in the closet and is trying to imply it’s safe for you to come out.

It’s a mother’s job to be nosy.

Just… fair warning.

Humorously,

the Crone

Dear Anon,

Once you figure out how to get your mom to stop meddling please write in again with a step-by-step.

Desperately,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I fear I've birthed the next great warlord of our time.

She's rambunctious, loud, doesn't take no for an answer and feral.

How do I keep my sanity and not break her or my spirit?

Increasingly Alarmed,

Concerned and Proud

Dear C&P,

Children crave structure, and they simultaneously lack the capacity to word desires for such things— it’s the nature of the young.

As such, they assess where the boundaries are by pushing up against them.

Cause-and-effect is the best way to maintain and elaborate on these boundaries.

Certain behaviors = positive consequence.

Certain behaviors = negative consequence.

Your concern for her emotional state does you credit, as previous generations gave very little recognition to the fact that they were raising a person.

But you are still the adult, still in charge.

If she doesn’t take no for an answer, then she deals with a consequence of that.

Gentle parenting really just means you don’t beat the shit out of your child.

If these consequences are new, you may deal with massive emotional fall out in the beginning for enforcing them, but again, you are still the parent, and children adapt quickly to these kinds of changes.

Sounds like you should get her in kick boxing or something similar too.

Children aren’t programmed to maturely handle excess energy. That’s a learned skill.

Good luck future imperial advisor.

Cackling,

the Crone

Dear Crone,

I am moving away for college soon enough and am worried that my parents are going to divorce since they have never gotten along and always fought.

I am (respectfully) traumatized, terrified and not sure how to proceed.

Any advice?

Copingly,

Hella Anxious but Slaying

Dear Slaying,

I’m going to assume that given your concern over your parents’ relationship, they’ve likely been overly involving you in the details for some time.

I’m here to tell you that was wildly inappropriate on their part.

The way you proceed is by going to college and letting them sort their bullshit out.

You do not need to be involved, you do not need to be worried, you need to focus on making it to your classes.

Obviously that is easier said than done, but allow yourself to differentiate between feeling anxious, and burdening yourself with your parents’ anxiety.

Very similar feelings, wildly different on the psyche.

Obviously you are concerned, but it is NOT your job to handle your parents’ marital problems.

That is on them.

They are adults.

Go and enjoy your newfound freedom, and consider looking into the mental health programs provided by your university, as they are most often free or heavily discounted for students.

Your parents love you regardless of the state of their marriage.

Now is the time, truly, to focus on yourself.

Encouragingly,

the Crone

Dear Slaying,

I am completely serious when I tell you that my parents should have been a murder-suicide scenario.

Take your pick on who does what it could have been a coin toss.

So I can do nothing more than attempt to drive home that you need to let your parents be fuckwits (or not!) on their own time.

You are allowed to excuse yourself from the situation, especially now that you will be focusing on college.

Obviously it may hurt, but let your parents take care of themselves; it is neither your job nor your responsibility to do it for them.

Breathe,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

If a girl were,

hypothetically,

interested in a little psychological warfare, and the guy she was into,

hypothetically,

started doing things to get her attention after she stopped lavishing him with it, what should her next course of action be?

Muahahahahaha,

New to this Game

Dear Cadet,

Time to stay strong, we’re (hypothetically) starting a tactical campaign that will make Alexander the Great go “sweet Hecate.”

Your goal is to make his head spin, as such, you cannot let him figure out what actually earns him attention.

Respond immediately to three things and then ignore him for the rest of the day.

Go out for a lovely evening, and then be busy for the next 2 weeks.

Whatever you do, do not cave.

NO LAVISHING! 

This isn’t how you maintain a healthy, loving relationship.

It is how you stay entertained though.¹

Honestly you can’t go wrong as long as you keep being difficult.

Please know this isn’t sustainable, but it can be fun.

And given that you needed to do this he wasn’t a good match for you in the first place.

Salute,

the Crone

Dear Crone,

I'm starting my M.Sc. and I would love for audiobook recommendations, stuff to listen to while working in the lab.

Maybe you can ask Daniel for me?

I need help.

Thank you,

a frightened first year master student.

PS I love you

Dear First Year,

Congratulations on the beginning of your Master’s!

When it comes to audiobook narration, Travis Baldree does a phenomenal job with the Cradle series.

It’s 12 books that will definitely keep you entertained in the lab!

Audially,

The Crone

PS I love you too

Dear First Year,

Reminder that you’re not supposed to have headphones on in the lab.

So obviously make sure noise cancelling is off.

And don’t contaminate them with your gloves!

No ones listens to that rule but that doesn’t mean you won’t get in trouble!

Also you could just go ham and go straight into the Stormlight Archives audiobooks… 45 hours each!

Honestly,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

Any tips for an aspiring crone?

Hopefully,

CIT (crone-in-training)

Dear CIT,

The trick is mindset.

A desire for adventure, a love of tea, and a 10 o’clock bedtime.

A burning belief in paying as little as possible in taxes, a deadly assortment of spells, enchantment, and artefacts, and of course, a cloak!

Your training is almost complete.

Love,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

A few months back, I started dating someone, but only now have I realized that I just want to be a friend with them.

I don't want to hurt them but I also don't want to keep the relationship going.

What should I do?

Sincerely,

A Lost Soul

Dear Lost Soul,

The surest way to hurt them is to continue staying in a relationship that you aren’t committed to.

You need to rip this band aid off sooner rather than later.

Honesty, clear communication, and an understanding that this could lead to a significant fall out is a part of dating.

You may need to give them space, perhaps permanently.

But that is better than dating out of obligation.

Truthfully,

the Crone

Dear Crone,

Life is very stressful at the moment and normally I like to use books to take the edge off.

Recently though books are failing to help me escape my very sad and stressful reality.

I was wondering if the Crone had any ideas that would help me?

Sincerely,

Duchess of Mischief

Dear Duchess,

If your escapism is no longer working, it may be time to face reality.

There is only so much running that you can do, and it may be time to speak to a professional to help you get a grasp on these stressful situations.

From a less clinical perspective, maybe utilizing audiobooks or podcasts will provide a bit of positive energy to the tasks you have to face.

Encouragingly,

the Crone

Dear Crone,

I’ve been going through it lately.

I feel like law school isn’t for me.

It just feels like the wide eyed curiosity I had when I started is slowly morphing into resentment.

Or maybe I’m just depressed?

Who knows?

Legally,

Walmart Elle Woods

Dear Walmart Elle Woods, Esq.,

If your concern is depression, I would look to see what resources your university (or healthcare plan) may provide you in order to meet with a professional.

It’s very normal for the perspectives on our interests to shift as we fully enmesh ourselves within them.

So ask yourself, do you want to be a lawyer, or did you want to tell people you were a lawyer?

Frankly, either answer is fine, but in the case of the latter, you need to figure out what you truly wish to do.

Maybe you simply need a break and could organize a sabbatical.

Take the time to question yourself and write out your plans for the future.

You truly can’t go wrong with professional help.

Lovingly,

the Crone

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