Finally made it back here after my stint with The Sword of Kaigen.

Family is complicated, especially when Daddy Dearest gets himself murdered while you’re off being disinherited on the other side of the world.

Naturally, Lukan Gardova takes that personally and decides that answers are the next best option once reconciliation is out of the picture.

And so he journeys to Saphrona, a city as renowned for its merchants as its offerings.

Everything has a price, and the truth is no exception.

Dear Daniel and Crone,

First off - you’re certified healers of my depression; 10/10 whenever I feel like everything sucks, your content gives me the energy to kick some ass.

Now, on the advice part, I’ve moved to a foreign country a few years ago, got it good, but sometimes I yearn for new connections.

I speak the local language like a Neanderthal but would like to partake in local activities or clubs.

I’m too chicken to do it because of the language barrier.

Help!

Valerie

Dear Valerie,

Not sure when Daniel’s name started going first, but alright.

The best way to develop your linguistic skills is to apply them!

If you’re too intimidated to speak to locals, I guarantee that there are development groups that center on people who are still learning the native language.

You may even find people who want to practice speaking your mother tongue, and you can trade your skills for theirs.

If you aren’t up for it, don’t jump directly to clubs or activities; socialize in an environment more geared toward learning.

Also, remind yourself that you’re not competing for a prize— you can’t fuck it up so badly you lose.

You’re an adult on a life journey who is learning something important and fun.

Don’t take it too seriously.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I've been reading your advice for a while and never thought I would be on the receiving end of it.

I find myself in a bit of a midlife crisis at the tender age of 24.

On paper my life looks great, I'm getting married next year, I have a decent career yet I feel like I've lost myself along the way.

I'm happy... I think, but I feel there's something missing.

I could use some advice from an otherworldly Crone.

Confusedly,

Crisis in her twenties

Dear Crisis,

I’m going to ask you: what would finding yourself look like?

I assume you have either lost sight of specific goals or are trying to develop new ones.

And that’s okay!

Life can get busy, and you may hit several milestones before looking back and realizing you forgot something.

You have your career and your relationship, so now focus more internally.

Is there a hobby you wish to take up, a cause you want to throw yourself into?

Maybe you have a fitness goal or a sport you want to try.

Wanting to know more about yourself isn't a crisis; it is part of the journey and a very normal feeling when you seem to be nailing it in so many other places.

The fact that you know you’re happy but still want something means you’re ready to take on more of life.

That isn’t a cause for concern, but celebration.

Assess yourself, and understand that where you go from here is entirely up to you.

Optimistically,

The Crone

Dear zero-bullshitting Crone,

In the last year, I left my spouse, changed my job, was made homeless for a bit, entered therapy, and have accepted that the marriage was unhealthy.

I am doing my best to improve, but it’s tempting to chuck everything in the bin.

I’m constantly on the edge of doing stupid or harmful behaviour, and I feel feral.

I know I need to get a handle on this before I do some actual harm to myself.

Do you have any advice on how to do better?

Desperately,

Self-Destruct Button

Dear SDB,

I want to simultaneously stress my support and acknowledge that these thoughts are best discussed with a professional.

I know that you have met with a therapist, but I want to make sure that you are sharing these exact feelings with them.

I don’t want you to pressure yourself with an ephemeral “do better.”

Your goal is to be kind to yourself, because you deserve that.

You have gone through extreme, strenuous lifestyle changes and events, and, understandably, you feel out of control.

But you cannot tame ferality with pain, only through teaching yourself that you are safe.

Be gentle with yourself, and go slow.

And please remain in therapy, if not for your sake, then for the readers like me who care.

Tenderly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My friend of 15 years never puts me first and does not respect my time.

She got diagnosed with ADHD only a few years ago, and I feel like she uses it as an excuse to leave me hanging for plans for hours or to cancel on me last minute.

She does this all the time, but says she is trying.

I haven’t seen any proof of that. She says I’m not respecting her ADHD.

Am I wrong to be upset, or am I being ableist?

Worriedly,

MsTeacher

 Dear MsTeacher,

Ableism would be treating your friend as incompetent by virtue of their diagnosis.

You are, in fact, doing the opposite.

Any neurodivergency does not absolve a person of basic human decency and respect for another’s time.

I, quite frankly, couldn’t give a shit if their soul mate is being held captive by the Dark Lord, if you make plans, you have every right to expect her to stick to them or inform you with reasonable notice that she cannot make it.

Tell her she needs to try harder or start making plans without her.

Better yet, make plans and follow through on them at the time you said you would, regardless of whether she’s there or not.

ADHD is not her fault, but it is her problem, and she’s trying to make it yours.

You don’t need to tolerate that.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dearest Crone,

I'm 38 years old, and my high school ex is still into me.

I left him for one of his friends, since married and have two kids together but ex still pops up in my messages.

Tried giving him closure, but he won't let go.

How do I help him move on without helping him move into the afterlife?

Sincerely,

Jesse’s Girl

Dear Jesse’s Girl,

Congratulations on the magical snatch, truly.

Closure is not your responsibility to give someone 20-ish years after the fact.

It’s closed.

Stop responding to him, stop engaging with him, and do not interact with anything he does.

He’s a big boy who can move on by himself.

You owe him what I owe the IRS: fuck nothing.

Unabashedly,

The Crone

Dear Jesse’s Girl,

I want you to know I’m weighing in out of irritation on your behalf.

He can go to the heaven, hell, Priapnior, nirvana, sheol, or fucking Regina for all any of us should care.

I honestly cannot express how little you owe someone after twenty years.

This is pathetic behavior from a grown man.

Excise it like a tumor.

Honestly,

Daniel