Have I mentioned this book before?

Yes, absolutely.

But sometimes you need to reread your endless ancient French vampiric apocalypse.

It has been over a year since I finished the sequel, and thus I have cause to refresh my memory.

Daysdeath heralds the end of humanity, crops fail— except for fucking potatoes— and the Dead now walk in daylight.

Highblood and wretched.

Priori, ancien, and mediae.

Dyvok, Chastain, Ilon, and Voss.

And they hunger.

Speaking of eating, welcome to the kingdom of Helesia.

It was once ruled by a benevolent God, who sent his angels to bring freedom, piety, and enlightenment.

At least, that’s what the angels have taught.

And we are long past their lies.

God is dead, devoured by the Godless Kings who now rule undying.

The angels are hunted, their blood and flesh the source of unfathomable power.

And unbeknownst to all, the Herald of the Fifth Age has come.

Dear Crone,

My younger cousin majorly overdoes it with her mascara.

We're talking 5 clumps of lashes per eye.

We all made questionable makeup decisions in college (my brows were dark as hell for some reason), but I don't want the other girls talking behind her back.

Her sister asked me to say something because she thought it would be better coming from me than her.

What do I say?

Do I say anything?

She has been doing this for years now, and the number of lash clumps has only gotten smaller...

Desperately,

Concerned Cousie

Dear CC,

Is it not the nature of the young to experiment?

You can certainly offer some cousinly advice, but if that’s how she best expresses herself, I say let it run its course (and take numerous photos for future gatherings).

Bullies will talk regardless, and if she’s immune to their comments, all the better.

Otherwise, you can suggest a more makeup-light look, or perhaps show her a tutorial that you think would look good on her.

You don’t need to be direct, but simultaneously, if you’re close, it may be best to hear it from you.

“Hey, I think your mascara is a little too clumpy,” isn’t going to shatter anyone.

If she decides to lighten up, great; if not, that’s her decision.

Your skin in the game is minimal.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My ex of 5 years just went off and married someone else after less than a year.

I just don't know how or what I’m feeling right now.

I'm a mixture of emotions, and I need help sorting through all of them.

Hurt,

Afraid of being alone

Dear Being,

Regardless of your ex’s turnaround, I’m going to ask the question: Did you want to be their spouse?

It may feel that you have run out of time, or that you wasted it, and that’s a very valid sentiment, but in the end, a breakup with someone you are incompatible with is worth its emotional weight in gold.

Best of luck to your ex and his new squeeze, maybe they’re made for each other, maybe they’ll crash and burn, and you’ll get to watch through a Facebook thread.

Either way, it is not about you, in the best way possible.

Give yourself the time to process, and maybe avoid any social media about the wedding— it’s okay to take time away to convalesce.

Feelings are temporary, but that doesn’t make them unimportant.

I assure you, this is for the best.

Honestly,

The Crone

Hello, most wonderful Crone,

I live with my very autistic, NB partner, and frankly, I've had it.

I am 31 and they are 35, and they seem incapable of doing the most basic things like cleaning up after themselves, hoovering, or showering.

Thank the gods we have separate bedrooms.

I used to help with reminders or requests for "help" but I am so tired of repeating myself, I feel like I am teaching a child.

Our sex life has tanked due to their constant body odour.

What on earth do I do???

Expat Saffa

Dear Expat Saffa,

Neurodivergency is not a reason to avoid adult responsibilities; it is simply an explanation for the way someone may interact with the world.

All that is to say, you don’t need to make excuses for their behavior.

It is absolutely okay to expect regular hygiene and personal responsibility from a 35-year-old.

I think you need to make it abundantly clear:

You feel like you’re their parent, and it’s affecting your sex and home life.

They are absolutely capable of change, any person is.

And if they’re not, that may be a sign that you need something more than they can provide.

You make it clear that it is not an attack on them; you make it clear you love them. However they react, you stay firm in what you want and expect from your grown partner.

Straightforwardly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I recently had to undergo several minor medical procedures.

Either through chance, or the working of my secret enemy.

All four were scheduled back-to-back, across one week.

As I'm now coming out of my hospital-induced confusion, I'm finding an odd collection of piles.

I seemed to have collected every old watch, glasses, and dog collar that I've ever owned.

And some that I swear I've never seen before.

Should I be worried?

Anything but my real name?

Dear Anything,

Whatever you do, do not rely on Google’s AI response or WebMD for your health inquiries.

I would recommend calling your doctor and asking them any such questions.

I am glad that you are home and in recovery, and while I would like to dismiss everything as physical fatigue, I am not in the position of a medical professional to do that.

Maybe check the batteries in your smoke alarm?

Curiously,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I've been constantly under extreme stress and anxiety the past 3 years while studying for my O levels.

Last week, my O levels were done, and now I have 2 weeks of no stressers whatsoever, and it felt great for the first 3 days, but afterwards I felt empty and restless, like I'm floating in a void.

Everything feels wrong, and I feel guilty for not studying even though there's nothing to study.

Any advice on how to cope?

Stress Withdrawal

Dear Stress Withdrawal,

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with your sign-off name!

You have spent the past three years in a state of constant activation, and thus, it has become your baseline emotional condition.

With the removal of that stressor, your body registers the lack of stress—its normal state—as wrong.

It will take some getting used to, and the best advice I can offer is to fill up the gaps in your schedule with new projects, stuff you actually want to focus on as opposed to needing to.

You’ll slowly become accustomed to your new situation, and when the feelings bubble up, work through them directly.

Ask yourself why you are stressed, and force yourself to recognize that you are doing the correct thing: you’re relaxing because you finished your O levels!

Congratulatorily,

The Crone