Dear Crone,

I wanna restart my hoe phase but it's just so much work to find people.

Should I just suck it up and go out and meet people or should I just keep bed rotting?

(I stopped my previous hoe phase because I got too busy but I've got time now)

Mathematically,

Only in Theory

Dear Theory,

A hoe phase is only fun if you’re truly invested in it.

If the thought of finding/maintaining a harem (hoerem?) sounds exhausting, there are many more things you can put your energy into.

All romance is only really worth it if you want to be there.

That being said, if your options are bed rotting or hoeing it down, technically, the latter is less damaging to your mental state (when done safely).

If possible, assess if there is a third option that you can put your energy towards.

If you're still interested in the hoe phase after spending some time on option #3, it’s a good sign you have the energy to put into it.

Birth Controlily,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My long time best male friend is trying to sabotage my long time relationship.

My boyfriend is well aware of this friend and I tell him everything my friend does.

I've been trying to put space between me and the friend but it makes him more clingy.

Confused,

The Baker

Dear Baker,

That is not your friend.

That is a man who has been trying to sleep with you for years and feigned a nonsexual interest in you to get closer.

If your partner is terrible, he should be coming to you out of concern. Given that that isn’t the case, he clearly wants to replace him.

If you love the drama, feel free to let it continue, though your friend will eventually succeed.

If you actually want your relationship to continue, cut that dude off.

He can’t be clingy unless you’re enabling it. You can be honest.

“You’re actively sabotaging my relationship, and it’s harmful to me in the face of our friendship. Bye.”

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My BFF doesn’t support my BF, who she introduced me to, and I recently learned she wanted to sleep with him before he & I met.

I don’t really want to be her friend for this and more reasons.

Do I tell her or let that bridge decay overtime?

Sincerely,

Lady Molotov

Dear Lady Molotov,

Sit down and have a cocktail (or mocktail).

Initially, I would assume that your BFF is over her initial infatuation with your now BF, given that she introduced you two.

In that instance, I would suggest that you talk with her about the discomfort you’re feeling.

However, you’ve mentioned there are more reasons why you’d like the friendship to end.

I’m always against burning bridges, as “I don’t like you, skank” tends not to leave much room for reconciliation, but it is truly up to you.

Slow decay is my preference, but it depends on the severity of your other reasons.

If she has a history of pursuing taken men, I’d offer her jalapeno oil-soaked condoms¹, but if she chews with her mouth open… get drinks instead of dinner.

Cautiously,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My friend introduced me to someone I now have the hots for.

I never asked him what he did for a living (didn’t care) and fast forward: I got a new job, now he’s a coworker.

Do I or do I not still figure out his wing span?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

Once again, I must touch upon the parable: “Don’t shit where you get your ass eaten.”

But simultaneously… you can technically plan for that shit (pun intended).

If he’s your immediate supervisor (hot), I would say it’s an unnecessary complication.

If he is just in your department, I say go balls to the wall… and floor, and desk, and maybe a stairwell if there are no cameras².

If he’s in another department and you don’t see him that often, I say fair game.

Just don’t get fired!

Love,

The Crone

Dear Anonymous,

Pencil skirts.

If that doesn’t get his attention, nothing will.

Enableingly,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I've been with my beloved for 5 years now, both of us young adults. I love him, though I'm afraid staying is the right choice.

Can the first love be true and everlasting?

Sincerely,

The Sugar Fairy

Dear Sugar Fairy,

All I can say to this is, why wouldn’t it be? 

Five years is a long time to grow. As long as you act as an adult—maintaining your finances, debts, work, personal life, and responsibilities—a relationship that serves your emotional needs and is something you actively enjoy is… it.

Your doubts are genuine and understandable. A lifetime is a long time, and it may help to speak to a professional to help highlight where your concerns are coming from.

Your hesitation stems from something, and it's far better to isolate its cause than hope it goes away.

Love isn’t all it takes for a relationship to work, but it’s a great start!

Your next step is clarity. Soul-searching. Whatever you want to call it.

Sagely,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I need to get revenge on my cheater ex, but I have read too many dark revenge arc books, and now I want to boil him in scathing hot oil, one limb at a time.

Is that too far?🤷🏽‍♀️😬

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

I need you to stop giving sucky people the time of day.

But I do prefer the psychological approach.

Drop business cards for homoerotic boudoir photo shoots with his number at gay clubs.

Phone into his work complaining about the worst customer service you’ve ever received and share his name.

Tell his mom.

Or move on. Up to you!

Shrugs,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have been with my partner for almost a year now. However, my mother keeps telling me to forgive AND unblock my abusive ex (my baby daddy).

She keeps telling me to extend an olive branch, but I won't budge. I’m happy and content.

Any advice?

Sincerely,

Frustratingly in Love

Dear FiL,

Don’t engage with your mother on this.

At all.

If she brings up your ex, ignore her. This isn’t a conversation that your mother gets to weigh in on.

As long as your baby is okay, that’s all you need to focus on.

Boundaries,

The Crone

Dear in Love,

You’re welcome to suggest your mother date your ex since she wants him in her life so much.

Barring that, don’t tell your mother to fuck off, but… y’know… tell your mother to fuck off.

Problematically,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

Hello, all the way from the African side.

I'm done with uni and stuck at home.

I want to discover who I am and live freely but my parents have such a big issue with me going out.

What do I do? I want to be free.

Yours Cagedly,

Joe the Doe

Dear Joe,

Hello, all the way from the Canadian side!

I’m assuming your parents aren’t the easiest people to communicate with; if I’m wrong, a sit-down conversation would be beneficial.

But overall, the best way to explore and live freely is to be financially independent, to have your own place, and to manage yourself as an adult.

Staying at home is smart for any number of reasons, but it will hinder your independence.

Congratulations on graduating! Putting that degree to use is the best way to begin your journey of self-discovery.

You’re not running out of time in that regard, but if you want to get to it faster, money helps.

Financially,

The Crone

Dearest Crone,

I am entering my forties and desperately want to avoid becoming a shadow of my former self.

Do you have any spells or advice on how to be forty+ and fab?

Gracefully,

Jack Squiggleton

Dearest Jack Squiggleton,

The spells are the same for any age: good friends, good food, and a good routine.

Exercise is a part of the latter, and there are many ways to make it fun!

Who knew the thing that causes our brain to produce dopamine was good for us?

You needn’t fear the shadow. That only happens if you sacrifice the things that bring you joy on the altar of someone else’s making.

Aging is a privilege, and gratitude does wonders for enjoying it.

Just don't spend your 300s snorting pixie dust…

Fabulously,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’m 31, own my house, car, and have a decent job.

Yet my father insists I have to run everything by him and gets angry when I don’t.

How should I deal?

Sincerely,

AvelinaFaber

Dear AvelinaFaber,

Just don’t tell him.

Obviously, this is easier said than done, and when it comes to parents disrespecting boundaries and being unable to communicate with them, I always recommend therapy.

But overall, if you have a house with a lock and own your stuff, he can’t do anything.

You may need to sit with the discomfort of an angry father, but the volume button on your phone works wonders during calls.

Let him rant and rage… he’s not paying your bills.

He’ll either learn to accept you as an adult, or he won’t be a part of your adulthood.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My husband is driving me crazy.

He interrupts me when I speak, invalidates my feelings, and told me I looked “professional” when got a new hair cut.

He also gulps his tea really loud.

He said no to marriage counseling.

What do I do?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

If your husband refuses counseling, that’s on him.

You’re still more than able to pursue it.

Speak to a professional; either he will take that as a sign that you’re serious or will continue to invalidate your actions.

To me, you’re saying that he is argumentative and doesn’t notice the effort you’re putting in, but only you know if this results from stress, a sudden change in behavior, or a longtime problem.

You can only control or change your behavior. Speaking to a professional is the best place to start.

Cautiously,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My husband and I are debating the best casting for an ACOTAR HBO adaption.

Current casting is:

Henry Cavill as Rhys.

Robert Pattinson as Azriel.

Charlie Hunan as Cassian.

Blake Lively as Mor.

Dakota Fanning as Feyre.

But who should play Amren?

Sincerely,

A Girl Can Dream

Dear Girl,

I think I’d rather take a shotgun blast to the chest than see a live-action version of A Court of Thorns and Roses.

It’s a crap medium for fantasy, and before anyone goes, “Oh, what about Game of Thrones?”

I will respond, “Season 8.”

You have picked a lineup of very talented actors, though I would push for Can Yaman as Cassian.

You’re welcome.

Thank you for not saying Timothee Chalamet as Azriel.

I am forever in your debt.

Obviously, Amren should be played by an Asian actress, which means Scarlett Johannsen is the best choice.

Sarcastically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I might have been flirting with a biker?

He was swerving and revving his motorcycle while looking at me.

I would smile and shake my head at him.

Eventually, he went another way. I may never see him again!

I get the Biketok girlies now 🥵

Sincerely,

Flustered Girlie

Dear Flustered Girlie,

Somewhere out there is a motorcyclist who tried his best to get a woman to realize her turn signal had been on for the past eight miles.

Or maybe he is telling his friends about the beautiful driver with whom he shared a brief but passionate moment.

Who knows? That’s the fun part about imagination!

I’m glad you had fun, dearie; as long as his credit score is >750, ride him or the bike, I say.

Love,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

If a girl were, say, creating a burn book with her best friend, how vicious is it appropriate to be?

Does one write every transgression the star of each page has committed?

Or just one-word insults and condemnations?

Sincerely,

The Petty Princess

Dear Petty Princess,

First off, it needs to be pink.

Now that that’s been handled ensure the entries are as anonymous as possible.

If it falls into the wrong hands, it’s best it cannot be traced back to you.

Remember the golden rule: Vicious and clever is better than vicious and cruel.

Length is irrelevant as long as it gets the point across.

If I find out you’re bullying people, I’m ensorceling your house.

Condoningly(?),

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My sister got into a situationship, but she really liked the guy.

Then he ghosted her for months. He eventually reached out, and she thought they might get back together, but he ghosted her again.

Now she can't get over him.

I don't know how to help!

Sincerely,

Frustrated But Caring Sibling

Dear FBC Sibling,

Unfortunately, your sister may have been thinking with her ovaries instead of her head.

It happens to the best of us.

There isn’t much you can do, but don’t allow her to spiral, especially because she did this to herself (don’t rub it in, but don’t allow her to wallow).

You help by being there. Time is the only thing that helps in the beginning.

Then make sure the bastard stays away. She is not allowed to text him.

A reminder to all: situationships only work if you’re both emotionally unavailable.

Consolingly,

The Crone

Previously…

Greetings, High Crone,

I’ve been having a hard time lately(depression) and am baking.

Do you have any favourite baked goods I should try to make?

Also, you have fantastic hair, how do you do it?!

Thank you,

I hope you have a great day.

Lady Groggnor

… On Dear Crone

Dear Lady Groggnor,

I commend you for keeping yourself active, and what a sweet way to do so.

I am a fiend for chocolate chip banana bread, chocolate babkes, and scones!

I will defer to Daniel for our hair care ritual.

Curly,

The Crone

Dear Lady Groggnor,

Avoid sulfates, phthalates, and silicones in your shampoo/conditioner.

Shampoo 1-2x/week, Co-wash when necessary

Wet hair, wash, scalp scrub, wet brush through hair, apply curl cream and hair oil treatment (I love Chill), brush again, apply mousse do not brush, run through hair and gather curls in section, scrunch to your head.

Easiest to lean to one side, scrunch, repeat on other side, tilt forward, scrunch, and work mousse down strands into scalp.

Toss hair, step outside, sashay.

More of my hair products here!

Curly,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

The depression is doing pretty well but I’m back at Uni now and just got rejected from all the Graduate programs for next year.

I’m scared I won’t get a good job without a better degree (creative writing major, in last months) any advice?

Sincerely,

Lady Groggnor

Dear Lady Groggnor,

Well done on returning to your university. That is an amazing step!

I’m sorry to hear that you were rejected from your graduate programs, though I highly recommend reapplying when you can.

With your creative writing major, there are many jobs now that you can look into!

I looked up in California since that’s where Daniel is from. You can take a cursory glance here! Most of the ones I saw were Bachelor's level!

The critical thing to remember is that you did not fail. You simply didn’t get in on your first try.

Creative writing is a lot like coding knowledge, where a degree certainly helps, but experience in the field is far more tangible.

The main thing is sell yourself, “years of experience” is a suggestion (and frankly a stupid one) and you’re the best person for the job!

Journey before destination.

Love,

The Crone

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