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Edition #7: The Crone Loves The Bean (Workshop)
Are We Starting A CronelyFans?
Daniel Alexander
August 26, 2024 • Estimated Reading Time: 16 minutes
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Bye Bye Summer Sky
Hello Valthakai, pumpkin spice girlies, and people who think PSL should be illegal…
We are on to the next batch of editions here with The Valthakan Times.
Here in Vancouver, summer is but a wistful memory; a week was all it took for the 80° weather to fade to a crisp autumn breeze.
Somewhere, a leaf crunches under an Ugg boot, a scarf is lovingly wrapped around a neck, and a beautifully orange latte is ordered.
Fall is upon us, and thus, white women everywhere reach their zenith (it’s me; I’m the white woman).
Few potions can be handled by those mortal and magical alike, and the glory of pumpkin spice is something everyone can enjoy (unless they hate fun).
In more important news, we are excited to announce our collaboration with The Bean Workshop.
If you need fully licensed, bookish merchandise from your favorite series AND want to support your favorite authors, you can take 10% off your order with the code DANIEL10.
We continue to gain more and more cultists premium signups, furthering the Crone’s goal of establishing a formal religion for tax purposes.
Episode 3 of The Wanderings of the Crone drops Friday: Going Down and Not the Way I Wanted To, and for those who like to plan ahead, our next Deep Dive will focus on the series The Fall of the House of Usher!
After some rigorous data collection, it has come to our attention that many of our beloved followers and subscribers are interested in… let’s call it a CronelyFans (though the Crone is still trying to convince Daniel they’re more interested in his pole routine than hers; understandably, he is skeptical).
Well, not to worry, dear readers, such compelling demands cannot be ignored, and the creation of such a thing is… under consideration.
In the meantime, supporting The Times goes a long way toward getting premium videography setups, just for your consideration.
As always, thank you to those who wrote in for our Dear Crone section.
Happy almost September!
Enjoy your pumpkin spice while it lasts.
Fly my pretties!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
Food, Found Family, and Magic
With The Chronicles of Lim, LM Dodds gives you everything you need
Dead-end job?
Check.
Emotionally unavailable crush with a family who hates me?
Check.
Bright blue bands that restrict the unknown magic flowing beneath my skin?
Check.
Accidentally unleashing my power, possibly killing my boss, and maybe being responsible for reviving a devastating five-hundred year old war between magical and non-magical people?
Check.
The lives of three powerful women cross paths in All the Disappearing Things (now available in Audiobook!), a spicy fantasy romance trilogy. The second in the series, All the Forgotten Things, is out now!
"I really enjoyed this one and I think it’s even better than the first in the series. The magic system is unique and interesting. The FMC is strong, empathetic, and complex. The found family that exists around the FMC is beautiful. This book was a rollercoaster. I couldn’t predict where the story was going next, there were so many twists and turns — I couldn’t put it down and finished it in one day."
"Omg omg omg. I mean it when I say this is the best fantasy series I've ever read. I am breathless. I've just binged the two first novels in the trilogy at every possible moment I could and I'm devastated that I don't already have the third one ready to devour."
"This book was so lovely, I did another double ender as my northern friends call it, staying awake with no sleep to make sure you get all those precious words in one sitting. The delicate system of magic used in this series is touching and deserves more praise, I enjoyed the conflict and warring between factions, and the reuniting that put the precarious situation on a very wonky ledge, waiting for history to repeat itself."
I don’t know what mental health problem I have but it would be cured by sitting front row at an Adele concert
Daniel’s Books of the Month
 by Will Wight Genre: Wow Your Family Sucks, High Fantasy, Progression Fantasy, Found Family | Some series you read once and forget. Others you reread every couple of months. For me, Cradle is the latter, with one of my favorite magic systems and worlds (that you can learn more about in last week’s Deep Dive!) and that keeps me coming back for more. Journey with Lindon as he learns multiple things:
Book 6 of a 12-novel series, Underlord features Lindon as he steps onto his world’s main stage, facing the next stage of his advancement and fighting for a chance to prove himself worthy of the Uncrowned Tournament. Unfortunately for him, Akura Charity is a bit salty over him killing her grand-nephew, and her machinations are… effective. |
 by Cameron Johnson Genre: High Fantasy, Standalone, JESUS Y’all Suck | Life is more fun when you’re evil. But it’s annoying when religious fanatics decide they want to bulldoze their way through your home to spread their faith. So join Black Herran, a demon-binding sorceress, as she regathers her old crew: a pirate queen, a necromancer, an alcoholic demigod, a vampire, and an orc war leader, to prove that somethings you just can’t let slide. A standalone novel, The Maleficent Seven puts the laughter in manslaughter. |
 by Mark Lawrence Genre: High Fantasy, Found Family, Maybe The Real Strength Was This Sword I Found Along the Way | A planet orbits a dying sun, slowly freezing as it relies on ancient technology melting a thin strip of habitable land. Ancient bloodlines lie as the key to humanity’s survival, their mystic abilities cropping up among the local populace. Nona Grey is one such descendant, bought and trained as a warrior by the Convent of Sweet Mercy. But there is more to saving humanity than simple ability and more at play than good intentions. The politics of an empire and the history lost to time interweave in Red Sister, the first of the Book of the Ancestor trilogy. |
The seasons change, and a new power waxes: pumpkin spice
Dear Crone
Life is a spiral. Ask the 3000-year-old witch
Your Magnanimous Croneliness, I am afraid to say this is one for Daniel. I have recently become aware that there is a Cosmere RPG live on Kickstarter. I need to know if you are aware of it and if you will set up a channel for your fans to play? Worldhoppingly, Down to Cosmere Clown Around | Dear Down to Cosmere Clown, This is the first we realize that Daniel could be a host of such a thing. I will let him know when I release this vessel for his weekly allotment of sunlight. Love, The Crone Dear Down, I’m free! I didn’t even realize it’s the kind of thing I can host online! Will be looking into it! Sincerely, Daniel |
Dearest Crone, I am a dancer and have been dancing for quite a long time. I got my pointe shoes at the start of last year, and there is a girl who got hers a few weeks ago and has already passed me in terms of skill despite all of the practice I do. Frustratedly, Yourfavtiredgirliepop | Dear Myfavtiredgirliepop, It is everywhere in life, whether dancing, swimming, or underwater basket weaving. Some people have a natural talent that exceeds hard work… for now. The worst way to participate in anything is to compare yourself to others. Trust me, it’s tough, but at the end of the day, so long as you’re improving, that’s what matters. Keep practicing! Encouragingly, The Crone |
Dear Crone, I am dating a guy who looks straight out of ACOTAR, like RHYSAND LOOKALIKE and I'm pretty embarrassed to tell him that a massive part of my life is my love of reading (specifically romance). Any ideas about how to handle this imposter syndrome? Sincerely, Dating a Man Straight out of Booktok | Dear Dating, How are you an imposter? It sounds like you’re the only one who’s legit. Might I suggest the direct and simple, “Hello sweetie, this is called A Court of Silver Flames. Tonight, we’re doing Chapter 41. I’ll be waiting in the bedroom.” It’s never as embarrassing as you think… also I’ve never known a man to be upset when given instructions. Straight Up, The Crone |
Dear Crone, I have always been a shut-in. I never liked going out unless I needed to. Is it wrong of me not to want to be social? I do not know how much more I can take of this feeling of hatred I get from the people I live with. I need to get out. Sincerely, Katt of the Moon | Dear Katt, There’s never anything inherently wrong with not wanting to do something, but we are programmed to be at least a little bit social. My only concern is that you’re avoiding an issue that needs addressing. It may benefit you to discuss with a professional why you seem to resist socializing. If your issue is with your housemates, there is a root cause that needs to be addressed. It will help to identify if this is friction due to personality differences or lifestyle differences. Ensure you are taking care of yourself; at the very least, you need a support group. Concernedly, The Crone |
Dear Crone, How do I tell my family that I'm marrying the man I told them I stopped dating two years ago? I'm honestly looking for the funniest ways to do this. Sincerely, Elle | Dear Elle, I’m genuinely in awe. The pizzazz. The drama. There are two routes: explosive and slowburn. The slowburn route invites people to your baby shower when the time comes. This could work for any other occasion: birthdays, holidays, hells (worldbuilding) invite them to your anniversary dinner and reveal the occasion during the appetizers. Make it seem like you just bumped into him at the restaurant but have a spare seat. Send them a save the date, but make it seem like literally anything else. Then, walk down the aisle in your dress. The explosive option is dropping the news like a ton of bricks. Send a photo of the ring, his face, and an “I said yes.” Bring him to your next family gathering and gaslight the shit out of them when they’re confused. Photoshop family pictures to have him in all of them. Break their minds. Cackingly, The Crone |
Need Advice?
Daniel you have a breakdown once a week can we reschedule?
Daily News for Curious Minds
“I stopped watching the news, so sick of the bias. Was searching for an alternative that would just tell me WHAT happened, with NO editorializing. I found it. It’s called 1440. It assumes you are smart enough to form your own opinions.”
The Hard Covers
Reconciling Fantasy with Our Reality
Sequels Changing the Narrative Perspective
Most of the time, issues with sequels stem from poorly executed plot devices, deus ex machina-style wrap-ups, or just… shit writing (cough cough HoFaS).
But why complain about the usual issues when I can bitch with the fury of a thousand suns about one of my biggest pet peeves: a sequel that changes the narrative perspective.
We saw this sin before the Crone in the ACOTAR series, specifically A Court of Silver Flames.
The initial series was from Feyre’s perspective, with occasional input from Rhysand, but book five flipped to third-person omniscient.
My issue is that the first book seems to be the main character’s diary, while the sequel was arguably written by G-d.
It’s a strange choice when the book only follows two characters, meaning it could have easily been first person.
The only acceptable iteration of this decision is the shift from Percy Jackson to The Heroes of Olympus, which changes from Percy’s first-person narration to seven different characters.
However, I saw the opposite in the shift from The Demon Cycle to The Nightfall Saga, which means that god got fired and the main character’s son took over narration…
In my opinion, that is worthy of death via coliseum lion.
It’s just a wild shift to put your story through, and it makes strangers of characters that we should already be familiar with.
Instead of hearing their voice, it is now that of this new narrator… and I hate him because he’s a stranger.
Overall, I have a bias towards first-person because how the fuck were you keeping a diary during the invasion of Titiclitara?
Makes far more sense that an omniscient entity was invested in the drama and wanted to tell you about it.
So what do you think?
Preferred Narrative Perspective |
Some Sneaky Links…
Always use protection, dearie…
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