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Welcome to The Valthakan Times
The Library is Calling
Hi {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, pre-orderers, Valthakan on Air listeners, and channel subscribers,
I am proud to announce the completion of The Wanderings of the Crone Volume I, which comprises Arc 1: Journey into the Sapphire Depths, Arc 2: A Priapniorian Vacation, and Arc 3: Hostile Work Environment!
Keep an eye out for a sneak preview at the end of this edition for Arc 3, Episode 11: Three Brews, and don’t miss the other 26 episodes!
Additionally, we have officially completed our Discord Q&A, and proudly present Grilling Daniel with all the questions you were worried he’d never answer.
A huge shoutout to our growing community for the lifeblood they inject into our content.
It is only with your write-ins, viewership, and (gentle) literary critiques that we can do what we do.
Enjoy!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
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Daniel’s Impatient TBR Update
If you haven’t realized how much I love vampires, you haven’t been paying attention.
The Grail was found.
The Grail was lost.
And the Last Silversaint awaits his end at the pleasure of the Empress of Wolves and Men.
The sun did not set on humanity, but it no longer burns their enemies.
And the Faithful dwindle beneath monsters that wear their form and command their dead.
What more could you ask for?
It’s finally here!
After many, many months of waiting, we have officially finished our much-awaited Discord Q&A.
A huge thanks to The Library for their participation.
Dear Crone
An advice column
Dear Crone,
How can I propose exercising together without accidentally calling my friend fat?
She has been vocal about wanting to lose weight, and I want to start strength training, so I think we could body double at the gym, but I know her desire is based on insecurity in addition to wanting to be healthy.
I’m very anti-diet culture, but have never been on the receiving end.
I want to make it clear that I want us both to be more active for its own sake and not for aesthetics.
Please advise!
Built like a 2x4
Dear Built,
I don’t see any particular issue with “you’ve spoken about wanting to lose weight, why don’t we go to the gym together?”
You’re not calling her fat, you’re pointing out her vocalized desires.
At the end of the day, even a desire for aesthetics can be motivation enough to start the journey, and so long as it doesn’t bleed into an unhealthy relationship with food or an obsession with overworking, there isn’t anything wrong with it.
If people are being honest, the health benefits are secondary to most people’s desire to work out— if it didn’t make you look good during sex, there wouldn’t be a fitness industry.
Support each other, and make sure that you guys are balancing your exercises with high-protein meals, while simultaneously recognizing that life is short and you deserve cheesecake.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Hi Crone and Daniel,
I am moving across the world (Australia to England) as an escape from my problems, but there is also a boy involved.
I’m scared that I’m doing all of this for it to go horrendously sideways, and I’ll be sad and stuck.
I’m in a LDR with said boy.
How do I not catastrophically mess this up, where it will put me in the 9th circle of hell?
Please and thank you
Transglobal Boy Problems
Dear TBP,
Long-distance success relies mainly on history.
If you have spent years together, a limited time apart is manageable.
But if it hallmarks the majority of your relationship, I’m not too optimistic.
The main factor here will be an end date to your long-distance.
If there isn’t one in sight, that necessitates extreme planning to ensure you are visiting one another.
Simultaneously, I highly recommend moving forward with this, as I do not believe in saying no to opportunities for a man who hasn’t put a ring on it.
Build up a community wherever you go, and you will not be stuck anywhere.
Meet people, keep an open mind, and communicate with your partner about what you need when the distance becomes overwhelming.
Simply,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
So here it goes: I went on a trip to the EU with my younger sister, who just got married on April 20th (insert joke), and she cheated on her husband.
He stayed back and watched all three of their adoptive children & gave her all the money to go on this extramarital affair trip, and he doesn’t know.
I’ve decided to not tell him.
But my sister is planning on meeting with the other guy in Canada in October.
I feel like I’m the only person seeing how wrong it is.
My whole family knows.
I am in Hell.
Rae of Sunshine
Dear Rae,
First of all, your entire family is going to meet me on Judgement Day.
You know who would also find it abhorrent?
Her husband.
I’m sorry, dearie.
You’ve made the wrong choice.
And if, and when, anyone in your family blames you for “breaking up” your sister’s marriage, you have my permission to point out she was welcome to remain faithful.
Or file for divorce.
If you know how wrong it is, tell the victim of this behavior.
Also, smack your sister.
Genuinely,
The Crone
Dear Wise One,
Very long backstory, but to sum up: I am disabled, and have been supporting two people on a single income for six years now.
The place I live in is crumbling, and I live with people who regularly do things like go to ‘the boat’ and then not pay the water bill.
Even my therapist has said it’s far past time that anyone would have cut and run from this relationship, but none of my family or friends can take me in if I walk out.
What do I do?
Potentially Financially Abused
Dear PFA,
I need you to do some reconnaissance.
Who is responsible for ensuring rent is paid (jointly versus individually)?
Whose name is on the bills?
If everything falls to you, you can coordinate your leaving fairly easily. Communicate with your landlord about your moving out, getting people to assist in moving, and handle it all privately.
Let them worry about their stuff in the apartment. Whether or not they’re in town to do so isn’t your problem.
If you can support three people, you can certainly afford another place, especially if you find other roommates.
It may be difficult to do this incognito, but begin looking around your area for places within your price range.
Check when you can exit your lease and DIP.
These people are taking advantage of you, and you have a responsibility to yourself to get out of that situation.
If it screws them over, all the better.
Honestly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I’m an incoming freshman (class of 25 woo!) I picked out my top choice a while ago and got in!
I was initially over the moon, however, the closer the move-in date gets, the more worried I become.
From whether anyone will like me, to if I made the right choice at all!
(I know I did, but still)
One pervasive fear is that I’ll be bored!
I’m moving to the Midwest, so it is a legit concern of mine!
Any tips or advice for making this worry go away or staying entertained?
Have a lovely day!
Academically-Afeared
Dear Academically,
Congratulations on your commitment.
It is highly likely that you will be bored for the first few months of your college experience.
You will be newly settled into a fresh environment and will be without regular hobbies, friends, or a non-academic schedule.
Thus, you will find yourself with relatively free weekends at the start.
So, if you can, I recommend moving prior to your semester’s start date, if possible.
Go out and explore your college town, see what extracurriculars you would be interested in participating in, and take a cooking class.
Extreme emphasis on that last one.
Sleep more than you study.
Study more than you party.
Party as much as possible.
Emphatically,
The Crone
Need Advice?
Rules for a Wedding (A Different Kind of People Watching)
How to Behave as if You’ve Been Outside Before
Well Valthakai,
This is certainly a derivation of our usual People Watching episodes.
Lately, I have been assisting my friends with their wedding planning, and it has led to many a discussion regarding proper behavior.
So today, I wanted to cover what I thought were basic examples of etiquette when it came to weddings, because I require affirmation that I’m not insane.
It Isn’t About You
If necessary, I suggest you tattoo this shit across your forehead.
I don’t care about your relation to the bride and groom.
They are going to pick what is most convenient for them.
This is regarding seating charts, positions of honor, and budget.
If you have RSVP’d YES, you do not open your mouth about a damn thing until after the wedding.
They don’t want kids?
Great. Show up or don’t. Nobody gives a shit about you organizing child care with eight months’ notice.
You think you should be seated at the head table?
Unless you’re paying for it out of pocket, I don’t want to hear it.
You think you should be marrying him instead?
Object or fuck off.
Nobody gives a shit about your sob story. If you can’t make it, that’s totally okay.
But expecting accolades and special treatment because you showed up to an event you were invited to is… pathetic.
You’re part of a community.
Act like it.
RSVP
This is pretty straightforward.
It’s an event where a couple needs to know how many place settings, chairs, and meals they will need to have ready on hand.
Just fucking let them know if you’re coming, ASAP.
If that’s difficult, inform them that you’re trying to figure out your schedule.
Piece of advice for those wishing to keep it child-free, or prevent certain members from a group from coming:
When you send out the invitation, put a line to the effect of “___ out of 2 coming” or list the invitees by name.
They’ll get the hint.
Or they’ll call you confused, and you can refer them to my first point.
Don’t Embarrass the Bride
I’m mainly talking about speeches here.
But if you wear white, so help me gods, I’m dumping a bottle of Merlot on your head.
It’s the bride’s special day; she feels like a princess, and it’s your job to make her smile and look back fondly on these memories.
Sharing overly personal information can be funny… or awkward… or illegal depending on the context.
You can poke fun at the groom, but I would say that trashy college stories are best reminisced when grandma isn’t present.
NO SMASHING CAKE
Just no.
The dress is fuck-thousand dollars.
The tux is also not cheap.
Her makeup took three hours.
DON’T RUIN IT.
Alright, everyone, what do we think?
Daniel, these are
Preview of Arc 3, Episode 11: Three Brews
The sun was just beginning to rise when I decided we were ready.
Gulvith knocked on Sirce’s door, the demon letting him in with a flick of shadow.
The Lord of the Mesa entered with a nod and a sigh, finding nowhere to sit and deciding to slide down the wall.
“Pleiada is en route back to my home… she’s carrying a message to Tila to prepare for the arrival of the enclavers. The two of them will organize their journey.”
“You will not be joining them?”
“We are sworn to each other, Crone. And I will see it through. Though I’ll admit that I would prefer we actually eliminate this cousin of mine.”
Sirce watched the conversation in silence, still seated on the edge of his bed. Gulvith eyed him up and down,
“Are we sure this one will not betray us?”
I cut in before the two began to argue in earnest,
“The Sin-Eater’s hold over his Pacts is one of emotion, not coercion. Sirce will do nothing that he doesn’t wish to, though he will risk being unmade in his master’s presence.”
“Don’t try to convince me otherwise. I am going, if not for you, then for Lilia.”
It appeared the demon and the erosiate had bonded during my time away, and I thought back to the vapid princess I had assessed her as.
King Aphros had begged me to get her off his planet, but now I only hoped I could save her from Karkinys.
I rose from Sirce’s desk, the key to Desthaniel’s Demesne at my back, and strode to the door.
I shouted for Bemn, and the speaker appeared a moment later, running off at my request to find three glasses.
I thanked him when he returned, asking that we not be disturbed. I arranged the mismatched cups on the desk and summoned the box I had stored my three Brews within.
My cloak was only too happy to spit it out, and I ran a hand along the back of my neck, soothing my familiar as I undid the clasps.
“The hells is that?” Sirce asked. The Ethereality began to warp as I unstopped the first Brew, pouring equal measures of Blessed Harmony into each glass.
“This is how we’re going to survive,” I explained. I figured I was going to need to elaborate, but Gulvith stood and grabbed a cup, downing it in a single gulp.
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