Immortal Universe

Anne Rice

Genres: Urban Fantasy, Horror, Queer Wrongs

Normally, we cover books, but sometimes I like to be a filthy little degenerate, and in between rounds, I watch shows without reading the source material.

Pearl clutches and fans are waiting for you outside the theater.

Anne Rice’s Immortal Universe covers two of her literary works: Interview with the Vampire and The Mayfair Witches.

To summarize the former, gay vampires emotionally traumatize each other from 1800s New Orleans to 1940s France and back again.

They’re sexy, vicious, and so in need of therapy, I felt well-adjusted.

Meanwhile, The Mayfair Witches follows Rowan Mayfair, a brilliant neurosurgeon who has the delightful habit of murdering misogynists with her mind.

Girlbossery aside, this freaks her out a bit, so she begins to hunt down her birth family and the mysterious deaths and magic surrounding her bloodline.

Both shows are available on Prime, and you can get a 30-day free trial here!

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Hungry Minds Publishing

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Dear Crone,

There's this guy I think is cute in my journalism class.

I have had a crush on him since the first day, but I have no clue what to say to him, and the thought of doing so fills me with terror.

Flustered,

Painfully Shy

Dear Shy,

This is the kind of situation that benefits the most from exposure therapy.

Don’t stress yourself with figuring out the perfect way to ask him out; just try getting a sentence out.

“Can I borrow a pen?” is much easier than “Can you lift your shirt so I can lick your abs?”

If his sheer presence makes you uncomfortable, I suggest starting by befriending those in his periphery. The more you can mortalize him, so to speak, the better equipped you will be to chat with him.

His friends will help remove that mysterious, appealing veil and give you some important details.

Honestly, if you chat more to his acquaintances and circle him, it may garner interest!

Or invite him over to work on a project and answer the door naked.

It’ll work.

There’s no wrong first step; just starting is often easier than your mind wants you to believe.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

The bread guy at my local farmers market recognized me after months between visits and properly introduced himself.

He’s charming but also trying to sell me something, so I don’t know if I should go for it and risk having to avoid the market.

Plus, I know nothing about him.

Any advice on testing the waters?

Kneading It,

Risk It or Biscuits

Dear Risk It,

There’s nothing wrong with a hot salesman, especially if the product is good.

I am a firm believer that awkwardness is as much a choice as it is an outcome.

If you want to shoot your shot, by all means, and if he says no, you can still support his business if his bread is tasty!

I would test the waters a bit further.

You can ask him for tips about what pairs best with different loaves or recipes you considered making for a potluck or dinner. Leave trails for him to ask questions.

If he’s curious enough to pry further about your life—especially if he asks if you’re going on a date—that’s a good sign!

Take it slow, keep going back, and don’t be afraid to try learning more about him!

Bakedly,

The Crone

Dearest Crone,

I follow your endeavors so wistfully.

Please would you take time to help?

My family does not approve of the man I am with, and I believe that we are with child, although I have not confirmed this suspicion yet.

What should I do?

Familialy,

Jarethcat

Dear Jarethcat,

Are their concerns in response to your partner’s behavior? And is it potentially valid?

Or are they more related to the lifestyle you and your partner engage in? Even then, is it possible certain aspects of this may endanger you, him, or your potential child?

If the answer is they’re nosy or just don’t like the guy, you’re the adult and have to trust that you can take care of yourself.

But if your entire family is raising concerns, then perhaps there is a grain of merit.

I will leave that up to you.

In either case, if your partner is good to you, he is the first person you should inform once you confirm whether or not you’re pregnant. Frankly, his reaction to the news is a good litmus test for the future.

From there, you can work on informing your family. Just don’t burn down a forest with the gender reveal.

Familial disappointment can be painful to deal with, but how much of your family’s lifestyle do you actually want to emulate?

Romantically,

The Crone

Dear Jarethcat,

As much as I love my family.

I consider their disappointment in certain aspects of my lifestyle a sign that I am making the right decision.

Or at least a decision different enough from theirs that I will discover something new about life.

If that’s a disaster, that’s on me, and I’m willing to take responsibility for it.

If you love him, he’s good for you, and your communication styles are compatible, go live your life.

Love,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

My bf is 1400km away but wants me to move in with him from Canada to the US.

Am I crazy for thinking to move in 8 months?

Haven't met in person yet, but planning.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

I am going to cradle your face gently so you can feel my concern for you when I say:

ABORT. ABORT. HERA, HECATE, AND HESTIA ABORT.

Moving in with a partner is a massive step you cannot take if you’ve never met in person.

Online relationships are absolutely valid, but there is a finite depth that can be achieved without face-to-face interaction.

I do not wish to plant seeds of doubt, but would moving isolate you from your current friends and family?

Would you know anyone in the US besides your boyfriend?

I am not suggesting he is malicious, but even if he’s the most wonderful man on the planet, that is a precarious position to put yourself in.

Meet with him, but don’t feel pressured.

I don’t know your timeline or full details, so if you’re meeting in person because he’ll be in town for the next six months, that is plenty of time to decide.

But if this will be a week or two of adventure before you’re back to a long distance, I truly want to highlight how drastic of a change this will be.

Additionally, if you’re already long-distance, his moving to the US before you wouldn’t be that much of a change, would it?

Cautiously,

The Crone

Hello, my Sister Crone,

I've been married for 32 years to the love of my life.

But our love life has been dead, dead.

He has the little blue pills, and I have the drive, but he won't take them and won't initiate.

Should I just make friends with B.O.B.?

He's rechargeable and always up for a round.

Sassily,

Another Frisky Crone

Dear AFC,

This path has one unique way forward: communication and then doing what’s best for you.

You can sit your partner down and discuss what you’d like from him.

Similarly, you have to be receptive to what he may feel is missing, which would encourage him to initiate.

Afterward, you’re welcome to introduce B.O.B. to your husband; they’re allies, not rivals.

As I’ve said before, seduction and foreplay are not limited to the bedroom.

Figuring out the languages you speak regarding this and sending signals throughout the day can be a great way to build tension before any finale.

Sometimes, momentum is the greatest deterrent, and reminding him why he’d want to take those pills can help kickstart his drive.

Just remember to approach this from a blameless stance. Neither of you are in the wrong, this is just something where you’d like to see some change.

Oscillating,

The Crone

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