Dear Crone,

I have been stuck on the same guy for 6 years, dated him for two, and are currently ex/best friends/ lovers/whatever the hell else.

Why cannot I let go, and am I bat shit crazy?

Sincerely,

Hopeful Romantic

Dear Hopeful,

To let go, you need to take the steps that constitute letting go.

You have been engaged in cyclical behaviors that reaffirm this limbo.

You aren’t bat shit crazy, you’re simply a little too hopeful.

That’s not inherently a bad thing, but after six years, the only way to let go is to actively separate yourself from the relationship.

You need time away from him, which means forcing yourself to not be available.

You can’t let go because you’re still secretly hoping that he’ll turn around one day and propose spending the rest of your lives together, but you’re writing in so that someone can gently tell you that it won’t happen.

Find a social outlet that doesn’t include him, and actively commit to your time apart.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My boyfriend (Québecois) of 12 years won’t propose to me or let me propose to him.

I want to get married but (and I am clearly oversimplifying here) it is not a priority to him. It drives me nuts but he brushes it off.

I know I am the crazy one, but do you have a nice spell…I mean some advice to help a girl out?

Running out of options,

Stephania

Dear Stephania,

It is absolutely, 100% normal to want the next level of commitment, especially after 12 years.

It’s been over a decade, and he’s fine with how things are going, even when you’ve verbalized that you wanted more.

I’ve got a potion for this. It’s arsenic¹. How’s your tango?

The last thing you want is a “shut up ring,” which is, unfortunately, the only one you’ll get from a man like this.

I’m sorry to be this blunt; you have a boyfriend who has been brushing you off for years, and you want him to be your husband?

No.

Obviously, you have more context than I do, so I will suggest couples therapy to explore his refusal to marry more. I would also suggest personal visits to a professional to validate your own feelings about the relationship.

Mixed feelings regarding wanting more and wanting to save the relationship are also normal.

The short of it is you are worthy of being married if you want to be.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Stephania,

For those who are a tad confused, his being a Quebecois is absolutely vital information.

Send him an invoice.

Sassily,

Daniel

Hi, Dearest Daniel and Crone!

I don’t know how much you know about Christian purity culture, but I’m currently deconstructing and trying to move past the shame, anxiety, and fear it left around sex and my body in general.

How would you recommend I get in touch with my inner hoe and get past that initial fear of intimacy with someone?

Chains and Whips,

From No Era to Hoe Era

Dear Era,

I want to caution that going from purity culture to 77 dents in your cherry is likely to leave you with the same shame, anxiety, and fear from the other direction.

It’s a form of psychological whiplash.

Take. It. Slow.

Self-exploration is going to be key.

Remember that most women who have grown up outside purity cultures will have significantly more experience in handling themselves in these situations as well as recognizing when situations (men(derogatory)) are unsafe or uncomfortable.

Surround yourself with girlfriends and people who you can trust to put your best interests first when you’re engaging in casual sex. Because the men certainly won’t be.

Learn to navigate the field before exploring it.

It is far better to learn and enforce your boundaries than construct an idealized hoe experience.

Remember, you reap what you hoe.

Birth control, condoms, and regular testing, dearie.

Please don’t repeat the mistakes of my last hoe phase. Remember Sodom²? My bad.

Hoe-listically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’m a 22-year-old international student in my last semester, living with my uncle and aunt.

They are pressuring me to get married for a green card.

I wanna die a childless spinster.

I have no money, no job, and my family has essentially abandoned me.

Help,

Sad Sally

Dear Sally,

Marrying without love is a fairly intense request and not one I would suggest lightly.

At the same time, would going home be more detrimental to your life goals than a green card marriage? Would it endanger you?

Given that you are an international student, there are other avenues you may be able to pursue to extend your right to stay in your host country.

It also largely depends on who would be providing the green card.

Is this a gay family friend or someone you cannot trust with legal power over you?

There has to be another door to open.

Some jobs could also sponsor your work visa to remain in the country, and it would also serve to support you financially.

If you cannot rely on your family, you must rely on yourself.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dearest Crone,

I approach the Crone Zone in need of your advice.

Dad and I used to argue all the time, then it got better.

He had a stroke, and now his emotions are once again boiling over, and we are back to arguing.

What can I do to be more patient?

Professional Fighter (I Like to Argue)

Dear PF,

This is the time to be the bigger person.

You have to recognize that you are not arguing with your father but rather the side effects of a stroke.

Clearly, you and he made progress in improving your relationship, but it’s likely that this backslide is a result of neurological change, not your father’s desire to fight with you.

The way to develop patience is to practice. You have to physically restrain yourself from arguing, which is a learned skill.

I also recommend speaking to a professional, as your father’s shift in behavior is likely triggering your old responses.

These are not situations that you have to handle alone; a support group or similar can also help you work through this.

Your father’s behavior is not personal, and meeting people going through similar experiences can help affirm that.

Supportively,

The Crone

Dearest Crime,

I am preparing for my judgeship. I have been with my tutor for two years, and she is leaving me in a week.

I will start with a new tutor soon, and my exam is in a few months.

What if I fail?

What If I am not good enough?

I feel like a failure.

Legally,

The Ultimate Cat Lady

Dear UCL,

If you fail, you try again.

If you’re not good enough this time, you get back to studying, and you try again.

It can be scary to go through a switch this close to the finish line, but you have to trust that the progress you’ve made has prepared you to adapt to this new situation.

Be open and upfront with this new tutor. They are coming in fresh and can provide a newer perspective, but you cannot trust that they will be fully knowledgeable about your situation.

This could be a good thing, and I look forward to seeing the write-in from Justice Ultimate Cat Lady.

Criminally,

The Crone

Dearest Crone,

I thought I could handle working full-time & doing college part-time.

I was wrong.

My workplace is severely understaffed and every day is stressful, but I feel like I’m in too deep to quit.

Quitting also would heavily burden my nice coworkers.

I’m struggling in college & don’t know what to prioritize.

Any advice on what to do?

Exhaustedly,

Overworked&Overtired

Dear O&O,

You prioritize yourself.

It is lovely that you are concerned for your coworkers, but luckily, it is management’s job to worry about them.

If you can afford to quit, go and commit to school full-time.

Otherwise, you may want to look into switching to part-time student status.

Either way, you do not need to take on the burden of worrying about your co-workers.

Your workplace will handle the responsibility of hiring and staffing. It is not your concern.

Any job that hires college students will understand that you need to prioritize your education. And if they don’t? Fuck em.

Get edumacated,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Hi, so…there’s a guy…I like him, he likes me.

But it’s kinda a forbidden fruit kinda vibe.

Everyone says it shouldn’t happen. We both don’t know what to do.

What should we do, oh wise Crone?

Cautiously,

Love Sick Reader

Dear LSR,

Is this “Fae prince and mortal woman” forbidden or “55-year-old talking to a 15-year-old” forbidden?

If everyone says it shouldn’t happen, is it possible they have valid concerns?

If you’re the same age, and he isn’t likely to traffic you, I say go for it.

Just don’t abandon your friends and your support group in the process. These people are going to be long-term, no matter what.

Skibidi toilet rizz, dearie,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My bestie is getting married and she asked me to deliver a speech!

We've an old joke that she's a total chatterbox. You have an incredible way with words, and so I beseech your help. Please can you help me finish this line: "She talks more than..."

Thanks!

Metaphorically Struggling

Dear Metaphorically Struggling,

Unfortunately, dearie, I can’t tell if your friend is actually a chatterbox or not.

Either way, some possibilities include:

1. “a narcissist in a mirror.”

2. “her future ex-husband begging to keep the house” (in case you don’t like him).

3. “her mom trying to make this day about herself.”

4. “anyone should have a legal right to. Luckily, it's [husband’s] problem now.”

5. “Granny on her way to say something problematic.”

Consummatingly,

The Crone

Hi Crone!

I've been dealing with a family situation that is beginning to border on harassment (I have been no contact for a couple of months now).

My husband and I are debating whether or not to get law enforcement involved.

Thoughts? (And prayers if you have them),

FamilyDramaLlama

Dear FamilyDramaLlama,

I don’t believe that law enforcement can be involved without first involving a lawyer.

If your family is threatening you, by all means, document every piece of it and take it to a legal office.

Keep any written messages, letters, emails, etc.

Do not engage or respond. Maintain your professionalism and high ground, and if you do seek legal action, allow all communication to pass through your lawyer.

If you need an immediate response, absolutely call law enforcement, but legal channels will help resolve these issues in the long term.

Prayers,

The Crone

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