Welcome to The Valthakan Times
Write-In of the Week
Dearest Crone,
I'm writing to offer a tidbit that may be of aid to you & your vessel.
You see, I'm a cannabis author (Practical Cannabis) and chronic migraine sufferer.
And while everyone is different, the BEST migraine prevention I’ve ever found has been a cannabis topical applied to my face & neck 1-2 times/day.
I hope you feel better soon!
Athena
Dearest Wise and Powerful Athena,
Daniel would shoot a nail through his temple if he thought it would cure his migraines.
Thank you for providing an alternative solution.
Blessings upon ya cranium.
Love,
The Crone
Table of Contents
Eyes on Me, Baby
Dear {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, cosplayers, sewers, and fabric painters…
We’re doing some renovations to our recording space (Daniel is rearranging his apartment), so I hope you have our past seared into your memory. When next we meet, we’ll have a much different camera angle… get your mind out of the gutter.
In the meantime, feel free to check out our latest Dear Crone Extravaganza. We’re going to be honest, we’re gunning for that YouTube monetization status, and every eyeball that watches us rant about relationships is one step closer to that goal.
Have a WONDERFUL Halloween this week, whether you’re trick-or-treating with crotch goblins, bar hopping in as tight an outfit as possible, or curling up by a fire, stay safe, dress your best, and have fun!
Check out Edition #80: The Readers’ Channel! for instructions on joining our free #readers channel in The Library Discord.
Thank you to our watchers and our write-ins this week.
Enjoy!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
PS, your email provider may occasionally be a bitch and chop off the latter half of these editions. Click Read Online so you don’t miss anything!
Doing laundry? Cleaning your apartment? Using the bathroom?
Give us a watch!
Daniel’s TBR Top Ups
Who are you if there is nobody around to remember?
Helena Marino’s memory is shattered, and the Resistance she was a part of lies dead and buried beneath the machinations of guilds and necromancers.
But the new rulers of Paladia are not ones to let her go so easily, fearful that her amnesia hides information about their hated enemy.
And so she is sent to the High Reeve, where the necromancer is poised to uncover her past.
But Helena isn’t one to remain idle while her captors interrogate her, and on the High Reeve’s estate, she has an opportunity to unearth secrets of her own.
It’s only natural that her story would make its way here.
It’s not often that an old witch would awaken on a ship with no memory of how she arrived, but such is the life of the Crone.
With little else to go on besides a hot captain and his desire to find his missing wife, the Crone must descend into the undersea territory known only as the Sapphire Depths.
Stunning lights, bizarre fauna, and the ever-present sting of fae magic.
How is the Crone going to get out of it this time?
I’ve spoken about this series before and realized I never gave it its proper placement in my TBR Top Ups or Books of the Month.
Eternal life lies between the pages of the Book of Abraham the Mage, and the alchemyst Nicholas Flamel has put it to good use alongside his sorceress wife, Perenelle.
Unfortunately, there are other immortals, servants of the Dark Elders, who wish their masters returned to their rightful place as rulers of humanity, and the key lies within the alchemyst’s book.
Naturally, this involves a prophecy, and thus Sophie and Josh Newman, the twins of the moon and the sun, are the 15-year-olds destined to save the world.
Or destroy it.
Did Somebody Say Art???
I wanted to extend a huge thank you to Esther Hi’ilani Candari for her incredible work in Isles of Emberdark and the art pieces she has shared with me.
If you haven’t gotten your own work from the latest Cosmere novel and want your shelves to look like mine, check out her website!
Tug-of-War
An Echo Only
The Spirit Shores
Temporary shelf space during reorganization
Dark Lover Book Club Ch. 21 - 25
Beth’s poor cat has been abandoned for half this damn book
The fangs and the bangs never stop as we continue with our club. To answer your burning questions
Vampires can be Italian (they aren’t bothered by garlic)
They don’t only need blood, but it provides necessary nutrients
Beth has been marked by Wrath; it’s noticeable to other males through her scent
She also learns that Wrath is already mated
Luckily, Marissa learns about Beth and releases Wrath from their mysterious covenant
Butch, our rough-and-tough detective, suffers from the childhood loss of his sister Janie
Mr. X is truly a misogynistic asshole
I honestly forgot she even had a cat
Roast of the Week: Dragons
Everyone wants to save on airfare, but it seems that a few of you had a little more in mind when you spoke about riding the dragon.
You want to be one…
Look, I understand the appeal, I really do. Practically first-class flying, premium lamb or steak if you get peckish mid-trip, free real estate (who’s going to evict a dragon?), and a lovely hoard.
Though knowing your relationship with your mother, it’s not going to be diamonds and pearls, but rather receipts from a decade ago you can’t bring yourself to throw away… or the world’s largest clowder (Google it).
We can make this work, so long as we address your fear of heights. But I have to admit I’m skeptical. Sure, you say you want the power to raid a kingdom, but you also feel guilty picking the rude option in a video game.
You want to expand your gem/receipt/cat hoard but can’t bring yourself to be mean to pixels?
Okay.
You want to bone one…
In their human form, right?
In their human form, right?
Why are you laughing?
Dear lord.
Babes, you were never as flexible as you needed to be for this. You gag when you brush your tongue, but you think lizard shlong (or shmassive) is going to work out?
Do me a favor, just start with the humanoid option before you pull something.
Roastee of the Week: Anti-Hallmark Bitch
Welcome, future roastees! We have a new challenger in the arena! Everyone, meet Anti-Hallmark Bitch, because nothing says “I’m ready for this” like hiding your actual name.
Cowardice aside, let’s get started.
Ms. Bitch has listed not only Jade from Victorious, but Fallon from Dynasty as two of her favorite characters. How she thought she could hide her carnal desire for Elizabeth Gillies to step on her, we don’t know, but everyone is welcome to point and say “sub!”
Don’t worry, though —Anti-Hallmark can take time off from being a doormat to focus on her other favorite hobby: fixing broken men. In her case, the lazily named JJ Maybank of Outer Banks, Nico of Caught Up, and Peter of The Never King.
You want your men begging for you, whereas I’m already begging… for you to consider electroshock therapy.
Don’t worry, we also have Xaden Riorson and Rhys of the Night Court in the mix, in case you like overworking yourself for a man and being lied to.
At least Hallmark broaches the topic of male apologies. Sure, you like enemies-to-lovers, but have you considered finding a man with a redeemable quality besides girth?
I see the vision for your harem, I’m just saying you’re more likely to experience a psychotic break than a wild night. Your bourbon on the rocks is waiting for you, right next to the intervention banner I made on Canva.
I’ve beaten this horse dead, but as an eldest daughter, Anti-Hallmark is used to hearing all the ways she’s wrong.
Thank you, Anti-Hallmark Bitch!
Dear Crone
For all your needs
Dear Crone,
Long story short, in the last few months, I have lost both my spouse of 8 years (together for 12) and my long-term poly partner, essentially sending me back to square 1 in my life.
I've been feeling the need to feel a connection again, though I'm very aware I'm still hurting and attempting to heal.
Yes, I'm in therapy.
How long do you think is the appropriate amount of time to allow for being alone after this before trying to start anew?
Attention Deficit Dad
Dear ADD,
Ask yourself: What are the odds I mention my exes on a date?
If that answer is anything related to “likely”, you probably need a bit more time.
Mourning a relationship is nonlinear, and you’ll have your good days and bad.
You don’t need permission, but if your focus is on what you've lost rather than what is new, you need to reassess.
Honestly,
The Crone
Hello Crone!
I’ve been having some issues within my family, specifically my father.
I’m turning 14 in a couple of months, and I’m going to petition the court to give my mother full custody (it’s currently 50/50), but I’m really nervous as to how my dad will react.
I’d really appreciate any advice on how to deal with this (or just nerves in general).
Trying to take a breath,
Venus
Dear Venus,
Unfortunately, I’m lacking a lot of context, dearie, and as a 14-year-old, I want to caution that friction with your family is normal.
Obviously, I’m not aware of your father’s behavior, but if he wants to maintain a degree of custody with you, I would consider that a green flag barring certain extreme issues.
Fighting with family is par for the course, but if you do continue, you’ll have to be direct.
It’s understandable why your father would be upset, and I would recommend a joint therapy session before something like this.
Cautiously,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I met an amazing guy—sweet, funny, everything I wanted.
But we live on different continents, and since returning home, his communication has faded.
He says he’s working or with family, and he’s not on any social media.
Still, if he wanted to, I think he’d try more.
Now he texts once a day, only replying to my last message before disappearing.
I feel if he wanted to try, he would.
Am I overthinking this, or should I talk it out again?
Holiday Blues
Dear Holiday Blues,
Honestly, dearie, I think you nailed it.
Distance can be a bitch, even for established couples, and while it’s by no means a guaranteed romance killer, I think in this case you’re reading the situation correctly.
He has little interest in maintaining a long-distance situation, and I think your energy would be better spent elsewhere.
Don’t be content with crumbs.
Directly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
No question, no advice.
I just love that both The Crone and Daniel (not sure who's reading this) are both unapologetically yourselves.
No fluff. If you need to swear it happens.
I've got the swearing part, lol.
I'm still working on everything else.
Working on it
Dear Working,
Hells (worldbuilding) yeah!
Everything is a learning process, from stepping into your own to formatting a nice newsletter… or video thumbnail (long story).
The appreciation readers like you give makes it all worth it.
Who needs to allegedly rob the Louvre when we have you?
Love,
The Crone
