Hello Crone,

I need your help.

I find I am accumulating too many book boyfriends, and my real boyfriend is feeling neglected.

How do I balance both my real life and my imaginary book life?

Thank you, your holiness

Depressed, stressed, but always well dressed

Dear Well Dressed,

Take whatever the book boyfriends are doing to their mates and ask your real boyfriend to do it to you.

Costumes recommended.

Script not required.

Directly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

It has recently been pointed out to me that most of my hobbies are girly.

Baking, reading, Taylor Swift, ballet, etc.

I’ve tried joining a local professional group, but that mostly seems to attract men who are married, gay, or both.

I really want to meet a single man who likes women.

How do I go about it?

Any tips on avoiding pics of dead fish?

Should I be lifting weights?

Looking for love

Dear Looking,

I recommend lifting weights solely because a healthy gym routine will keep you energized and feeling good.

Also, a lot of gym-goers are massive nerds trying to look like their favorite fantasy character.

If you want to avoid the fish wielders, do not succumb to the dating apps.

You can look into co-ed sports groups if that’s your speed; ballet would translate well into hockey if you ask me.

If you’re looking for more on the artistic side, metal smithing and glass workshops are another option.

Seriously, though, no apps!

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dearest Crone and Vessel (that’s you Daniel),

American Thanksgiving is coming up, and the Monday after it will mark the two-year anniversary of when my emotionally abusive ex and I broke up.

I’m going to college next year, but I want to start dating.

Do I wait till I arrive, or do I start shopping the market, if you will?

All my love,

Hibiscus queen

Dear Hibiscus Queen,

Congrats on the two-year freedom anniversary.

How open are you to a casual fling right now? As someone whose vessel operates like a library (a lot of options, open to the public, and provides stickers for special events), it’s not inherently the best way to go.

If you can handle window shopping or a sweet treat, by all means. But there is nothing wrong with waiting until you’re in a position and environment where a long-term relationship is more viable.

Go slow.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

So I recently found out that one of my "friends" was saying s*it about me behind my back.

I had talked to this person multiple times bc something felt off.

She would deny it and say that everything was fine.

So now I've cut her out of my life. Is that unreasonable?

I know I'm worth more than her abuse, but did I just make a mistake?

The Other One

Dear One,

I greatly appreciate the censorship and respect for my desire to keep things PG.

That being said, I can confidently say you have made the correct decision cutting that two-faced bitch ass pick-me out of your life.

If one cannot participate in an adult conversation regarding their feelings, then they do not deserve to have you take those feelings seriously.

Don’t worry, they’re getting plenty of validation from the people they’re gossiping with. You’re good.

Audaciously,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I love my older sister to death, but she can be a bit suffocating.

She’s always been the fixer of the family and won’t give me room to make my own mistakes.

How can I gently suggest she back off? (Or go to therapy?)

Sister’s Keeper

Dear Keeper,

You don’t do it gently.

In fact, you blatantly ignore her.

When she tries to stop you from doing something NONFATAL that you want to test, you go “thanks!” and then go do it anyway.

Preemptively, she will rub it in your face if you fuck up, but such is the place of a younger sibling.

You’re not going to be able to convince your sister to see a therapist, but if you decide to go, she may take it as a sign.

Go nuts.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have been no contact with my spawn point for 5 years.

She still contacts me on my oldest son's birthday every year.

This year, she mostly talked about her new jewelry shop.

I've been toying with the idea of opening my own handmade eclectic gift shop, but seeing her doing something similar throws me off a bit.

I don't want to be anything like her, but I want to pursue my passion also.

I just feel lost.

Any advice?

Stressfully,

Don't Want To Be Her

Dear Don’t,

I assure you, you’re not going to open a gift shop and suddenly become like your mother.

It’s an unfortunate coincidence, but merely a coincidence nonetheless.

Focus on what you will need to set up that store—budget, resources, etc.

I always recommend speaking to a professional as well if you aren’t already.

Many people are artistic, even the ones you don’t want to speak to. It is unrelated to who you are.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Re: SpongeBob Party, I went with Mr Krabs, but also opened a PO Box coward, so I can send you a slutty friendship bracelet.

It can’t be harder than being chronically online and maintaining your mental health at the same time.

Se(a)menly,

Bookworm5299

Dear Bookworm5299,

I’ll be honest, I may be missing some context about the party, but it sounds like an amazing time.

Feel free to send slutty friendship bracelets, chocolate, or rent payments to:

Daniel Alexander

PO Box 73571

Vancouver RPO Downtown

British Columbia, CA

V6E 4L9

Thankfully,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I don't actually need advice, I just thought you should know that the free subscribers have access to chat in the Discord channels right now.

Didn't really know a better way to contact y'all.

Free Subscriber Narc

Dear FSN,

I always love an opportunity to self-promote, so thank you!

Free subscribers get access to our #readers channel!

It’s the best place for updates regarding my appearances and Daniel’s content, and it’s a great way to support!

Use the button below, and if you’re having any issues, reach out to Daniel at [email protected]!

Love,

The Crone

Hi Darling,

Update on my friend taking back her abusive husband!

She made her choice, I've made my peace with it.

We haven't talked since.

So, taking your advice to sit this cycle out and focus on me... Speaking of, how does one advance the plot if they've accidentally found themselves in a marriage of convenience with their high school best friend?

She never believes me when I say I love her, but I'm in her dad's phone as daughter-in-law.

Situation condensed for text limit.

Simply,

Queenie Meanie

Dear Queenie Meanie,

Talk about rising action.

I’m glad you’ve stepped away from this old pattern, as tough as it may be, please maintain your boundary.

In terms of convincing someone you love them, you may need to start by asking them out.

If that proves too much for you, I recommend pelting their window with rocks until they open it (stop throwing rocks by this point), and lifting a large boom box over your head to play their favorite song.

I have to ask: are you saying “haha, I love you,” or looking into her piercing, statistically brown orbs and saying “my heart beats to ensure I can feel yours?”

Casual is often contradictory when you’re trying to be direct.

Let us know how that date goes.

Encouragingly,

The Crone