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Welcome to The Valthakan Times
Write-In of the Week
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Dear Crone,
I've been developing a recipe for the Philosopher’s Stone, and lately my studies have shown that, if I succeed, the ritual may curse the mage with some kind of corrupted divinity!
Is this knowledge too cursed for mortal hands?
Amateur Alchemist
Dear AA,
So long as you provide the proper warnings according to the Magical Food and Drug Administration (MFDA), you’re not liable for anything.
Give a heads up, tell them you don’t recommend it, and take payment up front.
Profitably,
The Crone
Table of Contents
It’s a One Bedroom!
Greetings {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, month-to-month renters, hanging shelf lovers, and earth tone enjoyers…
We have a MASSIVE ANNOUNCEMENT: The Crone and Daniel are moving at the end of December!
Naturally, we have to power clean, disinfect, exorcise, and pack up every part of our hou— studio.
During this transition, we appreciate your support more than ever!
In the following few editions, we’ll be including a portal to a small wishlist if you’re so inclined to donate to zhuzhing up our new recording space. If there are specific items you think we should include, feel free to suggest them through the same link below.
Everything is crowdfundable, so even small increments go a long way! Donations are tax-deductible and Crone-approved!
Thank you to everyone who wrote in this week, and to Tessy Fray, our roastee!
Enjoy!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel, almost in motion
The best marketing ideas come from marketers who live it.
That’s what this newsletter delivers.
The Marketing Millennials is a look inside what’s working right now for other marketers. No theory. No fluff. Just real insights and ideas you can actually use—from marketers who’ve been there, done that, and are sharing the playbook.
Every newsletter is written by Daniel Murray, a marketer obsessed with what goes into great marketing. Expect fresh takes, hot topics, and the kind of stuff you’ll want to steal for your next campaign.
Because marketing shouldn’t feel like guesswork. And you shouldn’t have to dig for the good stuff.
Daniel’s Current Read
Guess who completely forgot this was dropping on November 6th?
I’ll give you a hint: it’s the same guy who shouted out loud in a bookstore when he saw it on the shelves this week.
Humanity is failing, and the Empress of Wolves and Men plots to maintain her grip on a dying world.
The other Priori, leaders of the four vampiric clans, have their own machinations as they deal with Empress Margot Chastain.
The Grail of San Michon is lost, but Gabrielle de Leon isn’t known for going down quietly.
With the trilogy finally complete, if you need me, I’ll be reading Empire of the Dawn!
In Case You Missed It
Moving forward, active tiers will get access to our Valthakan on Air YouTube videos a week before they go live to the public!
Video dissemination will go through Patreon or your subscribed email!
In the meantime, every view you give pushes us closer to monetization status!
Roastee of the Week: Tessy Fray
Good afternoon, Tessy Fray!
Let’s see what we’re working with…
Oh, my.
Arsinoe of Three Dark Crowns… I need a cigarette. I’ll be honest, I DNF’d. But perhaps I should give this another chance. Though I’m just saying, if I wanted to watch three equally dull characters do nothing interesting for a dozen chapters, I’d watch The Vampire Diaries. Oh, it looks like you beat me to it.
Damon and Klaus? I know you disclosed your daddy issues to me, but I have no idea why you bothered to write it twice. You have an obsession with the “touch her and die” trope, but I didn’t think you meant it literally.
Oh, these are the exact people I want defending me! Tessy Fray insists, ignoring the string of bad relationships, bodies, and parental problems they both represent.
As the Crone would say, gag.
You have some redeemable interests… presumably, but Ouran High School Host Club isn’t one of them. How are you going to look in my piercing blue orbs and tell me pseudo-escorting is a perfectly fine plot point?
Of course, you do have a fondness for Wanda Maximoff, which I understand entirely, if only because it aligns with the rest of the psychological damages I’m seeing. I get that you like found family, but damn, finding normally implies meeting strangers, not inventing them.
Tessa Gray represents a light at the end of a dark tunnel for you, and I mean that literally, considering she can conjure glowing spheres. I can’t even begin to fathom what sort of relationship your parents modeled for you if you find this kind of dynamic appealing. Nothing says "solid self-esteem” like obsessing over men who actively push you away or think you’re too good for them. You’re supposed to be on fire with passion in a slow burn… not actively harming yourself.
And don’t think I missed the similarities in your names… nerd.
Thank You, Tessy Fray!
CroneCon 2025
For those of you not in The Library Discord, our Valthakai organized the first official CroneCon 2025, gathering in Boston in the name of the witch herself, and even taking a trip out to Salem for a haunted tour.
A massive shoutout to Erecurra, our moderator, alongside Byleaveswelive and ThatDudeRae, for helping to organize this extravaganza, as well as EterniiTea and Feniick for their fantastic artwork!
Strike a pose
She’s coming! Act natural
Friends :D
And Vogue!
Priorities
Oh, that’s Melony! Love her…
Damn, what happened to y’all?
The hivemind is nearly complete
EterniiTea and Feniick absolutely eating
Dear Crone
An Advice Column
Dear Crone,
My husband has been sexting with an AI chatbot, able to customize it, and he is using things like grown-up Gwen from Ben Ten and werewolves.
It's full on sexual, and he even says "I love you" in the role play.
I have everything screenshotted on my phone. How should I tell him I'm done with the marriage using this information?
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
There are very few times when a write-in actually makes my jaw drop.
This is one of those times.
I recommend clearing out your stuff without warning. Organize a U-Haul, friends/movers to assist with the things you own, and bounce while he’s out of the house.
Leave the screenshots and the divorce filing on top of his computer.
Maniacally,
The Crone
Dearest Crone and Daniel,
I start my first therapy session in a little over a month's time, but I'm anxious over that first session.
Where do I begin so they can actually start to help me, without turning it into a long vent session?
Therapuzzled
Dear Therapuzzled,
10/10 name by the way.
I have good news for you: your therapist will let you know where to start.
You can even tell them, “I don’t know where to begin,” and they can help with that, too!
Honestly, I don’t see a problem with a long vent session, as long as you have a specific idea of what you want to address in the long term.
Go with the knowledge that they are there to help you, and you can’t mess that up.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
First off big fan, secondly, how do I recover from burn-out without having to take days off?
For context, I’m a junior in high school, and the thing I’ve been dreading has finally happened.
I’m burned out.
It's a long time coming, every year since 6th grade(covid times), I’m more exhausted, less hungry, more angry, and less caring, now it’s affecting my school life to a low point where I can’t push through.
Ashes and Soot
Dear Ashes and Soot,
Rest days are a part of maintaining momentum.
I understand the fear of falling behind, but it will definitely happen if you keep trucking without breaks.
Give yourself an off day and do something nurturing. Whether that’s a face mask, a walk, or simply sitting down with a book or movie.
Take a break.
The solution to exhaustion is rest.
Point blank.
There isn’t a mythical alternative, but this is way more efficient anyway.
You have earned a break just like you’ve earned anything else.
Gently,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I am in need of some wisdom.
Back in February, I left my toxic workplace and got a new job.
My mental health has improved dramatically since leaving.
I’m still in contact with my work friends from my old job, and they are now receiving the same toxic treatment I did.
I’m feeling guilty for thriving while they are still dealing with a toxic environment.
Any words of wisdom for helping untangle my chaotic thoughts with this would be appreciated.
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
You are not responsible for any of the reasons that they would stay in an environment you left.
If you want, you can share how you made the decision and whatever resources you used to find a new place of employment. But that is entirely up to your discretion.
If they kvetch, hear them out, but don’t guilt yourself over making the correct decision.
They’re entirely capable of doing it as well.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
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