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Welcome to The Valthakan Times
Write-In of the Week
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Dearest Crone,
How do I approach someone I've never met and offer to suck their soul from between their thighs?
Feral Female
Dearest Feral,
Step 1) Assess your surroundings
I’m in a religious setting — abort mission
I’m in a social setting — Proceed to step 2
Step 2) What kind of social setting?
Family reunion — abort mission
The clerb — Proceed to step 3
Step 3) Approach individual, gauge reaction
They seem uninterested — abort mission
They seem interested— proceed to step 4
Step 4) Make them laugh
They snorted — reattempt step 4, organically
They are crying with laughter — proceed to step 5
Step 5) Offer to suck the soul out from between their thighs
They’re not interested — thank them for their time and hit on someone else
They’re interested — I think you know what to do from here
Love,
The Crone
Table of Contents
Dealing With a Book Hangover
Hi {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, ice skaters, home makers, and bread bakers…
As November sighs its last, we turn to face the truly frigid winds of the holiday season.
Luckily, we have a lot to look forward to!
First off, The Valthakan Times has introduced a new quarterly billing option! Upgrade to get 3 months of bonus writing content, early access videos, and community membership for $25!
As you’re reading this, we are 10 days out from Dragonsteel Nexus 2025!
If you missed the memo, be sure to attend our Romance and Ruin panel in Roshar at 8 pm on Friday, Dec 5th! Get ready for the dating show you’ve always wanted.
Furthermore, we’re 5 weeks out from our move, and the support you have shown has been nothing short of breathtaking.
A massive thank you to Leila B for practically screaming her way onto the leaderboard, as well as to our gifters who added recommendations to what I’m calling the Insane Valthakai Only list.
However you show support, it means the world to us, and I’m excited to show you the benefits.
Finally, I wanted to give a massive shoutout to Cornerstone Community College and their UI/UX Design student teams. Thanks to their work, we’re going to be updating our lovely website into something even greater.
Thank you to everyone who wrote in this week.
Enjoy!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
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Daniel’s Current Read
I have officially finished Empire of the Dawn, or rather, it’s finished me, and just in time to get my hands on the sequel to The Will of the Many.
I can’t give too much information away, because, y’know, spoilers, sweetie.
But understand that Vis Telimus has a death wish, desperate as he is to bring down the Hierarchy that conquered his home and dominated the world.
To do that, he must infiltrate the highest echelons of society while remaining true to his ideals… probably.
And what the hell is synchronicity?
Roastee of the Week: Greg
Welcome, Greg, it’s lovely to have you.
I can see you had to make many difficult choices to get here, what with listing the entire cast of Mamma Mia as some of your favorite characters. It always makes things easier when people make their paternal situation abundantly clear.
If Greg’s relationship with men was still too vague, we have Jennifer of Jennifer’s Body, and Shauna and Jeff from Yellowjackets. Nothing says “healthy attachment style” like a Megan Fox-inspired sexual attraction to cannibalism. I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying you should speak to a professional other than us.
We have one redeeming quality here, and that’s a love of Yoda, furthering my belief that need a therapist, you do.
Don’t worry, I’m going to get to What We Do in the Shadows in a moment, but first I need to cover one of our roast form’s standard questions.
When prompted: What do you drink after getting home from a long day?
You responded with: my mom’s basement ):
And I truly cannot fucking fathom what the hell you were going for here, darling.
Do I need to call someone? Do you need to call someone? Or is this just the giveaway that you’re an ancient vampire confused by social cues and modern infrastructure?
Regardless, it haunts me.
We can move on to your book favs, which start with Magnus Bane of the infamous Mortal Instruments et al.
Am I surprised you’re interested in a fashionably dressed, smartass warlock with cat eyes? Honestly, it’s the least shocking thing about you. Closely followed by your affection for Nesta Archeron.
“Oh no, we only have one bed,” Greg whispers, praying she gets slammed through the mattress. At least try to hide the submissiveness; we’re in public.
The fact of the matter is, I’m 90% Greg is Nesta considering she—and I quote—”[Has] several enemies and I’m also getting dicked down so well I can’t talk about it because people wouldn’t believe me. My life is good. I hope my enemies can’t say the same because I’m a hater first and foremost.”
Alright, girl, no need to brag, damn. Clearly, if it was that good, you wouldn’t need this kind of attention from me, that’s all I’m saying.
Thank you, Greg!!!
Pssst. Do you love our work?
To paraphrase Wikipedia:
If everyone reading this gave $1, we could keep operating for 6 months!
And if everyone gave $0.25, we’d be set for life if Daniel dies by Tuesday.
Dear Crone
The best time to have a crisis is yesterday, the second best time is now…
Dear Crone,
I used to be very close with a guy from my program in uni, at the time he was my only friend.
I thought he wanted more, but I was anti-romance.
Still, I started to catch feelings. I moved away for a few years and we lost touch, but now we are back in the same lab.
He has a girlfriend now, and acts like we're still the good friends we used to be.
I try to stay away, but I can't really avoid him, and every time we talk, it is just fun.
How do I get over him?
Lonesomely,
BacteriaGirl
Dear BacteriaGirl,
We love a woman in STEM!
Besides all that, I would normally recommend space from this kind of individual, but such is life that you work together.
Maintain your professionalism, and take your time away where you can.
Consider whether you can handle coworker outings if he will be there, and say no if it’s too complicated.
That being said, this is 100% a time heals all wounds scenario.
Get through the day-to-day, allow yourself to feel the emotion, and you’ll be looking back on this eventually.
Promises,
The Crone
Crone,
I turn 21 in a week (yippee!) and my mother has completely taken over my party.
She chose the guest list, location, and where we’re going for dinner.
She picked a place I have repeatedly voiced my dislike of for the last 6 years, but every time I bring up that I don’t like that place, she INSISTS I’ve always loved it, or brings up that she pays for everything.
“My peso may say so.”
What do I do?
21 and Done
Dear 21,
Happy, HAPPY birthday.
In these scenarios, you do what you want. For birthdays or in general, go out, spend your own dime, and have the night you desired.
This will be difficult, but it’s a very necessary first step in establishing a boundary.
She picks the guest list and location; nothing says you can’t plan something separately and go to that instead.
What’s she going to do?
Call you ungrateful and not plan something for you again.
Fantastic! Problem solved!
If she’s open to it, I would also recommend a group therapy session.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Wisest Crone and most Lovely and Handsome Daniel,
I just wanted to write in and state that your newsletter provides me a brief oasis in a crazy day, working with high schoolers.
I keep my personal email open on a different tab, and occasionally check it.
I have to say, whenever your newsletter comes in, it provides a brief vacation for me during my prep.
I can sit, read, daydream, and have some semblance of peace before mania begins again.
Thank you for the little break and piece of sanity <3
Writing From My Classroom
Dear Writing,
Thank you for handling high schoolers, because gods (worldbuilding) know I’m not capable of it.
We’re so glad we can brighten your day.
If you’re ever allowed to read our responses to your classroom, please let us know how much trouble you get into.
You’re on the front lines, and while I know “potions” aren’t really allowed in class, an AFTERWORK tequila smash is always a blessing.
Love,
The Crone
Drar Crone,
I am stuck in a horrible decision.
I want to pack up my life and go be with someone who has been a rock in my life for years.
But I can’t bring myself to leave my brother or the life I have where I am.
I know there is more trauma in that statement than you probably care to unravel....but I was wondering if there was a way you could help me accept that i deserve something more.
Or maybe I dont and I am being selfish.
Anna Louise
Drar Anna,
You do.
Full stop.
Your brother will be okay, and you will be better positioned to help him if you are in a happy and stable environment.
Go.
Leave.
Speak to a professional, process everything, and remind your brother you love him every step of the way.
Directly,
The Crone
