Hillow Crone!

I'm starting college soon, and I'm scared.

I'm socially anxious, and making new friends is sorta freaking me out.

Also, is it weird that I've not had a crush on a real-life guy in two years?

Academically,

Lady Delulu

Dear Lady Delulu,

Congratulations on the beginning of this new chapter.

A word of good news: nobody is perfectly calm at the thought of finding friends in college.

It’s difficult regardless of how you act in social settings.

I advise that rather than focusing on “making friends” as a goal, you identify specific hobbies or activities you have always wanted to pursue (or currently enjoy doing) and join clubs that promote them.

Trying to meet thousands of people is incredibly overwhelming. Filtering the crowd according to your interests is a great way to cast your first net.

In terms of your other situation, it’s completely standard, especially if you’re about to move.

Trust, your interest in the three dimensional will kick back in when you have more options to choose from.

And if it doesn’t, that’s also fine. Men have a habit of being disappointing.

You not having a crush just means you have standards.

Mathematically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My boyfriend and I have agreed to try long distance (we’re both high school seniors, I’m leaving state he’s not) but have also agreed that it probably won’t work out.

We know who we are yk?

He’s said that if I ever came back to state then maybe we can try again but if I find someone else that’ll be ok.

How do I feel like I’m not leaving him?

Collegiately,

Becky 😁

Dear Becky,

I mean… it sounds like neither of you are committed to this relationship.

That’s not inherently bad, but starting long-distance with a “this won’t work” mindset probably means you’re both okay with it being over.

Even the fact that his stance is “we’ll try again unless you’re taken” means he isn’t as torn up as you’re worried he is.

Give it a shot long distance if you feel like it, but it sounds like you’re both doing it out of obligation.

You’re not leaving him.

If he wanted to make it work, he would try, and if you wanted to make it work, you would try.

The Crone says to go free, unburdened with guilt that stems from not being particularly sad about it.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’m developing feelings for my older brother’s best friend.

I’ve known him since I was 16, but cut contact for a few years(nothing bad).

We’ve been talking daily for a month, and I think I have a crush on him… what do I do?

I think he sees me as a sister, but I’m not sure…

Vic-tori-ously,

Confused Lotus

Dear Confused Lotus,

Keep talking.

Few people put in the effort for a month+ if they just see someone as a relative.

I haven’t spoken to some of my family in centuries (in-laws, but you get the point)!

You could always try hitting on him?

Worst case, he lets you down gently. He’s still your brother’s friend, so be respectful.

I will ask though, is the forbidden fruit aspect the most tantalizing part? Or do you actually like the guy?

Think it over Tori Vega.

BFBily,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How to get a boyfriend when the only thing you have is a book obsession that should be studied for future generations, a dump truck of an ass, and a crippling urge to people please.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

Good news and bad news: the last two things you mentioned are technically a draw for a lot of guys, though you will have to filter out the ones that want to take advantage.

Make sure that if you do venture out into the dating world, it’s with yourself as a priority.

That being said, apps can be… a unique experience, but it is an option.

A fitness class or hobby group is another way to meet people.

Even just developing an outside (gag) routine, such as becoming a regular at a local coffee shop, restaurant, bar, etc. is a great way to expose yourself to people and be seen.

It’s not an exact science, pick your favorite thing to do, and see if you can find a social activity that incorporates it.

Book clubs are always an option!

Literarily,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My friend started dating a nice boy lately and they're already talking about engagement.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years and still can’t take the next steps yet (college/religious differences).

We will get engaged someday, but it's hard to see my friend so happy so soon - I’m not mad at anyone, but so frustrated at the situation.

Wistfully,

Endlessly Waiting

Dear Endlessly Waiting,

I understand why you can feel frustration and joy for someone at the same time.

The best way to navigate these feelings is to ensure that you are openly communicating with your boyfriend.

You recognize why the things you want haven’t happened, but do you have a timeline for when they will?

While patience can be a virtue, having a date to impatiently wait for at least provides structure to your expectations.

Consolingly,

The Crone

Dearest Crone,

I have been accepted into a conditional offer for Uni for a double degree in Arts and Music!!

I’m super excited, but the offer is conditional on an audition in three weeks for the Music course.

I’ve also got a $5000 scholarship hinging on this audition.

How do I stop stressing and have the confidence to perform at my best?

Broadway-ily,

Aspiring Actress

Dear Actress,

Congratulations on receiving this offer. It’s a huge step toward your aspirations!

It’s unlikely you will completely eliminate stress, but compartmentalizing the steps to your audition and where you feel you will need the most practice is the best way to assert control over what is in your hands as you prepare for this process.

The nerves will ebb and flow, but you can reassure yourself with the structure of your own routine.

Breathe, trust yourself, and if you need it, I have a potion that’s illegal on 87 planets but will make you feel like you’re on one of the 32 where it’s acceptable to use it.

Musically,

The Crone

Dear Crone & Daniel,

My dad keeps pressuring & guilting me to travel with him.

He loves it, but I’m a neurodivergent introvert & uncomfortable in new places.

I’ve told him I support his travels but don’t want to go.

I just wish he could accept me for who I truly am, not who he wants me to be like he can with others.

Is there a potion for this?

Introvertedly,

Exasperated Red Panda

Dear ERP,

Truthfully, your father doesn’t have to accept this, but you can stand firm by your boundaries and refuse to travel with him.

Guilt and pressure only work if you let it affect you, as irritating as it may be for someone to try to inflict it on you.

You make it clear that it is not about him but rather about your preferences.

Simultaneously, I would encourage you to consider a middle ground where you can ensure that there are things you like included in any travel plans— things that incorporate the standard comforts or interests you seek out when left to your own devices.

To clarify, you do not need to incorporate this middle ground; “no” is a complete sentence.

But just as your father may need to accept you don’t like traveling, you may also need to accept that this is who he truly is.

Equally,

The Crone

Dear ERP,

As frustrating as it may be and despite all appearances to the contrary, parents are also people.

I figured this out around my sophomore year of college, and to this day, it throws me for a loop.

In all seriousness, your father wanting to travel with you is a sign that he wants your company.

Exasperating as it may be, it’s a positive that he wants to be with you.

If you do stick to your boundaries in regard to traveling, see if you can find a way to spend time with him that isn’t overwhelming for you.

It may require you to step out of your comfort zone, and you can take it slow.

Encouragingly,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

Help! I (38m) am having trouble with a coworker (19m).

He flirts with me, and it makes me uncomfortable.

I’m queer and he’s not.

I’ve talked to him, my boss, with HR, and nothing is being done.

It’s a conservative restaurant, and I don’t think they believe that it’s unwanted.

So… arsenic in the chicken or what?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

What a brilliantly hilarious 100% joke you included in your final sentence¹.

If there are ways to escalate above your boss, you should consider bringing this to them, especially if your boss and HR refuse to handle things.

Besides that, document everything.

Any written communications with your coworker, boss, and HR in which you have outlined that you are uncomfortable or complained about the situation.

Having records can only benefit you.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with an uncaring work environment.

Prioritize your safety, and don’t allow your coworkers or the higher-ups to sweep it under the rug or downplay it.

Finally, while I’m sure you wouldn’t do this, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES reciprocate your coworker’s energy.

Don’t joke, don’t make light, don’t test boundaries. It will ruin your standing when expressing discomfort.

While we are not legal counsel, you may want to look into that as recourse if this continues.

Esquirely,

The Crone

Your magnificent Croneliness,

A guy I made out with in a park (literally just kissed for 30 mins) gave me gonorrhea.

Did everyone know this was a thing that could happen but me?

How do I get over feeling dirty (and not in the good way)?

Clinically,

All I Got Was This Lousy STD

Dear All I Got,

Per our (admittedly brief) medical research, studies regarding the transmission of oropharyngeal gonorrhea through kissing are relatively new.

The CDC and the NIH both have systematic reviews that suggest the risk but admit that transmission rates are still an unknown variable.

Get it treated, and take care of yourself, for starters.

In the future, it’s absolutely acceptable to discuss sexual health history with your partners; regular testing benefits everyone!

Getting over feeling dirty is going to be a matter of time more than anything— be kind to yourself and recognize that this is curable.

Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

Medically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’ve moved cities and chose to get back on a dating app.

I ended up matching with this really great guy.

Only fault: he’s on there with his girlfriend (they’re ethically non-monogamous).

While I am bi, these are uncharted waters for me.

Help,

Confused Sailor

Dear Confused Sailor,

Are they both hot?

Nobody became a famous captain by staying in known seas.

If you want to pursue this, I think it’s acceptable to start with one date.

Go with what’s in front of you and meet him.

If it goes well, you may end up meeting the girlfriend.

Being honest about the newness of this situation is also a great way to ensure boundaries don’t get crossed.

Upfront will never do you wrong.

Sail on!

Nautically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Any writing advice?

I lose plots and have a hard time sticking to outlines.

I have a large amount of imagination but struggle to get words onto the document.

Any thoughts?

Literarily,

KayJae

Dear KayJae,

Some of the best advice I received regarding writing is to zoom in.

You have a large imagination, no doubt endlessly filled with various plot points, final battles, and snarky dialogue.

Start small.

Remember, just because you know everything doesn’t mean a reader has to get it all in one massive info dump.

You can construct your scenes separately, focusing on the revelations, dialogue, and plot twists that you want to drive home in each one.

This can be your first draft, and your second can be about connecting these disparate scenes.

Outlining doesn’t work for everyone; many people are “discoverers,” learning about the story as they write it.

Especially in the case of magic systems, focus on a microcosm that you can slowly feed your reader before expanding. But this can apply to every aspect of your novel.

Of course, if threats to your family’s well-being is good incentive, you can always sign up for NaNoWriMo.

Or, more seriously, create a writing group of friends that can meet and work together.

A portion of it will be about self-discipline. Sometimes you just have to put crappy words on a page before you can put award-winning ones.

Linguistically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How do I get my girlfriend to talk to me?

Over the last year and a half my gf has distanced herself.

When I recently brought it up she promised we'd start spending more time.

Since then, it seems like she's avoiding me more.

Am I being delusional?

Concernedly,

Wavering Patience

Dear Wavering Patience,

I wouldn’t call you delusional so much as hopeful.

It is to your credit that you verbalized what you wanted—a skill that many people lack in relationships, if not in life.

Now that you’ve done this and have not seen a change that you wanted, how patient are you willing to be?

If she’s avoiding you, you have nothing to lose by ending things.

While you certainly have more information than me, that may be what she is going for in an exceptionally immature manner.

She was distant, you communicated, and now she’s even more distant.

It sounds like she has robbed you of solitude without providing companionship.

You can try communicating further, but often, people distance themselves when they’ve finished mourning a relationship, not when they’re trying to save it.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My friend group has a new addition I really like.

We have a lot in common and I’m hoping she sticks around for a while.

The problem comes from the fact that we have a mutual who loves to stir the pot.

I learned this a long time ago so I make sure not to say anything in front of her that I wouldn’t want her guy (and the rest of the group) knowing.

Calculatingly,

No Drama Llama

Dear No Drama Llama,

Why are you hanging out with a llama that loves drama?

You have an acquaintance who causes issues on purpose…. It sounds like a great idea not to invite her to things.

Drama is only that when it is given power; I suggest remaining above it.

DO NOT seek to turn your new friend against this acquaintance, as it would put her in an unfair position. Instead, allow her to figure it out herself.

But overall, if you’re truthful, well-intentioned, and kind, you’re unlikely to give the pot-stirrer ammo.

If something does arise, don’t give it the time of day.

Relaxedly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How do I navigate my bisexuality while also being in a straight relationship with a guy who can tend to moor on the emotionally stunted spectrum( He's not a bad guy save for the aforementioned issue)?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

P.S. Daniel has sex symbol potential

Dear Anon,

First, you will have to define what “navigating” means to you.

If you’re unsure if it’s fair to use the label, it’s important to remember that just because you’re with someone, it doesn’t preclude sexual attraction to the other gender.

If you instead mean having the opportunity to explore your bisexuality, that is a conversation you will need to have with him.

In that case, understand that he is not in the wrong for feeling any kind of way about your desire to experiment (so long as he is respectful), and if he’s uncomfortable with that idea, well, that’s another conversation to be had. And a decision you may have to make.

He may be emotionally stunted, but that doesn’t mean he won’t have very real feelings about what you may want.

To be frank, this is part of that navigation.

You’re bisexual because of who you are attracted to, and that doesn’t turn off just cause you’re with a dude.

Alphabet soupily,

The Crone

Dear Anon,

I’m rethinking the CronelyFans

Magic Mikeily,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I am enjoying being a crone.

However, I am lonely.

Reading a lot of spice and fantasy where everyone is (or at least appears) so young.

I just want to bake cookies for all the MMCs.

Where can I find a middle-aged hero to share my free time with?

Perfectly,

Fellow Crone

Dear Fellow,

From one cobwebbed cave to the other, I want to assure you that any man your age will jump at the opportunity to meet a woman who enjoys smut and bakes cookies.

In terms of finding them, that depends on what you’re comfortable with.

Dating apps and sites can be geared toward specific age groups, many locales offer events for middle-aged attendees, or you can have your friends set you up with someone!

A delicate bit of advice: avoid the ones that don’t talk to their children if applicable.

Filter by relationship with spawn.

And, if you’re in the mood to find book recommendations with female main characters closer to your age, you can find that here.

Maturely,

The Crone

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