Dear Crone,

I will be attending university this fall.

Any tips how to make an academic rival who will eventually be forced to work with me for a project and ends up in love?

Or just any kind of contact with people.

Still suffering from her finals,

Princess Catnip

Dear Princess Catnip,

Congratulations on starting your university career!

If you want an academic rival, you are going to need to pick a cutthroat profession.

Normally the books imply you’ll have to study Ancient Greek Textiles or Roman Dodecahedronic Poetry, I'll be the first to tell you the men in those fields are probably more into queens than princesses if you catch my drift?

STEM studies will typically put you with someone to coordinate on a project to some degree, so maybe you’re helping out a fellow student or getting close to your TA (Cs get degrees, but easy As don’t hurt).

If you’re talking about generic contact with people, I truly can’t stress how beneficial joining a club is.

Pick something you’ve always wanted to try… knitting, gymnastics, rock climbing, and just show up!

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Princess Catnip,

You already knew I was going to say pole dancing, right?

Dizzily,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I’m nearing my 27th birthday and have never been in a long term relationship.

I enjoy my life but can’t help thinking something is wrong with me.

I don’t want someone for the sake of it so I am waiting for love.

I worry it will never happen for me.

Sincerely,

Hopeless Romantic

Dear Romantic,

If you’re enjoying life, you are on the right track.

It is very common for people to pursue relationships out of habit or fear of being alone, but neither of those are healthy foundations for long-term relationships.

It is far better to accept yourself as you are and learn where another person can fit into your lifestyle than to attempt to force a match.

Of course, there is a difference between being open to romance and waiting for it to happen.

If you’re inside all day, it's unlikely your partner will fall from the sky, but these sorts of things tend to happen when you engage with the world.

Join the communities and events that bring you joy, and you will inevitably meet people along the way.

Your concerns are valid, but eventually, you’ll wonder why you ever had them in the first place.

One day at a time,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How do I deal with men only caring about my body?

Sincerely,

Alexis

Dear Alexis,

You have run into standard male programming; it is very normal for men— or anyone, quite frankly— to notice physical features first and foremost in a woman.

A man who doesn’t notice physical characteristics likely has some extreme issues, I’m not joking.

Of course, there is more to a relationship than physical attraction; this is where the tough love aspect comes in.

If men seem only to be interested in your body, you’re likely interacting with men who are exclusively looking for sex in the first place.

This does not mean you need to lower or change your standards, but changing your environment would go a long way in that regard.

It sounds like you would be noticed wherever you go, so trying out less sexual environments could introduce new men into the mix.

Men in a coffee shop have significantly different mindsets than men in a bar.

Either way, see if they’ll buy you drinks.

Body-ody-odily,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

The goblin I am currently dating doesn't like being called handsome.

What are some things that I can call him to show my affection? (He does like it when I call him my goblin. I swear I'm not being mean.)

Sincerely,

Hobbit in a Witch's Hat

Dear Hobbit in a Witch’s Hat,

If he likes being called goblin… why not just call him goblin?

In other circumstances, I would pry into why he resists a label such as handsome, but if something works for your partner, it doesn’t inherently require further investigation.

Would handsome goblin work? You can check.

Sticking with the D&D theme you can probably incorporate other species, etc. as pet names, “lovable orc,” “dreamy wood elf,” "omnipotent manifestation of Ghaunadaur, That Which Lurks,” you know those sorts of things.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Or bite him on the arm, that normally gets the message across.

Dicily,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I constantly want to bang/ride/mount my husband, and do unspeakable things, multiple times a week, but he is happy with twice a month couplings.

What can I do to lure him?

Being so direct is making it a chore for him.

Sincerely,

Husband Jumper

Dear Husband Jumper,

It’s great that you are this into your husband.

From a purely physical standpoint, foreplay is not exclusive to the bedroom.

Getting him riled up throughout the day— touches, comments, maybe evidence of wearing lingerie, etc.— can all be done before you’re even home.

From a psychological standpoint, it may be necessary to talk with your husband concerning his sex drive.

If he’s simply content… that’s great! But if this is a sudden drop, it may be related to hormonal levels, stress, or medication.

A direct discussion is essential, but immediately following up with sex makes it more about you.

At the end of the day, you should both be into it.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How do I breeze past the part of small talk where people ask what I do for work?

I have a weird job, and while I like talking about it, sometimes I’d rather just move on.

Do I lie?

Do I carry around an FAQ?

Advice needed from a fellow Weird Job Haver.

Sincerely,

The Taxidermist

Dear Taxidermist,

I will admit my initial response to you telling me your profession is to ask questions about it.

But if you want to move the conversation along, you are more than welcome to take control of the situation.

For example:

“Oh, what’s the strangest thing you’ve taxidermied?”

“Two ex-Presidents and a rhinoceros; remind me what you do for work again?”

When asked a question you can guide the conversation however you want.

Natural conversational flow won’t stay fixed on one thing, and if you want you can always say you’d prefer not to discuss work… or you signed an NDA?

An FAQ is hilarious but probably not necessary.

Laboringly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’ve been out of uni for a few years, working a 9-5 and it is starting to grate.

My supervisor always said I should do a PhD and recently I’ve been considering it.

Am I just looking for an escape into archives again?

It is unlikely to aid a career.

Academically,

Bored of the Grind

Dear Bored of the Grind,

Would a PhD mean something to you, or would it be a 5-7-year commitment you perform by rote?

If work is starting to grate, you need to assess if it is your work environment, the career itself, or a desire to advance in your career.

Most PhDs end up in industry, which, according to you, wouldn’t be the biggest aid to your career.

I would assess before committing to anything like this.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I'm looking for a place to live this next school year, and let me just say, the housing market better drop or I'm gonna have to.

One of my options is the scene of the murder portion of a murder-suicide.

Should I start beating up landlords?

Sincerely,

Poor But Ready to Fight

Dear Ready to Fight,

I hope to gods (worldbuilding) that, at the very least, there’s a massive discount on that property.

I would argue the murder portion is… better?.. Like… vibes-wise… kinda.

I would absolutely check the Facebook pages in your city as there are often people trying to find roommates.

For legal purposes, I can’t condone any form of violence, but the best legal advice I ever received was, “Don’t get caught.”

So do with that what you will.

Buy rosemary and lavender; if the walls start oozing blood, leave.

Necromantically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My grandmother keeps pestering me to break my no contact rule with my mother. Bc she’s my mom.

And sadly, dementia hasn’t settled in yet, and murder is frowned upon.

How doth one silence the old hag without blood? And a lawyer. I’m poor.

Sincerely,

Aelin #2

Dear Aelin #2,

Just… don’t talk to your mother.

There are some things you just won’t get people to shut up about; it’s a fact of life.

Your grandmother is too old to mince her words; frankly, I’m the same way.

Her saying she wants you to speak with your mother is equivalent to someone telling you the moon landing was fake.

You just gotta accept some people are crazy.

If you’re going for the homicide route, maybe don’t write into an advice column admitting you were mulling it over.

It sounds like you aren’t particularly fond of your grandmother either, which makes me wonder why you’re around her in the first place.

But if you do actually like her, just be aware that it will come up when you’re together.

Also, some of my best friends are hags!

Inclusively,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have a friend, but recently I realized that she's been lying to and gaslighting me.

And whenever I have something to share, she tries to undermine it.

I've tried discussing it with her, but she shuts me down. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Betrayed and Unsupported

Dear BandU,

I commend you for attempting to speak with her about your concerns about your relationship.

Unfortunately, you’ve done what you can.

Ask yourself what you get out of this relationship, is there any part of this situation that benefits you?

I’m not the “burn the bridge and drop the bitch” type but sometimes shifting people to arm’s length is appropriate.

Simultaneously, lying is a massive red flag to me.

Personality conflicts are one thing, but if you can’t trust a word out of her mouth, that means she isn’t a safe person to invest any time in.

Prioritize yourself, if something is harmful to you, you can graciously remove it from your life.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear BandU,

Sometimes, friends are an endless reservoir of emotional complexity, with hidden depths that draw sympathy from you.

Other times, people can just be shallow pricks.

You don’t need to burn the bridge, but you can just not hang out with her. Especially if attempting to discuss things didn’t work.

Honestly,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I’ve ended up in a homoerotic friendship with a person that I’m completely in love with.

We both confessed our feelings.

They did so first but don’t want to be in a relationship for personal reasons.

What do I do?

Help appreciated,

IHateSituationships8

Dear IHateSituationships8,

Your write-in name answers the question.

You’ve gotta move on.

Sure, pining can be poetic and a little sexy when you do it right, but after some time, it just gets exhausting.  

I will be the first to tell you you’re in the right mindset, situationships SUCK.

So, congrats on dodging that bullet.

Just because something was impermanent doesn’t mean it wasn’t real.

I’m excited for when you find someone that’s ready for you.

Love,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I moved to a new city across the country for a job I love.

How do you make new friends as an adult so you have people to go out with and do stuff on the weekends?

Sincerely,

Bored at Home

Dear Bored at Home,

Congratulations on the move!

Friend-making is a process that takes time, so don’t allow those beginning lulls to convince you they’re permanent.

I would start by getting to know your coworkers and seeing if they have recommendations about what to do in the city!

It’s also the time to try something new!

Sports clubs are always a great thing to add to your lifestyle, and I always recommend inviting people to trivia nights as a casual night out!

Burn the house boots down hunty¹!

Sip sip,

The Crone

Dear Bored at Home,

So it turns out the secret to making friends as an adult is doing an activity.

Meeting people at said activity.

And then inviting said people to do a different activity.

Took years off my life.

Love,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I plan to break up with my gf because of how she treats me, my siblings, and my self-decided-fate of fuck-you-I’m-having-kids.

However, her mom got pneumonia, so I don't know how to leave without feeling trapped or adding insult to injury.

Conflicted,

Rayne-ing and Pouring

Dear Rayne-ing and Pouring,

I always recommend the mature approach of ripping the band-aid off.

Be honest, be transparent, and end it in no uncertain terms.

I understand your conflict, but the best time to end a relationship is always 20 minutes ago.

That being said, I will leave the immature approach to Daniel.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Rayne-ing and Pouring,

I have compiled a list of one-liners that, should you survive, will have ended the relationship.

1. “Hey, do you know who else in your life is struggling to breathe? Me when I’m with you.”

2. “I’m jealous of your mother because she’s in the hospital, and I’m here with you.”

If the pathogen is a fungus:

3. “Wow, that’s rare, but given how everything seems to decay when I’m around you, I’m not surprised.”

If the pathogen is a virus:

4. “Hey, you know what else takes advantage of living things for their exclusive benefit? You.”

If the pathogen is bacteria:

5. “Your mother can take antibiotics for her problem, but how do I get rid of you?”

Seriously, bro, just dump her.

Or use one of these and record how it goes down!

Problematically,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

Hi!

I have a friend who hasn’t paid me back from a trip we took almost a year ago.

She says money is tight and she’ll pay me back when she’s working.

She’s in school, but it’s starting to affect how I view her as a friend…thoughts oh wise one??

Financially,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

Money is a very, very volatile substance and one that is more than capable of ending friendships.

It’s important to recognize that your friend’s actions likely aren’t malicious, but that doesn’t mean they don’t affect you.

Given that it has been over a year, I would say this will likely be a write-off.

I don't blame you if you’re upset over this, but it won’t get your money back.

Is there a chance that she’ll pay you back?

Sure.

But that isn’t her priority.

Take this as a life lesson, especially when traveling with friends: people pay their own way.

I’m sorry that this has happened to you; please know you are not the bad guy for reminding someone they owe you money. You’re just unlikely to get it back.

Though you’re also doubly unlikely if you stop being friends with her.

You could speak with her about setting up a payment timeline. Communication is better than letting negative feelings fester.

It’s really all up to you, dearie.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I am concerned about a friend of mine.

She doesn’t go out of the house, no exercise, no self-care, etc.

Me and another friend try to explain how it’s not good for her mental and physical health.

She doesn’t listen.

From,

ConcernedFriend

Dear ConcernedFriend,

You are already doing exactly what you are supposed to.

But it is still important to realize that, ultimately, your friend will do what she wants.

Lectures may not go far, but you can invite her to join you at a park, a gym, or a library.

You are not a licensed therapist, and while I would highly encourage your friend to speak to a professional, you can’t make her do that either.

It’s tough when you feel like you can’t help someone, but you can be there when she decides she wants or needs it.

Gently,

The Crone

Contact Us

[email protected]

Submit Your Questions Here

Promote with The Valthakan Times

Our Website

Resources

Merch

Books, Haircare, and Tech

Start Your Own Newsletter

Connect with Creators on Passionfroot