Dear Crone (and Daniel),

My ex and I split a few months ago, but we're friends and see each other often.

I still like them, but I know they don't feel the same.

I respect that, and want to move on.

Thoughts on the best way to do so?

Hopefully,

Briar

Dear Briar,

I’m sorry to hear about the end of your relationship, especially considering that it seems to not be a mutual decision.

Unfortunately, the best way to move on is time away from them.

Distance from your ex is the surest way to discover and remind you of what else is out there.

It doesn’t need to be active avoidance, merely a commitment to explore without them.

Time heals all wounds but it’s certainly a bitch to wait.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have feelings for a close friend and I think she likes me back.

Problem is, she’s in a toxic relationship and doesn’t want to break up with her girlfriend.

I want to help her but I don’t know how to help her without my feelings getting in the way.

Delulu,

Imlivinginaromancebook

Dear Imliving,

Absolutely not.

You cannot help without your feelings getting in the way because your feelings are driving you to “help” in the first place.

You yourself aren’t sure if she likes you back, you know she doesn’t want to break up with her girlfriend.

This is a recipe for drama and disaster.

At the end of the day, do you want to be someone’s second choice?

Or do you want to be with someone who likes you but needs encouragement to be with you?

Dearie this isn’t a happy ending waiting to happen, it’s a House of the Dragon smackdown.

Abort mission.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My partner and I are long distance and we agreed that he would be the first to visit.

I've offered multiple times to pay for his plane fare but he wants to do it himself.

Our relationship is great otherwise.

Is this a pride thing?

Confused,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

It could very well be a pride thing, but I don’t necessarily think there is anything wrong with that.

If the relationship is great, I don’t see why allowing him to visit on his own terms is an issue.

Fighting against that could very well breed resentment.

If he’s properly budgeting, and arranging to visit the only thing I would suggest is you encourage him.

Financially,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

What do I do if I want to be in a relationship but all of the men I’m surrounded with possess the aptitude and IQ of a dying house fly?

Swattingly,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

I want to commend you on writing in so funnily, you certainly know how to grab someone’s attention.

My initial advice is to change your environment.

If you can travel, you will meet the most romantic cheaters on the planet. You can get wined, dined, and ditched in 12 hours or less!

I would suggest wandering around an auto shop or a Home Depot looking confused until someone who knows how to change a tire or build a deck tries to help you out.

Hobby groups can also bring men with similar interests and capacities into your orbit.

Just remember the 4 Ps! Avoid Physicians, Paramedics, Police, Phirefighters

Cackingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

When it comes to my own love life, I am denser than a concrete-and-steel bunker.

Apparently a friend is/was flirting with me?

I can't tell if he's flirting or if that's just his personality.

Any advice on testing the waters?

Swimmingly,

Confused, Hopeless with Dating

Dear Confused,

Technically, whether or not he’s flirting is less important than if you want him to be.

If that is the case, simply give him the opportunity to make a move.

That could be trying to finagle some alone time in some capacity or “accidentally” sending him your nudes. 

If you want to experiment, try bringing a friend along to a hangout and see if he pays her any attention, or just hits on you.

If you’re gonna be dense, you can always just hit on him instead.

Frankly,

The Crone

Dearest Crone,

How do I become more adventurous in bed when I have crippling anxiety and a partner with ADHD?

Nervously,

A Lady

Dear Lady,

The anxiety is going to be far more of a barrier than the ADHD… as the latter tends to cause fidgeting and oral fixations that translate well to experimenting.

If you’re defining this anxiety as “crippling” you need to discuss with a professional to isolate where these feelings are stemming from.

Is it body image issues, fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, etc?

Experimentation, and all sexual matters, is designed to bring people closer, not make them uncomfortable, and the surest way to dislike “adventure” is to attempt things that you really don’t want to try.

Discussing with your partner to establish interests and boundaries is always a good place to start.

You got this Rihanna!

Chains and whipsily,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Lost both my dogs of 14 and 16.

Can't read anything with an animal being hurt.

Was sobbing on the floor when I thought Abraxos was dying in Kingdom of Ash...

How do I cope with this and how to avoid books with any animal companion?

Mourningly,

Persian

Dear Persian,

To start, I wanted to offer my condolences for the loss of your dogs.

It’s never easy saying goodbye to a longtime companion.

But the truth of it is that you can’t spend the rest of your life avoiding these feelings.

Your dogs spent many years bringing you joy, and trying to hide from the pain of their loss will also mean turning your back on the happiness you shared with them.

It is a condition of pet ownership that you will love them endlessly longer than they will be with you.

I have no doubt they understood the love you had for them, and you can take pride in them knowing this.

Each day will get easier little by little, though you will never forget them.

Remember, they spent so long making you happy, and they wouldn’t want you to be sad forever.

In the meantime, you can miss them and mourn them.

This too shall pass.

Love,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’ve recently reconnected with an old friend and have realized I have feelings for him.

He’s flirting but not making a move, and between anxiety and trauma I’m too scared to make a move without a clear sign that he’s interested.

How do I handle this?

Anxiously,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

If you’re already experiencing an upwelling of anxious and traumatic feelings, are you ready to be in a relationship?

I believe that is the first question you have to ask yourself.

If the answer is yes, it comes down to what you are willing to accept as a clear sign.

Barring him asking you out you’re far more likely to rationalize away any signals out of fear of misinterpretation.

Remember he could be doing the same thing, leading to a lot of flirting without commitment from either party.

One of you needs to take the step.

Either you need to be content to wait OR you can say “fuck it” and ask him out, so long as you are accepting of the consequences.

A good rule of thumb is that if he’s showing up, the interest is there.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Tips for pivoting away from a career path that is miserable and to something more creative/rewarding?

Clackingly,

Friendly Neighborhood Goblin

Dear FNG,

The trick for this sort of thing is to have a plan and a backup.

You wanting to pursue a creative path is wonderful, but you need to outline and budget what steps you’d need to achieve to make sure you can successfully pursue this.

Additionally, be cautious about burning bridges in your current employment niche, the last thing you want is to close a door behind you that you may need opened again.

I would recommend looking adjacent to your current career path; it may prove that a job switch gives you the time to monetize a more creative outlet, with the added bonus of making you less miserable.

You will not regret taking it slow.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear FNG,

The breakdown that led me to my own career switch was essentially:

1. The recognition that a Master’s program wouldn’t drastically increase my salary in my field

2. The realization that this wasn’t an industry I wanted to continue to work in

3. An established secondary income from content creation that could serve as a base to develop. I was not starting from scratch!

4. Backups in the form of retail and laboratory experience

It wasn’t a quick decision, but rather 5+ years in the making.

I would budget according to your monthly expenses and calculate how much you may need to sell/earn from your potentially creative career to see how soon it may be feasible.

Remember there is nothing stopping you from beginning a creative side project that you can monetize later.

Sincerely,

Daniel

Dearest Crone,

I fell for my best friend and we had an honest talk.

He is the only man I can see myself with, but he is seeing someone else.

We still hang out, chat, he pays for me, and hug a lot.

We've kissed, but IDK if he's into me.

Screaming Inside,

Might Be Bisexual

Dear MBB,

I’m going to settle you down nicely with a blanket and your preferred drink so I can delicately, lovingly, slap you upside the head.

If he is unavailable, you are wasting your time.  

I doubt that the kiss was during his current relationship but just in case, anyone willing to be unfaithful WITH YOU is someone willing to be unfaithful TO YOU.

You need space from him, let him go be with his partner.

It’s not healthy for you to pine for someone who may very well just be expecting friendship from you.

Don't be the person waiting for a relationship to fail.

He’s the only man you can see yourself with because he’s the only man you’re seeing.

So go out and see someone else.

Truthfully,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How do I survive Daniel's: Big Nose he can probably use + pronunciation clarity + handtalking combo? Those are very transferrable skills.

Add humor, media literacy, and emotional unavailability?

He's such bisexual catnip it borders on a hate crime.

Gnawing at the bars of my enclosure,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Your anonymity is a crime in the face of your way with words.

I don’t even have much in the way of a response I just need other people to see this.

Mazel tov for leaving me speechless.

Impressed & Concerned,

The Crone

Dear Anon,

…Wait a sec “he can probably use”???

Spellbound,

Daniel

Dear Crone & Daniel,

I don't have a problem today.

I just wanted to tell you that I submitted my bachelor thesis today and that I'm so incredibly relieved that I've done it!

Proud and grateful,

Psychology Student on The Brink of a Meltdown

Dear Psychology,

Looks like we’re going to have to start calling you Psychology GRADUATE on the Brink of a Meltdown.

Congratulations!

You’ve earned a celebration, just making sure birth control ends up in the mix somewhere.

Love,

The Crone

Dear Psychology Graduate,

Truly the sensation is akin to heroin… or cancelling plans last minute.

Beyond happy for you 🎊.

Here’s to your future!

Cheers,

Daniel

Dear Lovely Crone,

I recently had to have emergency surgery and the new stomach scars are totally killing the mood for hot girl summer (and my nonexistent dating life).

Suggestions?

Appendix-lessly,

Brutus

Dear Lovely Brutus,

I’m going to be honest girly scars are hot.

A true warrior will see you fighting against the betrayal of your own organ and recognize that your bloodline is strong.

They will fade with time, but until then they’re a conversation starter.

Go tan babes, and wear sunscreen!

Medically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My brain knows I can't fix him, but my vagina wants to try anyway.

Help, can’t afford therapy.

With increasing concern,

Very Anxious Donut

Dear VAD,

Does your vagina need to fix him to get what you want?

I mean its not often that the definition of insanity makes you orgasm.

If you can step away when you have to, arguably sampling isn’t the worst thing.

Unlicensedly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Just wanted to say thank you for the advice!! :)

I definitely plan to try all of those!

I’m also making an effort to spend more time with friends and I am finally getting serious about my writing career!

Thanks again for the encouragement!! :)

Love,

Bored as Hell

Dear Bored as Hell,

It’s wonderful to hear you connecting with your friends and focusing on your writing.

As bit of an adage for the former, “a bad first draft is infinitely better than an unwritten one.”

Know my encouragement is continuous, it’s lovely to have you write in again.

Best of luck with this stage of your journey.

Love,

The Crone