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Edition #5.5: The Times Gets a Facelift
Economic Advancement and All the Food I'm Going to Buy With It
Daniel Alexander
July 15, 2024 • Estimated Reading Time: 14 minutes
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Looking For Your Next Adventure?
Allow The Chronicles of Lim by LM Dodds to sweep you away
Dead-end job?
Check.
Emotionally unavailable crush with a family who hates me?
Check.
Bright blue bands that restrict the unknown magic flowing beneath my skin?
Check.
Accidentally unleashing my power, possibly killing my boss, and maybe being responsible for reviving a devastating five-hundred year old war between magical and non-magical people?
Check.
The lives of three powerful women cross paths in All the Disappearing Things (now available in Audiobook!), a spicy fantasy romance trilogy. The second in the series, All the Forgotten Things is out now!
"I really enjoyed this one and I think it’s even better than the first in the series. The magic system is unique and interesting. The FMC is strong, empathetic, and complex. The found family that exists around the FMC is beautiful. This book was a rollercoaster. I couldn’t predict where the story was going next, there were so many twists and turns — I couldn’t put it down and finished it in one day."
"Omg omg omg. I mean it when I say this is the best fantasy series I've ever read. I am breathless. I've just binged the two first novels in the trilogy at every possible moment I could and I'm devastated that I don't already have the third one ready to devour."
"This book was so lovely, I did another double ender as my northern friends call it, staying awake with no sleep to make sure you get all those precious words in one sitting. The delicate system of magic used in this series is touching and deserves more praise, I enjoyed the conflict and warring between factions, and the reuniting that put the precarious situation on a very wonky ledge, waiting for history to repeat itself."
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Hello Valthakai, Greens, Reds, and those who don’t watch House of the Dragon…
Allow me to be the first to draw attention to our new and still-improving look.
Bask in the glory of our new logos (a matching one has been added to the Valthakan Wares merchandise store), as well as our custom content breaks!
I wanted to take the time to thank and massively accolade GlassLotuses, who was such a pleasure to work with in designing both the merchandise you know and love, as well as the logos you see here.
I highly, highly, HIGHLY recommend you check out her work on Tiktok and see for yourself about getting work commissioned!
This is my final day after three weeks in Los Angeles, and I cannot believe how much I did and didn’t get done.
I had the insane experience of drinking with my younger cousins, who last I checked were about 11 but are now, in fact, 22… the horror.
Before you accuse me of being a bad influence please know that they are WAY cooler than me and drank me under the table.
We’ve also opened an Amazon storefront so you can check out the books the Crone threatens suggests you read. We also have Daniel’s hair care products as well!.. And the pole he uses.
Blah blah affiliate links and commission at no cost to you and all that.
Basically assume anything you’re clicking helps to pay for therapy, thank you, thank you, trust me it’s for the best.
We also have a new business email located within our Contact Us resource, so someone make sure Beyonce knows how to reach us.
To everyone who participated in Pokemon Go Fest this weekend, I sincerely hope you caught everything you wanted and they were all 4 star shinnies.
Blessings upon those who invited me to raids, and to the guy who traded me a Heracross.
If you haven’t yet check out our referral program.
You can take 15% off at Valthakan Wares for getting a single cult member sign up!
All our love and a bit of our insanity,
The Crone and Daniel
Daniel’s Current Read
 By Peter V. Brett Genres: High Fantasy, Dark Fantasy, Wow Your Family Sucks, Oh Your Friends Do Too | Oftentimes one of the few things that makes me feel like a person again is picking up old series, and flashing back to when I first started them. I was in Washington, DC on a trip with my 8th grade class when I first touched The Warded Man, and it was only a few weeks later until I picked up the sequel you see here. As a disclosure, this book is absolutely not appropriate for middle schoolers. It’s sex, violence, and religious fanaticism with a side of demon killing. Also you know that asshole that started conquering the world?… Unfortunately he’s hot… even more unfortunately his 14 wives think so too. But that probably won’t stop you. Part of a completed 5 book series, The Desert Spear is the second book in The Demon Cycle. |
Dear Crone
For all your needs
Dear Crone, I need help. I'm desperately head over heels for this one guy, but he never seems to notice me. Even when I start up a conversation he will reply but not follow up. WHAT CAN I DO?!! Sincerely, Hopelessly Unnoticeable | Dear Hopelessly, Unfortunately, the sign there is fairly straight forward. He’s just not that into you. Luckily this means that you can now try to focus on someone else. More than likely, once you stop being so readily available, he will start to wonder what changed and try to chase you. But that’s only if you’re in the mood for psychological warfare, like I always am. Tactically, The Crone |
Dear Crone, What can I do all summer that isn’t reading, drawing, playing on any technological device , going outside, or talking to any person? Seriously, Anonymous | Dear Anon, Might I suggest you generate a hard layer underneath your dermis, spin a bit of silk, attach yourself to a branch, and shed your skin to form a chrysalis? You’ve listed a ton of wonderful hobbies, are they no longer appealing to you? I fear that avoiding going outside is an excellent recipe to send yourself into a depression. You may wish to speak to a professional over why neither indoor nor outdoor activities interest you. At the very least take some Vitamin D pills. Concernedly, The Crone |
Dearest Crone, Part 1: I bring you an update. 1. Confronted girl, she says she doesn't like him. 2. Distanced myself from girl, happiness increased. 3. Asked boy out but was politely told no and now we continue on in mutual Cosmere nerd-dom. Victoriously, The Defeated One | Dear Victorious One, I am demanding you change your name because you ARE succeeding. You confronted a problem, resolved it, put yourself out there, and while you didn’t receive the answer you wanted, you now have closure! That is fantastic. Truly, I commend you. Bask in your victory! And see if you can get him to buy you the Words of Radiance leatherbounds. Hoorah, The Crone |
Dear Crone, Would you happen to have any tips for sleeping well at night when many things are bothering you? I ask you because I imagine sleeping after committing tax evasion would be difficult, yet you appear well rested. Sincerely, A girl with a fucked up sleep routine | Dear Girl, You are preaching to the choir. First is avoiding your phone/computer up to an hour before you wish to sleep. Second of all, I shit you not, is magnesium pills. Seriously, I may shit you not, but I have almost shit myself. They’re a muscle relaxant and you’re going to have to RUN when you wake up in the morning, but I think it’s worth it. Reading before bed also helps. Sleepily, The Crone |
Dearest Crone, I was laid off from my job a few months ago and I’m losing my mind ruminating at home in between applying to jobs! What are your favorite ways to ground yourself and stay encouraged in a time of uncertainty? Sincerely, Not the Laid I Wanted to Get Off With | Dear Laid, I’m sorry you’re in such a tough position, but you will be out of it soon so long as you keep applying. Well done on keeping that motivation. The biggest factors for grounding are stepping away from social media— the irony of which is not lost on me— and building small rituals that I can easily enjoy when I need a moment. Making tea, baking cookies, reading, or tidying up all help to give you a small task that you can feel good about accomplishing. Uncertainty is a bitch but once it’s past you’ll wonder why you were ever worried in the first place. Encouragingly, The Crone |
Need Advice?
The Greek Gods and Why It Would Suck To Hang Out With Them
Welcome to a special inclusion to this edition of The Valthakan Times.
Per my last video, I briefly covered the perils of living in a Greek retelling story.
In that post, I promised a list of the gods and why hanging out with them would be terrible, so what do you think?
Obviously this isn’t all of them but give me a break.
God | Reason |
|---|---|
Zeus | Self explanatory |
Hera | Will smite you when Zeus inevitably takes notice of you |
Poseidon | Poses with the fish he catches |
Hades | Doesn’t want to hang out with you because you aren’t his wife |
Aphrodite | Only calls when she wants to gossip |
Ares | Great fitness buddy, not much in common besides |
Athena | Exclusively wants to do activities she’s interested in |
Hestia | THE ONLY SAFE OPTION |
Dionysus | You absolutely couldn’t keep up |
Artemis | You only glamp wtf are you thinking |
Apollo | Fair weather friend, don’t hang out with him while he’s moody |
Hermes | Will absolutely swipe shit from your apartment |
Demeter | Overbearing mother, you don’t need another one |
Priapus | Makes you feel insecure and/or fatally curious |
Hecate | Only messages “you up?” past 3am |
Pan | Doesn’t shower |
Nike | Copyright issues |
The Soft Covers
Because Sometimes Fantasy is Nice
Unfailingly Polite But Terrifying
Continuing on with our study of beloved tropes, this is one that I rarely see; something I desperately want rectified.
Oftentimes, over the course of a character arc, you see a polite individual constantly pushed aside.
This jades them to society when they realize that the world hops to their command once they have claimed enough power.
It’s enough to make any open-minded, well-meaning protagonist pissed at the clan/pack/court/magocracy for the way it worships power.
Except when they decide to accept the world for the way it is.
Then you get god-like power wrapped up in an individual that refuses to raise his voice, or harm someone weaker than him.
Someone who is intensely apologetic for having to crack heads or kingdoms together to get what he wants.
It’s such an incredible experience watching these types in the lull scenes between major battles, when people act like the Devil herself is breathing down their neck and its just some dude.
Sure he could blow up the planet, but there’s an old lady that made him lunch one time before he was important, so why would he do something like that?
It speaks to an ideal aspect within the morality of the character. You want to watch them grow as you continue to read their story, but you don’t want them to become fundamentally different to who they were.
Imagine if Feyre started acting like Amarantha… actually that’s not a terrible character arc idea but you see my point.
Imagine if Kaladin became just like Roshone.
There that makes more sense.
I believe it speaks to the inner child of the reader, as you see someone who grew up but continued to be safe for the person they were.
It’s something beautiful really, and I think there is more than a little bit of a message we can take from it.
For a perfect example of Unfailingly Polite but Terrifying, aka Looks Like a Cinnamon Roll But Could Kill You may I suggest Will Wight’s Cradle series, starting with Unsouled.
So Would You Go Mad With Power? |
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