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- Edition #5: Los Angeles at Last
Edition #5: Los Angeles at Last
Why Is the Crone Flying Economy
Daniel Alexander
July 01, 2024 • Estimated Reading Time: 11 minutes
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Table of Contents
For When You Need Something Stronger Than a Potion…
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Avocado Toast and Superiority Complexes
Hello Valthakai, Disneybounders, and people chasing that bag…
Happy Canada Day!
To those of you that don’t know to what I’m referring, it’s annual America’s Hat Day! If you’re still confused, I’m going to let you sit with it because the joke is not that complex.
In three days time we celebrate a proper overthrow of British rule but for now, I’ll let the motherpuckers celebrate, I would have had more respect if the Oilers had managed to nut up but alas… here we are.
For those who are visiting Los Angeles for the first time, I highly recommend the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures, and if possible, to bring a friend with seemingly unlimited film knowledge like I did.
Additionally, if your bloodline is worthy of procreation, you may be interested in going to the butterfly pavilion at the Los Angeles Natural History Museum. If technicolor insects harmlessly flapping about you fills you with genuine terror… prepare for a long winter weirdos.
I went to Disneyland, where I received genuine assurance that our version of “It’s a Small World” is in fact, better than its Orlando counterpart.
Lastly, I had an amazing time of Vidcon, meeting many of your favorite creators who had the audacity to be attractive, tall, and kind.
Truly what fucking assholes.
I signed my first autograph, which was an absolutely wild experience, seeing as this is all me playing pretend and the fancy box I occasionally post myself onto is simply a hallucination of an unwell mind… or so I thought.
Happy July y’all, if you start putting out Halloween decorations consider yourself a target ❤️.
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
Just keep it in your pants and be better than 99% of them!
Daniel’s Books of the Month
 Genres: High Fantasy, Man Your Family Sucks, Ugh What NOW?! Title: The Warded Man Author: Peter V. Brett | Part of a childhood series that I was definitely too young to read in 8th grade, join me in the land of Thesa. It sucks. Demons rise each night, hunting the remnants of humanity that cower behind wards of protection. Their only anathema is the sun, and the combat magic that was lost to time. Until tales of a man covered in these wards of old begin to circulate far and wide. Do you wait for your Messiah? Or do you go out and stake your claim against the night? Part of a 5 book series, The Warded Man, is the first of The Demon Cycle series. |
 Genres: High Fantasy, Almost-an-Isekai, You Wish That Was You Huh? Title: Beyonders: A World Without Heroes Author: Brandon Mull | Keeping with the theme of childhood novels, consider this work by the author of Croneically acclaimed Fablehaven. Life is normal until you get attacked by a hippo. Rather than ending up a statistic, Jason Walker finds himself in a world that needs his help. The land of Lyrian is in the grip of a wizard-emperor, a master of Edomic. But surely Jason, and fellow thirteen-year-old Rachel can figure out how to end his reign. All it’s going to take is an adventure and magical prowess. What could go wrong? A completed trilogy, The Beyonders series is a perfect read for YA lovers of fantasy. |
It’s sectumsempra? I’ve been saying circum— oh my god
Dear Crone
An advice column
Dear Crone, I don’t have much family but should I cut ties with the ones that upset me and don’t understand or invalidate my feelings, even if they’ve been there for me before but aren’t right now? Kind Regards, Anonymous | Dear Anonymous, Given that they have been there for you before, it’s entirely possible that this could be a communication issue. Being upset by your family is frankly the most common sign that you’re a part of one. Given that you’re in the position to cut ties with them, you can absolve yourself of the responsibility of making them understand. Whether or not they validate your feelings doesn’t have any effect on you feeling them. It’s possible that you can ask for what you need rather than asking them to understand why you need it. I always suggest changing the way you are communicating before any drastic measures, such as low or no contact. Take it slow. Honestly, The Crone |
Dear Crone, So what do you think of the Jacob's Ladder? Freakily, The Discord | Dear Discord, I think biblical stories are most often dismissed as childlike when in reality, all stories carry a metaphor on the human condition. That being said I believe the ladder you’re referring to isn’t the one that rises to heaven but prevents you from entering it. I am unsure what to say other than “seek the Lord”. Half-jokingly, The Crone Dear Discord, It’s one of those things that brings the irrational fear of it happening to you. Stay away from snake bites too. Hunched over, Daniel |
Greetings High Crone, I’ve been a hard time lately(depression) and am baking. Do you have any favourite baked goods I should try to make? Also you have fantastic hair, how do you do it?! Thank you, I hope you have a great day. Lady Groggnor | Dear Lady Groggnor, I commend you for keeping yourself active, and what a sweet way to do so. I am a fiend for chocolate chip banana bread, chocolate babkes, and scones! I will defer to Daniel for our hair care ritual. Curly, The Crone Dear Lady Groggnor, Avoid sulphates, phthalates, and silicones in your shampoo/conditioner. Shampoo 1-2x/week, Co-wash when necessary Wet hair, wash, scalp scrub, wet brush through hair, apply curl cream and hair oil treatment (I love Chill), brush again, apply mousse do not brush, run through hair and gather curls in section, scrunch to your head. Easiest to lean to one side, scrunch, repeat on other side, tilt forward, scrunch, and work mousse down strands into scalp. Toss hair, step outside, sashay. Curly, Daniel |
Dear Crone, My sister is going through a hard time and is currently states away from me. She tends to feel overbeared when we all try to be there for her at once. How can I support her from far away while others are also supporting without overbearing her? Sincerely, OverbearingNotSoOverbearing | Dear Overbearing, You have to ask how she wants to receive support. You cannot help someone in a way that you think they should accept help. Instead, it has to be in a language that they understand. People can only accept help if they want it in the first place. Giving her breathing space will make her more receptive in the future. Encouragingly, The Crone |
Hello Crone, Firstly how are you doing? Secondly is Daniel single? Love, Anonymous | Dear Anon, The most important potion in this image-obsessed land is sunscreen. I may be 3,000 years old but I refuse to look like it. I plan on coming out of this looking like caramel and not a member of Jersey Shore. Overall I’m lovely. Happily, The Crone Dear Anon, Single, want a Pringle. Before you meet my family you’re signing a waiver for your sake, and an NDA for mine. Game on, Daniel |
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Stand in front of the car so I hit you and not the Mercedes
The Hard Covers
Reconciling Fantasy with Our Reality
The Whiny Offspring Trope
Many many many different stories continue with the next generation.
In the rare instances where the pregnancy trope doesn’t cause me to DNF, I have discovered something that enrages me even more: the offspring being a complete punk ass bitch.
It is perfectly normal for a child to struggle against the image of their parents, especially when one or both of them may be hailed as the Messiah, or a High Lord, or simply incredibly powerful.
I don’t need to read something that close to home, especially when other members of this offspring’s generation seem to have their shit together.
Somehow they’re unique in the way they’ve internalized their struggle, and so many issues would not arise if they hadn’t been so self-defeating. It’s one thing to read someone struggle against negative impulses, it’s another to read a plot that is almost entirely contingent upon the character being fucking useless.
This is further compounded when the offspring does actually have the capabilities of their parent, they simply don’t believe in themself.
For the love of god do you understand how many problems I wouldn’t have if I had wings or could conjure lightning?
I’m not saying I wouldn’t have different ones but that’s a game of Mental Health Russian Roulette I’m willing to take a chance on.
All of this is forgivable if it weren’t for said offspring being one of the main perspectives in their novel. For those of you wanting to check out interesting series that I have this personal issue with, I suggest Lightbringer, and The Nightfall Saga.
Dad can fly and I can teleport but because I’m thirteen I’m obviously incapable of having a positive thought.
If I wanted to deal with that nonsense I’d read my childhood diary.
What do you think?
How do we feel about fantasy kids being kids? |
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