Dear Crone (and Daniel),

I’m happily married since two years to my high school sweetheart, we’ve been together for 12 years.

Last year, however, I developed a huge crush on a friend.

I’ve ignored it best I can, but it hasn’t gone away.

It stresses me, if I truly loved my husband I shouldn’t have feelings for someone else, right?

What to do?

Confused Hobbit

Dear Hobbit,

Most likely, you’re not in love with this friend of yours, but rather, there is something in their behavior that you find appealing.

Twelve years is a wonderfully long time, and maybe, just maybe, you need to add a little spice.

Consider what your friend is doing that has you so riled up, and if it’s possible, have your husband do those things as well.

It may be time to have a conversation with him about keeping things fresh.

I wouldn’t mention having a crush on your friend, as that will unnecessarily complicate the situation, as he will likely become uncomfortable with you two being together.

Best you can do is try to process the basis of these feelings as opposed to ignoring them.

Take it slow.

Communicatively,

The Crone

Dearest Crone and Daniel,

I’m in a long-distance relationship with my perfect man, what can we do to keep it from becoming stale?

(We’re both broke CC, so traveling isn’t an option rn)

Geographically,

Lovefool

Dear Lovefool,

Many relationships thrive through physical proximity.

Given your situation, you will need to be a bit more creative.

This means a serious discussion regarding what you both need when physicality isn’t an option.

This could involve getting sexual over the phone— the incorporation of toys, images, voice recordings, etc.

As well as the small things that imply you’re thinking about each other: sending photos that remind you of one another, parallel play (literally just being on the phone while handling your own things), or sending letters, gifts, etc.

On the more productive side, I would make sure you’re both committed to a plan that will eventually move you both closer to each other.

This will require a financial goal, a location desirable to both of you, and a timeline!

Long-distance is temporary, but if he’s perfect, work to make it last forever.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Any advice for people who are happy and comfy single but feel a pang in their heart when they see fictional couples and real(/fr)?

Not to mention the urge to climb a man, but none of them are hot enough to reach fictional standard(/j)?

Longingly,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

I’m going to assume this comes in waves for you.

One moment where you’re content by yourself, and another where the pangs hit in full.

In this case, what you’re really looking for is someone who gives you something you’re missing when you don’t know what that is.

My advice to you is to introspect.

Figure out where a partner could potentially fit into your life, and be open to the desire should the opportunity arise.

You’ll find one you want to climb, I promise.

But if you’re looking at couples and sighing wistfully, you need to consider what you’d want out of such a dynamic.

It’s okay to be content with oneself, but it’s also normal to want a companion.

Stay open-minded.

Thoughtfully,

The Crone

Dearest Crone/Daniel,

One of my friends, who was like a brother to me, ditched me because someone told him that I was only friends with him to get close to his mother.

Now, this isn't true but he didn't believe me even though we were friends for a year before I even met the lovely woman.

I am still dealing with it, but my main problem is trying to return the books that his mother lent me. I reached out to him asking if he wanted them in person or if he just wanted me to drop them off at his house and he asked for time to decide.

It has been a little over a month, and still no word.

How can I solve this without causing any unnecessary problems?

Sincerely,

Becca. P.S.

Sorry for the multiple submissions

Dear Becca,

I’m sorry your friend is an ass.

I’m beyond confused about what he thought your intention with his mother was, but that’s largely irrelevant.

A little life advice, dearie: you have an obligation to try but not to keep trying.  

You reached out.

He ignored you.

It’s not your fucking problem anymore ❤️.

If his mother wants her books back so desperately, she’ll ask him for your number.

You avoid unnecessary problems by moving on with your life and letting the weirdos cope and seethe.

You’re doing great. Keep at it.

Enjoy your free books.

Literarily,

The Crone

Dear Becca,

I’m going to take this write-in to advertise the fact that our character limit for submissions to the Crone has been increased to 500!

Write wisely!

Also, seriously, keep your free books.

Problematically,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

One of Daniel’s videos (the tell me who was your queer awakening one) was the last piece in the puzzle to me, realizing that not only was Sailor Uranus my queer awakening, but they’re also my gender awakening.

One of Daniel’s TikToks helped me realize I’m non-binary!

By the power of the moon,

Surprised Sailor Scout

Dear Suprised Sailor Scout,

This is a very touching write-in, it means a lot that you are willing to share your journey of self-discovery here with us.

I know what it feels like for something about oneself to just click; the relief in finally realizing.

Often, the things we were drawn to in childhood represented what we were too young to verbalize.

Congratulations on growing up.

Much love,

The Crone

Dear Suprised Sailor Scout,

Have you figured out how to get the cunty outfit to come when you call?

I screamed “makeup” out loud, and I got a noise complaint from my neighbor.

Lunarly,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I've been seeing a guy for two years, and I like him a lot, obviously.

But, my family has a history of altogether too quick romances. My grandparents got married 5 months after they met.

I want to take it slow because we're young, but I'm also feeling pressure from my family.

How do I politely tell them to fuck off?

Respectfully,

SlowItDown

Dear SlowItDown,

I’m unsure of your age; that alone is a massive factor in this kind of decision-making.

If you’re both out of school, employed, and handling your finances, I believe that two years is a respectable time to consider marriage.

If you’re in high school, I would recommend waiting.

At the end of the day, if your parents aren’t paying for the ring, the wedding, or offering you a downpayment on your first house, they don’t have much leverage, do they?

Don’t engage in that conversation.

Sincerely,

The Crone

Dear Crone (and Daniel),

As I messaged the discord tonight to tell them how much I love and appreciate them (and to update them on my life as one does).

It occurred to me that I wanted to thank you as well for fostering such a wonderful, supportive, and genuinely amazing community.

I am (we all are) so thankful every day for it.

Thank you for giving us delightful, wonderful, friendly weirdos a community.

Your only slightly biased discord Mod,

Erecurra

Dear Erecurra,

The reason the Discord is functional is thanks to you.

The work that you put in to keep things running smoothly is an honor to the community we have built together.

We’re so, so grateful for you, and for the community you care so much about.

Lovingly,

The Crone

PS, if you want to join the Discord, the link is here: Everything a Valthakan Needs 

Dear Erecurra,

Everything the Crone said and more.

I think my computer would have caught on fire if it weren’t for you.

Thank you for teaching me how Discord actually works, and keeping our community up to date and well taken care of.

Your support and the community we have means the world to me.

Love,

Daniel

Dearest Crone,

I have been a subscriber for 5 months now, and I really value your wisdom.

I have known I was bisexual since I was 15 and fell in love with my best friend.

But now, at forty, I have also discovered that I am genderqueer.

When I came out to my husband, friends, family, and therapist, every single one of them said they already knew. I don't get it.

How did I make it so far in life without knowing this about myself?

Especially considering how obvious it was to literally everyone else?

Confused,

Out and Proud and Apparently Clueless

Dear Out and Proud and Apparently Clueless,

I hope you understand the smile this question brought to my face.

Know that this means the people you have surrounded yourself with see you for who you are, even if you’re a bit late to the party.

It’s a wonderful thing to be known.

The people who realize things about yourself before you do don’t deal with the same internal questioning and struggle.

For them, it was as simple as the behaviors/attitudes you showed prior to coming out.

For you, it was a journey to recognize yourself; in these cases it can be exceptionally difficult in the face of what one is raised with.

It’s not a bad thing to be the last to figure it out; it just means that you had more support than you realized.

Smilingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My last friend from high school has been terribly depressed for the last two years.

He’s had lots of failed dates on apps and is in a toxic living situation, but never listens to my advice (I have Depression/Anxiety & see a therapist).

He’s expressed suicidality a lot & I’ve pulled away a lot.

Does that make me a bad person?

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

The short answer is no.

It can take close to a decade of professional training before someone is considered knowledgeable enough to assist individuals in these situations.

If he is in a self-destructive spiral, you are not equipped to help him.

You can tell him you want to be there for him but that he needs to seek help from people qualified to give it to him.

Everything after that is up to him.

You are not a bad person, especially in the face of your mental health journey; you have your own needs to be taken care of.

Gently,

The Crone

Deariest Crone,

I cut off contact with my dad after 20 years of emotional abuse.

Recently, I found out he'd written me out of his will; my 4-year-old half-brother will get it all.

I know a lot of this conflict is my fault, not just his.

How do I deal with the anger, guilt, and shame of all of this?

How do I stop blaming a 4yo kid?

Dejectedly,

Escapism Addict

Dear Escapism,

The quickest answer is therapy, but I’m going to play a bit of devil’s advocate here:

It’s okay to feel anger toward your half-brother, so long as you don’t act on it.

Feelings do not need to be suppressed, but you are absolutely responsible for being a safe individual to a 4-year-old.

Shoving emotions aside does nothing but make them grow.

Accept your anger, guilt, and shame, and understand that even if it’s being misdirected toward your half-brother, you’re still feeling it.

Give yourself the space to process these emotions, and, again, do so with a professional.

Maybe you need a little space from your half-brother. He’s innocent, but emotions aren’t known for rationality.

It’s more than the adult part of you that is feeling these emotions, and it’s understandable why they would target your half-sibling, especially if his relationship with your father is better than yours.

You’re unlikely to receive some sort of meaningful closure from your father, but that shouldn’t be your goal.

You need to accept things the way they are and trust in your adult self enough that a situation like the one you experienced will not happen again.

Gently,

The Crone

Read the Previous Question in Edition #11.25: Emotional Issues? That's So Last Year 

Hey!

This is a follow-up to my previous one :). I have not gone on any dates (one of the guys really fucked with my homecoming) BUT THERES NEW DRAMA.

I might be falling for one of my best friends.

Problem is, I do not trust myself to determine my sexuality (previous issues), and I’m 99% sure my parents would not love it.

Also, I don’t think she’s into me.

Someone send help.

Confused as Hell and Possibly Bisexual?

Dear Possibly Bisexual,

I’m glad that you are diving headfirst into this journey so excitedly.

I want to point out that a label is the least important part of this.

You’re curious, you’re questioning, that’s all that matters.

If you do come to a conclusion one way or another, I am going to take the “problematic” standpoint that safety and housing come before “living your truth.” If coming out to your parents will impact the above things, I’m going to suggest you keep quiet.

I’m also going to delicately reiterate that if you’re experimenting with your sexuality, don’t do it within your friend or housing group.

Keep us updated!

Scientifically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

This is just so I can get an update from the previous post.

I followed you on YouTube and Instagram just so I don’t lose you in case of the ban.

Supernally,

Sophia

Dear Sophia,

Daniel often struggles to come up with ingenious, engaging ways to self-promote.

So I have to thank you profusely for doing the work for him!

For those who missed it, our upcoming YouTube videos are titled

Polyphemus Did Nothing Wrong | Odysseus Had Pretty Privilege (An Epic: The Musical Analysis)

&

Interview with a Vampire vs. The Originals | My Takes on Immortality

I hope you’re looking forward to it as much as we are.

Content is still migrating to YouTube, so keep an eye out for the new and the best of our oldies.

Endorsing-ly,

The Crone

Youtube | Instagram