Dear Crone,

Relationships are starting.

I’ve been asked out by two guys.

However, I feel weird.

On one hand, I don’t want a relationship, but on the other, I feel like I do.

There are people saying I should, but I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that.

Help?

Confused as Hell and Possibly Asexual

Dear Confused,

If your concern is in regard to committing to a relationship, I’m going to suggest you take a step back.

You can— in the moment— assess whether you are willing to commit to a single date. That’s it!

Other people’s input is irrelevant (unless you asked for it), so you have Croneic permission to tell them to fuck off if you feel like it!

Continue to check in with yourself about your interest in a relationship— hesitation can be completely normal.

Go on a date (if you want to), enjoy yourself (if you want to), and either plan another date or say thank you and move on.

There is no need to pressure yourself about commitment when you haven’t made sure he chews with his mouth closed.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone

I have known this girl (A) for 3 years, and been close friends with her for 1.

We go to the same drama club and have bonded over our love of romantasy books.

I have developed a huge crush on her, and after speaking to a different friend (B), I discovered that A feels the same.

This isn't just an observation thing, A's friend had told B this to get us together.

I really like her, but I don't know how to tell her. Also, I am studying A-levels and don't have a lot of time.

Help!

CrapIt’saCrush

Dear Crush,

You have two situations that can easily feel overwhelming when taken together.

Your A-levels are of extreme importance.

If you do decide to approach your crush, it would be mindful to inform her of your potential lack of time until you’re more available.

School comes first, for your sake.

In terms of how to tell her, “Would you like to go out on Saturday?” is normally a great place to start.

Direct and clear ends up being a lot more fun than mysterious and unsure.

Understand that both these situations are exciting.  

You’re pursuing something meaningful with someone you care about, and you’re preparing for your future.

Just make sure you study and are clear with your intentions.

Matchmakingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Single mom here, finally getting divorced next month after A LOT of hurt!

But here's the thing: I have a crush now, a friend of mine, and I am enjoying the feelings and the delulu that comes from this.

My friends say he might also like me, because he spent 3 hours walking with me in the cold and we just....talked.

I know my place, and I don't think I can do anything about it, but...what do you think?

He is an amazing guy, and I don't want to lose him as a friend if I get too greedy.

Help?

Master of Ceremonies

Dear MoC,

Congrats on your divorce!

You are dealing with incredibly volatile emotions right now, and as such, I think there is wisdom in waiting to begin a new relationship.

Your friends are likely very well-meaning, and his enjoyment of your company is clearly a green flag.

You still need time to process.

You may accidentally hurt yourself or your friend if you don’t take the steps to address lingering situations that you experienced prior to your divorce.

I would speak to a professional.

It is entirely possible that a relationship with your crush could work. However, it is much better to pursue it from a healthy emotional state as opposed to it being a potential rebound.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’m catching feelings for a guy in my grad program.

It's only been a semester, but we're good friends already, and we have great conversations, not to mention chemistry.

The thing is, we're part of a friend group that I CANNOT lose, and we also work together.

Part of me is concerned it's a proximity thing... At what point do I know pursuing this is worth the risk?

(PS Can you check on Daniel? That ceiling situation looks precarious)

Yours truly,

Girl in love???

Dear Girl,

As seriously as possible, is the worst-case scenario losing all your friends and work becoming intolerable, or is it more likely just suffering through an awkward stretch?

Regardless of what that scenario may be, does the risk of it seem worth the chance of further developing the chemistry you have with him?

Essentially, figure out what you’re more afraid of, fallout, or what could have been.

Would keeping it professional make things easier? Maybe.

But you’re already in a grad program, and misery loves company.

If he has a personality and performs cunnilingus, I say jump his bones.

Problematically,

The Crone

Dear Girl,

The water-damaged ceiling is getting patched in the next month!

So far, the only real issues have been the draft and several raccoons attempting to steal my vitamin D pills.

Nothing I can’t handle!

With love and possibly rabies,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I always identified myself as a lesbian. Recently, after a friendzone from a girl and way too much liquid courage, I hooked up with a guy I met at an event.

The thing is, I don’t think I'm attracted to him, and even if I were, I'm not looking for something serious at the time (I've got massive commitment issues).

He's a really good friend, and he seems to really like me.

How do I let him down gently?

Confusedmaybebisexual

Dear Maybe,

You have to be direct.

Your sexuality, in this case, is largely irrelevant to the fact that you’re just not into him.  

As such, it would serve you to honestly and explicitly make it clear it was a one-time thing.

In terms of making it gentle, simply say you are not looking to pursue something serious with him— telling someone you have no future with that you don’t find him attractive isn’t necessary to start. 

If he pressures or pushes the issue, you can keep that truthbomb in your back pocket, but it will probably end the friendship.

Clear boundaries and enforcement of such, babes.

Committedly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’ve made a name for myself in my school's newspaper by writing fun/insulting horoscopes, and now everyone else wants in because it's so successful (i.e. changing what I’ve already written behind my back), including the person who runs the club (and is also a close friend).

I know it’s stupid, but this is my thing.

How do I say I’m not okay with it?

Sincerely,

Should Not Have This Much Trouble Communicating Basic Things

Dear Communicating,

Just like that.

“I’m not okay with this. People should not be changing my writing.”

You’re the author.

It’s one thing if you consented to edits, but if others are interfering with your content, you don’t need to be accomodating.

In fact, you need to be difficult.

You don’t accuse or assign intent, but you say, “I don’t want people doing this.”

Often, the fear of confrontation is worse than the actual reaction to it.

Sign your work, and be proud of it.

If it isn’t authentic “Should Not Have This Much Trouble Communicating Basic Things” then it’s not worth the read.

Reassuringly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have a master’s degree in a niche field that I never worked in.

Starting that career means I'd have to be in a long-distance marriage.

I never thought I'd give up a career for a man and a family, but I'm happy here and don't want to give it up.

Now, I can't shake the feeling that I've wasted years and so, so much money on a degree I'll never use.

I also feel like a sell-out for not pursuing that career.

How do I stop feeling the guilt and grief for the life I imagined for myself?

Sincerely,

Lost Potential

Dear Potential,

While I don’t know what your degree is in, I am assuming you are familiar with the concept that energy cannot be created or destroyed.

The same is true of potential.

Deciding not to pursue a career in a field related to your degree does not diminish the effort you put in and the growth you experienced in achieving it.

Countless people would trade their careers to reach a point in their lives where they feel happy.

Giving that up to guilt will not bring you the satisfaction you think you are robbing yourself of.

If you enjoy the work of your degree, I would look into potential remote work opportunities adjacent to your field.

If you spent years learning, fundamentally, that cannot be a waste.

You’re not giving up a career for a man and a family, you’re choosing a path that brings you joy— and you can’t put a price on that.

If you are mourning a potential life, then speaking to a professional can help you work through those feelings.

But feeling like a sell-out is an external pressure and is one that you needn’t burden yourself with.

Lovingly,

The Crone

Hi Daniel/Fabulous Crone!

I am a Librarian and a recovering people pleaser.

Recently, one of our library regulars caught me by surprise and decided they wanted to be "friends" outside of the library.

It gave me weird vibes - at first, I thought I was being asked out while I was at work.

Any advice on how to kindly reject their request to hang out without making them uncomfortable to visit the library?

I'm really worried about coming off as a jerk.

Literarily,

Friendly Librarian

Dear Friendly Librarian,

This is the kind of situation where you have to combat your people-pleasing tendencies.

Whether or not they’re asking you out or simply want to see more of you outside of work, any variation of “no, thank you” is perfectly acceptable.

Afterward, you treat them the same way you always did when they came into the library.

If they are offended or uncomfortable, that is not your problem.

Maybe you will come off as a jerk, but I’d argue that’s still better than giving your contact information to someone you don’t want to be around.

Openly,

The Crone

Heya Crone,

Recently a friend from high school has reached out and is actively flirting with me.

This wouldn't normally be a problem, except I know for a fact he just ended an engagement with the girl he'd been dating since senior year (7 years ago).

I am trying to look past it because he does genuinely seem interested in me, but I really don't want to be a rebound.

I have no idea why he and his ex-fiancé broke up, either.

Am I reading too much into this or should I try and confront him?

Stumped,

Drafts-not-a-man

Dear Drafts,

I don’t think that “confront” is the correct mindset for this sort of thing.

His actions, in a vacuum, are not inherently a red flag— he’s now available and is potentially interested in you.

But if he does nut up and ask you out (and you decide to go), I think it’s perfectly acceptable to outline your concerns.

If you feel like he is willing to take them (and your potential relationship) seriously, then I say dive in.

If he is dismissive or you get a bad vibe, reject his advances. Go with your gut, always.

Sippingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My best friend has cut ties with me because her shitty boyfriend of 13 months has been caught cheating on her for the second time in about 6 months after she called me and told me, then asked what to do.

I told her to break up with him, and he got mad at me because he read her texts and thinks I’m a toxic friend.

She’s cut me off twice before for this bald-headed dumbass with micro bangs (and no other hair), but I feel like I have to be there for her because we met in rehab.

What should I do?

Attachment Issues Final Boss

Dear Final Boss,

There’s nothing you can do.

As you’ve told me, this is the third time your friend has made this decision.

Please know I say this as kindly as possible, this isn’t worth your time.

It’s amazing that you two found support in each other during rehab, but this is another form of the self-destructive cycles you were looking to break— and you don’t need to subject yourself to it.

If you want, you can write to your friend, outline your concerns and the patterns you have noticed, and express your frustrations.

You’re already cut out for being toxic; you have nothing to lose.

If she does break up with this… individual… and wants to reconnect, you’re welcome to do so, but only so long as you understand that you’re also welcome not to.

Anger, frustration, and betrayal often boil away to indifference, and you aren’t wrong for that.

So long as you don’t blame or guilt yourself over these feelings or any actions wherein you separate from her independent of her partner, you’re making the right choice.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My long term partner and I recently went through a rough patch that shook my confidence in our relationship.

He has gone back to therapy and has (without my suggesting) decided to begin medication.

Things are better.

But I’m still feeling unsure.

He’s positive we are the main love interests.

I want to believe in him, in us, but now I feel like I’m a little too aware of my exit strategy.

Help a stubborn romantic?

Wishing I Was a Dragon

Dear Wishing,

If he is in therapy, medicated, and still committed to the long term, he is doing everything he needs to do, especially if things have gotten better, as you say.

It will benefit you to discuss with a professional regarding the source of your uncertainty.

Do you feel as though he is incapable of being a healthy partner, or do you dislike his communication methods?

Both of these are issues, but they have vastly different solutions.

Exit strategies are fine so long as you’re not going to open the airplane door at 30,000 feet.

Defying Gravity,

The Crone

Previously in Edition #9.75: Twas a Dark and Stormy Night 

Dearest, darlingest Cronesie and Dansicle,

You might remember me as the girl who asked about her uni audition a few weeks ago.

I’m happy to say that I got in!

While I was still really nervous and longing for that potion the Crone mentioned, I was able to perform regardless of my nerves.

I’m moving in on the 3rd of Feb, and while I will miss my family, I’m looking forward to uni life.

Lastly, any ideas on how to navigate this new chapter?

Roommate or scheduling tips, perhaps?

Tertiarily,

Actress

Dear Actress,

Mazel tov, and don’t think I didn’t notice the change in your name!

That’s wonderful news, and we are so excited to see where this next step!

Given that you have about 4 weeks to get everything in order:

1. Don’t underestimate how many boxes you will need to pack your things

2. That being said, try to pack as lightly as possible

3. Rope people into helping you move, even if that means hiring them

4. Do everything in your power not to take classes before 9am

5. Don’t trust the randomness of the universe to give you a normal roommate. Join FB groups and the like to connect with people

6. MAKE A CHORE WHEEL AND ENFORCE IT WITH DICTATORIAL IMPUNITY

7. Balance your diet, it’s a lot harder to do when you’re on your own

8. Call your family as much as you need, they’ll love hearing from you

9. Join interest groups/sports clubs to meet new people

10. Never send nudes with your face in them

11. Trust no man (unless they worship the ground you walk on)

12. Trust no bitch (unless they’re always honest with you)

13. Trust your gut (unless you’ve had more than three drinks)

14. Be open to new experiences, but remember there is a difference between being uncomfortable and being out of your comfort zone

15. Power is an illusion, and confidence is spellcasting

Go boots, hunty, slay the house down.

Love,

The Crone

Previously in Edition #7.75: Autumn Rains and Relationship Pains 

Dear Crone the Wise and Saucy,

Update 5: I took your advice; liars won't feel guilty for being the hero of their own story.

I sadly know nothing of her activities (Sorry, I do know she stalled at Elantris. Hoed cursed fool)

She does still seem obsessed with me though; how do you counter someone with a victim complex with mutual friends?

Continuously,

The Victorious One

Dear VO,

From the looks of things we will need to purchase film rights very soon.

Victim complexes are unshakeable from the outside— they’re the emotional equivalent of Hoid petrifying himself on Komashi.

By virtue of their nature, external input cannot break the cycle of behavior because any attempt to change the person reinforces the victim complex narrative.

Now, given that you have mutual friends, the solution isn’t stopping momentum but redirecting it.

If you aren’t around her, but she comes up in conversation, you can express the barest sympathy before changing the topic.

If she’s attempting to garner sympathy in person, offer simple solutions, basic support, and encourage the flow of conversation to shift away from her complaints.

The worst thing you can do to someone like this is politely, respectfully, and calmly not treat them like a victim.  

It will drive her insane, I promise.

Enablingly,

The Crone

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