Dear Crone,

I recently started dating someone long distance and my friends have not been supportive, saying that I need to date someone more “my type” (we are an interracial couple) and who lives closer.

How do I politely tell them to fuck off?

Sincerely,

Lovesick and Troubled

Dear Lovesick,

I will delicately suggest we approach from a place of good intention.

Is it possible that there are religious differences, cultural differences, or a difference in family values that could create friction later on in the relationship?

Long distance especially can exacerbate all these issues.

I only want to caution against the rose-colored glasses that can be worn at the beginning of new relationships, wherein concerns raised about real issues can be interpreted as a malicious attack.

Now, if your friends do, in fact, have a problem with your partner’s race, I have good news.

You don’t need to be polite when telling them to fuck off.  

But never ascribe to malice what at first could be ignorance.

Otherwise, just keep having your relationship, and make sure your friends are safe for your partner to be around.

Cautiously,

The Crone

Dearest Crone (And Daniel),

Any advice on how to get over an ex who simultaneously treated me well, was kind and sweet, but also dumped me twice and drove me to break it off a third and hopefully last time?

I started dating again and keep comparing them to him, and keep remembering him randomly if I see something that I think he might like.

Sincerely,

Complicated Capybara

Dearest Complicated Capybara,

You are in drastic need of an ick!

Some assistance in that regard includes

1. Imagine him chasing after a ping pong ball, hunched over his knees.

2. Imagine him wearing socks with crocs

3. Imagine him standing next to Henry Caville (or your preferred celebrity)

4. Imagine him with long ass toenails

Other than that, it is, unfortunately, a matter of time.

While it is completely understandable to remember the good, it is also important to recall your feelings when he dumped you on two separate occasions and drove you to end it a third time.

Eventually, you’ll meet someone new and realize your ex can’t compare.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I took your advice to ride a dragon or three. I assume by dragon, you meant a member of the Samoan Over 25's Rugby team?

Any tips to make a Why Choose work out, and how do I deal Samoan Aunties?

If anyone knows how to handle interfering older women…

Sincerely,

Moved On(to Others)

Dear Moved On(to Better),

My commendations to your flirtatious talent and my condolences to your hip flexors.

My advice is that behind every 6’17" Samoan man, there’s an auntie 2 feet shorter who is 100% in charge.

Now, if they’re misbehaving, you can threaten to tell their aunties, and that’ll keep them in line.

But, as an interfering older woman myself, there’s little you can do besides vie for their acceptance.

You have an opportunity to explore a culture that you are (potentially) new to, and expressing (legitimate) interest in certain practices that the aunties want to share with outsiders can be a great way to learn and spend time with them.

The more you make them like you, the more time you’ll be invited to spend with their respective rugby players.

In terms of making a “Why Choose?” work… you have to make it a competition where your snatch is the ball.

Blood bin times are cut in half, the box-kick isn’t what it sounds like, and a choke tackle is a preferred opening move.

Best of luck, use lube.

Love,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have a massive crush on a coworker. I'm 25.

He is 41 and a master of the dark arts of mixed signaling.

Please disabuse me of this stupid fucking delusion before I do something insane. I beg of you!

Sincerely,

Unicorn Hops

Dear Unicorn Hops,

Please know I am delicately holding your hand when I ask the question:

“Is he a master of mixed signaling, or is he simply a 40-year-old man?”

I have a hard time believing someone of that age has an interest in games, and if he does… RED flag.

In all honesty, a long-term relationship is unlikely to succeed just by virtue of the age gap, according to statistics, but if you’re into him, why not just… hit on him?

I’m not saying marry the guy, but there’s a reason why so many people like classic rides.

As long as he doesn’t have a wife, you’re good. However, if he’s never had a wife, that's also a red flag.

Additionally, I will point out that a man over 40 who is still “figuring out what he wants in a relationship” should be avoided.

Tread with caution.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dearest Crone,

I was recently introduced to a potential fiance over a video call.

His family is nice (and well off), but he’s not really my type and I know little about him.

He wants to move forward with this, but I’m not really sure.

Any advice?

Pistachio

Dearest Pistachio,

Clearly, you are participating in an aspect of your culture relatively foreign to my upbringing.

With this in mind, I want to be delicate and say that your safety comes before an old witch telling you to “follow your heart.”

Now.

The money is nice, but does he not fit your type physically or personality-wise?

If it’s the former, I would suggest politely declining to proceed with the engagement, as physical attraction is a major aspect of any successful relationship.

If you think his personality isn’t your type, you yourself admitted to not knowing him too well, and so, if possible, I would recommend asking for more time to get to know him.

I’m not sure what the respectable timeline for an engagement would be, but ensure that your own desires in a fiance are met before committing to anything if you can.

As a counterpoint… money lasts a lot longer than looks.

Take with that what you will.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My BIL is a potato.

He is not a rotten one (violent, alcoholic, etc), but he verbally puts down my sister while being a manchild.

On my bi-annual visits, he actively tries to sabotage my time with my sister/niece.

How do I make peace w/ this tuber?

Sincerely,

Waffle Fries

Dear Waffle Fries,

The most important thing is DO NOT involve your sister and niece.

Trust me, if you’re spotting this behavior, your sister is also aware.

I do not know what you mean by actively sabotaging, but this sort of thing is best handled with explicit, idiot-proofing communication.

Make plans, make him aware of them, make sure everyone is on board with them, and if he suddenly has an issue, then make it clear that that’s fine, but you’re going to those plans anyway.

If he wants to fight with his wife and daughter about this, that’s on them, but you are simply visiting, organizing things, and going to do them with whoever is available.

Whatever you do, do not cow to his manchildness… if he is maliciously incompetent, welp, so are you, sorry, you can’t help him.

Your sister is an adult, and as much as it sucks, she has to handle her relationship, not you.

Make sure not to let any anger slip out with your niece present.

Best of luck,

The Crone

Dear Waffle Fries,

The Dixie Chicks had a lovely solution for their friend Earl…

But don’t leave a paper trail.

Problematically,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I recently uprooted my whole life and moved across the country for my best friend of 9 years.

As soon as I got here, she started treating me horribly, and I had to cut her out of my life.

How do I stop feeling like I flew too close to the sun?

Sincerely,

Icarus

Dear Icarus,

You did fly too close to the sun, dearie.

You prioritized a friend over what was best for you, and you faced the consequences of that.

Luckily, you were not in the stratosphere and aren’t now plunging toward the sea; you just had your head in the clouds.

But according to some, Icarus laughed as he fell.

For the briefest moment, he had soared higher than any mortal ever dared, and as failure melted from his shoulders, he was free to simply fall.

There is nothing wrong with burning, so long as you pick yourself from the ashes.

Assess what you want to do next—your career, your relationships, where you live—and proceed from there.

Icarus may not have been able to, but you can build new wings.

Many trees only bloom after wildfires.

Sun-kissed,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have a friend who is very clingy.

He's seems to think only his opinions matters.

He also goes to my bff for free therapy and won't consider seeking other help.

He's oblivious to our annoyance, but doesn't have anyone outside of our group.

Sincerely,

Not a Therapist

Dear Not a Therapist,

… Have you tried… being direct with him?

Just because he won’t change his behaviors doesn’t mean you can’t.

It’s good that you’re concerned for him, but your BFF can tell him that she isn’t able to help with his problems— and if a heavier hand is necessary, she can tell him that she doesn’t want to hear about them.

Context is key in the latter part.

There’s a difference between someone wanting advice and someone needing to vent; similarly, there is a difference between “I don’t care about your problems” and “I don’t feel equipped to help you handle them.”

If he’s not willing to seek professional help, your friend has the right to end the discussion, and if she doesn’t, that’s on her.

Ultimately, do you enjoy hanging out with him?

A friendship based on pity will drain everyone involved.

If you do enjoy him at his best, outline and enforce your boundaries.

He is under no more obligation to pick up on hints as you are obligated to listen to his opinion.

Just some food for thought.

Bluntly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My boyfriend and best friend hate each other.

They have since before I met him.

She wants me to break up with him and tells me constantly.

My boyfriend and I had a really bad miscommunication about four months back, but we’ve moved on.

She’s convinced I’m not as happy as I think and that I don’t love him.

I respect her opinion, but I’m not breaking up.

Sincerely,

Becky

Dear Becky,

If you are happy with your partner, that’s the end of the discussion. It’s inappropriate for your friend to constantly blast your boyfriend.

While I hesitate to suggest something that could cause drama, I’m going to point out that if an outside party were trying to convince me I was miserable with my partner, I would think they wanted to take said partner’s place.

Do with that what you will.

Since the feelings are mutual, I’m not suggesting you pick one or the other, but understand it will be easier for you to keep them separate.

This is a classic case of “don’t do anything you don’t want to.”

Emphatically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

In the event that I do not feel like I’m pretty enough to make up for my personality, what do I do?

The way I present myself seems to be an acquired taste.

How do I get my I don’t give a fuck attitude back?

Tiredly,

MJ

Dear MJ,

As long as you have acquired your own taste, you’re set.

Don’t-give-a-fuck-ery is a practiced skill, and it is best built backward.

If you enjoy taking steps to enhance your look, practice them, get exceptionally good at styling, makeup, working out, or whatever makes you feel like you’re putting your best foot forward.

Get used to feeling that way about yourself, and peel it back.

Maybe try wearing less— or different— makeup or outfits, or switch up your workout routine, or vary something in your usual set up.

If you keep 90% of what makes you feel confident, then the 10% that’s new won’t seem as intimidating, and as you cycle and repeat this, you’ll eventually realize your confidence in yourself is coming internally rather than being tied to a specific regimen or routine.

It’s all an illusion, and easing yourself into it (or tricking yourself for that matter), works wonders.

Remember that the person most focused on you is yourself, and those that are going to be the best for you aren’t going to require you “make up” for any other part of you.

Simultaneously, lacking self-confidence isn’t a crime, and taking slow steps to build it will inevitably help.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear MJ,

Seriously, you’re this edition’s pole plug.

It’s very, very hard not to feel sexy when you’re spinning.

Whirly-dirly, 

Daniel

Dear Crone & Daniel,

My mother is a real b***h.

She refuses to acknowledge or take accountability for any of her actions.

Recently I got engaged and she disrespected my partner in a horrible way.

When I called her out on it, she brought up a very bad time for my mental health as a way to make HER the victim.

How do I go no contact with my mom?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

I’m sorry you feel like you’ve been forced into this position.

You obviously understand this situation best, and know what is best for you and your partner.

With no contact, I do recommend a final message.

A letter, email, or text outlining your grievances and explicitly stating why you are doing this.

This should not be about your mother’s actions but instead your feelings in your relationship with her.

That is, not “you MAKE me feel,” but rather “I feel.”

If possible, you can include a timeline for when you would be willing to reconnect, but that is entirely up to you.

I would recommend speaking to a professional, as they will be able to guide you more personally than I can.

This will become one of those situations where you may see a change in your mom, but you will need to weigh the risk of further disappointment against a meaningful connection.

Take it one day at a time.

Softly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’m about to go back to college, but am living with my now-ex girlfriend (amicable breakup).

I’m scared the awkwardness is going to make me miserable the whole year.

Any advice?

Sapphically,

Uhaul Lesbian

Dear Uhaul Lesbian,

I can already tell by your name that you are a relatively self-aware sort.

If you’re afraid of the awkwardness, you have two options.

1. Suck it up.

2. Move out.

… Obviously, there’s the forbidden third option, but we’ll ignore that for now.

So that’s that.

Awkwardness is a two-way street, and just because someone else is being awkward doesn’t mean you have to shift your behavior.

Airing out your concerns, communicating clearly, and being upfront will save you both a lot of issues as roommates.

Of course, there is your second option in which you put that Uhaul to good use.

It’s understandable not wanting to live with an ex, but you cannot demand she move if she doesn’t want to, so you can take the steps necessary to create physical distance between you two.

Ultimately, I find the fear of awkwardness far worse than dealing with any awkward situation.

Gotta grit your teeth, dearie.

Movingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I lost my brother a year ago & my dad 5 months ago which caused me to sink into a deep depression.

It’s affecting everything.

What can I do to get out of this funk?

I’m seeing a therapist, but need a little more. Thank you for your wisdom

Sincerely,

MourningMary

Dear MourningMary,

I am sure you have heard countless “I’m so sorry” statements that did little to help you or improve things. So I will try to avoid that.

I’m glad you are seeing a professional, and I highly encourage you to stick with it.

The best advice I ever received is to remember. Don’t shy away from the memories of those who passed; instead, allow yourself to reflect on how they touched your life.

Having something physical, such as a memento in the form of a photo or tchotchke, is especially comforting.

Allow yourself to mourn. There isn’t a timeline for when you should feel better, and you never need to feel guilt for how you grieve.

Yes, you will still need to handle the day-to-day, but you are not less for having it take more out of you.

Be easy on yourself.

Lovingly,

The Crone

Dear MourningMary,

There is little more that I can say, but the phrase I find the most comforting is “May their memory be a blessing,” and may you continue to honor it.

Lovingly,

Daniel

Dear crone,

I am in love with school.

It is my safe place I never want to leave my university.

I'm planning on getting a third BA soon.

When will I be able to leave my safe place and join the world?

Best wishes,

Lost Scholar

Dear Lost Scholar,

The only one that can decide when you’re ready to leave is you.

Three BAs are impressive, but given your write-in, it sounds like you’re looking to delay growing up rather than further your education.

I recommend you ask yourself what you’re afraid of and consider speaking to a professional to understand where this fear arose.

On the other hand, a professional pursuit in academia is also very much an option.

If you feel happiest at a university, there is no reason your career shouldn’t involve one.

I think you’re ready now, and I don’t think you can wait until you’re “not scared,” that will never happen.

But just because something is scary doesn’t mean it is harmful, and often, you will find that you are far better equipped than you realize.

Take the first step: look at jobs that you can apply to know, and maybe see what budget you’d need to have for the places you want to live.

If you’re about to start a third Bachelor’s degree anyway, you might as well have some risk-free fun on LinkedIn and Zillow.

Supportively,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I recently got with a guy and told him I had feelings for him. He said he returned them but didn’t want to date me.

Luckily, I’m looking for other people now, but what did that comment really mean?

Signed,

Lonely but Living

Dear Lonely,

It meant he wanted to fuck without commitment.

This means that, for whatever reason, his feelings for you were not enough for him to pursue a relationship.

Luckily, his thought process is irrelevant because he didn’t want to date you.

His opinions stopped mattering when he could no longer give you what you wanted.

It’s possible his next lay will wrap him around her finger or will shatter his psyche, or it will be a repeat of your scenario.

Not your problem, his loss.

Honestly,

The Crone

Read the Previous Question Here

Dear Crone,

I would like to add that the murder house does not have a discount, and is charging $300 to park in the driveway.

Gotta love college towns.

Luckily, it's also my home town, so I get the absolute crushing joy of living at home.

Wish me luck and friends,

Poor But Ready to Fight

Dear Ready to Fight,

As frustrating as it may be to continue staying at home, you’ll thank yourself for the money you saved.

The best way to make friends would be to join a hobby group or interest club— it will introduce you to new people and keep you out of the house.

You got this, and there’s so much to look forward to.

I’m rooting for you, dearie.

Excitedly,

The Crone

Read the Previous Question Here

Hi Crone!

I sent a quick update to Daniel, but I thought it would be amusing to send it here!

You advised me to put some distance and find ways to keep me busy... so I signed up for an amateur boxing event.

My friend proceeds to hear it through the grapevine and is coming from his city to watch me fight!

Not only that, he's placing bets on me winning!

Sincerely,

Wannabe Farmer <3

Dear Farmer <3,

This has to be… the most incredible follow-up I could have imagined.

I know you said he doesn’t like you back, but that is a lot of effort for a supposed lack of interest.

At the very least he is a good friend.

I hope you’re making a commission on your victory, and I seriously commend you for such an intense new hobby.

Wear a mouthguard, keep your guard up, and nobody expects a shank!

Ding ding ding,

The Crone

Read the Previous Question Here (and Here, and Here)

Dear Crone,

Update...4?

It's become quite evident girlie was def lying.

While I continued ignoring her, girl and boy went on a group Labor Day excursion.

I happily went to a Renn Fair, but if she talks to me, how can I make her as guilty as possible about it?

Sincerely,

The Victorious One

Dear Victorious One,

FINALLY, you got your name correct.

I hope you enjoyed the Renn Fair. I have yet to attend one, but rest assured that it is a matter of time.

Guilting someone like this doesn’t normally work because if they were capable of feeling guilt, they wouldn’t have been so manipulative in the first place.

What you can try to do is see how far she’ll go in trying to copy you— as you mentioned before that she suddenly showed interest in the Cosmere after boy did.

In that case, continue to hang out with boy, and be available enough for her to mention all the things you’re doing— but butcher the information when telling her.

You went to a Renn Fair and you dressed up as the TARDIS, you went to Dragonsteel and call it Dragon Con, etc.

If she’s going to try to copy off your homework, give her the wrong answers and watch it all burn.

Maniacally,

The Crone

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