Dear Crone,

I separated from a long-term partner back in 2019 and haven't been in contact with them since 2021 (no social media either).

Unfortunately, I keep seeing them in my dreams.

These dreams are weird too- usually we are back as just friends (like before we got together) doing random casual things like grocery shopping or driving around listening to music.

I don't really miss them, but have no idea what to do with these dreams.

Especially the rare romantic ones.

Any suggestions?

Confused and Frustrated Dreamer From the East

Dear CFD From the East,

Wake up.

I think a part of you is wondering if it’s a sign regarding your relationship.

It’s not.

Maybe you’re lonely, maybe you miss having a buddy to run errands with, or maybe your brain is shuffling through its memory Rolodex.

You don’t need to do anything; thank your neurons for the latest episode and continue with your day.

Maybe it’ll be the inspiration for your next novel.

But there’s nothing you have to do. Fond memories can be enjoyed as just that: memories.

Honestly,

The Crone

Almighty Crone and Daniel,

I hope you like friends-to-lovers.

I met a guy on bumble, but he suggested early on that we be friends.

Several months later, he admits he's become confused about his feelings recently.

We set boundaries because he isn't sure what he wants and our friendship is too important to risk.

I have a hinge date I was excited for Sunday, but now that that door is open, just a crack, I can't stop thinking about it.

Help!

Confusedly,

Sleepless Just Outside Seattle

Dear Sleepless,

So help me, Hecate, you’re going on that date!

The fact that he’s communicating (relatively) well is to be commended, but you are not to spend the rest of your life waiting around for someone to figure out how they feel about you.

You can hope it works out, but you cannot let something like this be an obstacle to future experiences.

The last thing you want is to give someone the power to shut you down with a “maybe.”

If he figures it out and declares his love from the rooftop, wonderful.

But until he’s clear with his intentions, you can respectfully make it understood that you are not waiting around for someone to get their head in the game.

Wildcats!

The Crone

Dear Crone,

So I really liked this guy for a long time, and we talked for a while also, but when I told him how I felt, he told me that he didn’t feel the same way.

Which is totally ok!

He was super sweet about it, and there are no hard feelings whatsoever.

However, he recently just got a new girl, and my sister keeps mentioning how beautiful and awesome his new girl is, and while I’m happy for them, but my sister mentioning it makes me feel like crap.

Am I being overly sensitive, or is she a bitch?

Soror Interfectorem

Dear SI,

Dealing with rejection is a part of life, and I want to congratulate you for handling it so well.

Your sister, on the other hand… seems to be relishing this situation in a way that isn’t supportive or conducive to anything.

I do not want to ascribe maliciousness to what could be ignorance or idiocy, so it may be time for a conversation.

It’s not overly sensitive to not want to hear about a woman a man you were interested in is dating, but it seems like you may need to outline that fact to your sibling.

Don’t be accusatory, but be clear.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

It has been over a year and a half since I went no contact with my mother.

My father also abandoned me as a baby.

While I do not yearn to repair my relationship with my mother, I won't deny feeling essentially orphaned.

I find myself swinging between pure rage and bone-crushing heartbreak.

How do I regulate my feelings about having no parent to go to when those desperate moments arrive?

Respectfully,

Essentially Orphaned

Dear Essentially,

You regulate by doing what you are doing now.

You are able to hold the seemingly contradictory yearning for a relationship with your mother with the knowledge that you have made the healthiest decision for yourself.

You are no longer the child who was abandoned; you are the adult capable of processing and acknowledging the grief caused by your parents’ actions.

Furthermore, you are in a position to give yourself what you need, and you have to take on that responsibility.

Naturally, I am going to suggest you speak to a professional.

But understand that you are not in the wrong for wanting something impossible.

Allow yourself the emotion, and sit with the part of you that, understandably, still feels betrayed.

The last thing you should do is shun the part of you that feels this way.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone and Daniel,

I have been struggling to start writing my book for months now.

When I picture what I want in my head, I can see it so clearly until I watch a video or hear a good part of the Audiobook of the Week.

Then, I have a whole different idea for how it could go.

At present, I’m struggling to decide if I should just create a collection of short stories.

How do you usually decide on your creations?

Conceptually yours,

Concepts of an Author

Dear Concepts,

When you find yourself paralyzed in the decision-making process, I, unfortunately, think it is time for the dread outline.

Organizing your thoughts is the best way to see what direction anything can go, and will give you a sense for which of your ideas are compatible.

At the end of the day, you may just need to force yourself to write that first sentence.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Concepts,

A large reason behind why I transcribe the Crone’s stories (with her permission), as well as offer an ARC of my work, is to keep me accountable.

Having an external impetus forces you to put the words on paper.

Joining a writing group or something similar may help and will provide a fun social aspect!

I will say how I decide on our creations is much less important than the decision to put something down in the first place.

It’s tired and a bit cliche, but the worst first draft that you would rather burn than let see the light of day is going to be infinitely more workable than a blank page.

Throw the whole clusterfuck onto a page.

Perfect is the enemy of good.

Blah, blah, blah.

Just write.

Literarily,

Daniel

Dearest Crone and Daniel,

I’m working as a vocational teacher at a local high school, and I wanted to ask you both what you would recommend to the students about picking a career path… the more honest you are, the better!

Thank you so much for your input!

Sincerely,

Lady of the Lake

Dear Lady of the Lake,

Seeing as I’ve been doing my own thing for the better part of the dawn of time, I believe Daniel may be the better person to speak to.

Tax-evadingly,

The Crone

Dear Lady,

I’m going to shatter a few hearts when I say this, but it’s a lot easier to have a job you hate that pays you than to throw yourself at a dream with no plan forward.

I recognize the absurdity of this statement coming from me, but it’s the truth.

I dedicated myself to content creation only after receiving a biomedical engineering degree, working in academia for about two years, and slowly adjusting my content to what I’m best at (snarky advertising).

But there was a lot of in-between before I made the decision.

When it comes to picking a career, I am going to recommend you pick something lucrative over something enjoyable.

The obvious goal is to find something that is both, but it’s a lot easier to find fulfillment outside of work when you can afford not to be working.

I want your students to know that work doesn’t have to be some divine resonance with the cosmos… sometimes it’s just work.

But to focus on my career… if you can call it that, I want to blast some secrets into the sky.

Content creation is not a get-rich-quick scheme for 99.99% of success stories.

Make sure your high school students know that the vast majority of lifestyle influences (especially) are deeply in debt and lying about it.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH DOING CONTENT CREATION ON THE SIDE TO START OUT.

It will be like any form of startup. You will need time, a plan, and a consistent delivery, and it will be flexible in many ways compared to an average 9-5 and rigid in others.

I always, always recommend having a backup degree, and since I’ve read many, many parents for filth, I’ll suggest a STEM degree to make them happy.

Lastly, part of growing up is discovering what you want to do with your life.

Career changes and the like are completely normal decisions to make as you get older.

Careeningly,

Daniel

Dearest Crone,

I’m a bi man who moved to rural America, and a year in, I’m ready to date.

There are few gays, and very few spaces to meet new people (fuck the apps), so my pool is women I know.

I have a queer affect, which is great for making friends (straight girlies love a gay bestie), but I think my friends assume I’m only into men, making me a Safe Man.

It’s very important to me that my friends feel comfortable around me, and I’m worried that romantic overtures would undermine that safety.

Thoughts?

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

It is likely that your friends do feel safe as a result of your queerness.

That being said, I recommend making romantic overtures to people who aren’t already comfortably settled into your friend group.

It’s possible a romance can blossom with women you have already established yourself with, but that is likely to be slower growth than someone you initially approached with the intent of romance.

Part of safety in a group also means clarity in the parameters of the friendship.

I would make it casually clear that you are into women, but it may be a good idea to have them set you up rather than pursue them directly.

TL;DR don’t fuck your friends, it’s an unnecessary complication 90% of the time.

Honestly,

The Crone

Hello Daniel and greetings, Crone,

I am currently in a relationship with a man I have known (and briefly dated…ouch) for a long time.

I am not a smooth pane of glass. I am stained glass of many different pains.

I am 33 years old and terrified. I hold myself back, but I want to fawn over him and try to satisfy control.

Not of him but of the situation. (😵‍💫) I don’t want to trip myself up.

Sincerely,

Thank You for Listening.

Dear Listening,

Your awareness is already the first step.

Clearly, you can see that your past experiences have given you a desire for control and to dote on your partner.

The latter is not a negative.

Fawn on him!

So long as it is in a way he enjoys.

But in the instances that trigger a need for control, you must deliberately counteract.

Recognize the anxiety and what it is driving you to do, and slowly force yourself to see that things will be okay, even if you aren’t 100% in charge.

It will be distinctly uncomfortable at first.

But just as you have had 33 years of stained glass to make a beautiful picture, so has he (unless you’re a cougar, in which case, werk).

And so you have to trust in his decision-making without you being there to ensure he makes the “right” choice.

Sometimes it’s as hard, and as easy, and taking an extra moment to process.

Gently,

The Crone

Hi Crone,

My boyfriend is constantly busy with school, among other things, and he is especially preoccupied at the moment because he isn't doing so well.

Valentine’s Day has just come and gone, and usually, he gives me a card or some flowers, but this year, he completely forgot.

I don't know if it's just because he is busy, or if he genuinely doesn't care enough to remember.

I feel horrible for being needy, but my love language is also giving and receiving gifts.

Yours guiltily,

Forgotten

Dear Forgotten,

I’m going to be a bit of an old witch for a moment.

Did you do anything to make Valentine’s Day special, or were you just hoping he would add it, unprompted, to his list of stuff to do to make you feel appreciated?

You say your love language is giving gifts as well.

Did you?

And would it have been a big deal if you got him something and he didn’t reciprocate?

It doesn’t sound like you’re being needy, dearie, it sounds like you’re being inconsiderate.

You, yourself, claim that he isn’t doing so well.

What are you doing to help him?

The part of you whispering that he “genuinely doesn’t care” is an insecurity that is not conducive to the function of your relationship.

And if you let external, arbitrary (Catholic festival) dates determine whether you feel secure in the relationship, it’s going to cause issues down the road.

You wanted to be romanced and shown that he thought about you on Valentine’s Day.

That is completely understandable.

But given the circumstances that have occurred, it may be time to act like the partner you want right now.

Reflecting-ly,

The Crone

Dear Crone & Daniel,

My family is struggling with my uncle who has a poorly managed mental disability.

He has been increasingly cruel and bitter, especially towards me and my younger brother.

Recently, he caused a huge stress for my dad (his POA) but has no remorse or gratitude.

I should be kinder to him because he doesn’t know better and feels mistreated for being different, but I can’t stand looking him in the eye now.

Any advice?

Oldest (Grand)Daughter

Dear O(G)D,

Depending on your family dynamic. This may be a time for communication with your father, or it may be a time to grit your teeth.

I do not know the severity of your uncle’s condition, nor do I know your and your brother’s ages.

If you are younger, I think it would be appropriate to bring up your concerns with your father, as he is the man literally in charge of your uncle.

However, this may also be the time when you are full of rage and just… bear it.

It’s an awful feeling, and more than likely, you will find yourself dealing with guilt.

Please know that your anger, or even disgust, is understandable— words can hurt, regardless of the mental state of the person saying them.

But you show up anyway.  

Even if you can’t look him in the eye.

This is what it means to be a part of a family, and I will caution that you may regret trying to distance yourself from him in the long term.

Of course, if your uncle ends up seeking to harm you, that is an entirely different concern and one that should be addressed immediately.

But the right thing can often be showing up, even if you haven’t forgiven your uncle for his behavior yet.

This situation is not your fault, nor is it your uncle’s, but unfortunately, the discomfort of the scenario remains.

His words may be cruel and bitter, but it doesn’t change the fact that he needs help.

And even if your uncle is not grateful, your father will be that you were there.

Reassuringly,

The Crone

Read the previous question in Edition #46: The Abridged Version 

Dear Crone/Daniel,

Thank you for your advice and I will put some serious self reflection on this.

I've never had anyone tell me to stop doing this from an outside view.

Gratefully,

ExhaustedEldestDaughter

Dear EldestDaughter,

Sometimes, change is as simple as hearing the words from outside your own head.

A different perspective, even one given by a crazy old witch, can often be the kickstart we need.

Take it slowly and trust yourself.

You have a collection of readers that are rooting for you!

Love,

The Crone

Read the previous question in Edition #40: Repeat After Me: "I Am Worthy of Self Promotion"  

Dear Crone,

I had written in previously asking about a family friend, who happens to be a guy, and we both happen to be single.

He went back home after Christmas and nothing happened... until now.

I currently have a plane ticket to go see him (ironically on valentines day) and I'm freaking out.

He's a really great guy (typically, my type is a red flag), and I don't know how to feel about him.

He is very nice and respectful and seems like an overall green flag but I'm freaking out.

Any advice?

Delusional Hopeless Romantic (from Jan. 6)

Dear DHR,

Well, what’s the tea, dearie?

It’s February 24th???

I’m hoping things went well!

The advice I’m going to give for now is what I share for any new relationship (or potential one).

Show up.

Be open to the newness of the experience and be flexible as you learn about each other and deepen your relationship.

You have a fondness for red flags, so keep your eyes peeled, but do not let that drive you to paranoia.

People can make mistakes without being toxic, so you will need to assess the sincerity of their apologies should it come up.

Clearly, you aren’t delusional, dearie.

I look forward to seeing what’s next.

Nosily,

The Crone