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Dear Crone,

Over a year ago, I asked a close friend, whom I met through D&D, on a date.

We became official quickly, though it’s both our first relationship.

Her physical health, which I knew was poor, worsened significantly after we got together, limiting our time together.

Distance and her illness make it hard to connect.

I care deeply but feel unsure if she feels the same.

Attempts to discuss this fail due to anxiety and infrequent meetings.

I’m lost and overwhelmed.

Disjointedly,

A Ball of Confused Feelings

Dear ABOCF,

The only way to clarify the way forward is to have that discussion, as uncomfortable or painful as it may be.

If verbal communication is the issue, I invite you both to write down your concerns before sharing them— it can break the ice on the topic and get the ball rolling.

You will need to actually speak about this, but outlining your thoughts beforehand always helps. 

However, understand that if you’re lost and overwhelmed, you also need to be clear on what you need out of this relationship.

Your partner’s health is absolutely a facet, but it does not prevent you from having requirements in your relationship— nor should it.

I want you to reframe this, this is not a deception or persuasion check but rather an insight check for both your sakes.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How do you move on from an ex from 3 years ago?

My ex and I were in a relationship for nine months, and things ended very toxic because she double-played me with the girl she told me not to worry about.

In all of this, I got an eating disorder and healed, but I want to move on completely. I want to be free.

I feel like I have this chain attached to me and have severe trust issues.

I also want a boyfriend. How do I move forward back into the world of love?

Longingly,

A Very Lonely Hibiscus

Dear VLH,

There is never a set point that defines getting over an experience— whether that is an event or a person.

Instead, the progress you seek comes in training yourself away from your previous emotional state.

You focus on your trust issues and your health despite how your ex may have affected those things.

You move forward by prioritizing your desire for a healthy partner, not as compared to your ex, but based on what you now need.

You are, in fact, already doing this to some degree, as you have not let the impact of your ex shut down your desire for new relationships—though being ready for that may still be difficult.

I always recommend speaking to a professional but understand that your growth in this regard may not be linear.

You will have to learn to trust your instincts and experiences again, which will be a matter of time.

Be patient with yourself.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I've been single for life and likely will remain single for life.

The thing is, I come from a culture where polygamy is normal on the male side, not encouraged but normal, and I've been aggressively pursued by married men my whole adult life to be a second wife.

Every time this happens my confidence takes a fatal blow, and I keep thinking maybe there's something wrong with me that keeps attracting these people.

Help, what do I do?

Sincerely,

Typecast

Dear Typecast,

To start, I’m going to caution against blaming yourself for being pursued.

If you are surrounded by men of the same cultural background as yours, that is likely the only factor in why this situation keeps popping up.

There is a dichotomy between your conviction in your single lifestyle and the way these men affect your confidence.

And I’ll ask you to consider whether that is because you would want to be a first wife or the only wife.

If it is the former, that is a matter of time and engagement within your community, and if it’s the latter, that is more about finding someone with similar views on polygyny.

If you don’t want to get married, that is certainly an option, but you’ll have to be confident enough in your decision that someone seeking your hand doesn’t affect you.

I merely want to stress it is likely the only thing you’re doing is being an identifiable member of your community, which may be why men feel comfortable enough to broach the idea of this kind of marriage in the first place.

Basically, unless your shirt says “Ask Me to Be Your Second Wife,” it’s not you.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Daniel,

I have been writing romantasy for almost three years now for a phone app.

I’m getting popular and have gained enough confidence to take the next steps and dream bigger.

My problem is this: my family.

They are very religious and basically wrote me off when I started dating someone who wasn’t the same religion as them.

It wasn’t until we were married that they cooled it, unable to stand against it as per the Bible.

Should I or shouldn't I tell them about my writing?

And how?

Curiously,

To stir the pot, or not to stir the pot

Dear Stir,

From a purely personal perspective, I don’t believe in complicating one’s familial relationships for the sake of honesty.

Not because it will harm them but because who wants to deal with that kind of headache?

You are a married, independent adult with enough to handle without adding a passive-aggressive phone call from your mother.

If they ask about your work, you can be honest, but I think the key here is to treat it as something minor.

Don’t diminish your work, but rather than a sit-down-style dramatic coming-out story, it can be a passing comment while visiting for the holidays.

At the end of the day, family like this will always have some sort of issue with your lifestyle.

That’s on them.

Pick your battles.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My fiancé’s sister is one of my bridesmaids, and, to be frank, she sucks.

She’s apparently gossiped behind my back about how I’m non-binary for attention, but my future MIL wants me to “think on” kicking SIL out because of tradition or whatever.

My fiancé is on my side, but we’re both worried about not seeing our nephew again and her being an even bigger jerk than usual.

How do I even begin to go about this?

Somewhat Irately,

NB

Dear NB,

To start, I’m sorry that your future SIL is, as Daniel would say, a fucking poes.

Unfortunately, you may have to be the mature one.

Ask yourself: Is the drama of un-bridesmaid-ing her worth the fallout and nonsense that will likely occur, or can you grit your teeth and enjoy the rest of your special day?

Especially with your nephew in the mix, sometimes it is just easier to roll your eyes and ignore her.

Of course, she is being hurtful, and you could theoretically address this, but these types are not normally receptive to healthy communication strategies.

If you do go that route, it will have to be a one-on-one; she will feel ganged up on otherwise and will likely feel attacked regardless of how you approach this.

I say save yourself the headache.

So she sucks.

You know she sucks.

I know she sucks.

16,000+ other people know she sucks.

If all you need her to do is let her walk down an aisle, worry about the rest of your wedding instead.

You’ll have more important situations to handle.

Acceptingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’ve been rediscovering my fashion sense lately, and it’s not average.

I don’t think I can go out in public and draw attention to myself by being so different.

However, I am similarly self-conscious in outfits that I don’t enjoy.

Help?

Chivalrously,

Secretly Medieval

Dear Secretly Medieval,

Based on your delightful name, I assume you prefer to dress for a bygone era.

While I don’t recommend clanking around in a full suit of armor (because spring is coming up), perhaps you can identify what elements from the medieval side of fashion are so enjoyable to you and incorporate that with more modern wear.

Ruffles, headwear, or doublets can all toe the line between modern-day and medieval.

It could even become a creative project for you.

I would also suggest looking into events that feature these styles of dress; Renaissance fairs prove you are not the only one with this kind of taste.

Lastly, jewelry.

Necklaces, earrings, and rings are all subtler ways to express oneself and one’s interests.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear SM,

On the more anecdotal side, I just walked home from a pole performance covered in UV-reactive makeup and glitter.

I had white slashes under my eyes and sparkled like a mermaid.

The only person to comment on this was the employee at BC Liquor as I was buying a bottle of tequila.

“So, what’s going on with you tonight?”

Nobody, and I mean nobody, ever notices the people around them for longer than a few seconds at a time.

Sparklingly,

Daniel

Dear Crone and Daniel:

POLE DANCING.

I'm three years in and struggling with anything that isn't an elbow grip Ayesha.

I know everyone's body types and strengths are different, but it's hard to not feel like I'm falling behind :(

Spiraling,

Inverted Helion

Dear Inverted,

Frustration within the pole community is probably the only thing more common than bruises.

My vessel has heard and felt everything that you are going through right now.

So, instead of focusing on others, I encourage you to look back on the way you moved when you first started, just to give yourself some perspective.

If you have any older videos, take the time to compare how far you have come since then.

Simply,

The Crone

Dear Inverted Helion,

I managed to get my Phoenix before my shoulder-mount X-grab.

My true grip ayesha is genuinely stronger than my inside leg hand…. and probably my outside, too.

I am not capable or, nor have I ever successfully done, an elbow-grip Ayesha.

There is no behind when the path isn’t linear.

Comparison is the thief of joy, but the fastest way to improve is by being surrounded by those who are stronger in areas you’re struggling with.

It’s irritating.

Trust me, the day the Crone figures out a Brew to give me the muscle mass of Taron Egerton with the flexibility of a Cirque du Soleil contortionist, it’s over for a lot of bitches.

But until then, even if you’re frustrated, the best thing you can do is show up.

Love,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I have a flirty friendship with a guy in a LDR.

Figured that was just how our friendship worked until he offered to loan me his sweatshirt while out of town for a couple months.

I laughed it off but now I'm confused.

What do I do?

Curiously,

Confused Friend

Dear Confused Friend,

You return the sweatshirt and start talking to a man who is actually available.

There’s nothing to do because nobody worth your time is going to cheat on their partner.

It’s nice that he offered you his sweatshirt, it may even mean something, but until he is single, your one obligation is an errand in the form of returning it.

Wash it first if you’re feeling polite.

Honestly,

The Crone

O Crone,

My only two friends whom I’ve known most of my life go to a different university than me.

While it wasn’t as much of a bother the first year, I now feel really distant from them.

These two whom I would’ve easily said everything to before, now have their own inside jokes and talk about stuff I have no context about.

What do I do with these overwhelming feelings of loneliness??

Sadly,

Drowning in FOMO

Dear FOMO,

Many friendships rely on physical proximity, and as disappointing as it is, they will be closer by virtue of spending so much more time together.

This is not because of a mistake you made, but it is the reality.

You now have the opportunity to develop new adult relationships with the people you meet in classes, office hours, and interest groups, and you will slowly find yourself in a similar position with your own inside jokes and conversations.

You remain in contact with them, but understand that you are not missing out, you are simply having a different experience.

A change in friendship dynamics is not the end of that friendship, merely a new chapter.

Delicately,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Was I wrong for telling my grandmother she can't be upset that I don't respect her when she doesn't care that she lost my respect in the first place?

Pointedly,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

Were you incorrect?  

Probably not.

Will it achieve any sort of meaningful resolution or desired outcome?

Probably not.

Even justifiable righteous indignation is useless towards those who don’t listen.

But I will say that barring extremely notable, identifiable situations¹, sometimes nodding your head and just being polite gets you a lot farther than anything else.

Without accusing you, I will also suggest you mind your tongue and don’t say something you’ll regret.

Delicately,

The Crone

Read the previous question in Edition #48: The Annual Special! 

Dear Crone,

Remember when I hit my friend with my car?

I picked her up from the airport at 7 am and treated her to McDonald’s to get her forgiveness.

She has forgiven me but refuses to let me parallel park again if she’s in/near the car.

Success!!!

Sequentially,

Kneecap Eliminator

Dear Kneecap Eliminator,

Thank you for this incredibly important update.

Might I recommend buying her a book before the next time you attempt to parallel park?

Also, warn her that if it somehow happens a second time, it is definitely her fault.

Stay safe… and maybe practice in an empty lot.

Laughingly,

The Crone