Dear Crone,

I am a lesbian.

I have this best friend (she’s bisexual) and I think she’s into me.

We’ve kissed a few times, but it could be platonic.

We’ve been best friends for a few years, so much so that I think we’ve surpassed the best friend category and entered the grey space in between friends and partners.

I don’t want to ruin the friendship.

If I lose her, it’ll ruin my life. What should I do?

Sincerely,

A hopeless lesbian.

Dear AHL,

I caution against muddying the lines between partner and friend, as it can unnecessarily confuse both parties.

To start, ensure you are on the same page in terms of your expectations with each other.

The surest way to lose her is to accidentally hurt your friend due to a miscommunication.

Additionally, there is the question of whether you are into her. 

Based on your writing, you don’t seem particularly lovestruck, which is why you need to approach this situation with clarity.

Understand that if she wants something differently from you, that may make a friendship untenable… at least temporarily.

However, ignoring this or acting out of obligation will do far more harm.

Approach with caution, and approach with honesty.

Emphatically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’m a mom of 4, work 50+ hours per week of pretty intense physical labor, also cook, clean, shop, schedule appointments, etc.

My partner of 10 years has always been the stay-at-home parent since he’s not great with authority, follow-through, or reliability.

In the last couple years, he has started doing less and less.

I think I’m ready to leave, but don’t know if I can work without him watching our kids.

How can I convince him to help more?

Or should I just plan on walking away?

Sincerely,

Married Single Mom

Dear MSM,

Don’t make excuses for his behavior.

The purpose of a SAM parent is to handle the cooking, cleaning, shopping, appointments, etc.

Truthfully, I don’t understand what he is doing at this point.

There’s no such thing as an adult who struggles with authority, follow-through, or reliability— adulthood means handling stuff you don’t want to… that’s… kinda the whole point.

And then you get a drinking license for your troubles.

You don’t convince him, you tell him what you need.

If he’s adult enough to have four children, he’s adult enough to follow a recipe and use a mop.

If he can’t manage it, be prepared to contact a lawyer.

I don’t like suggesting the nuclear option, but based on what you’re saying, you’re doing it all by yourself, anyway.

He may have four children, but it sounds like you have five.

Tell him to step up, or he can figure out how to explain to a judge “a problem with authority” is why he can’t keep a job.

Firmly,

The Crone

Wisest Crone,

I’ve been in relationships.

But my xp is from HS and Uni, and it’s tainted w/ the naïveté that love will conquer all, even if it shouldn’t.

Now that I’m a fully fledged adult w/ a bank account and bills, I’m lost in the world of adult dating.

Half of ppl out here are trying to lock down their life partner tomorrow, and half would like the perks of a partnership w/o the commitment.

Is there a middle ground?

How do I find it?

What should I ask for from potential Prince(ss) charmings?

Curiously,

Still a Stranger

Dear SaS,

I don’t know if there is a middle ground between casual and commitment.

You can’t really commit to a partner halfway, after all.

If you’re looking for long-term compatibility, then you’re dating seriously, which will attract a specific type.

If you want the perks of partnership without commitment, that will draw another.

Of course, if you’re trying to avoid the “ring by spring” kind of people, my advice is to get out of Salt Lake.

But besides the actual crazies, you just need to show up to a date and get to know the person.

You should ask them what they want in terms of commitment, exclusivity, and their plans.

Don’t start with the preferred number of children, but adult dating is about finding someone you’re compatible with.

And make sure you know what you want, because that can change depending on previous relationships.

The way you find anything is by showing up and asking them questions.

And remember, you don’t need to commit to something you dislike.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Hello Daniel and Crone,

I hope you're well, and I love your content.

I'm sure you get this question a lot, but I'll try my luck anyway.

For context, I see a therapist regularly and am usually able to manage, but lately I feel stuck and behind.

I am so happy for my friends and family who have created the lives they've wanted for themselves (marriage, kids, eat-pray-love trips, etc.), but I spent so much time climbing out of a dark place that now I feel like it's too late for me.

What do I do?

Curiously,

rahthesungod

Dear rahthesungod,

Healing is not linear, and neither is life.

I want to make it clear that your focusing on your mental health is not the obstacle to your goals— if anything, neglecting the work you needed to do would have been far more damaging.

I understand there are things you want now, but it is your climb that has best prepared you to receive them.

The answer to “What do I do?” is whatever you want.

Continue therapy, focus on your goals both personally and professionally, and pursue them.

Date with the knowledge that you want commitment (presumably), children, etc.

Save with the goal of your dream vacation.

The only disservice you can do to yourself is to put all this work in and not take it somewhere.

You’re not behind, you’re on a different path.

Give yourself the grace to follow it.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have a very close online friend who’s felt ignored by me of late.

He started becoming very passive-aggressive, and I confronted him about it.

He threatened to end the friendship; I asked him if we could keep trying, as I can’t lose another close person in my life.

He relented.

However, he refuses to take any responsibility for his actions, and I am exhausted from trying not to provoke him by bringing it up.

I’m anxious all the time.

I’ve lost too many friends to lose him too, but I’m so tired.

Help,

Everything is Falling Apart

Dear Everything,

It’s not your job as a friend to not provoke him; it’s to communicate clearly.

Something he appears incapable of doing.

Similarly, he doesn’t appear able to apologize, behave appropriately when upset, or communicate maturely.

Which makes me want to ask what you’re getting out of this “friendship.”

You’re afraid of losing him, which is understandable, but what would you lose?

How would your day be negatively affected if you suddenly stopped being responsible for this man’s tantrums?

You shouldn’t have to beg to be a part of someone’s life, and the fact that he threatens to leave you is exceptionally manipulative behavior.

I’m going to be honest here: let him do it.

You’ll be fine.

You’re worthy of people who can express themselves healthily, and you shouldn’t settle for less.

Bluntly,

The Crone

Dearest Crone (and Daniel),

Ya girl has the Big Sad.

After 3 years, I found a combo of therapy, medication, and physical activity that works.

I can tell because I actually feel like doing things again.

How do you find the time to do everything??

Between working and the aforementioned physical activity requirement, I feel like I participate in one hobby at the expense of another.

If I choose gardening one evening, I don’t have time to sew.

If I choose sewing,

I don’t have time to read.

Sincerely,

Asking Strangers (faster than getting an appointment with my therapist)

Dear Asking,

I wish I knew, dearie.

I’m proud of you for trying things out until it worked, but welcome to adulthood.

This is what it means to balance responsibilities— and taking care of yourself is as much an obligation as any other job.

There are two options here:

1. Create a highly detailed weekly schedule and stick to it, so you always know where you will be and what you’ll be doing.

2. Wake up earlier

To clarify, I am NOT fond of option number two, but if you’re trying to fit everything into a single day, that may be necessary.

Otherwise, allow yourself to divvy up your hobbies and interests across the week; the variety will keep things fresh!

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’m too embarrassed to ask a rabbi or a scholar this question, so I’m asking you.

Could sucking dick and swallowing be kosher?

I know blood isn’t kosher, and you’re not harming the dude you’re sucking off (unless he wants you to) so is it kosher?

Questioning Kosher

Dear Questioning,

Seeing as Daniel’s mother reads the newsletter, I’m going to make him answer!

Maniacally,

The Crone

Dear Kosher,

To my knowledge, when it comes to sex, most actions in the bedroom are allowed so long as they bring your partner pleasure.

This includes oral, toys, and just about anything else that isn’t illegal or immoral.

However, there is a direct prohibition on “wasting seed,” which is considered to be any situation that doesn’t end in… for lack of a better term, I’m going to say “twinkie” if you catch my drift.

Thus, swallowing would be unkosher, not due to the act of consumption itself but because it would be a waste of a man’s ejaculation.

Naturally, you will likely find 47 differing opinions on this topic, so I am quite curious as to what your rabbi says.

If you work up the nerve, feel free to let us know!

Laughingly,

Daniel

Dear Crone/Daniel,

I’ve discovered your Spotify n it’s sublime.

Your eloquence n delivery have me teetering between enjoying the mastery at hand, n wanting to stab you in the eye for making it seem so damn easy.

My q: how is Klaus not the favourite?

I rabidly agree that he is ALWAYS the problem, but his unhinged arrogance n reactions are what make him so delicious (I know, seek therapy).

Legit though, how often do we get to see characters damn the consequences to this level?

Unless True Blood?

Brat Bait Because You Asked For It

Dear Brat,

I fully understand Klaus’ appeal, but my issue is moreso that his “damn the consequences” mindset always snowballs into something worse.

If he actually thought things through and maintained normal, civil relationships with people, he wouldn’t be constantly swarmed by individuals thirsting for revenge.

Additionally, he has a habit of betraying his siblings, often out of sheer arrogance and the belief that he is making the right decision, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Frustratedly,

The Crone

Dear Bait,

Honestly?

I dated a Klaus.

Sure, her jawline was a bit different, but her penchant for causing issues out of nowhere and somehow making it my problem was an almost supernatural trait.

I got caught up in all the bullshit and she didn’t shapeshift, hypnotize people, kill for me, or own real estate.

So maybe it’s jealousy?

Honestly,

Daniel

Hi Crone,

I need some advice about my mum.

So, unfortunately, life has not been easy right now, and I've fallen into a major depression (I’m getting support and help).

On top of this, my mother is dealing with some really serious health issues, and I don’t know what to do.

I really want to help her, but I can’t even sleep properly, nor can I handle leaving my room, let alone my bed, but I feel solely responsible for her health.

What should I do?

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

To start, I’m glad that you are getting the help that you need.

However, if your mom also needs help and you are unable to provide it, you should explore other avenues to support her.

I understand you cannot help someone properly if you are also struggling, but there is a middle ground where you can find someone or some way to support them.

Keep focusing on your mental health, but communicate with your mother about what she needs.

You don’t have to do everything, but I genuinely believe there are ways to assist her, even if it’s dealing with emails from your bed.

Also, make sure your support group is aware of the situation; it’s okay to ask for help from your village.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I was in a catastrophic motor vehicle accident.

It was two transport trucks vs my little Ford.

This resulted in TBI, the loss of my career, and me being on federal & provincial disability at the age of 33.

I have two wonderful children, and I am grateful to be alive.

However, I feel like I have lost my muchness.

A lot of the things that made me - Me.

I am struggling with this new person.

Do you have any advice on finding my muchness again?

I want to live, not exist.

Thank you,

Missing Muchness

Dear Muchness,

I hope you understand that our readers and I are also grateful that you are here.

Acceptance is going to be a long journey, as this has made you a new person.

I highly recommend meeting with a therapist and exploring support groups for individuals who have had similar experiences.

One of the best things for you is the assurance that you are not alone and there are people who can understand you.

But I push back against the belief that you have lost your muchness so much as it has changed.  

Wherever you feel your muchness has come from, you will need to adapt the outlet to your new situation.

This will take patience and understanding that the grief, anger, and pain that arise are a natural part of this process.

It may feel like you are just existing for a while, but that is the first step.

You are more than this accident, and recovery may not be linear, but your muchness is there.

With all my love and support,

The Crone

Read the previous question in Edition #42: 45 Seconds of Ban Time 

Dear Crone,

I just listened to the first episode of DCW on Spotify and decided to give you an update on my absent dad.

He’s really trying, but I can tell he has no idea what the hell he’s doing.

He texted me the other day asking me for the best way to connect with his other kid, my older brother (who also wants to meet me apparently), and I’m a bit conflicted because I don’t know my brother or how he’d feel seeing our dad.

Any advice?

Too Much Father

Dear Too Much Father,

I’m so glad to hear from you!

While I think it’s appropriate to remain a bit guarded and firm with your boundaries, this is the correct behavior from his end.

In terms of how he can connect with your older brother, tell him what you think is working, if you want to.

You say he’s trying, encourage the specifics!

Only meet your brother if that is something you are comfortable with, and you can communicate that you may not be ready yet.

You don’t need to mediate between him and your dad; that will be on your father to reach out, and your brother to respond according to what is best for him.

Take it slowly, and focus on your relationship (or interest in one) with each of them separately.

Don’t overwhelm yourself.

Cautiously,

The Crone