Hi Crone (and Daniel!),

I’m a disaster of a lesbian.

I’m an extremely private, autistic, and I can’t keep a relationship for more than three months.

I’m upfront about my unwillingness to talk about my sexuality or relationships with my family (they can tell theirs) and my caution around sex.

They always say it’s fine, but inevitably, it’s what causes the breakup.

What do I do?

Is it even worth looking for someone?

Ray of Sunshine

Dear Ray,

I don’t see why it wouldn’t be worth it to look for a partner if you want one, but simultaneously, if you know the stressors for your relationships, why aren’t you addressing them?

I’m less concerned regarding your privacy with your family; there are any number of reasons to avoid sharing personal information with them, trust me, I understand that.

But your caution, as you describe it, seems to be another factor.

Have you ever considered speaking to a professional about this?

Barring an asexual partner, being closed off sexually is a reasonably clear deterrent to most people.

You aren’t wrong for being cautious, but that behavior is likely bleeding into other aspects of your attempt to connect with people.

I’d dive into those feelings more and see if maybe you can help yourself open up in that way.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

In January, I met the man I thought I’d marry.

For the first time, I truly believed I had a person, he said he was in a polyamorous relationship (fuckin hate that.) and I said, well, that’s not for me, so if you want me, you’ll need to be monogamous.

Things were going well.

We clicked on every single way, and sex was heavenly.

Then a friend of mine messaged the woman he was involved with.. I found out he lied, he lives with her, and they’ve been monogamous for a year, according to her.

He started to block me to “just calm her down,” then he added me back, hiding my name.

I begged him to choose me.

To love me.

To give me a chance cuz I’d give him everything he wanted.

He said he just wanted to see if she was his person and let fate decide if we were meant to be.

Well, the first time we slept together, we made love to a sleep token song.

The next time he saw me, he kissed me deeply (yes, this was after the gf found out about us... he still came to see me) kissed me and the only word he could get out was “dangerous” after he spewed this crap about letting fate choose.

Sleep Token came out with a song titled Dangerous.

And despite choosing HER.

He still messages me every day on snap, still calls me pet names.

Still sexts me.

He’s cheating on her, yet he still won’t be with me.

And for some stupid reason... I can’t let go.

Or give up.

Please help me cuz this pain is making me wanna die.

I love him and just want to be chosen and loved for once in my life.

I’m sorry I took 3 parts for this.

But I really don’t know what to do.

Why is he okay with cheating on her, but lives with her and dates her, and he won’t choose me?

Why am I clinging to this man who won’t love me?

I’m 31, a single mom.

Am I stupid or broken?

Cyndi

Dear Cyndi,

I HEARTILY encourage questioners to keep their write-ins under the 500-character limit, but, dearie, today I have time.

We’re going to break this down with quotations.

“So if you want me, you’ll need to be monogamous.” — Excellent, clear communication. Well done.

“He lied, he lives with her, and they’ve been monogamous for over a year, according to her.” — Oh no.

“I begged him to choose me.” — Dearie, he has chosen nobody other than himself.

“To give me a chance cuz I’d give him everything he wanted.” — No, you can’t because he wants two women and their emotional turmoil, as he cheats on them.

“He just wanted to see if she was his person and let fate decide.” — He wanted to keep you on the side in case he gets bored with her.

“And despite choosing HER.” — Again, he hasn’t chosen anyone but himself.

“He still messages me every day on snap, still calls me pet names. Still sexts me.” — Again, keeping you on standby. What grown man uses Snapchat? Ick.

“He’s cheating on her, yet still won’t be with me.” — Because you’re only useful to him as a side piece.

“And for some stupid reason… I can’t let it go. Or give it up.” — Yes, you can.

“Please help me cuz this pain is making me want to die.” — Okay, block him. Don’t explain. Don’t elaborate. Forward all of his sexts to the woman he is cheating on, and never communicate with him again.

“I love him and just want to be chosen and loved for once in my life.” — Then why are you talking to a man who isn’t choosing you?

“Why is he okay with cheating, but lives with her and dates her, and he won’t choose me.” — You’re only appealing to him as a side chick.

“Why am I clinging to this man who won’t love me?” — You’re bored, presumably.

You are neither stupid nor broken.

You’re a romantic who was looking for the best in a guy who is just, frankly, an ass.

Why would you want someone who would so clearly cheat on you, even if he did “pick” you?

Dearie, you are so much better than this.

Truly, this man is not worth your time.

In the name of Hecate, may his blood pressure ruin his erections and may he be struck with a testosterone deficiency.

I can’t convince you of your worth, but I can absolutely tell you it’s more than this.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone (and Daniel),

A few years ago, I was dating a married couple, and to say things ended poorly would be an understatement.

Now, I'm seeing someone, but it's not as serious as I'd like, even if it feels unfair to ask for much from him, due to various factors like chronic pain and mental illness.

Lately, I've just been feeling aimless, and it may be burnout-related, but even when doing something creative, it doesn't give as much fulfillment as it used to.

Is something wrong with me?

Beach Dog

Dear Beach Dog,

It probably feels like burnout because it is burnout.

If your current partner can’t progress to the level that you want, assuming that’s a permanent inability, it’s a waste of time.

It sounds like you need a break, dearie.

Potentially from your relationship, but just in general as well.

There’s nothing wrong with you, but being exhausted can only be treated with rest.

Find out what form that needs to take, and give yourself that time off.

If you need more time to process the end of your throuple, I’d recommend speaking to a professional as well.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Recently, I came out to a rather conservative family member.

Now, they aren’t like hardcore conservative, but they are extremely religious.

When I told them, they told me it didn’t change the fact that they loved me, but they’ve started drifting away from my family, and I can’t help but think it might be my fault.

What do I do?

Pained Pansexual

Dear Pained Pansexual,

If your family member had merely drifted away from you, I would assume that it was related to your sexuality.

But given that they’ve drifted away entirely, is it possible they have an issue with something else?

Is their religiosity clashing with other aspects of your family life?

Obviously, there is a chance that they don’t agree with your family’s acceptance of your sexuality, but regardless, there is little you can do.

If your family member wishes to step back, let them.

Your sexuality is nobody’s business but yours, and so long as you are safe to do so, be open about who you are.

Maybe they need processing time, maybe it’s completely unrelated.

Regardless, you decided to be open with them, and how they handle that is entirely up to them.

Don’t stress yourself over it.

Simply,

The Crone

Hello Crone & Daniel,

I have recently (Oct. '24) left an abusive relationship and am living back at home.

I want my own place but I am planning to go to grad school and everything is SO expensive.

I have had an offer to remain here but, I feel like a failure?

Yeah that I’m living with my mom for the next 3 years.

What would you advise??

Perpetually Suffocated

Dear Perpetually,

Honestly, I highly recommend saving money where you can, especially when getting back on your feet after an abusive relationship.

To start, getting into grad school is a fantastic achievement, so you definitively are not failing, but I don’t think adding additional stressors right at the beginning is necessary.

You can continue to look for housing accommodations that work with your budget, but nothing says you can only move out before grad school starts.

Sure, family is suffocating, it’s like their one job, but do you know what else is suffocating?

Rent you can’t afford.

Get started with school, see how you’re balancing your schedule, and then see how getting your own place could help/hinder your progress.

Your main priority now is your classes, and you won’t regret saving money for three years.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dearest Crone and Daniel,

Any kind words?

Advice?

Outsider insight to help me unfuck the scramble that is my brain?

I've lost multiple pregnancies & have been trying for years.

Everyone I know is having babies.

I love these women & their kids.

I'm happy for them.

But I also find myself jealous.

Then I hate myself for being jealous.

Therapy is expensive, and a psych degree isn't helping me doctor myself, so do you have anything to help me hate myself just a little less?

Sincerely, and gratefully,

Always the Auntie, Never the Mama

Dear Auntie,

Be jealous.

It sucks to struggle for a milestone that people around you are getting to more easily.

You are welcome to that emotion, so long as it is not impacting the way you treat your friends and their children— obviously, that is easier said than done. So when it does surge, take time for yourself to feel it.

Suppressing it does nothing, and allowing the emotion to run wild will make it fade far more quickly than attempting to ignore it.

I do recommend therapy when that becomes a viable option, but in the meantime, permit yourself to feel everything.

Resentment only breeds where truth is stifled.

Be kind to yourself on this journey, and if you wish to, keep trying.

Love,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I was recently passed over for a promotion at my job.

I am now job searching for a new job, and my friend encouraged me to apply for his former job at his work.

We are in the same field.

He would be my supervisor, and it may impact our friendship if things don’t work out with this job.

The organization also has a strict and entitled work culture.

It’s the same job I do now, and it pays $15,000 more, and I would get a lot of great experience.

I am unsure if this is the right career move.

Sincerely,

Neapolitan Suit

Dear Suit,

From a career perspective, I think it’s a fantastic idea.

Good experience and a raise for the same position you’re currently working in?

Get to it!

Simultaneously, there is no reason to make this the only position you apply for.

If there are multiple openings at your friend’s company, maybe there is one where you don’t run the risk of being directly beneath him.

Additionally, you can always apply to similar positions at other firms as well!

I say send in your resume, we can worry about power dynamics and friendships after you get accepted!

Professionally,

The Crone

Wise Crone,

My baby daddy just got together with a new girlfriend very quickly after breaking up with his fiance.

The new girlfriend has 2 kids, ages 3 and 5, and we have one, age 4.

They have been officially together for a month or two now.

My main concern is how fast they have started having consistent sleepovers with all the kids in tow, when it is his weekend with our little one.

How do I bring up my concern without sounding like a bitter ex?

Concerned,

Trying to Avoid BabyMommaDrama

Dear Trying,

Honestly, I’d rather you sound like a bitter ex if it makes him listen.

I think it’s perfectly acceptable to ask that the sleepovers happen without your kid, at least for now.

It’s perfectly natural not to want a woman you don’t know in charge of your baby.

However, if their relationship progresses, I am going to recommend that you meet her so you can both be on the same page regarding your child.

Hopefully, she is a responsible parent, but until you have concrete proof, I say just ask.

Your ex can have whatever opinion about your motivations, but he should still respect your desires as the mother of his kid.

Directly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’m a 29-year-old lady, and I have no experience with men-dating, kissing, sex, or otherwise.

Over the past year and change, I’ve lost 100lbs and am finally starting to feel more confident in myself.

I’d actually be willing and able to make eye contact with and speak with a human man, but I have no clue how to do it.

Not to mention - I feel pretty pathetic as an almost 30-year-old woman who hasn’t even held someone’s hand.

Any advice?

Considering a Convent

Dear Considering,

Speaking to strangers is like any other skill.

You develop it over time.

Congratulations on your weight loss!

Now it’s time to step into the arena.

I always recommend going out in a pack, whether that’s girlfriends, coworkers, or hobbyists you’re friendly with, and seeing if there isn’t someone you can try chatting with.

The main thing to remember is that if things go well:

1) They are not entitled to every aspect of your backstory — you do not need to rush to reveal your lack of experience if you don’t want to.

2) You don’t need to commit to anything more than a first whatever— date, picnic, hike, etc.

My advice is to avoid the online dating scene and go to social places where you feel most comfortable.

And let us know how it goes!

Romantically,

The Crone

Hey Crone,

I'm not sure if I should break up with my partner, and I know I'm avoidant, and that is causing the uncertainty.

Every time I've tried to address the issues that I have with them, it gets turned back on me.

I just don't feel heard or validated when I try to bring things up to them.

I know I need to work on myself- I want to be less avoidant, less stressed & reactive, more engaged - but being shut down and made to feel like the problem is making me feel small.

What do?

Avoidant Anon

Dear Anon,

Typically, avoidants flee when things are going well.

Given that your partner isn’t being receptive to your needs or concerns, I wouldn’t call this an avoidant flare-up.

You want something different than what your partner is offering, which is a very standard reason for a breakup.

If they’re stonewalling you, end it.

Regardless of your relationship status, you can always continue to work on yourself, and I will say that avoidant attachment is best discussed with a professional.

Straightforwardly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

This isn’t a submission for the advice column, but I didn’t have room in the 500 characters of my question to say how much I appreciate your newsletter and all your writing.

It’s been a place for reflection and comfort, and I’m so glad to have found it.

Thank you <3

Still wedding allergic, but you're the antihistamine

Dear Wedding Allergic,

The support we’ve seen for the newsletter continues to blow both Daniel and me away!

I greatly appreciate the time you took to follow up with your write-in, and I’m so glad to know that we have helped so many people in the little ways we can.

I hope you have freed yourself from the bridesmaid obligations!

(Anti)inflammatorily and with love,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have finished my first manuscript.

It was cathartic and made me feel proud of what I have accomplished.

I think it reads very well, and I think readers will adore the world I’ve created and want to immerse themselves in it once they start.

My question —and possible favor —is if I could have the Crone (and Daniel), of course, read the manuscript and give good, honest feedback.

Writer’s Doubt, Party of One

Dear Writer,

Congratulations on finishing your manuscript!

That’s an amazing milestone to achieve.

With reading requests, I always encourage people to send them to [email protected] with the understanding that I have a long list of ARCs I’m working through, and cannot guarantee a concrete timeline for completion.

In addition to that, if you’re interested, the Library Discord has a writing channel where you can connect with other writers and reviewers!

I would love to offer you (and anyone else interested) a free month of our Cronium tier on Patreon so you can check it out!

Love,

The Crone