Dear Crone,

I’m friends with a guy who’s amazing and kinda cute.

I didn’t think of him as more than a friend until everyone started pointing out that he treats me like a gf.

I’ve tried talking to him, but he insists that he only sees me as a friend, but continues treating me like a gf.

I don’t know how to handle this situation.

What do I do?

Very confused “friend”

Dear Confused,

You listen to him.

If he isn’t calling you his girlfriend, he’s not treating you like a girlfriend.

I don’t care if he wines, dines, and rails you.

Without that clear conversation and label, you guys aren’t anything.

You handle it however you want.

Keep enjoying the treatment if you so choose, but don’t mistake your position in his life.

Directly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I'm writing a couple romance novels, and some friends want me to add some spicy scenes, but spicy scenes make me uncomfortable to write (I'd rather read them).

What should I do?

Siren

Dear Siren,

The surest way to butcher any writing is to dislike the topic you’re putting down on paper.

Romance novels don’t require explicit scenes, and if your integrity or comfort requires you to skip to a morning after, that’s completely acceptable.

As fun as graphic literature can be, it will only remain so if you like what you’re putting out there.

Keep it subtle if you’d prefer, dearie.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’ve been hooking up with a close friend I can’t get over because we share a friend group.

We have a great friendship and connection, I can’t ghost him because of our group, and can’t seem to move on.

How do I start?

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

You.

Stop.

Fucking.

Him.

Genuinely, what more is there to do?

You don’t get over any addiction by continuing to use, drink, or partake in it.

Sex and emotional entanglement are the same way.

Stop boning him and focus on doing someone or something else.

Exasperatedly,

The Crone

To my favorite Crone and Daniel,

My best friend moved in with me for the summer, and I swear I will kill the little bastard in his sleep.

I love him, but I feel like my space was invaded, and like I am a mother to him.

The house is almost always a mess, I have to do the majority of the chores, and no matter what I say, things go back after 3 days.

I am not joking when I say I am exhausted, and wanting to either throw him out or commit a felony.

Any thoughts?

A Feral Witch

Dear Feral Witch,

This depends on the status of your living situation with him.

If he is formally subleasing, that’s a bit trickier, but if you’re doing him a favor by letting him crash at your place, you have a right to enforce your cleanliness standards.

You must have a serious sit-down conversation about him either stepping up or finding a new place to stay for the summer.

Now, this could cause issues between you two, but no more so than him trashing your place.

On a more passive note, maintain only your spaces, directly cleaning the areas you sit, cook, sleep in, etc.

Hopefully, he is mature enough to see the issue, and I will recommend that after he moves back out, you don’t invite him back next summer!

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My spouse is losing their job soon.

I have been the primary breadwinner for years and have savings to sustain us for a few months while she job hunts, but this brings up bad memories.

My estranged mother used to say she could never imagine me as the "provider" in a relationship.

For context, I always dreamed of being a novelist; she was trying to say I should get someone to support my dreams.

Now, though, the bad wording haunts me, and I am stressed.

Any words to dispel the haunting?

Midnight Novelist

Dear Midnight Novelist,

You don’t need words to dispel the haunting; you’ve already succeeded at providing.

You have savings for this worst-case scenario, and your spouse will be able to job hunt without scrambling.

You’ve done it.

I’m sorry you dealt with a mother who looked down on your career aspirations, maybe you can name a character after her and hit her with a car make her kind and supportive?

Best of luck to your spouse.

Make sure she knows she has 17,000+ people encouraging her.

And when your novel is finished, feel free to look into getting the word out here.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My (soon-to-be) brother-in-law keeps using infantilizing nicknames, but they're not super inappropriate, so I don't know how to approach it.

It's just like 'buddy, pal, kiddo,' and I don't like it.

I'm a fully grown woman, but he's older than me by a lot, so telling him is giving me pause, especially because we've only seen each other a handful of times.

Is it worth it to set this boundary, and should I do it before their wedding, or am I just being dramatic?

Losing it,

Anna

Dear Anna,

The way I would approach this is as casually as possible.

If you happen to see him before the wedding, you can bring it up privately.

If you don’t like it, you have every right to ask him to stop.

Simultaneously, you’re also welcome to reciprocate his energy and see how he responds.

Call him “champ”, “sport”, etc., and if he takes it good-naturedly, it may just be a force of habit on his end.

His age has nothing to do with you being able to tell him off, but I wouldn’t give the issue more credit than it’s worth by seeking him out for this conversation.

Honestly,

The Crone

Hi Crone!

I am writing because I am in a bit of a pickle.

Context: I own 6 chickens.

I am their sole caretaker. Recently, one of my chickens has fallen ill.

She has worms.

Fenbendazol, the solution, can only be purchased at a store a 45 minute drive from here.

Me, being 13, can't legally drive there.

I have brought this up with my parents, who are convinced that there is nothing we can do when, in fact, it’s a very simple fix.

I can't get it online as my phone has strict restrictions.

Any advice?

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

When it comes to an adult’s ignorance, ensure that you have thoroughly explained the solution.

Don’t say “I know what to do,” say “The chickens have worms, but fenbendazole is an effective treatment that we can get at X location for Y cost.”

Don’t assume they’re as knowledgeable about your chickens as you are.

Speaking of, your family's ability to afford it is another consideration here, and if you have the money yourself, that would also be a point in your favor.

If the finances are not a concern, could you arrange for a courier service to deliver it to you?

Depending on your location, Uber can provide a pick-up and drop-off for an item, so long as you inform both the store and the driver of the item in question.

You’re going to have to appeal to your parents on this one, dearie.

I hope they listen.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Hi Crone,

I recently just moved in with a roommate that I barely knew before the move.

There was a lot going on, and at the time, I had no choice.

But I now feel guilty every time I come home because I seem to keep finding issues with how he lives his life.

We have very different schedules, wildly different friends, and he has a way more active social life than I do.

I feel guilty all the time for every little thing I do to live my life.

How do I learn to embrace my new life?

At least for the next year,

GracieGirl

Dear GracieGirl,

Part of any life journey is learning to accept that other people live differently.

So long as he isn’t inviting dangerous individuals or risking your shared space, he’s entitled to do as he pleases.

You’ve already done step one, recognizing that your emotions aren’t his problem.

You want to embrace your new life?

Do things guiltily.

Keep at it until the feeling that you shouldn’t be enjoying this disappears.

(But don’t do cocaine)

Accept that just as he’s allowed to have his wildly different friends and social life, so are you able to do as you please.

It takes some getting used to, but practice makes perfect!

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I've spent 6 years renting in a very crappy apartment.

This has allowed me to save up a bit.

I'm BEYOND ready to move out of this ~shithole~, but am unsure if I should rent or buy my next place.

I don't know if buying is even realistic?

I'm 25 and not from a well-off family (I'm in Waterloo, Ontario).

Do you have any advice for how to move forward?

Sillymut

Dear Sillymut,

If you know exactly where you want to live for the next decade or longer, then you can consider buying.

Do the math, and maybe consider meeting with a financial advisor.

If you find an area that interests you, estimate how long you would live there and how much renting vs. buying would cost you.

Be cautious of informing anyone (family included) of your nest egg.

This is a new, positive situation, but one that requires prudence as much as excitement.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Why are like, 87% of your audience spiteful lesbians??

I mean, I’m all here for it, I am also a scissor sister, but, like………… why?

Jeanne

Dear Jeanne,

Real recognizes real.

Cliterally,

The Crone

Dearest Crone and Daniel,

I ended the friendship w/ him.

He asked why I'd become so distant & I answered w/ an emotionally intelligent response & he hit me w/ a "eh, fair enough."

So I took my leave.

But now I'm stuck feeling guilty for leaving and worrying about his mental state and how he might react.

And then I kick myself for thinking that.

How do I move forward from this lingering guilt??

Wilted Rose

Dear Wilted Rose,

For most other situations, I would say you simply stick to your guns, but these are the circumstances where you leave the door open.

You do care about him, but it is his behavior that has made your relationship untenable.

Suppose he gets professional help, escapes his toxic living situation, and stops slamming his head against the wall on his dating apps.

In that case, he may reach out, and you will need to assess whether he has made the progress necessary for you to allow him back into your life.

Let your guilt be tempered with the fact that you haven’t closed the door, merely left it open for him to step through.

Continue with your day-to-day knowing you made the right choice, as submitting yourself to his unhealed behavior was detrimental to both of you.

Gently,

The Crone