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Welcome to The Valthakan Times
Write In of the Week
Dearest Crone and Daniel,
Oh my gosh, you actually changed it to 501 characters.
I don’t need advice, but I wanted to ogle the fact that Rizzy Ray’s roast alluded to Assistant to the Villain!
That’s hilarious and amazing, and I 100% recommend reading!
Thank you for the laugh, and knowing others out there are suffering just as much as I am, I am waiting for the next book 😅
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
Consider the novel on our TBR!
Currently, the Discord is planning on covering The Black Dagger Brotherhood, so if that’s something that interests you, feel free to join us as we read the story of… oh my gods (worldbuilding) Wrath.
Perhaps that can be our next group read!
Literarily,
The Crone
Table of Contents
The End of Subtlety
Hello {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, orchard enthusiasts, honey canners, and fish head finders…
We have officially crossed 1,000 members of the Valthakan Literary Universe.
And it’s all thanks to throwing subtlety out the window. I forgot how many of you had a praise kink. So it bears repeating:
Follow the Patreon.
Free members get access to a ton of our content, and it supports us as we continue to make the stuff you love!
Plus, you get to brag to those who haven’t joined our community!
Yet.
Chop chop.
Good job, gorgeous.
Curious about what we offer? Take a peek at our latest Deep Dive, read it alongside The Wanderings of the Crone, Arc’s Journey, listen to our audiobook chapters, receive discounted merchandise, and join our Discord!
Whether it’s directly through The Valthakan Times, Patreon, or a one-time donation through Ko-Fi, we appreciate your support.
Thank you to everyone who wrote in this week!
Enjoy!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
Preview of The Worst Places for Your Mates to Meet Their Fates
5. Right After You Swore You Were Going to Work On Yourself
Look, it happens.
As you go through life, you realize you’re in a rut. You’re in desperate need of a change. Maybe it was ending things with a long-term partner, maybe it was just one too many online dating meet-ups, maybe it was dinner with your mother.
Something has to give.
You’re the High Priestess of the Vashirian Dao for the goddess’s sake! You have obligations and people relying on you, and you need to avoid burnout for the sake of the kingdom.
So, naturally, you’re taking some me time.
Or at least, that’s what you planned on doing if it weren’t for the person you made eye contact with at the market.
Maybe it’s the 6’18” Fae lord with spiral tattoos, red hair, and elongated canines.
Maybe it’s the goth baddie in a dress that looks like it was woven from black spider’s silk.
Maybe it’s just a guy named Steven, who makes you laugh and has a good credit score.
Either way, you’re fucked.
You can feel your plans melting before your eyes, your desire to finally learn how to draw, or bake, or sing, fading before the outrageous need to jump a complete stranger’s bones.
The issue here is quite simple: suppose you (or your characters) are meant to be improving emotionally, they have to keep going. A fated mate can be an excellent whetstone to grind yourself against, but only if you’re aware of the changes you’re trying to make.
Are you a workaholic? Allow your fated mate to take you out on a night on the town.
Do you often pursue meaningless sex as a dopamine hit? Perhaps allowing someone in emotionally could be the way forward.
Is your kingdom at risk of being consumed by an eldritch entity born of the space between stars? Maybe a fuck with someone who knows how to make you forget your mother tongue could be the relaxation you need to handle it.
Or maybe you need to sacrifice them to Gvordlineth, Devourer of Minds.
What? Not everyone gets a happy ending.
The key is that a fated mate should drive character development, not hinder it. The good news is that, depending on your temperament or that of your character, whether you dive in headfirst (like a slag) or heartily resist your unfairly attractive soul-partner, you have the opportunity to explore who you are in contrast to what the universe thinks you need.
Do you want to:
Read the completed Deep Dive
Access the previous 27 installments
Begin Arc’s Journey
Check out the Wanderings of the Crone
Listen to our audiobook chapters
Join The Library Discord
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Romance
L-O-V-E, what’s that spell?
Dear Crone,
I was in freshman year last year about halfway through and tried my hand at flirting.
Things were said that probably shouldn’t have been, such as a desire to see him with his shirt off at swim meets and saying he was hot, but now I have a conundrum.
One of his friends faked asking me out to a dance and is now milking it with the rest of their friends and being a grade A asshole.
I want to report them, but he could bring what I said last year into this.
What should I do?
Stressed,
Stranded Student
Dear Stranded,
Everyone has fucked up flirting before; it’s not a crime to accidentally make someone uncomfortable, as long as you don’t repeat those mistakes.
The fact that this event occurred over a year ago also means that it’s unlikely to come up in a discussion about his friend’s behavior.
That being said, I’m not sure what outcome you’re hoping to achieve by reporting him.
I truly think they aren’t worth your time.
If his friends are assholes, so is he.
I wouldn’t give these people the time of day.
Honestly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for over a year now.
We are planning our wedding and everything, but sometimes I feel like it’s too much for him.
He’s very noncommittal when it comes to discussing it, but he swears he wants to get married.
It doesn’t help that my mom still keeps up with my ex and brings him up all the time, even though we both have moved on.
I don’t know what to do.
Yours in the abyss,
Madhatter01
Dear Madhatter01,
As a broad generalization, men planning a wedding care about exactly two things.
Will his partner be present?
Actually, that’s it.
It’s still his wedding, but no man on the planet cares about the floral decorations, color palettes, or coordinating outfits.
They just don’t.
If you need help with planning, communicate with him, but I would consider that he isn’t being noncommital; he’s trying to make sure you get what you want.
Because what he wants is for you to be happy with the decision.
He says he wants to get married; he means it.
When it comes to your mother, give her a simple task that will distract her, and ignore everything that comes out of her mouth that isn’t directly related to it. She just wants to feel included.
Buckle up, and mazel tov.
Matrimonially,
The Crone
Life Advice
Beats a Ouija board
Dear Crone,
My family keeps pressuring me to go out more, particularly my mother, who seems to have finally discovered that she actually has kids.
I live alone and don’t go out a ton (except for school), but I'm happy.
I'm a total homebody and love to read books on my couch in my pjs.
But this has become an everyday conversation with her... I've set boundaries and expressed my discomfort with her pestering, but she doesn't back off.
How can I get her to realize I'm happy even without going out all the time?
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
I do, somewhat, have to agree with your mom.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying time at home in your pjs, but there’s something to be said for vitamin D.
Nobody is expecting you to go throw ass at a party, unless you want to, but maybe consider introducing a walk or two into your weekly routine.
That being said, if you’re living by yourself, you can simply ignore your family. It’s kinda their job to pester you about what they think is best, and I find that just going “okay, mom” is more effective than arguing.
Remember that your family is not coming from a place of maliciousness but rather concern for your well-being. As frustrating as that may be.
You don’t need to compromise, but bringing your book to a coffee shop or park lets you enjoy the best of both worlds.
Neutrally,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
My friends mean the world to me.
Problem is, they’re all college friends.
Now we’ve graduated, and we’re scattering across the world—literally.
They’re horrible about keeping in touch when we’re all in the same state.
I dread to think what it’ll be like across continents.
How do I keep from losing with them?
I know that they don’t want to lose contact either, but I know them and if I don’t do something it’ll happen anyway.
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
I think it starts with an honest conversation with your friends.
Tell them you want to remain in touch, and you can even make specific plans for that. Whether it’s a weekly call, online video games, or another group activity you can do long-distance.
That being said, your friends are also responsible for maintaining their relationship with you, and if they’re incapable of it, don’t close yourself off to finding new relationships post-graduation.
It can be normal for people to drift apart due to distance. Try your best and see what works for the group.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
From the Cauldron
It’s pumpkin spice flavored
Dearest Crone,
I’m pregnant with my second (yay!) but my family thinks my husband and I are reckless since we aren’t high earners.
When I told my mom, she screamed at me.
I asked for space, but she shared my news with relatives anyway.
I told her that was unacceptable, yet she always justifies her actions.
I was already unsure how to let her back in, and now I feel more lost.
I want my mom in my life, but I’m hurt and overwhelmed.
Any advice?
My therapist is fully updated.
Sincerely,
Pregnant, Hurt, and Confused
Dear PHC,
Your mother is clearly having a historical reaction to a prior issue.
This has nothing to do with you, but unfortunately, it drove her to act like… well, a complete asshole, if I’m being honest.
I would start by taking time away from her, not maliciously, but because you’re preparing for your second child and you need a supportive environment for that.
When you feel ready, you can reach out again to see if she is ready to apologize.
If she continues to justify her actions, that may be your sign to step back again.
I think it’s entirely appropriate to ask for an apology and make it clear that her reaction to the news, and her sharing of it, was hurtful and wrong.
If you want to be bitchy about it, you can always suggest she chip in for baby stuff.
Directly,
The Crone
Dear Crone and Daniel,
As this is a book-related advisement.
I'm attempting to write a book, but I've run into a problem.
Due to my overwhelming lack of experience: I don't know how to write relationships.
I've read about them and seen them irl, but have no clue how to be in one or what it's like.
I know what I'd like in one sure, but that's hard to put on paper.
What should I do?
Curiously,
Stormy
Dear Stormy,
Welcome to the delight of a first draft!
Put down anything in this regard, no matter how clunky or insincere it feels at first.
As you continue to revise and have your beta readers go over these scenes, you’ll be able to incorporate feedback to make things more authentic.
Of course, you can always have your writing focus on non-romantic relationships if you’d prefer to stick to what you’re more comfortable with.
Don’t feel the need to incorporate everything into one story, as writing what you know will produce a much better final draft than seeking to include situations you don’t feel much of a connection to.
Literarily,
The Crone
More Tea Please…?
For closure’s sake…
Read the previous question in Edition #69: We Laughed Too
Dear Crone,
I have a little follow-up tea for you.
You were mostly right.
I needed my friends' help, but being honest with my partner and getting ourselves into new things has helped our relationship be even better than before.
Turns out, he was also totally willing to let me explore my crush—and is now my official wingman.
Who knew!
Plus, my crush has agreed to hang out, and we’re in the middle of getting something set up.
So here’s to trying new things and seeing where this wild ride takes us.
Happily,
Searching Soul at 30
Dear Searching,
I’ll admit that was one possibility I didn’t even consider suggesting.
As long as you guys have firmly established boundaries and can respect them, go for it.
I want to caution that he’ll likely expect the same treatment if he develops a crush, so be prepared.
Have fun with your hangout.
Sincerely,
The Crone
Need advice?
Roast of the Week: Harems
Shoutout to BlackRabbit for the recommendation this week
Ah, harems, for when you want a sample platter of humanity.
Perhaps it’s the implied wealth, the fancy palace, or just the opportunity to avoid redownloading Hinge that’s so appealing.
Regardless, we’re flaming you for it.
You want one:
Ah, indecisiveness, but make it horny. Never mind the fact that you continually ask your closest friends if they still like you; you want an entourage of people who wish to see you naked.
Because your anxious attachment can totally handle that, I’m sure.
Let’s be real here, the sexual appeal will wear off within three days, and you’ll get what you’re really after: a group of friends who enjoy hanging out at home.
I don’t see you handling this well. The last time someone was direct about wanting to sleep with you, you blushed so hard you gave yourself a nosebleed.
Good luck in the big leagues, that’s all I’m saying.
You want to be in one:
“Daniel, how did you know I was bisexual?!”
Because your dream living situation involves a hot dom who occasionally pops in to your house of fellow naked companions.
I know what actually gets you wound up: not having to pay rent in a home that’s 90% steam room.
At what point does it stop being submissive and just become a smart financial decision?
For someone who desperately needs to be chosen, you sure do love putting yourself into unnecessary competitions with others.
Roastee of the Week: Seals Creek
Everyone, welcome our newest roastee: Seals Creek.
I’m not gonna lie, I first read that as Seals Crack, and the jokes were writing themselves. Obviously, I’m disappointed, but I doubt that’s the first time you’ve made a man feel that way.
Speaking of men, Klaus Michaelson… really?
You shouldn’t be applying for a roast; you should be speaking to the man who taught you that manipulation is a form of love.
Dean Winchester??? Oh, it was your father.
I need to ask, how far into Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. have you watched? Because Grant Ward? Are we talking about the flesh suit known as Hive or the guy who refounded HYDRA? I understand liking a man who follows through on plans, but this is watch-list worthy, darling.
Not all the men Seals Creek likes are psychopaths or victims of daddy issues; she likes BBC’s Sherlock, so the high-functioning sociopaths get some love as well!
Jesus Christ on a cracker, I think the way forward is electroshock therapy. Do yourself a favor: you’re not allowed to date without a quorum of your friends’ approval. You’re going to end up wifey to the world’s most belligerent dictator, and the Crone hates competition.
I do need to mention the Taskmaster duo, Greg Davies and Alex Horne. You understand you can just tell me you have a degradation kink, right? What else do you call a guy telling you to do stupid shit on camera?
There are some redeeming characters, such as Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy, but I find it hard to believe that you dared to write, “You did not know I was bi.” I think you’re the one person who found out later than Harley did.
I’d bet The Times that most of your fantasies involve these two in their laboratory coats. Freak.
We have another fan of Assistant to the Villain—just tattoo “sub” on your forehead at this point.
Xaden Riorsan and Rowan Whitethorn, I just know the friend in your drawer has its own generator.
To nobody’s surprise, Seals loves the harem trope, though I think the individuals listed belong in a psych ward rather than a castle. I think you’re trying to be innocent by lying about loving slow burns, the only flame you’re dealing with is a fucked up PH balance, dearie.
THANK YOU, SEALS CREEK!!!
