Dear Crone,

How do I overcome the avoidant attachment patterns I formed as a result of my abusive relationship, now that I'm trying to date again?

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I want to build healthier habits.

Returned to the Game

Dear Returned,

It’s wonderful that you’re getting back out there!

When it comes to addressing an attachment style, the best bet for you is cognitive behavioral therapy.

It is there you will break down how your avoidant attachment serves to protect you, identify what you will need to feel secure in your next relationships, and work through the discomfort of resisting the desire to avoid.

Patience will be your best friend during this time.

Furthermore, do not run from emotions, but rather acknowledge them when they appear and identify what is driving any such surges.

Lastly, remember that growth is nonlinear.

It is okay to mess up along the way, so long as you are aware of the issue and are working to resolve it, you will make progress.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone and Daniel,

How does one manage the jealousy that comes from being in love with one's best friend while said friend does not reciprocate the romantic attraction?

I treasure his friendship more than anything, and I only want him to be happy.

But it gives me knots in my stomach when he goes on dates and such.

My friends say to go on dates myself, but I am Ace and Neurospicy, so dating is hard.

Thoughts?

Sincerely,

Ace in the Friendzone

Dear Ace,

To begin, I would like you to evaluate whether a relationship with your friend was feasible.

Is he also asexual? Because if not, that likely would have caused problems down the road.

I do agree with your friends that your time is better spent trying to find a compatible partner rather than pining over someone unavailable.

Just because it would be difficult to do so does not mean it’s impossible!

You’re jealous, which is normal, but unproductive.

You want him to be happy, let him be happy, and go find your own happiness.

These feelings are temporary and can be alleviated by forcing yourself to do something other than lament.

Directly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

After years of healing, I finally feel like myself again.

I love my partner of 11 years deeply, but as I explore life outside our bubble, I’ve developed a crush on someone I really connect with.

I won't be unfaithful, but it's made me question if my relationship is still my forever.

Any wisdom for a racing heart and mind?

Searching Soul at 30

Dear Searching,

I’m going to delicately beg you not to tell your friends about this, as they are more than likely going to tell you to abandon your relationship for a delusion.

Don’t do that.

Likely, you’re a little bored.

It’s been 11 years, and you need some added spice.

First, identify what it is about your crush that you find so appealing, and then see how you can add that into your relationship.

You need a romantic date night with your man and to get folded like a lawn chair.

I promise you.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How can I stay away from my abusive mother?

I have an emotionally and verbally abusive mother. I’m British and will be going to uni a year from now, but before that, I intend to spend 3 months living at my dad’s house despite my mum trying to talk me out of it.

She hates the idea of me leaving the house, stating that "I’ll be here till I’m 25.”

I intend to live on campus, but I’m terrified of what comes after that.

How do I stay away from her after university?

Piffany

Dear Piffany,

The material answer is money.

Ensure that you are financially independent and will not need to rely on your mother for anything.

This means having access to important documents such as birth certificates and medical records, as well as budgeting for groceries, tuition, and fun.

As you progress through the year, keep an eye out for individuals with whom you could rent off-campus housing.

The emotional answer is a bit more complicated, but in short, you suffer through the guilt.

Remember the unkindness that your mother treats you with, and let that fuel your fear of living with her.

Dial back on contact, and if she is cruel over the phone, hang up, or don’t respond.

So long as you are financially independent, you can set your boundaries in terms of behavior you’re willing to tolerate.

But you must enforce it.

Even if it makes you uncomfortable.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

After a long, hard fight thru undergrad and the 1st year of grad school, I’m exhausted.

And more frequently, I find myself succumbing to the symptoms of my mental illness.

So I decided to take a leave of absence and get treatment.

I'll be living in the newly renovated garage, going to lots of therapy, and working part-time.

The thing is, I'm used to a full class load and at least two part-time jobs.

What the heck do I do with all this free time???

Sincerely yours,

In need of a hobby

Dear In Need,

The answer is, unfortunately, whatever the hells (worldbuilding) you want.

It’s wonderful that you’re going to therapy and have found work, but now you have to find out what you actually want to do.

Perhaps there are some hobbies you have been neglecting, or ones you have always wanted to pick up.

Maybe you can look into workshops for artistic skills you have wanted to develop, or maybe you can start reading more.

It really is up to you!

What I will suggest is that you avoid being idle.

Don’t allow yourself to stream TV shows for 15 hours a day; go outside.

If you’re working toward a fitness goal, a run club could be the way to meet people and make working out more fun.

Otherwise, it’s all in your hands.

Just make sure whatever you do is out of desire and not obligation.

Emphatically,

The Crone

Sagest Crone,

I've never been anyone's "best friend", nor even anyone's second choice.

I'm aware enough to know it isn't me, either; it's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Nonetheless, it's suffocating me.

Two decades into life, and I'm yet to be, well, chosen.

I'm not asking for advice, per se; without anyone whom I wholly trust (someone above me in the Friend Pecking Order might always be told anything, I find), I simply needed to share my loneliness.

Thank you.

Bitterly Forgiving,

Soltera

Dear Soltera,

I’m going to pop in here as I feel like my experiences more closely match yours than the Crone would.

I want you to know what I mean when I say, I understand you.

Following the end of my college career, a friend I had been living with for the past three years physically assaulted me for the second time.

This did not rattle my friend group, as they had been present the first time this situation arose.

And following the second incident, everyone I was close to vanished from my life.

Quite recently, they celebrated a reunion that I was not invited to, for rather obvious reasons.

But I spent today helping my friends build their chuppah for their wedding.

Another one of my friends filled me in about her life in Miami, because it’s become routine for us to talk so often, my sister is wondering when we’re announcing our engagement.

Another couple (I collect them) sends me daily photos of their pets, updates on their work, and demands to know when I’m visiting them next.

Meanwhile, another friend and I are constantly torn between the desire to go out and the desire to read and rot together.

I was chosen, finally, and it took until my 24th birthday for it to happen.

It will come to you.

You can keep the others at arm’s length, but slowly, you’ll meet people who feel like family—the good and the bad—who aren’t so much invited to hang out as inevitably going to be keeping you company.

I understand the bitterness; it can be a comfort, truly.

But like all flavors, they’re impermanent.

There’s no need to be patient, but be receptive once you find them. It’ll be slow at first, and then the click you experience will hit like a ton of bricks.

I see your loneliness, and I can tell you from experience that it never feels temporary, but it will be.

Bitterly optimistic,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

My best friend is one of my favorite authors.

They write queer and disability friendly fantasy and horror books.

They often struggle with realizing their own talent.

How can I help promote their work?

When-your-bff-is-your-favorite-writer

Dear BFF,

Never underestimate the power of word-of-mouth!

Brag about your friend, tell strangers, and use your preferred art software to make QR codes you can slap around the city.

Of course, if you’re looking to advertise directly with The Valthakan Times, you can do so here.

Other than that, make sure you’re telling her this.

Every author on the planet needs encouragement, and sometimes people need to be praised before they start to believe it themselves.

Literarily,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I am not quite sure what to do anymore.

Ever since I can remember, I liked coming up with stories.

Around four years ago I started writing—previoisly I would draw comics.

At chpt 5-8, I usually start to doubt my story, thinking it is utter crap and no one would enjoy it, and stop.

I end up thinking of other stories.

I got up to 21 in the last 4 years already.

How could I push myself to finish them without giving in to the impostor syndrome?

Thira

Dear Thira,

If you’re fizzling out around the chapter 8 mark, it may be because you’ve hit the end of your mental outline.

My best advice is to write it out, even if it’s a vague beginning-middle-end, and you haven’t developed exactly how you’re going to get between them.

Having a plot point to write toward always helps my vessel when he’s trying to get his work done.

Besides that, remember that you know everything about your work even as you’re developing it.

A reader does not.

Thus, what may seem stale to you because you have written, rewritten, read, and reread the same few chapters dozens of times is brand new to an audience.

And they’re going to want to know more.

You’re allowed to feel like a fraud, so long as you keep working on that first draft.

Outlinedly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My husband has been struggling with depression since before I met him.

We have been married almost 10 yrs.

This past year, his best friend passed away unexpectedly, and he finally started seeing a therapist.

We just got home from vacation, and his 15-year-old cat had to be put down the same day.

He is beyond devastated, won't eat, and has expressed suicidal thoughts.

I am so empty, I don't even know where to start to help him, and I feel like I am drowning.

Any ideas on how to help him through this?

Depressed Out

Dear Depressed Out,

You should also consider speaking to a therapist.

Understand that you have done the moral thing as a wife, a partner, and as a person.

But you are not equipped to handle these kinds of stressors alone.

All you can do is be there for him, express your support, and offer him comfort.

Please continue to encourage him to see his therapist, and make sure that he has mentioned his ideation to them.

You must continue to take care of yourself, and that includes seeing your own professional to discuss this.

You will not solve his depression for him; you will provide support as he works through it, and you can’t do that if you feel overwhelmed and adrift.

Don’t try to force his behavior, just be there as his partner.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’m in my late 20s, have been in 5+ relationships, socially savvy, yet I've never been in love despite sincere efforts.

I’ve always been the one to lose interest.

I once again find myself wanting to break up with an arguably perfect (for me) man who loves me and treats me wonderfully.

But I feel like it's not enough if I don't love him?

His few flaws are incredibly minor, yet his presence does not spark joy.

I've dismissed aro/ace, and therapy has yet to cure me.

Ideas for learning how to love?

Avoidant and traumatized by divorce

Dear Avoidant,

If you don’t love him, you should cut him loose, for both your sakes.

Unfortunately, therapy is the way forward for attachment style-based issues.

Thus, you need to focus on what causes the desire for avoidance to flare up and what you would be looking for in a partner with whom you would feel secure.

Again, if he does not spark joy, let him find someone he does make happy.

However, I want to stress that there is no such thing as “arguably perfect” when you don’t feel anything for someone.

You will not learn how to love until you process your divorce-based trauma.

It is there that you will identify how certain behaviors drive you away, and the healthy reactions you can take when those situations arise.

Cautiously,

The Crone

Dearest Crone and Daniel,

Thank you for your insights on my first submission.

With your advice, I let myself smack my insecurities with a stick and just did the thing!!

I felt amazing, and afterwards I didn't let myself focus on the things I didn't like about myself, but really looked at what others would see in the finished photos.

Oh my gods, (worldbuilding) I might even LOVE myself??

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the prod I needed to experience and not just panic!

Confidently No Longer Unconfident

Dear Confidently,

For the sake of our readers, I’m going to provide context and say that your boudoir photoshoot was clearly a success!

It takes a lot for someone to step into such an environment, and I want to congratulate you on making this kind of progress.

You have certainly inspired my vessel to look into it, that’s the truth of the matter… though he’s ransoming reaching 30,000 subscribers before he takes the plunge.

I’m so glad this was a positive experience for you, and I hope you enjoy the next thing that makes you nervous even more so.

Happily,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I tried doing the things you said to do, and they worked...sort of.

I'm starting to think I'm somehow addicted to stress.

It's weird, but I feel like I can't function without having something to stress about in my life.

Stress Withdrawal

Dear Stress Withdrawal,

I truly believe that you, like most people, would benefit from speaking to a therapist.

It is they who will best be able to guide you through this coming down from your O levels.

In the meantime, if you’re seeing even partial success, I say keep doing it.

Your body can recognize positive versus negative stressors (eustress vs. distress), and the more you can replace the former with the latter, the more productive you will be in a way that physiologically benefits you.

You have completed your O levels, now throw yourself into something that actually brings you joy.

Encouragingly,

The Crone