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Welcome to The Valthakan Times
Write-In of the Week
Dear Crone,
In many ways, everyone is an idiot with two working brain cells.
How do you manage to deal with everything without going insane?
Anon
Dear Anon,
To paraphrase Daniel’s therapist, you have to recognize when the person you’re speaking to is essentially lobotomized.
You can’t fix with your words what 21st-century medicine can’t handle either.
Honestly,
The Crone
Need Advice?
Table of Contents
Technically, It’s A Studio
Hello {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, Global Entry-ers, people with jetlag, and those who did not pack well for the current weather…
We’re back from Italy and LA, meaning regular posting schedules should resume barring any sort of health issues, Fae portals, apocalypses, or Daniel falling madly in love.
For our fans in Columbus, Ohio: Daniel will be participating in A Court of Tethered Souls on May 22nd-23rd, 2026. If you’re still looking to buy tickets, be sure to use code dalecsander99 for a fun surprise!
A huge thanks to Brittany Hansen for sending me an ARC of The Outlaw Witch of Sherwood! Now that it’s available, be sure to check it out! And if you’d like to share your work, find our PO Box at the bottom of this email.
As a reminder: Premium content is cross-posted between the newsletter and Patreon, meaning either option gets you access to The Wanderings of the Crone, Arc’s Journey, our community deep dives, book club, and Discord!
Thank you to everyone who wrote in this week.
Enjoy!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
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Romance
There has to be an easier way…
Dear Crone,
I want to end things with my partner, but I don’t know how to muster the courage to do it.
I’m not mentally in a space to be in a relationship anymore.
There’s no animosity between us (yet), and I want to keep it that way.
I think us remaining friends is a feasible possibility, but I don’t know how to ensure that.
Despairingly,
Anon
Dear Anon,
Do it scared.
The right time to end it with a partner is yesterday.
You can’t ensure they will want to remain friends. They will likely be very hurt and will need time away from you.
You will have to respect that and deal with the discomfort that brings.
Forget the platitudes, say you don’t want to be together anymore, cut them free.
Directly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I really like this boy, and I’ve been dropping subtle hints for months.
But unless he’s playing dumb until I’m brave enough to say it to his face, he hasn’t picked up on a single hint.
What sucks is he doesn’t go to my school, so I only see him Fridays after school because of D&D.
Last week, I sent him the most obvious hint I could find on Instagram, and he still hasn’t checked, but it’s kind of a habit that a few weeks after I send things, he checks and replies to each individual thing.
Help!
Blonde Burnout
Dear Burnout,
He’s a man. They don’t do subtle hints.
I promise he’s not playing dumb; he literally doesn’t notice.
Go say it to his face.
For the love of gods (worldbuilding) no man is looking for clues in his Instagram DMs.
Either ask him out or bone his friend.
Emphatically,
The Crone
Life Advice
Hmm? What!?
Dear Crone,
I have currently given up on relationships (I have had very few), and at the moment would rather go for a physical relationship, no strings attached, or maybe a sort of friends with benefits.
Self-care isn't exactly enough.
Problem is, I’m timid and not the flirting type with guys.
So I wanted some tips on getting started.
And I have no options available.
Questioning person
Dear Questioning,
I hesitate to encourage NSA behavior if you’re nervous at the thought of even talking to men.
If you’re willing to throw snatch at a guy (which is not a bad thing), you can’t stumble walking up to the starting line.
You need to go out without the expectation of going home with someone.
Dress in a way that makes you feel confident, and either approach someone to start a conversation or allow yourself to be approached.
That’s it.
Once the thought of that stops making you nervous, we can look into ruining him for other women.
Cautiously,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
My twin sister moved out, and since then, despite my best efforts, we rarely talk, and it’s always me reaching out to her.
We got along pretty well before she left, but I know she found my day-to-day to be too unexciting for her.
I know I can’t make her see me as less boring, she just tossed me aside very casually—despite everything we’ve done together.
It hurts a lot.
Any advice on how to stop feeling so hurt by this?
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
The Left Behind One
Dear TLBO,
I don’t think you need to stop feeling hurt, but I also want to caution against leaping to the worst-case scenario.
I want to ask if there is any other option for why she is a poor communicator.
Regardless of the answer to that, you should tell her why you’re hurt.
“I want to hear from you more often” is a perfectly reasonable thing to say, and you can communicate that without applying why you think she isn’t speaking to you.
If that doesn’t work, professional help is always great when processing familial issues.
Gently,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
How do you stop being a therapist friend?
I feel like all I do is therapize everyone around me, my family, friends, and my own damn therapist.
How do I learn to take a break for my own mental health?
Katerina
Dear Katerina,
The “how do I stop” write-ins are always the most straightforward.
Don’t offer advice.
It’ll be difficult, but I will argue that most people look to vent more than to find solutions.
Listen to them, give the diplomatic version of “oh that sucks,” and move on.
Bluntly,
The Crone
From the Cauldron
I cast a spell on you…
Dearest Crone and Loveliest Daniel,
I'm 34 and finally going back to uni to finish my degree now that my ADHD is being treated.
With this, I cannot afford the art supplies I need to keep my brain happy enough to function and do my job, AND school, AND parenting, while also buying textbooks.
Do you have any suggestions for getting my art out there to be sold (or at least bring in views) so maybe it can start pulling its own weight financially?
I am not as pretty as you are. Also, no pole.
Overtired and Understimulated
Dear O&O,
To be known is to first be cringe.
Social media, my vice and my vexation, is a great tool for visual artists.
Post your work, even if it gets two views, because that’s what it means to start.
If you want to advertise in The Valthakan Times, that’s also an option I’d be happy to discuss with you.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I have a boyfriend whom I love so much it nearly causes me physical pain, but my friend keeps accusing him of being gay.
Her reasoning is that he vocalizes his feelings, has cried in front of me multiple times, and we talk out our issues instead of what he “should be doing,” which is yelling, screaming, and punching walls.
She won’t leave it alone, no matter what I say.
What do I do?
She also throws tantrums if I talk about her boyfriend, who likes to hit people and cheat on her.
Lavenderless marriage
Dear Lavenderless,
May I ask why you’re friends with an idiot?
The truth of the matter is, she’s miserable, and instead of fixing her own self-inflicted problems, she wants everyone around her to be miserable as well.
The more successful you are in your relationship, the more outraged and frustrated she’s going to be with you.
I happen to love schadenfreude, but I can also teleport when things get messy, so I say free yourself from the shackles she’s wrapping herself in.
Oh, and buy her boxing gloves for her birthday since she’s so knowledgeable about relationships.
Problematically,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
My friends have been telling me for a while that I should become a financial dominatrix, and I would be great at it.
People have been asking me if I'm a Dom since college. I'm really considering it now that I had a car accident and need the cash.
My concern is the mental strain of starting out and/or if I immigrate to Canada, it becoming an issue.
Any words of wisdom to help me take the plunge?
I'd have two nickels...
Dear Nickels,
Sex work is an exceptionally difficult field. One with significant risks and consequences that can impact your and your family’s personal lives.
It’s not a get-rich-quick scheme, and I highly recommend looking into other employment options first.
That being said, if you do decide to go through with it, do not use your actual name, get a P.O. Box if necessary, take tribute up front, and recognize that if you try to emigrate to Canada, sex work is illegal for temporary AND newly permanent residents, so be careful.
With extreme caution,
The Crone
Crone,
Somehow it got WORSE.
My parents live 700 miles away, and my mom hates the drive, yet she texted me she’d be at my house in 3 hours—having already driven 13—to “hug my neck and say I love you.”
She couldn’t handle a boundary so badly that she crossed states to break it.
The craziest part?
She truly seems to think it’s okay because she “loves me.”
Even my therapist is stunned.
Pregnant, Hurt, and EXTREMELY Confused
Dear Pregnant,
I’ll admit, dearie, I’m… stunned.
I want you to speak to your therapist before taking any new action, but I think this warrants immediate no-contact.
If necessary, change the locks and get an alarm.
I think a “we are going no contact with you” message is warranted, as they may call for a wellness check or drive back down again.
Otherwise, do not speak to your family.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Fuming,
The Crone
Need the Crone’s ear?
Book Club: Dark Lovers Ch. 11-20
I’m enjoying it but in a trash tv kind of way
As we continue our journey alongside Wrath, The Library has witnessed:
The BBEG, Mr. X, using laser tag as a testing grounds for his recruits.
As a casual reminder, Mr. X is impotent creating a karmic balance to the universe where the good guys are fuck machines and the bad guys don’t get to have functioning dicks.
Wrath is a size 14 shoe.
Hardass detective shoots whiskey like I drink water.
Beth is the daughter of a princeps.
Her first orgasms came from Wrath… and he could tell.
Her cat likes him… a lot. Stop that I mean her pet!
As part of her transition, she’s hungry, with a limited sex drive, and an irresistible appeal to the opposite sex.
Vampires need blood from each other, though civilians may occasionally drink from humans.
Next week on Black Dagger Brotherhood: Will Wrath face the fact that he is as emotionally blind as he is dark and spooky? Will Beth face the fact that her father entrusted her to an oversized toddler who doesn’t deal well with feelings?
Want to join our book club?
Roast of the Week: Klaus Mikaelson
Shoutout to Erecurra for suggesting this topic!
Honestly, I’m surprised it took this long for me to mention him.
If you haven’t watched or read The Vampire Diaries or The Originals… congratulations.
We’re looking at the archetypal accountability avoider today.
Let’s get into it.
You want to be him…
Oh, sure, take the easy way out.
You can’t just be a normal, Hecate-fearing vampire or werewolf; you have to have all the powers.
You must have been so irritating to play mermaids with as a child.
You’re obsessed with this idea, but at the same time, I’d bet good money you’d be allergic to your own fur.
At least you wouldn’t need to worry about having a daylight ring. It would clash terribly with one of the seven sweatpants you own.
You want to bone him…
Fork found in psychologically damaged kitchen.
Like, honestly, why?
The Crone and I spend so much time trying to steer you onto the path of… well, I’m not going to call it “the Lord” but close enough, comparatively speaking.
“Oh, he’d be an asshole to everyone but me,” you say excitedly. That’s still an asshole, dearie. Just one with a theater kid background.
“I’ll help him fight his enemies!” you claim. His enemies include half of his family, the local jester, his grandmother, an orphanage, and the barista who decaffed him one time. Why are you trying to solve a man’s problems that he makes for himself???
Stand up!
Good job.
Now sit, beg, roll over.
Jesus Christ.
With our illustrious return from peninsular West Asia, we can once again resume our beloved Roast of the Week and who better to face the flames than our brave Kiley? The drinker of feelings, the burier of dead horses, the bisexual af (her largely unnecessary words, not mine).
Seriously, Kiley, your interests didn’t exactly scream straight as an arrow.
Dean Winchester? Shocking. I was never willing to subject myself to a TV show that “got really good after the first 8 seasons,” but I’d need to have my head shoved under a rock to avoid how desperately people wanted him to bang Castiel. I have no doubt you were there screaming alongside them.
“Excuse me, Daniel, I’m not that basic,” says the part of you that resonates with Clary Fairchild… the original template of not being like the other girls. Your love for Bryce Quinlan doesn’t make it any better. “I’m a bad bitch,” you whisper at my newsletter, thinking that if I could hear you, I would care. I’m sure you are, but if you brought a weapon to this knife fight, I’d bring a pretty girl in a skintight dress, watch you go red, and promptly faint so…
We’ll move on then, to Kaz Brekker and Nikolai Sokolov, two crime princes that scream “My standards are ‘has a job and commits to plans’,” which… honestly, the most psychologically stable part about you so far, so props where it’s due.
Finally, I see your love for Jamie Fraser, the Laird of Lallybroch, and I can only assume you like your men incomprehensible.
I don’t know how you’re going to handle your enemies-to-lovers, seeing as you’ve chosen the most emotionally unavailable dudes possible. Be it physically, sexually, or otherwise. Of course, the women are an option, but dress, red, faint, remember?
The good news is you’re a lover of the slow burn, meaning you’re willing to put in the work.
Maybe just stop by a therapist’s office along the way?
Thank you, Kiley!
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@dalecsander *mermaid man voice* EEEVIIIILLLL #dalecsander #dating #romance #romanfantasy
