Dear Crone,

There is this guy whom I met through uni, and he has recently had a bad breakup.

We are talking for two months now and I really like him and he tells me he likes me too and we decided to meet but since then he has been kind of distant.

He says he is really busy and appreciates the fact I continue being patient but what should I do?

My mind is constantly going his way and I don't want to be that way anymore.

Sincerely,

Shira

Dear Shira,

Take this man at his word.

He’s not available, so you have to move on.

If his schedule suddenly changes or he starts putting in more effort, you can reciprocate that energy.

But for now, you’re in uni, and should put your time into those who prioritize you.

You’ll stop thinking about him when you stop giving him excuses for why he’s too busy for you.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My friend and I have been dancing around each other for like a year now.

He sends me love songs in the language we're both learning.

He sends me music he's listening to.

He sends me poems.

But then he drops off the face of the fucking planet for days at a time.

What the fuck is going on?

I'm afraid to ask lest I ruin the friendship, but I'm in love with him and it's becoming a problem for me.

(We have slept together and it was amazing, but we agreed it was just as friends.)

Genuinely,

Clueless

Dear Clueless,

If your sexual relationship is ongoing, he’s using you for casual sex.

Nothing inherently wrong with a casual situation, but it is incompatible with how you feel towards him.

Otherwise, his actions are a sign of interest, but he is handling other things as well.

What you need to do is weigh your desire for more information versus the risk to your relationship as it currently stands.

Are you comfortable with music, poems, and radio silence in an ongoing cycle, or do you need more?

I’m going to heartily warn against entering something casual, as you want a more significant investment.

Decide, and understand that if he’s interested, he’ll show up.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Less advice and more validation maybe?

I’m 45, single mom (just signed my separation agreement yay!!), my friends are either married or on dating apps, and while I’m lonely sometimes, the thought alone of trying to date someone seems exhausting.

It’s been a few years now, and I think it’s gonna be me, my cats, and my smut books in my old age, and I’m trying to be ok with that.

It is ok, right?

Catlady45

Dear Catlady45,

The only person whose opinion matters in this instance is yours. 

You just separated from your old partner.

Taking time off from relationships does not need to be a lasting commitment, nor a permanent one.

You are the only person who will decide if you wish to seek another relationship, and so long as whatever decision you make brings you peace, it is the right one.

Enjoy your reading and your cats.

If you end up looking for something more 3D, I wish you the best of luck.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Not sure what to do or feel about my brother.

Growing up, at best, he was apathetic; at worst, he spent time rubbing it in my face that he was Mommy’s favorite.

He was in his mid-teens when I was born, if that matters.

Last time we talked, he tried being passive-aggressive about how he was a better parent than I, and mommy’s favorite, that was about 11 years ago.

He apparently has recently told his daughter, who told mine, that he wants to talk.

I want my big brother, but he hasn’t once tried contacting me himself.

Thoughts?

Confused Sibling

Dear Confused Sibling,

Clearly, there is a long history of tension between you and your brother, something that may be bringing him no end of embarrassment to look back on.

While I do not wish to provide excuses for your brother, his hesitation to reach out directly may be because he’s unsure how you’ll respond, given his previous actions.

He was a dick, or as Daniel would say, a massive poes.

If you reach out, it may be the indicator he needs that you’re willing to talk.

Make no mistake, you can wait for him to make the first move, especially as it sounds like he owes you more than a few apologies.

But when people are scared of being direct, cutting to the chase can save a lot of time and tears.

I would also recommend keeping your children out of it, as nobody likes being the messenger.

Gently,

The Crone

Dearest Crone (and Daniel),

I'm an artist who deals in traditional media (honestly just shit at digital art) and recently I've created a Patreon to reach a larger audience.

I think I've set realistic content goals for myself, but what is a good way to keep myself from overreaching and burning out?

Ever self-doubting,

Ryn

Dear Ryn,

Consistency is far more important than quantity, especially in the beginning.

Value your work and the time it takes to produce it accordingly.

You are providing something that people will love, and your goal isn’t an IPO, but rather steady growth.

Schedule it out, break it into manageable chunks, and whatever you do, don’t try to finish it at 3am the day of.

Also, listen to what Daniel is about to say.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Ryn,

As someone who has very explicitly burned himself out on Patreon, manage your offerings.

Do not worry that you are not offering enough to your Patrons, those who value your work will want to support it!

Furthermore, there will be people who want to get in on the ground floor (like those in The Library Discord) and those who join later. 

Either way, it’s fantastic that people want to support, but the larger your archive grows, the bigger the appeal will be.

Thus, it becomes a patience game as much as anything else.

If you’re an overnight success story, mazel tov, and feel free to give me an interest-free loan, but more likely you’ll water this metaphoric garden and watch it bloom slowly.

So long as you are enjoying the process of creation, you’ll avoid burnout.

I believe in you!

Encouragingly,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

Every year, it seems my birthday brings about misfortune for me, and this year was no different.

I want to be able to look forward to my birthday and enjoy another year with those I love and who love me.

Any idea how to change my fate or at least my outlook instead of dreading it each year?

Uncelebratorily,

Befouled Birthday Girl

PS, it doesn't help that my birthday is tax day.

Dear Birthday Girl,

To start, you’re filing an extension on your taxes.

It’s free and means you can put that shit off until October.

In the context of your birthday itself, it’s okay to passively enjoy it.

It is not your obligation to excessively plan and coordinate a once-in-a-year experience.

Instead, treat yourself to the small pleasures that you don’t usually appreciate.

A splurge on fancy coffee, dinner, or unique plans is far more valuable and comes with less pressure compared to some massive extravaganza.

After a morning or afternoon of niceties, you may be better prepared for a bigger celebration, but only if you wish.

And whatever you do, BOOK THE NEXT DAY OFF.

Celebratorily,

The Crone

Dearest Crone,

I know your disdain for the pregnancy trope, but I'm curious how you'd find it redeemable in a story.

I'm working on a book series, and eventually, there will be family building so the main characters can pass the torch to their children, and they can embark on their own adventures.

I'd love to hear your opinions on stories that include pregnancy, but focus on lineage. (And of course, avoid dulling female characters because they're pregnant).

Love and appreciate you!

XoXo ♥️,

Thalia

Dear Thalia,

The biggest thing to remember when dealing with a pregnant character is that the pregnancy is a motivation for said character’s objective.

She is not to be sidelined; rather, the fact that she is bringing a child into the world should speed up her plotting.

Once the little crotch goblin pops out, that is still a character that we, as the readers, have no connection to.

Until they develop sapience, they’re essentially a prop, and should be used as such.

I’ve spoken about this extensively in the Deep Dive section of How Not to Treat Your Lady (Or Anyone, For That Matter).

To give you the TL;DR, pregnancy is a provocation toward action, not a reason to remove a character from it.

Popping BC,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I've been an extremely silent follower for some time now, however, I find myself needing your advice.

I've been wanting to delve into the realm of kink for some time now, but I'm not sure how.

I haven't dated around much, but I do try to get out of the house and meet new people.

I've always been a fairly introverted and shÿ individual, but I don’t believe that this side of myself will help me explore this other side of myself openly.

Thankful,

A Devoted Follower

Dear Devoted,

Kink, in general, is best explored with those with whom you feel safe and comfortable.

While there are certainly aspects that can be experienced with newer relationships, this is a process best taken slowly. Especially considering your self-described introverted tendencies.

To approach this, kink-related exploration should not be the focal point of your dating goals.

Instead, focus on finding people whom you can trust to care about your physical, emotional, and sexual well-being.

Then you can eventually broach this topic.

As a reminder, you don’t have to be comfortable with everything, or anything, for that matter.

However you prefer to research, whether that's podcasts, literature, or even in-person classes, learn where your limits are, rather than trying to discover them in the moment.

Educate yourself about yourself and go from there.

Leisurely,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My mom is the provider while the rest of my family are leeches.

I have my own place, but I’m not yet financially independent.

I’m afraid they’ll make me take up my mom’s crown if something happens to her.

How can I ease this fear/Where’s my fae?

Just Wanna Be Bryce, Not Feyre

Dear Bryce, Not Feyre,

You don’t get leeches if you don’t step into the lake.

No one can force you to pay for things, but they can certainly try to guilt you over it.

From your end, you do not disclose any financial success, whether that is promotions, raises, or new job offers.

Unfortunately, you cannot trust the rest of your family not to take advantage.

If people seek to bring up finances, you can express emotional concern, but you do not promise support.

You may have to grow used to manipulative ploys.

But that doesn’t mean you are obligated to provide for them.

Remember, guilt isn’t fatal. It just sucks.

The fact that you are feeling it is a sign of empathy, but that is exactly what your family may try to take advantage of.

Furthermore, focus on your own financial independence before worrying about worst-case scenarios.

I wish your mother many happy, healthy years, and for you to open a Swiss bank account.

Delicately,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

In 2024 I made a close friend and while we have many things in common and like to hang out I find that I've been struggling to feel heard in our relationship because I'm going through a rough patch and everytime I need emotional support, they have hot tea to spill or just dispell it with surface level stuff.

Sometimes they're insightful but I can't seem to get in my concerns.

How do I address this?

Sincerely,

Man, Friendship is Rough

Dear Friendship,

Burdens shared are burdens eased, but that only applies if you are also shouldering your friend’s troubles as well.

If you are having an ongoing or extensive issue, I recommend communicating with a therapist, as most people are not equipped to deal with another person’s large-scale problems.

I only say this as a caution, and to ask you whether you are communicating with your friend or dumping on them.

The latter can be exhausting, and they may be pulling toward lighter, surface-level topics for the sake of their own mental health.

Addressing this requires asking your friend how they feel.

If you’ve been endlessly focused on your issues, you likely haven’t been giving time to reciprocating that kind of support.

Talk to them, and understand that your friend may want to support you, but may also lack the tools to do so.

Honestly,

The Crone

Read the backstory in Edition #24: Autumn Rains and Relationship Pains 

Dear Crone,

I previously wrote asking to be disabused of a crush on a co-worker (the one who’s 41, the master of mixed signalling).

Much to my dismay, you didn’t.

Since then, I’ve reached the conclusion that, like me, he’s afraid of making a move.

The thing is: I’m going nuts waiting for something to happen.

And he makes me so fucking nervous, I started to think I’m becoming proficient in the dark arts of mixed signalling myself.

All of that to say: please help me come up with excuses to hit on (fuck) him.

Unicorn Hops

Dear Unicorn Hops,

It has been 7 months, dearie!

Hecate above, what are you two worried is going to happen?

Fucksake, shave your legs and ask him to dinner.

The decision to jump is often more nerve-wracking than the fall.

If you need an excuse, say you need help with your taxes, and you’d prefer to be fucked by him rather than the federal or state government.

I’m a little iffy over a man too afraid to make the first move, but plenty of women like their supplicants intimidated, so I won’t judge.

Go have dinner and let me know if he turns out to be boring.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Read the backstory in Edition #54: What Caught Your Eye? 

Dearest Crone,

Thank you for the kind words.

However, between my last submission and your response, I found out it was for the best this bitch blocked me.

I found out from mutual friends that she had been talking mad shit behind my back, especially during periods I was doing the most for her.

Even got some other folks to block me.

The tea is scalding, figured you’d appreciate knowing.

Wearily,

Rainbow in the Dark

Dear Rainbow,

Sometimes issues are simply a matter of communication, and sometimes the trash takes itself out.

While this may be upsetting or even bring up feelings of embarrassment, she lost a friend who was there for her; you lost nothing.

Rather unsurprisingly, you were the light in the dark.

Now you get to shine elsewhere.

Happily,

The Crone

Read the backstory in Edition #49: Come Again, Girliepop?  

Dear Crone,

I wanted to follow your advice, so I texted the friend whose ex I'm interested in (asking for a catch-up), but she hasn't answered for weeks, and when she did, it was a dismissive "sure, let's hang out sometime in May.”

Should I just ask her about the guy in text, then?

It seems like there isn't any bad blood, but I know nothing.

I am very interested in him, but I have no appetite for a big drama.

What do you think, oh wise and eternal one?

Hyper-Independent Single Oldest Daughter

Dear HISOD,

The nice part about drama is that you don’t have to participate.

If she’s noncommittal or difficult to get a hold of, and they broke up over a year ago, he’s fair game.

Quote me on that.

I don’t think it’s the kind of conversation to have over text, but that’s because I don’t think you need her permission in the first place.

It’s possible she’ll freak over it, but if she needs to plan a hangout 2+ weeks in advance, you can also suggest she file a formal complaint through mail.

Anyone trying to make a big deal over their ex of a year isn’t mature enough to have been in a relationship in the first place.

Probably not defusing things, 

The Crone