Dear Crone,

One of my closest friends is dating my ex, and she did not tell me.

I had to piece it together.

Another close friend told my ex something I had told her in confidence.

I have gone NC with the whole friend group.

Should I try and save the friendship although it seems draining for me atp.

I confronted the girl dating my ex, and her "apology" quickly turned, and she said I should stop making her feel bad.

What do I do?

Liberiangirl

Dear Liberiangirl,

Realizing that a friend group is hiding something from you is always a mix of disappointment and shock.

If you choose to salvage these friendships, do so with the understanding that you will likely not be able to trust them with confidential information… nor will they be honest with you regarding sensitive topics.

That isn’t a friendship I would bother with.

Mistakes are one thing, but deception is another beast entirely.

You’re drained at the thought of dealing with people whom you’ll never trust to be honest with you.

All I’m saying is, I wouldn’t.

Honestly,

The Crone

Greetings, Crone and her lovely host Daniel!

My partner and I just got engaged (*dreamy sigh*) and we're wanting to keep the ceremony VERY small.

Problem is, I have a large family in the area who can be… pushy.

It's already starting, and we got engaged a week ago.

How do I deal with relatives wondering why they're not getting an invite, so it doesn't get out of hand?

With love and sashay,

EdenInLove

Dear EdenInLove,

Congratulations on your engagement.

I would recommend a shlep if you can find a venue you like.

The farther you get, the more likely people will be not to show up.

Otherwise, don’t engage.

Send out your invitations, and if people are wondering where their invite is, ask them if they know your fiancé’s middle name.

You can tell them you’re keeping the wedding small, or obfuscate and say you’re still working on the guest list.

I’ll take angry relatives over guests you don’t want showing up.

Let them get huffy.

Provacatively,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I need your wisdom on a matter of the heart.

I got out of my extremely toxic relationship about 8 months ago, and although I have been trying to get back out there, I’m struggling to find that romantic connection again.

What should I do?

Downing (romantically)

Dear Downing,

You keep trying.

You’ve already accomplished the hard part: you left.

I always recommend seeing a professional, just as importantly, understand that you’re healing.

This will be a slow process, one in which you will relearn what you are and aren’t comfortable with.

You will be approaching any new relationship with firmer boundaries, and you should.

A romantic connection will grow slowly, and all you have to concern yourself with is showing up.

Go on those dates, meet people, and let what will develop develop.  

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Exalted One (and Daniel),

I'm 28 and I feel like I have no prospects in life.

I lost feelings for and broke up with my partner of 7 years (we're staying friends/in a FWB thing), my job (teaching) is getting more difficult with less joy, there's a cute guy at work who won't give me the time of day, and I'm worried that my therapists will tell me that I can't be fixed.

Is this it?

Is this what being nearly 30 is about?

I'm terrified that there isn't anything beyond the struggle.

Pls help...

Is This It?

Dear Is This,

For starters, there isn’t a therapist alive who would say that because there is no such thing as being incapable of growth.

But you feel like you’ve stagnated because you’ve mistaken shaking things up for actual change. 

Why would the cute guy give you the time of day when you aren’t emotionally available?

And before you argue, no, you cannot devolve a 7-year relationship into an FWB situation with no complications.

In the case of work, you may want to consider a lateral shift— a change in environment can do wonders for your mental state.

But there is always more for you, regardless of your age.

You need a goal, a project, and a hobby.

Oh, and something fun to do with friends.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My bestie has been pulling away from me for 3 months, and finally, I found out why.

She was there for me, but when I tried to be there for her, I messed it up and triggered her abandonment issues.

How do I react to her outburst without making it about me, because I really thought I was helping, and now I don't even know how to feel.

I don't know how to put aside my feelings and focus on hers because while she said some facts, they still really hurt.

How do I make it not about me?

Feeling self-centered

Dear Feeling,

You don’t need to react to her outburst.

She outlined how you made her feel, and you can either acknowledge that and move on, or think it’s stupid and move on.

If she’s feeling triggered, that’s fine, but she can process that as an adult, and you and she can talk this through… if you want to.

It’s okay to say she hurt your feelings while expressing herself; she doesn’t get a pass just because she was triggered.

You are both participating in this relationship.

Therefore, it’s at least 50% about you.

Communicate with her, but understand she may not react well to being held accountable.

Skeptically,

The Crone

Crone, my beloved,

I’ve been overweight almost my entire life.

I can’t seem to get anything below 30 pounds overweight, no matter what I do.

I was in a really unsafe situation for a long time, and finally came home about 40lbs underweight, but have gained it back.

My family keeps saying I looked so good when I was super skinny, but I know it was unhealthy, and I also kinda looked like a bobblehead, and like a stiff breeze would blow me away.

How do I gently tell my family to fuck off about my body?

Sincerely,

Body Image Final Boss

Dear BIFB,

Frankly, you say it verbatim.

Whatever you do for your body, you do it for yourself.

And anybody weighing in should expect a clap back.

If you want a fight-starting (or ending) one-liner, a good one I heard was “How’re you going to make me feel bad about my body when you’re skinny and ugly?”

I’m glad you are safe.

And I’m going to recommend that you don’t look down on your looks at any point in time.

That was you, and you deserve that kindness.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Hi, I’m currently in the middle of a divorce and had sworn off relationships when someone from my past cropped up randomly.

It’s been like a thunderbolt, and we’re both head over heels.

Unfortunately, despite him feeling the same way, he has said he’s too scared to commit.

He had a crush on me for years and I do believe him but I also know I can’t wait around forever.

Currently, my plan is to give him a little bit of space and to follow up with heels and a pencil skirt, but it hurts.

Hallmark-ily,

Trying to be Happy

Dear Happy,

I commend you for giving him space, but I want to point out that you’re in the middle of a divorce and, therefore, in a rather tempestuous emotional situation.

Depending on how long this process takes, I understand why he’d be hesitant to make things official.

Understand he isn’t trying to hurt you, he’s trying to be respectful of your situation.

Don’t wait around forever, but patience is also a virtue given your circumstances.

That being said, remember your birth control.

Cautiously, but encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone and Daniel,

My lovely mother is moving two states away from me, taking my sister with her.

I feel like I just got my sister to trust me again after I went off to a psychiatric facility for 3 years, and also my mom left (the first time) when I was six, and we just recently rebuilt our relationship again.

How do I get over this?

Curiously,

Mommy Issues

Dear Mommy Issues,

You handle this by keeping in touch.

Given your history, I understand the fears that may be bubbling up, but you can assuage them by texting, calling, and video chatting.

Remind yourself that this isn’t your mother leaving, nor is it you going off to a psychiatric facility.

It is simply a life change, and one you can manage.

Your sister still trusts you; maintain that connection.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Almost a year ago now, I left an 8-year relationship, and I want to date again, but my first time on dating apps isn't going well.

My therapist wants me to go out in the real world, yikes, and join some social circle.

Any advice?

Also, I'm having a hard time connecting with my beloved romance novels, like a reader’s block.

What's a book to get me past this?

Romantically,

Wallflower

Dear Wallflower,

In terms of your reader’s block, I recommend stepping away from your romance novels and giving yourself a palate cleanser.

Whatever genre you prefer, Daniel will recommend The Way of Kings, Empire of the Vampire, or his current read, The Sword of Kaigen.

Dating apps are a gods-damned terror, and I do agree with your therapist, organic social groups are far better than online interactions.

I recommend joining a hobby group!

Literarily,

The Crone

Dear Wallflower,

I don’t know why the Crone gets to step on my lines now, but volleyball groups are in season!

Also, there’s pole dancing.

Dizzily,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

I haven't had a serious committed relationship since I was 20, and now I'm 27.

I always made excuses about being picky, but now I'm 27 and realizing that I am, in fact, the problem and have avoidance issues.

I feel like a skittish horse in a YA coming-of-age story, but I think I can't keep waiting for a plucky girl to take a chance on me.

I'm lonely, and I want to change, but I don't know how to do so while keeping up the good boundaries.

Any advice?

Can't leave all the work to the horsegirls

Dear CLATWTTH,

Boundaries are tested on a case-by-case basis.

But you have to go out and experience those cases.

So long as you keep in mind what you want and what you refuse to tolerate, you need to trust yourself to enforce your boundaries.

Go be skittish! But if you’ll recall, you must approach the fence's edge before someone can delicately touch your snout…

If it helps, write those boundaries down, and remember that you can handle every interaction independently.

You don’t need to worry about the wedding, but you can show up for one drink and see how you feel afterwards.

Shshshshshsh,

The Crone

Read the previous question in Edition #42: 45 Seconds of Ban Time 

Hello, Crone and Daniel!

I wrote to you all waaaaay back in January about anxiety at flying out of the nest again after moving in to take care of my mother, and I have a very positive update to share.

At the time I wrote, I was also unemployed.

I recently got hired for a new job that starts May 5th, and my mother got herself qualified for LifeAlert.

I feel MUCH better about moving out again, and am looking at apartments as we speak!

Thank you for the extra encouragement!

Successfully Adulting Again!

Dear Adulting Again,

Congratulations on all of this good news.

You managed your responsibilities to yourself and worked to assuage very understandable worries.

Congrats, you’re an adult!

I hope your first day of work is going well, and I have to commend your excellent timing when following up!

Know that you always have an old witch in your corner when you need a little more encouragement.

Wishing you all the best,

The Crone

Read the previous question in Edition #55: Communication PLEASE 

Dear Crone,

After reading your response I decided to call my brother on Friday, worst that could happen is he hasn’t changed, it’d hurt but then at least I’d know.

Then our sister, who is visiting him, called randomly.

During the call, the subject of our kids came up.

He is okay with them having contact, she said; however, he implied that I think I am better than him.

His reason was mom refused to let them take me anywhere as a small child.

Their friends were bad, mom said she didn’t want them near me!

I looked up to him.

Communicatively,

Confused Sibling

Dear Sibling,

I will warn against playing telephone— literally— with your other sibling in the mix.

Make sure your communications are with him directly, and I highly recommend having them face-to-face.

Given your previous write-in, it seems that each of you feels the other was “mommy’s favorite” or something similar.

The good news is that it is a very concrete thing to address between you two.

You’re hurt, but it sounds like he is as well, and that can be the avenue to discuss this.

I repeat, do not get your sister involved between you two.  

Contact him, and speak to only him.

It may still be confusing for a while, but this is progress!

Encouragingly,

The Crone