Dear Daniel and Crone,

I was widowed 4 years ago at the ripe old age of 29.

Now, at 33, I’m dipping my toes in online dating, and all I can think after a month is, "Do I hate myself?"

I’m an introvert; how do I get kidnapped from my own home to find the 2nd love of my life?

Yours,

YoungWidow

Dear YoungWidow,

I wanted to commend your willingness to get back out there.

Mourning is not a linear process, and I wanted to offer the assurance that you can decide day-to-day how ready you are for anything.

I write this because if you’re doing online dating and you ask yourself the question, “Do I hate myself?” that means it’s working!

Well, not working, just statistically standard.

Online dating sucks, and it’s less diamond-in-the-rough than it is grain-of-rice-on-the-beach.

It’s a game of patience and luck.

Given your introvertedness, are there social (hiss) activities that you do enjoy? Going to bookstores, cafes, or parks, are all ways to bump into people more organically.

If possible, small fitness classes are also a great way to connect with people.

Looking for romance is often more about being in a place where romance can find you… which is, unfortunately, mainly outdoors.

Barring the presence of bat wings and purple eyes, I would recommend sleeping with a baseball bat should anyone break into your house.

Smuttily,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My husband recently said to me that love isn't enough anymore.

When I asked what more do you need me to do, he just simply said I should figure it out.

I have a feeling I'm no longer making him happy.

What should I do?

Confusedly,

Desperate Lady

Dear Lady,

Communication without explanation is manipulation.

It doesn’t matter if he is turning blue in the face and you can’t figure out he requires oxygen… it is up to him to ask for what he needs.

Adulthood means taking responsibility for what makes you happy in a relationship and in life.

I will absolutely suggest couples therapy if your partner is unwilling to disclose their needs to you without the presence of a professional.

I will also suggest seeing a professional individually.

But if your partner is expecting you to figure out his needs for the rest of your life… I suggest looking for alternative lifestyles.

Take it one step at a time, as of right now, asking for him to be upfront is the best— and only— thing you can do.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Need to know if I fucked up by sleeping with one of my friends while in love with him for the past 4 years.

Probably, but I need to be validated and then emotionally destroyed.

Thanks in advance, babe.

Danielsonlypole

Dear Danielsonlypole,

I mean… was it bad?

As long as he ended the session clutching an inhaler (bonus points if he didn’t originally need one) I’m not seeing a mistake.

If you wanted something more and he just wanted a hookup, that will be a struggle to deal with, but it’s manageable.

You’ve absolutely changed the dynamic of your relationship… so y’know… be prepared for what’s coming.

If you’re lucky, it’ll be you! Consecutively!

Use protection, dearie!

Love,

The Crone

Dear Danielsonlypole,

I’m sensing a theme in what my readers want from me…

Dizzily,

Daniel

Dear Crone,

Last week I rejected a man who treated me like a princess!

He gave me all the attention in the world, took the initiative, and is the textbook green flag that girls on social media try to manifest.

But I rejected him because I am not physically attracted at all!!

I feel guilty; he put a lot of effort into me.

Am I being shallow?

Guiltily,

Black Cat

Dear Black Cat,

Maybe you are being shallow!

That’s fine!

There is no point in forcing a relationship if physical attraction isn’t there.

There will be another woman he will shower with attention, initiative, and princess treatment.

And she will want to ride him like a horse until he snaps an ankle.

Effort does not equal outcome… if it did, donkeys would be billionaires.

You don’t owe anyone physical interest just because they fill out a checklist.

If you ended it in no uncertain terms, you have done the right thing.

Truthfully,

The Crone

Dearest Crone,

There is an exchange student in my class who I believe I might have a crush on, but she's only here for the year.

Should I pursue???

October canon event-ily,

Always Falling Like Icarus

Dear Always,

Are you able to have a whirlwind romance without it crushing you when it ends?

If the answer is yes, go for it.

So long as you can protect your expectations and your emotional well-being, go and enjoy something that is valuable because it is temporary.

Spring is beautiful because winter comes.

Winter is beautiful because everything blooms again.

Romantically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’m currently writing a high fantasy comic, but I’m nervous as hell, and I’ve never posted content before.

Any recommendations?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

If you’re looking to garner attention for your writing, the first thing to remember is it’s as much a product of time as it is of quality.

Even if your writing is flawless, it (most likely) won’t blow up overnight.

I think online posting holds you accountable for making progress and can offer the benefit of monetary incentivization from loyal fans.

Just remember that any draft is better than a blank page, and someone will always find something to critique.

While I haven’t used it, Royal Road or Patreon are great places to build communities around writing!

Best of luck!

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How do you stop that lovely feeling of still feeling like a teenager?

I feel it’s become especially worse since I moved across-country to put some much needed distance between my family and I.

I work, pay taxes, and do my damnedest to break the cycle, and yet… it never feels like it’s enough.

When will I finally feel like an adult?

Patiently,

Perpetual Chrysalis

Dear Chrysalis,

Adulthood is a myth!

Your driver’s license simply progresses to a drinking license, depending on your country’s legal age.

So long as you keep doing what you need to do, that’s all that is required for adult status.

If you’re working against the cycle, you will eventually break it; patience is an irritating necessity of adulthood.

Given that you needed distance from your family, my gentle encouragement will be to commit to what you are doing, whether it’s a struggle or a breeze.

There isn’t a formulaic output that equals 100% adult.

You’re already doing it, and eventually, it’ll click for your subconscious.

Keep going,

The Crone

Dearest Delightful Spite-Laden Crone,

I'm a new parent, and I've only just started having hobbies again- kinda.

It's going well, but I feel like I've been turned to glass- I'm see-through, fragile, and inert.

How do I become a person again?

Yours,

Mom of Glass

Dear Mom,

I have no doubt you have been caught up in the newness of your parenthood— it’s the only way to do that kind of thing.

Take it slow.

Separation anxiety is very common when first venturing back out into the world, and it’s completely valid to need time to get used to being away from your child.

Unless, of course, you have complete cabin fever and are willing to punt the crotch goblin into the arms of the nearest babysitter— understandable but rarer.

In that case, it’s still a good idea to be patient.

Pick one thing you’ve missed, something outside, so naps don’t count.

Schedule a day to do it, and enjoy. You become a person again by reminding yourself what being a person means to you.

You likely won’t go to the gym, read, head out for brunch, buy a new vibrator, cook yourself dinner, enjoy a low-calorie dessert, and get to bed on time.

But pulling off even one of those things is great!

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Hello dear Crone,

My friend is writing a story and has tasked me with names for places and characters, but I am an incredibly indecisive person, so I must turn to you.

What are your favourite names that'll suit high fantasy characters?

Nominatively,

wishtobefictional

Dear wishtobefictional,

I actually have a neat little trick that I learned that helps with creating names!

Write a description for a character, like “sexy emo guy with wings.”

Crunch it.

sexyemoguywithwings.

Remove some of the less common letters.

seemoguwithwings.

Keep going.

Semogwings.

One more time.

Semwin.

Need it to look more like the culture of a particular place? Or more Fae-like?

Tsemwin. Semwynn.

It won’t always be perfect, but it’s a great jumping-off point!

If you’re familiar with the Dragon Age RPG, its only in-game continent is Thedas, which is literally “The Dragon Age Setting.”

Draftingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Two years ago, a close friend of mine started avoiding me and ended our friendship with no explanation.

They did the same with my current best friend.

Recently, though, my friend has been making amends with them, but I can’t help but want to puke every time she brings them up in conversation.

What should I do?

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

Forgiveness is only worth something if you offer it meaningfully.

For now, it sounds as though this ex-friend has not reached out to you to make amends.

Therefore, you don’t need to have positive feelings toward this person.

It’s also entirely reasonable to ask your friend not to bring them up. You don’t like the motherfucker, conversation over.

If this ex-friend does wish to apologize for their behavior, I would argue in favor of hearing them out, as there is no harm to receiving an apology, even if you’re not interested in getting one.

But for now, you don’t need to feel anything for this individual. They’re not in your life. Celebrate that fact.

If they pop up, have some Dramamine handy.

Reservedly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How do you deal with the realization that your father doesn't love you?

Your father's love stopped once you stopped being cute and started having thoughts about stuff.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

This is a devastating realization that you need professional help to process.

It is all too easy to write off a father as useless, or ignorant, or flawed, but it doesn’t make it hurt less.

Unfortunately, your father fundamentally failed in his job, and blaming yourself is a natural reaction.

I will reiterate the necessity for seeing a therapist.

For now, understand that you will likely relive exceptional childhood pain, and there is nothing about it that is your fault.

You’re an adult now.

Be the loving, patient, attentive adult your childhood needed.

And yeah, fuck your idiot father.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Just how important to a relationship is carnal attraction?

I have been going out with this guy for close to 3 months now, and although he is a picture-perfect definition of a good bf, I just can't help but not find him physically attractive (though not ugly), and sex is not that great.

What do I do?

Bashedly,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

Sexual attraction is as important to a relationship as it is to you.

If you like your boyfriend, but he is failing to entice you sexually, it may be time for a conversation regarding your interests, needs, and curiosities.

If there is no hope for this man to turn you on, you need to assess if the picture is worth the behind the scenes.

There isn’t an inherently correct answer, but sex is a biological necessity, and wanting something more enticing is as much a need as wanting someone who cares for your mental or emotional well-being.

Better to rip the bandaid off quickly if that is what you wish to do.

Oscillatingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I DID IT!

I earned my Masters in Learning Experience Design in Educational Technology!!!

I know it's a pretentious name.

Honestly, I did not know if I would finish. I need more people (strangers) to celebrate with me!

Happily,

A Teacher Asking “Now What”

Dear Teacher,

Mazel tov!!!

It may be a pretentious name, but it’s your pretentious name, and you earned every syllable!

It's so wonderful that our write-ins will come to share both the good and the stressful.

We are so looking forward to your next chapter.

Love,

The Crone

Wisest of Crones,

Recently, we daughters have been dealing with the drama that is our errant sperm donor.

He is upset because we have set healthy boundaries, but he keeps gaslighting us and trying to make us feel bad for it.

How can I continue to protect myself and my little dragons?

Sincerely,

Breaker of Cycles, Mother of Chaos Dragons

Dear Breaker,

While I admit the metaphoric genealogy is confusing, the advice is the same.

Stand your ground.

Gaslighting doesn’t work if you don’t care how he makes you feel; healthy boundaries only work if you enforce them.

The priority is your little dragons, and the sperm donor can prove himself safe or deal with the consequences.

Tell him tough shit,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My friend is in a toxic relationship. Her girlfriend doesn’t let her hang out with any of her male friends, and my friend always needs to answer every call and text straight away.

I’ve told her to break it off, but she says she owes her girlfriend.

Help?

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

You can’t help.

You’ve made your position clear, and it is now up to your friend to decide whether or not she wants to live this lifestyle.

You can’t take on the burden of convincing someone they need to be saved, but you can make it clear that you stand by your friend regardless of her decision.

You can present yourself as a safe avenue, but it will be up to her to take it.

Whether she does or doesn’t owe her girlfriend is up to her.

All you can do is stand by,

The Crone

Read the Previous Question in: Edition #7.75: Autumn Rains and Relationship Pains 

Hi Crone!

Final update here: I won the fight!

My friend did come to watch it, and was cheering me the loudest.

I'm really happy with my victory, and also happy that my crush faded, and he's back to just being my crazy best friend!

Your advice back at the start helped me get into boxing, and I'll keep at it, so thank you and Daniel for inspiring me!

Victoriously,

Wannabe Boxer

Dear Boxer,

I don’t see a wannabe; I see someone legit!

I’m so happy that you have found something you enjoy and helped work through your feelings.

Step into the ring knowing that you always have (at least!) two more supporters cheering you on.

If you’d like to send a photo of the match, email it to [email protected]!

We’re working on getting a PO box, but for now, digital is best!

Go for the knockout,

The Crone

Read the Previous Question in Edition #2.5: Decreasing My Vitamin D Dosage

Dear Crone,

It’s me again.

You may remember me as the girl who had the roomie who was in love with a guy with the personality of cardboard or a wet paper cup from a while back.

Update: the man in question has now taken to flirting with me, and I have shown no interest but continue to do the boy thing of tease.

Stab him, give him to my roommate, or ignore him?

Sincerely,

Exasperated Roomie

Dear Exasperated Roomie,

I’m going to use your follow-up as a reminder to use the same name.

It’s nice to hear from you again, Dewdrop!

First off, inform roommate about boy’s flirting.

From there, I suggest making your next move as a duo.

Whether that is stabbing him¹, throwing him to your roommate, or ignoring him.

If he’s going to be pretty but stupid, you might as well practice your psychological warfare.

Lemme know how it goes!

Maniacally,

The Crone