Dear Crone & Daniel,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months.

I feel absolutely awful as he's going through a really tough time with his mental health, and I don't want to be someone who abandons others.

Unfortunately, despite many open and honest talks, he wasn't able to communicate regularly or keep commitments, which really hurt me.

I'm devastated because I thought we had a beautiful future planned together.

Am I an awful, selfish person for ending things to try to protect myself?

Sincerely,

Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

I am going to go beyond telling you you’re not selfish, and instead commend you for making an absolutely necessary decision.

There is a difference between supporting someone and shouldering burdens you are incapable of handling.

You are not a psychological professional, and even if you were, it would be unethical to therapize your partner.

You offered support and boundaries, and he was unable to adhere to those with where he is currently.

That does not make him evil; it just means he has more work to do before he can be a good partner, and that isn’t something you have to wait for.

To reaffirm: you did not abandon him.

But you cannot take care of a man who is not making progress in taking care of himself.

Let go of that burden, encourage him to seek proper help, and look forward.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I broke up with my ex back in September, and I was previously doing online classes, but went to school in person for socialization and the norms of your life.

Unfortunately he goes there and now he acts like an idiot and runs away like I’m going to suck his blood if he dares to go down the same hallway as me.

How do I avoid an awkward moment/conversation with him to put our very bad breakup behind us?

Curiously,

Medusa

Dear Medusa,

Delete this individual from your visual cortex.

A (grown?) man who runs down a hallway to avoid you is putting more than enough energy in for both of you.

Let him be awkward, and you can continue to go about your day.

This isn’t the kind of behavior you reward with attention; it’s the kind that you grimace at and allow to permeate a stunned silence.

It’s got nothing to do with you, dearie.

Straightforwardly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I just got out of a kinda messy relationship, and now my friends and sister are trying to get me to date a new guy, and it’s only been 3 days.

What should I do?

Saucily?,

Bella0326

Dear Bella0326,

How messy are we talking here?

Do you despise the thought of a relationship, or are you just pissed you wasted your energy on a guy?

If it’s the latter, I say go on the date.

You don’t need to commit to anything more than that, for now.

See if you like him.

It’s not like your day is going to improve sitting there lamenting over what could have been.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone & Daniel,

I have been struggling for a while with burnout, anxiety, and stress, which have affected my health in various ways.

Now, this has resulted in insomnia.

I am simply unable to sleep, lying awake with a body that is exhausted beyond belief, but a head that won’t shut up.

I am going to get help as soon as my health insurance figures out the details, but I am at my wits’ end and can no longer function normally.

Any advice to help knock me out for some shuteye?

Tiredly,

Sleepless

Dear Sleepless,

I have no doubt you have run through the usual no electronics an hour before bedtime, sleepytime tea, and read a book stuff.

So truly, the only thing that shuts off my brain is melatonin gummies.

These are not intended as a long-term fix, and you should definitely speak to a professional.

But even just 5mg (some people take 10mg or more), can knock my ass into the Ethereality and beyond.

Other than that, a workout and sex can do wonders for convincing your body to rest.

The main thing here is that it doesn’t hurt to try something new, especially if your normal routine isn’t working.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Hi Crone, hi Daniel,

I’m aroace, and my sister outed me to our parents last night in the car.

I’m 23, but I still live at home, and I begged her to drop it when she mentioned it to our parents.

She refused and doubled down on calling me dramatic and saying I was overreacting, which is very common for her.

I don’t know what to do.

She’s home for the summer, so if I go no contact, I have to move out, and my family is really close, so it will make everything harder.

What do I do?

Betrayed Aroace

Dear Aroace,

To start, I’m sorry your sister is acting a poes.

More importantly, are you safe?

While everyone deserves a proper coming out story with a happy ending, if you didn’t get the former, but everyone is being chill, that is at least a good start.

If this is truly the end of your relationship with your sister, I cannot say I encourage it, but I will ask that you ensure your financial security, access to important documents, and new housing before heading off on your own.

Otherwise, have you considered throwing hands?

Or another method that can nail home how hurt your sister made you feel.

I don’t think this should be a family gathering situation, but rather a direct confrontation and a clear explanation of how your sister crossed a line.

You won’t get your coming out back, but you may get the apology you deserve.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone and Daniel,

I find myself time and again thinking of a past situationship, even though I am now happily married for 2 years.

For context, I had this fling with my brother’s best friend while in college over the course of 4 months.

I cut it off bc I never wanted anything serious, and he did.

We went no contact, and I couldn’t be happier to be with my spouse.

I am just confused as to why my brain torments me with the thoughts of the man I said no to, even when I am happy.

Confusedly,

Emily

Dear Emily,

I think it’s time to spice things up.

I love that you’re happily married, but things may need a fresh spark.

Fantasies come up because one can project ideals onto them.

This doesn’t mean you want to leave what you have, but if you dig deeper into your wandering mind, you may discover what is so appealing and see how you can bring that to your actual relationship.

Your brain isn’t tormenting you, it’s craving a fresh kind of stimulation.

Figure out what you’d like to try and see what your spouse might be into as well.

Oscillatingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

So my parents are genuinely good people at times, but I feel like they forget I’m an adult.

I asked to go out with my friends that I met and lived with in college, and my mom said I shouldn’t get too close to people and called me crazy for wanting to go out.

I’m 19 years old, and I can’t make adult choices?

I feel as if I’m not living my life or have a choice.

My college major, data science, was chosen by my parents, and I had almost no say in the matter and was gaslighted into choosing the major.

Adultingly,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

If you’re an adult, make your own decisions.

That is easiest when you have a handle on your finances, so if you’re not there yet, you have a new goal.

Otherwise, do what you want.

If you want to change majors, go out with friends, or start your own exotic dance company, those things are all well within your power… so long as you can handle your parents’ disappointment.

At this point in life, your parents are there to provide a voice of moderation for your impulses, but it’s up to you to listen to them.

Start taking what they say with a grain of salt, but remember that they do have more life experience than you.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Not a question, but I turned 26 today, and I was reflecting.

I was at rock bottom mentally about a decade ago when I was in high school and did not think I would live this long.

I clawed my way up the cliff of mental health (partly out of spite).

I don’t often give myself credit since it feels like I’ve been struggling ever since, but I am proud of myself. It can be hard to see progress, but I promise it is happening.

For anyone else struggling, never stop getting up when you get knocked down.

Encouragingly,

Bookworm5299

Dear Bookworm5299,

Hells (worldbuilding), yeah, dearie!

It doesn’t matter what you used to claw yourself up from rock bottom, whether it’s spite, fury, or indignation.

You did it!

I want to highlight this with as much care as we give to our other write-ins.

You are allowed to struggle, so long as you know you can overcome it.

Being weak is not a moral or personal failure, and you are allowed to forgive yourself for being human.

Remember: this too shall pass.

Always.

Love,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How do I convince my cats to stop bringing lizards into the house?

I know that sounds like a joke, but I'm serious. I live in the boonies, so I feel safe letting them outside.

They don't wander far, and it's the highlight of their existence.

They play for an hour or two, then come inside.

Unfortunately, they constantly bring lizards back in.

Parts of lizards.

Dead lizards.

LIVE LIZARDS THEY STASH AND THEN BRING OUT IN THE NIGHT TO PLAY WITH IN MY BED WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP.

Help. Me.

Littered with Lizards

Dear LwL,

Are you familiar with a joke that circulated the internet a while back, where a man was speaking to his neighbor, who said that every time a coyote ate one of his outdoor cats, he would go and get a new one?

It ends with the OP pointing out it sounded like he was just feeding cats to coyotes?

It sounds like you’re just sending your cats out to fetch lizards.

You’re asking for tips on how to shut down the most primal instincts in these animals.

It’s not possible.

Cats hunt; it’s as intrinsic to their nature as purring or grooming.

If you want to stop this, I advise either supervising them outdoors (and potentially starting leash training) or building a catio.

I understand the desire to give them the best life possible, but the outdoors can be exceptionally hazardous for cats, and they can wreak havoc on local ecosystems.

Your options are unsupervised outdoors + lizards, or a more hands-on approach.

You can try a bell on their collar, but that will merely reduce, not prevent gifts.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have a best friend who’s very on-again, off-again.

I feel like an emotional side piece, even getting those 3am “u up?” texts so she can cry at me about her cheatin ass boyfriend (I’ve written in about her before, the pregnant one).

The last time we broke up, my skin cleared up, my hair got healthier, and I lost 30 pounds.

We’ve started talking again, and I’m fat again, my skin looks like something out of a horror movie, and my hair is falling out.

Can you help me drop her again for good?

Sincerely,

Side Piece Struggles

Dear SPS,

You have to understand you’re doing this to yourself, dearie.

Unless there have been some landmark advancements in the field of cloning, you don’t have a child with this woman… so what’s keeping you?

You’ve clearly outlined how negatively this relationship impacts you, so I’ll ask, what are you getting out of answering the phone?

Do you want to be needed more than you want your skin, hair, and body to be healthy?

If so, more power to you.

Or you can tell her why this isn’t working and stop talking to her, or simply not respond at 3am, or just go no-contact.

If you need it, I can come and smash your phone, but this level of self-awareness requires intent on your part to not produce change.

Pointedly,

The Crone

Hello again, Crone and Daniel,

I did as you advised and went to my older sister.

She said she went to an uncle of a friend when she moved out.

I don’t have friends, with or without uncles, so I have to figure out something else.

I am saving up money and searching for what I can do.

I am a bit scared, tho.

And feeling guilty.

If I leave, I will just give my siblings my burden.

Should I find a way to take them with me?

Sincerely,

Lost Girl

Dear Lost Girl,

It’s great that you're saving up money, but have you considered the possibility of moving in with your sister?

This is by no means a guarantee, and your sister may be opposed to it for several reasons, but she could also be sympathetic to your desire to move out.

Otherwise, I would start looking at local Facebook groups for rental properties and people seeking roommates.

I understand your fear and your guilt, but you cannot take your siblings with you.

Legally, that would be kidnapping, but more importantly, you aren’t equipped to raise them.

I would rather you work through the guilt than damage yourself and your siblings by trying to save them.

When you move out, you should communicate what led to your decision with your parents.

They may not change, but that is on them as the adults, and your siblings will come to similar conclusions as they grow up.

If you can, I would suggest meeting with a professional as well.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Hi Daniel and Crone,

This is not about my previous submission, but I figured I'd share this with you: I own the 'Gagged' t-shirt and wore it out to a ceilidh (a folk dance), and at one point, a small child asked me what 'Gagged' meant.

I settled on 'shocked' because I figured six years old might be too young for 'cunty surprise'.

I hope you enjoy the image of a little girl going 'Gagged!'

Sincerely,

Biggest Baby Bird

Dear BBB,

I’m always touched to find out my Valthakai are wearing our merch out in public.

Admittedly, I am more amused by the aptness of the phrase “cunty surprise,” and I will make sure that makes its way into Daniel’s vocabulary.

I hope you encouraged your inquisitive associate to include the proper eye roll!

And I hope you danced the night away!

Love,

The Crone